Wednesday, December 30, 2009

2 pounds in 2 days

Still 2 pounds away from my goal, and I only have 2 days.

Probably not going to make it, but I'm still hopeful.

Today's intake plan:
B: Oatmeal - 100
L: Salad w/chicken - 175
D: Apple, Popcorn, Fudgesicle - 170
Total: 490

I should be able to do this easily and maybe less than this.

I'm going to take a treadmill/elliptical workout break today because I spent all morning cleaning my apartment and I'm working tonight and we're supposed to be SUPER busy, so I'm sure I'll exert loads of energy, and at this point I don't have a ton of it left. My body is pretty run down, and my energy level is really low.

Helloooo diet pills.

But I'm still going to try to do my ab workout tonight if I can manage... We shall see.

Gotta run, ladies. Think thin!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Best friends and magazines

It's amazing how a night's sleep can change your perspective completely. I guess I just needed to set the reset button.

Today was good.

I worked out this morning, my calories were low, and I texted MK and worked that all out... And I'll get over Laura like I ALWAYS do... She's like my fucking sister. And sometimes that's not a good thing.

AND I had a chatty-chat-chat with my best friend, and GOD why don't I call her more? I fucking needed it, lemme tell you it improved my mood by like a thousand times.

OH, and ladies... I got an amazing deal today (thus the link).

A year's subscription to Cosmo, Marie Claire, and Bazaar... FORFUCKINGTWENTY-FIVEDOLLARS! I am SO stoked. Monthly delivered thinspo times THREE! I did the process, checked the box, and then it asked of I would like to add Bazaar and something else for $5 each for the year. Um...YES! K, thanks! I'll totally take the Bazaar.

I am SO excited for 4-6 weeks to pass to start receiving magazines!

I also got some amazing body scrub at the store today to try and rid myself of cellulite.

Because I am stiiiiill a fatty, no matter how much weight comes off.

Speaking of which I didn't weigh myself today... Tomorrow I will.

Gotta run, ladies.

Thinspo is in order soon. Yes?

Monday, December 28, 2009

Lonely

I'm so depressed.

The workout only proceeded to make me hungry which lead to a mini-binge, but not a purge.

I don't have it in me, so tomorrow will have to fix today.

At least it wasn't hideous like earlier.

I'm miserable.

I feel SO alone here... I hate this fucking place.

And I miss my friends back home, and I am SO pissed that they don't understand what I'm going through here.

I know they can't right now, but I'm still bitter.

But mostly bitter that MK didn't even bother to tell me she wasn't coming to visit and then proceeded to act like the victim and get Laura involved as well.

I was to say, "Fuck them." but they're two of my best friends, and the honest truth is that I'm just hurt.

But this is one of those things that you can't handle long-distance over facebook, so I just have to act like I was joking and let it go.

I need the fiance to get home so I can have a mental break from myself.

God, I'm in need of a real friend.

Purge, purge, purge.

Today's intake: Through the fucking roof.

I purged my brains out... For about 5 straight minutes, no exaggeration.

It felt like hours.

And it left me completely physically and emotionally drained.

WHY do I binge and purge? It's not like it makes me feel good. It DOESN'T.

It used to. I used to feel an amazing high after a binge and purge, but now I can never predict how I'll feel. Either that blissful high I so desire or the lowest of guilty lows...

I feel EXTREME guilt while I am binging, all the while the little voice in the back of my mind saying, "You can purge. Purge. Purge." While my poor belly gets more and more engorged. The bloat making me feel like I'm crushing my intestines.

Then instead of feeling freedom in the fact that I can actually eat what I want, my brain goes into methodical mode.

"Chew, chew chew. Make everything that goes down nice and tiny. Oh, don't eat that, eat the calories that are pleasant to throw up. The things that absorb liquid easily, the small bits, the soft bits. Isn't it weird that you categorize food like that? Oh well. Don't think of that now. We have work to do. Drink the glass of warm water, not too much, there we go. Feel the wave of nausea. Don't burp. Use that gas to help throw up. Grab the toothbrush, fill a glass with water, have a towel nearby. And up it comes. Oh, and don't forget to brush after."

It's so fine-tuned now that it's easy. It's down to a choreographed routine that I can perform at a moment's notice, whenever the longing to eat overtakes me.

And the pivotal moment. Do I feel high or low?

Sometimes it's SO high. I feel on top of the world and like everything bad I have inside has just been flushed away. Like I can BREATHE again. Like everything makes sense and I'm in control. Like everything is righted and I'm right where I'm supposed to be doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

And then other times, I feel the opposite. I feel like crawling into a hole and withering away into nothing. I feel disappointed at myself and SO mad. I've fucked everything up. I was doing well. I know I'll gain if I don't stop the b&ping. My self-esteem plummets and I wish I could be someone else. ANYONE else besides the fat mess that I am. I wish I could be the thin, successful, desirable girl that I long to be. Why can't I be her?

And I never know which feeling will overtake me until I pull my head from the toilet bowl.

I'm mad at myself... I need to gain some fucking control. That's my problem.

I'm down a pound this morning... 2lbs away from my goal.

I need to not eat anything else today.

Today is definitely a low day.

I'm going to go work out. Namely because I need some endorphins.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Countdown

No food yet today, and I squeezed in an hour workout this morning.

I guess I did better than I thought yesterday because when I stepped on the scale this morning, my weight was 2 pounds less than 2 days ago.

I'm THREE pounds away from GW#2. Yesss!

I am hoping to get the last 3 off by the 1st... I know that's only 5 days away, but I can do it if I try hard enough... And the fact that I've been at the weight I'm at now for a while and kind of plateaued here while eating more than usual means that if I go back to SERIOUS restricting and working out, it will come off easily.

So that is my goal... My countdown to the new year. And regardless of what I am at, I'm going to tell you all my weight on the 1st... This seems trivial, but it's actually kind of terrifying. I still have a ways to go, but my resolution is to be more open, no matter how embarrassed I am. Or how paranoid I am that you all will go back to previous entries and start adding up the numbers and determine how fucking FAT I was...

I think I'll also do some pictures... On the 1st. It will motivate me more, I know for sure. Yes, temporary pictures after the first as well.

But all that aside, while I was at the gym this morning, I was reading People magazine's December 2009 issue, and ladies you have GOT to get it. We're talking some major thinspo. It has Halle Berry and Jennifer Aniston on the cove and a couple more women... It's their issue with the hottest women. SO inspiring.

But, I gotta run, ladies. I have to leave for work in an hour, and I need to swing by somewhere and get a salad... Hm, maybe Subway. That's a good idea...

Think thin, ladies!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Happy Holidays

Well, I haven't blogged in FOREVER.

The holidays have been insane, and I gained. Of course. I'm a fat cow.

However, it was not as much as I had been expecting with family there (and my mom monitoring every bite I took for a week) and all the activities that revolved around food.

It was stressful and hectic, but my gain was only around 3 pounds since my last posts whih puts me at 5lbs away from GW #2.

Measley 5 pounds... I should be able to do that SO easily... I need to focus.

Tomorrow begins my strict regimine again. I didn't do too terrible today, but I could have done better, and I WILL reach my goal.

I'll blog for real on Monday and get all caught up with all of you, ladies.

And thinspo.

I'm in need of some major thinspo.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Forgive me, bloggers, for I have sinned.

One hell of a bender weekend. Suffice to say, I hate the holidays. I am currently terrified of my scale, and will not be going near it for a few days, minimum.

But, in other news, I went to a J. Crew sale yesterday and a skirt I tired on was a 2.

A fucking TWO.

Amazing.

I felt so good, but at the same time bad because it's still not where I COULD be... I've been eating too much... Well not necessarily portions, but what I'm choosing to eat has too many calories.

And I have not been gyming like I need to.

Tomorrow starts back my gym routine (no time today... I have just about enough time to rush to work right now) and today, NO EATING AT WORK unless it's ana-approved food.

I've had some oatmeal this morning, and I'm going to bring an apple to work, but attempt not to eat any more today... I need to jump-start this loss again.

I have a holiday party in 8 days... I need to be thin by then.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Cheesy bread.

I binged. I purged.

I'm 2lbs away from GW#2.

Tomorrow I have an obligatory Christmas dinner at Kat's house.

No more food until then.

Calories for today: 155 for cereal, 45 for Popsicle and about a million for cheesy bread.

Oh, mia. Thanks again for saving me.

Maybe whatever I digested won't be over 300 cals... I worked hard to get it all out.

Friday, December 4, 2009

An actual update.

FINALLY a real update...

I have been doing SO well until Friday night. Oh, the dreaded weekend.

I got off work with a sore body and a longing to get wasted, and I made a HUGE error. I got stoned out of my MIND and ate and ate and ate for HOURS.

Literally hours, ladies.

Or at least it felt like that. Carbs and sugar and bread and cheese and fatty meat and all kinds of shit I should NOT be eating. I mean, I ate a freaking tuna melt. Are you KIDDING me!?

The next morning I was mortified. I couldn't even remember all I had eaten, nor did I want to. I did not want to calculate.

My waking thoughts were, "Scale! Now!" and then after that horrifying number, "Gym! Now!"

I worked out for a hour solid, non-stop until I was about to collapse and had to get ready for work.

Then I did not eat my entire shift at work.

And I ended my day with some cereal, brussel sprouts, and a rice cake at around 300 cals. (Which I burned more than that at the gym)

This morning, the scale says I've redeemed myself. Thank God.

I do not care to re-live that EVER again. No more weed for this girl.

In other news, in my quest for thinness, I have discovered a couple wonderful food options...

I was reading online the other day and it suggested turkey wrapped around pickles, SO I did some research and if you buy fat free turkey and dill pickles, you can eat a shit-ton for under 100 cals. The other day I ate 4 slices of turkey breast wrapped around 4 pickle spears for 100 cals. And you cal buy pickles that have ZERO calories! Isn't the crazy!? I guess the vinegar in them makes them have literally no calories when I looked into this.

So, ladies, buy pickles. Vinegar helps burn fat and they have flavor which is a nice change.

AND I did a little more research/experimenting, and I found a DIP/DRESSING that I deem ana approved. If you mix ranch dip mix (there are ones with ZERO cals) with fat free plain yogurt instead of sour cream, you get a mix that is only about 12 calories a TB. TWELVE. That's lower than most dressings.

And it's DELICIOUS and a little goes a long way!

So nice. Now you can have your deli trays.

BUT, in other news, this documentary is AMAZING if you are in need of a little tinspo. It's called "Ballerina" and it's amazingly beautiful... those girls are PERFECT.



It took me FOREVER to find it in English, but here you have it! (This is the first of 8 parts.)

I didn't eat for about 12 hours after watching it, so I hope it inspires all of you as well! I also added it to my links on the side there so you can all have the link available whenever.

But, alas, I must go ladies. I need to squeeze in a workout before work today and I need to start getting ready soon.

Think thin, girls!

So close to GW#2!

I've lost 2 more lbs... I want to talk about EVERYTHING right now, but I don't have time.
I'll update on Tuesday hopefully.

There is SO much I want to write about!

I've been doing well. :-D

Think thin, ladies!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Lack of Intake

I lost my gain weight. And I'm down an extra lb. Only 4 pounds away from GW#2.

I haven't eaten yet today.

And yesterday was essentially a fast day... I only had a little to eat late in the evening, but managed to go 24 hours without eating, so I consider that a decent fast for me.

Today I didn't have a plan... I just haven't eaten. I've been completely ignoring my body, knowing that if I can just push past the initial intense hunger that I can fast properly for a day.

I'm starting to get rrreally sluggish though...

I may need to throw in some food... The problem is what do I eat??? Could I B&P? Would that be terrible of me? It's been a really long time since I did... I could order some Chinese and eat until I'm popping and purge it all up. ...It's really grotesque but that actually sounds amazing to me...

I don't want to do that though... I need to stop purging. No, whatever I eat today I have to keep down... If I eat.

I'm going to bundle up and smoke a ciggy and decide on this...

Okay done.

I didn't decide. But alas...

Sometimes I feel like the biggest hypocrite sometimes. Or maybe that's not the right word... Sometimes I just feel like I struggle so hard to be the person I want to be. And I NEVER achieve it.

I want to be thin and beautiful and well put-together and organized and perfectly accessorized and I want to be organized and on top of everything and have everything under control at all times and have a clean house all the time and cook amazing meals for people around me and not eat a bite and have a job where I excel and people look up to me and want my position and where I can feel like I accomplished something by going to college.

But I feel like I'm NONE of these things.

I'm okay. I'm average. I'm not put together most of the time because I have no MONEY because I don't have a CAREER because I'm STUCK here! And the things I CAN change, like my weight, I struggle SO hard with. And I let things pile up around me and on top of me because I just get so OVERWHELMED with wanting more out of my life.

I want to be successful.

I want to achieve something with my life and body and be more than I am now.

Because right now I hate myself.

And I hate that I waste my potential.

235 cal meal just now... While writing this.

Glad I didn't binge at least.

I'm still so hungry...


EDIT:
2 hours later.
A binge, a purge, and everything is right in the world.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

One. Pound.

I'm up a pound.

Not too terrible if I could manage to get my ass back on track.

I am all over the fucking place lately... I need to steady myself, think positively, and get back in the gym.

It's hard because it's SO cold out, and I never feel like working out, and my ipod got washed and died. My mom is replacing it for Christmas, but that hasn't come yet, so I have no music!

I'm just so discouraged... I feel like I'm always going to be a fat cow, so what's the point???

I don't even want to re-live how much I binged Thursday and Friday... It was shameful.

I have been trying to stick to the game-plan but I'm not succeeding!

Ab workout when I get home tonight - I'm forcing myself... And NO MORE food today. I've had oatmeal, a grilled chicken salad, and random bites of things at work, so if I stop now, I had an "okay" day. Not ideal but not terrible...

I feel terrible though. I feel like a complete failure and like I'll never be where I want to be and like I'm struggling so hard to push toward something I can't accomplish because I can't focus hard enough.

I feel like a FAILURE.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Thanksgiving makes me UNthankful

The past 2 days have been tough. IMPOSSIBLE to avoid the holiday food.

I don't want to know if I've gained, so I'm not going to weigh in until a couple more days have passed of me doing well.

Haven't eaten anything yet today... Off to figure out something.

Hope you all had a better holiday than me!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Loss already

I'm down 3 pounds.

Amazing! I'm rejoicing because I'm back down to what I was at before I got sick. I am now, again, 5lbs away from GW#2.

I did SO well yesterday with the eating.

B: Oatmeal - 100
L: Nothing
D: Sushi with light soy sauce - 410

I saved my cals ALL day so I could have 2 tuna cucumber rolls for dinner. It was a wonderful, guilt-free, bread-free dinner out with the fiance.

Today is going to be good as well.

I've only had oatmeal so far.

Planning on:
2: Grilled chicken salad - 200
3: Fruit -100
4: Popcorn - 100

Perfect. I can do it... I've been doing SO well, and I'm not even going to think about food today.

My resolution will not falter.

Have a good day, ladies!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Fucking bread, bread, bread.

SO yesterday I actually didn't even eat the popcorn... I needed to be punished.

Today I need to be punished more...

Intake:
B: Oatmeal - 100
L: Peaches and a couple bites of pasta - 155
D: Salad w/shrimp - 180
And fucking BREAD with EVO at dinner with Ray. God only knows how many cals...
Total: @700.

Fucking GREAT.

I contemplated mia, but mia'ing over 700 cals is stupid, plus my throat hurts like a bitch...

I shouldn't have gone out to dinner with Ray... But she's been mopey about the fact that I've barely been spending any time with her, so I needed to, but it was an ordeal... The whole time worrying about what she's going to think about how I eat, wanting to eat more, wishing I could, worrying about her wanting to share dessert, and that damn bread... I couldn't avoid eating it without looking like a weirdo. She was already wondering why I wasn't drinking... Um, possibly because I already ate too much to allow myself to DRINK anything.

I'll get there tho. NO more food tonight... Tomorrow I'll do better... I have until the 1st... I know I can do it.

Tomorrow's goal, on top of what is previously listed is to not eat ANY starches, ESPECIALLY bread!

Thinspo time... I wish I were lovely. ♥






Sunday, November 22, 2009

Faltered already

I ate some bread... Which throws off how good I was doing...

SO my day becomes:

1: Bran cereal - 110
2: Tofu and zucchini - 130
3: Bread - ???
4: Popcorn - 100

Total: 330 plus bread.

I can live with this.

NO MORE food until I go home and eat the popcorn. I don't care if I have to hole up in this office until 9:30 rolls around.

Sickness all around

SO, ladies, since my last post I fell DEATHLY ill.

I had the most serious case of the flu I've ever had. We're talking out of work for a WEEK, barely moving about, about to flippin' DIE case of the flu.

Bottom line: I gained.

It's hard to exercise when you can barely stand without fainting and shampooing your hair causes you to gasp for breath. And when you can't monitor your calories because your fiance is in charge of feeding you.

And I didn't even have much throwing up, except for one terrible morning when I was dry-heaving for hours... My head deep in the toilet bowl, all I thought was, "What a waste. I'm not even throwing up any food because it all digested overnight."

The gain was not too terrible, but it's put me back about 3 pounds more which means I have about 7 pounds to lose before I'm to GW#2.

SO, with renewed resolve and not much of an appetite because I still have a nasty head-cold, I'm on to a new plan (which will probably be re-written at a later date, but there you have it.)

By December 1st, I need to have lost at least 5 pounds.

I KNOW I can do it in 10 days.

My plan:
  • At least 30 minutes of work out every day. (starting off simple today, obviously, since I still can barely breathe.) And in a few days when I can breathe properly again, I'll up that.
  • NO more than 500 cals a day, to be broken up into 4 meals. (all 100 cals except meal 2 which can be 200 cals.)
I know I can do this! It's so simple if I just ignore my body.

I'm just so TIRED of being fat. I want to be thin, thin, thin. I don't even want to be normal, I want to be thin. I want to be considered THIN by the general population.

I want my perfect life I've been planning and waiting for.

And being thin is step one.

Step two, move back to my home-state, get a CAREER instead of a job, push the fiance to go back to school and get a better job, have MONEY and a nice HOUSE.

I just want the suburban dream. And since I can't achieve any of the other shit for a year because that's what life has dealt me, I'll focus on being thin.

Today's food:
1. Oatmeal - 130 microwave pack
2. Salad with either chicken or fish and vinegar instead of dressing - 170
3. Peaches - 100 cal can
4. Popcorn - 100 cal pack

Off to exercise and shower because I have to go to work tonight.

Thinspo with nice lighting. :-)





Wednesday, November 11, 2009

5 pounds down

I have been losing. Barely eating. Not mia'ing until I did today... I over did it, corrected it, got back on track...

I'm 5lbs away from GW#2... It's within my reach if I just focus.

Yesterday was high, high, high, so today needs to be better, and tomorrow back to the extreme focus so I can drop the last 5 and re-evaluate.

The loss should make me extremely happy, and it does make me happy, but there's so much other shit going on in my life that I'm actually particularly UN-happy.

The other night was horrid, my loves.

I went to KB's birthday dinner, and had a MISERABLE time.

There's a lot of back story I'm not going to bother to get into, but suffice to say that as is going to dinner weren't bad enough, KB acted like a TOTAL bitch because she was on pills, James showed up all fucked up on pills even WORSE than KB, Ray was all pissy because no one made such a big fuss about her birthday (she was out of TOWN!) and Kat was worried about everyone thinking her shy boyfriend is a snob and barely spoke... PLUS I brought some friends who came to stay with me for a couple days, and they acted like they were miserable the whole time and were totally anti-social.

I went shopping, bought a hot new outfit, and looked slammin' (and thinner) for nothing.

I HATE when things go like that.

I suspected diner was going to be a total drama-fest, and I should not have gone. $200 down the fucking drain for nothing.

But I got a cute outfit out of it, I suppose.

In other news, I have a temporary kitten. She's a fluffy mess, and I wish I could keep her, but I can't handle the allergies or dog stress right now, so we're looking for someone to adopt her... Craigslist add if I don't find someone within the next 2 days... I'm trying to trick my dog into thinking she's not here anymore, and it's not easy.

But I need to go.

Off to work... I will post again soon, hopefully.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Oh, the irony

The day I posted my last post about my fiance not knowing about my ED, he kind of found my blog.

It's not search-able, I cleared the history, etc. and he promised not to look for it, but now I have to make a fake blog... I told him it was a wedding blog and that he couldn't look at it because a pic of my dress was on it.

SO he didn't.

And I think he's kind of forgotten, but fake blog, here I come!

It's SUCH a relief that the name of my blog does not really reflect its contents.

FUCK me, I was scared and had to act like nothing suspicious was going on... I guess I did a good job because he bought it.

I would DIE if he read this blog.

SO much of it would break his heart.

Buuuut, in other news, I went grocery shopping today and that always puts me in a good mood because I know I have lots of low cal options. :-)

I need to kick my ass in gear.

I'll blog later hopefully when I have some ALONE time.

Love you ladies!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The fiance and other topics

I need to get my head straight. I've been depressed and down and feeling like shit and using food to satisfy something it's never going to satisfy.

But today I'm back on track and I'm going to stay this way until the 10th and KB's b-day dinner.

The first of the month = a new start.

SO, today's intake:
B: Bran cereal - 110
L: Chicken & Veggies - 175
D: Apple & Veggies or Yogurt - 150
=400ish

But anyway...

A few people last post were wondering if my fiance knew about my ED.

And the answer is NO.

He doesn't.

I mean, he does a bit. He knows that when I was younger I was bulimic. He suspects and questions occasionally. But he has no idea to what extent I have issues. He knows nothing if this blog, my mia, how much I restrict calories, any of it.

And I am so terrified for him to discover any of it... But sometimes I want to tell him. Sometimes I want to blurt our, scream at the top of my lungs, "I HAVE PROBLEMS!"

Because my ED is the only aspect of my life that I keep from him. It affects our relationship, how I feel about myself around him, and I can't share it with him because I know he would want me to stop. And I can't stop. And I know I would lose everything if I tried.

So there you have it.

Talk to you later, ladies.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Ana is your friend

And mia might possibly be my best friend.

I feel bloaty and gross after eating 2 full-size meals today, but I purged the dinner. I said I wasn't going to - that I was going to let myself have one day of whatever - but I couldn't help it. I just NEEDED to.

I had a lovely evening though, and I really love my fiance.

Tomorrow = back to the grind & back to the restricting.

I need to be thin.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

I never regret eating too LITTLE.

Intake today:
6 grilled shrimp with lemon juice - 125.
One hunk of wheat/seed bread - 125.
Caesar salad with chicken - threw up.

I'm not eating the rest of the night.

I feel like a cow, but the scale says I'm looking better and better each day... I just want to be thin.

I can't wait for my day off tomorrow so I can go on my reward dinner... Where I will still keep it low, low, low. "Ana style eating out" is your friend.

Off to find a restaurant with a menu that doesn't terrify me... ♥

Back to the lows

SO, yesterday morning I weighed myself, and I had LOSTTT the weight.

Thank Jesus.

My goal today is to eat around 400 cals and do my pilates video.

If I do this, I can go to dinner with the BF tomorrow... And then back to a week of being good followed by one reward of some kind. I like this system.

I think this is my next reward:



It's on clearance on forever21.com and I want, want, WANT it! I hope they have my size when the time comes. If not maybe I can buy a M and shrink it...

But anyway...

Friday night was bad. I got WASTED. Had 3 cocktails at work after my shift and then went out had 2 beers and a shot. And I pigged the fuck out... Wings and fried mushrooms with loads of ranch. And I didn't hesitate one millisecond to go into the bathroom as soon as I was done feasting (while still at the bar) and purge. It's so EASY when you're drunk because your inhibitions are gone and the food in your now engorged stomach is floating around in liquid quite nicely.

Then I came home and while the fiance was taking the dog out to pee, I threw up anything that might have escaped this first purge.

I need to stop drinking.

First off, it's WAY too many calories and then I feel less worried about my body and I EAT. And then I think, "Ah, whatever!" and I purge. EVERY time.

While we're on the subject (sort of) I noticed a pattern with my "fasting" as well. I don't think I fast properly. Whenever I fast, I get SO hungry and my blood sugar gets SO low I end up eating like 1,000 cals in a sitting. NOT good! (Understatement!) And the last 2 times I attempted a fast, I got physically sick, and kind of fainted the last time...

So we're going to hold off on fasting for a while until my weight stops coming off as easily as it is now and until I figure out what I'm doing wrong and do some research.

And yet another tangent...

The other day at work, KB and I were chatting, and she was talking to me about how I'm looking thinner, etc. And she was lamenting that she lost weight a while back (She did. It was noticeable.) and gained it all back like 2 weeks later (She did. It was noticeable.) and how she wants so badly to be thinner.

And she kind of knows I have an ED, (because I semi-drunkenly told her one night after work) but I don't think she knows how bad I do... I don't think she GETS it.

And last night she asked me what I "did." I laughed. And I said, "You know, but you don't know." And she said, "I want to do what you do." And I looked her square in the face and said. "You do NOT want to do what I do."

It made me frustrated a bit. I love her, so I wasn't pissed off... But definitely frustrated.

I see people all around me all the time who eat "normally" who eat foods with bread and cheese and grease and FLAVOR and don't even bat an eyelash. Who don't calculate complex algebraic caloric equations in their heads. Who don't count glasses of water or diet pills or laxatives who don't chew bites really tiny and drink lots of liquid so they can purge if need be... I see fat girls getting fatter and those who are blessed to be naturally skinny maintaining that same perfect weight.

And it makes me SICK.

It makes me jealous and disgusted and feel sad for them but also long to BE them all at the same time.

You can't just "do what I do."

This is who I am.

I can't just give you pointers on eating like an ana girl and you lose weight. It's a part of me. I can't help the feelings behind the actions. I can't stop my behavior. And I can't give you the kind of willpower it takes to wake up in the morning starving after a night of purging and completely ignore food, ignore you aching, trembling stomach because the scale says you weigh one pound more than yesterday.

You can't just "do" this, and anyone who doesn't have their whole life wrapped around their intake/output/calories/weight/inches/blubber/bones/hips/thighs/stomach/food/lack of food isn't going to get it.

But anyway...

Today's plan:
Do my workout.
Possibly a nappp!
B: Coffee
Showerrr and get ready for work.
L: Salad from Chik-fil-a w/fat free honey mustard dressing.
D: Apple

This is around 320, so I may allow myself something else, but maybe not.

Thinspo, in video form today, ladies. Because I'm lazy and I love this song.


Friday, October 23, 2009

Focus

I did well today. Under 500 cals, and I didn't leave a bite out in this calculation.

I didn't get to work out, but I worked my ass off at work, so I'm sure I burned plenty.

Tomorrow's goal is to reduce by 100 cals and throw in an ab workout at least.

I WILL BE THIN.

I am more focused, and tomorrow I will be even MORE focused.

I may weigh tomorrow... We'll see.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

100th post


Binge, purge, 30 minutes of abs, loads of water.

I'm delirious and tired and a fat ass.

But I strangely feel better.

Tomorrow is the day of redemption. Thursday through Sunday.

I can do better.

Downward spiral

Struggling.
Fighting.
Crying.
Binging. Binging. Binging.
Purging.
Obsessing.
Weighing.
Crying.

All of these describe me over the past few days.

I am terribly depressed, and not sticking to the game-plan.

I'm sure I've gained. but I'm too scared to check, so I haven't.

I need to get my head back in the game. I need to clean up my act so I'm not so depressed all the time.

I need to be harder on myself.

Or maybe not so hard?

I think harder.

You would all be so ashamed of me, ladies.

But I'm going to turn things around.

Eyes on the thighs; eyes on the prize. I'm only a winner if I get thinner.

Plan: Work out! And no more food tonight at all unless I get to go to dinner with the fiance, and then only veggies/salad.

Tomorrow, work out!!! Water, water, water.
Wake up: Coffee - 0 cals
5 pm: Salad - 200 cals
8pm: Yogurt - 45 cals
Closing time: Peaches - 100 cals
Get home: Fudgesicle - 40 cals
Total: 385
Can possibly throw in some grilled romaine w/lem vin if I can't survive work.

I need to prove to myself that I'm not just a fat kid.
I need to get my head out of my huge ass and start losing again.

I'm weighing in on Sunday, and if I am not back down to what my lowest has recently been, more drastic measures will be taken. If I'm LOWER, then I will reward myself with something... We'll figure out what soon.

I hate myself.

And I've been ruining my relationship with the fiance because of all of this lately.

I feel like a fat ass cow, so I don't want to have sex.

I'm acting obsessive complusive more than usual because I'm freaking out about how much lack of self-control I recently have.

The other day I let a little comment get blown WAY out of proportion so that I wouldn't have to go to dinner because I had eaten too much that day and I am trying to stop purging.

I almost told him about my problem.

But I can't. I need his love. And no one loves a fat girl with eating issues.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Recently discombobulated

I have been ALL over the fucking place lately. Barely eating, binging, purging... No consistency like I normally have.

The other day I binged... Stuffing and cranberries, a bagel with loads of cream cheese, orange juice, on and on. Then I purged. But my binge was not calculated enough. I didn't chew well enough. I didn't drink enough liquid. So I threw up HARD, huge chunks of completely undigested food and blood. It was not pretty. My throat bled for a few hours after and I had to take a lozenge to soothe it because it hurt SO bad. I couldn't eat anything without discomfort for about 2 days. I didn't mia again because I was scared of my throat bleeding again... But I can NOT handle not having mia as a backup. I was freaked out about everything I ate (even more than usual) for about a week because mia is my savior.

So, needless to say, I've been a complete and utter basket case.

SO, I needed to get re-motivated. I've been cooking for myself every day a meat dish and a veggie dish or a salad with chicken not exceeding 200 cals. I take this to work along with some canned peaches (no sugar added, whole can = 100 cals!) and a yogurt or something else similar.

I drink a cup of coffee in the morning and then don't eat until 5pm (the meat and veggie meal) then about half way through my shift (4 hours later) I eat the small item like yogurt, and then at the end of my shift (another 4 hours later) I eat the can of peaches. So if I stick to this, it's about a 350 cal day.

The only probly with this is that there is always, always, ALWAYS a ton of food lying around the kitchen (I work in a restaurant... Ironic much?) and it's hard to resist the fries and bread and real butter and cheese platters and soups and mashed potatoes, and all the other shit that's completely accessible and either free or cheap to purchase since I work there. The other day I had a salad with a cream based dressing, cheese, nuts, dried fruits, etc. SO bad for you! It's barely considered a salad. Needless to say, I threw it up... Salad, much like Asian food, is one of my favorite things to throw up because it's so EASY.

BUT, I've been getting better at sticking to the plan. It's just that I get so TIRED at work some nights, and I immediately want to resort to grabbing an end piece of bread and eating it to get my energy back up.

SO, to combat this, yesterday I went to the store to get some stuff, and I decided to get some diet pills. Fake energy is still energy.

I picked some out after MUCH deliberation, and when I was checking out, the lady that was bagging my stuff looked at the bottle like she was sad.

I'm not that thin, ladies. I could lose 18 pounds and still be in my weight range for my body size/age/etc. EIGHTEEN pounds! And I did not appreciate this fat woman giving me these sympathetic looks, and acting like I was doing something wrong by buying diet pills. I was sympathetic for HER. With her fat rolls cascading over her uniform.

Mind your own fucking business. Keep your pity.

I have to go to work to manage tonight and work on the computer system, and I'm trying to decide if I want to attempt a fast. I just have this pattern of saying, "Fast today!" and then breaking it and it turning into a binge-ish day instead where I eat shit I'm not supposed to because I get so hungry I just eat whatever. I think it may be a good day to attempt a fast though, because if it's a normal night at work I use too much energy and can't manage without food, and if I stay at home, I am tempted to b&p because I'm here alone (the fiance notices when I don't eat if he's here) but tonight I'll be away from the house and barely using any energy, hopefully. That is if the night goes like I think it will.

Dilemma.

I'm going to attempt a fast.

After a nap. Ha ha!

I'll try to post tonight, ladies. Think thin!

White shirt real girl thinspo. I like white. And I wan to be a real girl thinspo.








Thursday, October 15, 2009

Bender but back on track now

I don't have much time...



Things have been shitty.



After my last, terribly depressed post, I had a bender.



And fucking HELL of a bender.



I didn't gain, and I've actually lost 2lbs since then, but I was SO mad at myself...

I have a lot to write about, but no privacy or ability to do so.

Tomorrow morning, loves!

Think thin!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Incredibly Sad

I am so incredibly depressed right now.

Last night was shitty, shitty, shitty.

I strolled into work in a good mood. I had only eaten a little, and I was feeling pretty good.

And then.. Shit hit the fan. My manager, chef, bartender, and busser were all SO pissed off about SO much that it was affecting everyone on staff. Servers started arguing, everyone was getting frustrated and picked on and yelled at.

It was total bullshit.

SO, I went to all 4 of the problem causers and told them they needed to calm the fuck down or we were going to have a shit-tacular night because we had like 200 reservations. (It's been insanely busy because it's tourist season.)

Then new girl who fucked Chevy was supposed to come in and food run, and she was LATE as USUAL. And she had on this shirt that showed her entire fucking chest, and I'm sorry but I HATE her so much. I had to hear from everything with a penis about how nice her boobs are, etc. And THEN when she was done, she went upstairs and changed into her "going out" clothes and traipsed around the kitchen wearing practically nothing. And she does this all the time, and I am so SICK of it. I really hate her, and she tries to befriend me every fucking night.

And then I just had a rough night. I was physically and mentally exhausted and not in the mood and SO over it. I am starting to hate my job. I know I can do so much better, but I'm stuck there right now. I won't make this much money anywhere else at the time being, and I don't want to go through the stress of job-hunting, so there you have it. I'm stuck there. I have a wedding to pay for.

Then when I was sitting down at the end of my night doing paperwork, and James came over. And he works in another department, but normally he hangs around in the restaurant quite a bit. BUT lately, he's been MIA. And when he is around, he's in a pissy mood. But last night he sat with us while we did out paperwork, and I asked him where he's been, and he said he's "tired of the drama in the restaurant." And I know he's discussing me and Chevy and new girl. I'm not stupid. And I said something along the lines of the drama being over and KB was talking to us about it, etc. And I said something about Chevy avoiding new girl like the plague and he comes off with, "You're so in love with him!" and I was like, "No, I'm not. I barely speak to him. You have no idea what's been going on." And he brushed it off and was like, "Whatever, I'm tired of the drama." And I was like, "It's a restaurant. There will always be drama." And he's like, "That's why I haven't been around." And I was like, "Yeah well, there's drama everywhere." And he was like, "No just in restaurants because everyone's like a highschool drop out."

That pissed me OFF.

And I was like, "Thanks a lot." And he was like, "I didn't mean it like that about you." And I was like, "Whatever." And he stands up ans he's like, "Whatever, I'm out of here."

Good riddance.

I almost started crying. I had to fight it really hard.

I have a fucking BACHELOR'S DEGREE, okay? I put my fucking time in school. 4 years. Whereas you, James, did not. No, you went off and joined the fucking circus (no joke) and went to jail and rehab. While you were fucking your life up, I was trying to make something of my life. And yeah, I'm a fucking server and I HATE it and I'm not proud of it, but I make more money than YOU, and at least one day I won't be a server anymore, and I'll have made something of my life. Whereas you'll always be a single, bitter fuck-up who it getting too old to be datable and is so offensive no one even wants to talk to you.

SO FUCK YOU.

I was so fed up I ranted to KB and Andy and both of them were telling me it's okay.

But it's NOT okay. I want to move back home, and I still have another fucking year left in this town that I can't move away from. I thought when I moved here that I'd be happy by now, but I'm not. I hate this town and the fucking people here, I hate my job, I hate my body, I hate missing my godson's birthday and what's going on in my brother's life and seeing all of my friends, and I hate that my only "friends" here aren't really my friends and that I know that once I move away I won't speak to most of them again.

I went home and binged. I had leftover pizza, BBQ chicken, cookies, mint patties, mashed potatoes... I didn't even throw it up, I just went to bed and let all of the fat absorb into my already obese body.

And cried.

I'm so upset because the fiance is the only good thing in my life. I feel so trapped and alone and upset and ugly and depressed. He hugged me and talked to me late into the night until I fell asleep.

What sucks the most about this is I can't DO anything about it. I have no control over this.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Breaking the cycle

Totally binged last night... After my post about how I’ve been restricting so much... Ironic.

Yesterday’s calories were probably at around 1200.

Ew.

BUT, when I was lying in bed last night absolutely HATING myself and thinking about my behavior, I started to notice a pattern with myself... As soon as I get to GW#1, I think, “I’ve done so well! I’m not going to be so hard on myself for a bit...” And then I binge. I eat a zillion cals in a day, do the same thing the next day, and the next day, and then I gain. And then once I get up about 4+lbs over GW#1, I freak out and restrict a LOT.

And I am BREAKING THIS CYCLE!!!

No more being easy on myself. No more junk food. No more binges because I’m doing well.

I am NOT doing well ENOUGH.

I stepped on the scale this morning and was up a pound from fucking yesterday. I almost took a lax, but decided against it because we were going out in public, and no thank you.

SO, today:
B: Coffee - 0
L: Grilled veggies and meat – 250-300?
D: Fudgesicle, and some popcorn - 140

Probably around 400-450. Not sure about lunch because the fiancé and I went to a Mexican place in town, so who knows what was in it.

MUCH better than yesterday tho.

AND I worked out for over an hour, as hard as I could. I filled my iPod with some pumpin’ music the other day, and MAN did I sweat my ass off! I burned about 300 cals on the elliptical alone.

But anyway, I need a shower.

No thinspo today, because the fiancĂ© found some and he’s all confused at to what it is and I’m SO fucking paranoid about him finding this lately.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Serious restricting & True Religion

I have become SO hard on myself.

And it has happened over the past week, but I'm not exactly certain WHY.

I feel like a completely fatty blob of bloat, when in reality I've only eaten about 550 cals today.

And yesterday when I said I was eating around 400 lately... that was a lie in retrospect. It's been closer to 300 a day.

I have no idea why I've become SO obsessed with eating SO little.

I think it's because this week I've been pick-pick-picking and not eating that much, so now when I DO eat, I feel guilty, knowing I can survive on less and that when I do survive on less and less, I lose more and more.

When I stepped on the scale this morning, another pound had come off.

I am now 2lbs lighter than GW#1 and only have 8lbs until GW#2.

BUT like I said yesterday, I find this too good to be true, so I'm wary of my scale and what it is telling me... I'm not sure if I believe it.

We're just going to take things one day at a time and see what happens.

But I'm going to run because I have the most MASSIVE migraine right now, and all I want to do is lie down.

I've added a box on the top right of this blog with all the links I've previously posted or the ones I use constantly. Some good stuff, so check it out!

True Religion thinspo today because their ads always make me pump it twice as fast during my workouts. :-)








Monday, October 5, 2009

Back to where I was before

The fiance is passed out on the couch behind me, so I'm going to take a moment to bloggg! I'll be home alone tomorrow, so I'll blog then as well.

My weight is down... The gain weight is gone, and once again, I'm at GW #1. I would be happy except I was already here a while ago and let myself gain... But I won't do that again.

10 more pounds to lose, and I can do it.

I let myself eat sushi yesterday because I worked ALL fucking day long and probably burned about a jillion calories, and I didn't eat the whole time at work except an apple because I almost fainted.

And when I stepped on the scale this morning, it actually read one pound LESS than GW#1.

But I don't believe my scale... Sometimes it says things that are too good to be true.

SO, I'm going to continue to obsessively weigh (because that's what I do) but until my period is over this week, I'm not going to believe what I see.

I haven't been that thin in a looong time, and I can't believe I could be less than GW#1 after only a couple days.

Though my cals have been REALLY low lately... I've actually cut back from the 500 to about 400. And some days WAY less. AND I've been working my ass off, and my job is VERY physically demanding, especially lately because we have been SO busy.

So it might be believable, but not yet.

Anywho, thinspo... Black and white, because I adore it.







Thursday, October 1, 2009

My Rules

Walking around the grocery store today, I was realizing home many rules I have for myself... It's kind of weird... So I was wondering what kind of rules you ladies had and if you wouldn't mind sharing.

Cally's Eating Rules:

-Beverages cannot contain calories (ie. only diet sodas, fake sweeteners, etc.)

-Alcohol can only be consumed if it's been at least a week since prior consumption, and only if I drink to the point of throwing up. (Yeah, that's totally sick that I drink to that extent on purpose, but there you have it.) And only shots or run/diet.

-No bread of any kind (this rule is my most broken) no nuts, no cheese (unless it's super diet, but I've pretty much eliminated all of it from my diet), no granola type items, no hamburger meat, no bacon, no sausage or any processed meat, no fat from any meat I do consume, no sauces on anything, no cream, no real mayonnaise, no potatoes, no rice, no beans, no corn (for the most part), no pasta, no real butter or real dairy of any kind except skim milk (and VERY rarely), no chocolate/candy, no egg yolks, no peanut butter or jelly, no deep-fried anything, no oils, etc! There are about a million foods I do NOT allow myself to consume.

-Condiments cannot contain over 10 cals a tablespoon, dressings no more than 30 cals a TB, jello no more than 10 a cup, oatmeal no more than 100 a package, butter no more than 5 cals a TB, yogurt no more than 45 cals a carton, etc. I have calorie limits for just about any "ana-approved" food item. If it's even 5 cals over, I ditch it.

-Avoid fruits/veggies that aren't neg cal.

- Coffee can only contain Splenda.

-Cereal cannot have more than 100 cals per cup, including milk, and they have to have a lot of fiber in them.

-No eating something unless I can estimate the calories, read the package, or research how many calories it has before consumption.

- Breakfast cannot be more than 100 cals, lunch no more than 200, and diner no more than 200.

-Only allowed crackers with high levels or fiber.

If too many of the above rules are broken, I mia... Mia'ing is also curiously against the rules.

Anyone want to share their rules?

Lately in the life of Cally.

1.) Weight (Eh.)
It's teetering back and forth... I'm still in weight-loss mode, but now that I've lost so much, (20+lbs since I gave into my ED again) it's harder to keep losing... And easier to gain. AND I've had some weak, weak, weak days and there for about a week I ate total shit and gained... I pretty much have the weight all back off, but even after I lose the gain (2.5lbs to go to get it back off) I have more to go. And I've been trying to get in the habit of working out more because I don't think it's going to come off with "under 500 cals a day" alone.

I've noticed that ana is becoming more of a lifestyle for me and less of something I focus on... And then I give myself new challenges and push myself harder. I eliminate foods, I make new rules, etc.

I did pretty well on my trip back home, but I totally mia'd after my mom made the fiance a birthday dinner of lasagna and chocolate cake... I've been miaing a little here and there, but even that has dropped off quite a bit. I don't want to mia, and normally it's emotional and not about food anyway...

Myself-esteem has been SO much better with every pound I lose. I went to the beach and wore a bikini, and for the first time in a looong time I didn't feel like a whale... Maybe a little like a cow, but not a whale. And EVERYONE back home made comments, and I felt SO good abotu myself! Girls who are some of my best friends were JEALOUS and asked me what I've been doing. It was amazing.

The only downside is that none of my clothes fit me anymore, especially tops and dresses. I need some new ones, because I bagged up all the old ones that look like tents and it was a BIG chunk of my wardrobe.

2.) Chevy (Fuck.)
Things have reached the end.

There for a while, we were slipping back into our old cycle. He's just so charming and it's hard to get away from him... And the fiance and I were getting a little rocky... I was falling back into alll of it...

And then a new girl came to work, and she has a boyfriend she's been with for YEARS and lives with. And she fucked him. And he was still acting like we were headed for something like he always does. SO, I got drunk at work one night and he was and he was all over me because she wasn't there. I acted like a COMPLETE bitch because I knew what he did with her... And then he left and I texted him and apologized... And to make a long story short, I ended up unloading all of my feelings on him through drunk-text, and he said he would stop playing games...

I know he won't, but he and the new girl are having some freaking affair, and I have NO respect for either of them. I may have contemplated things, but I would NEVER have acted on it. SO, it's done. And I'm actually over it, though I still hate the girl. And him to a certain degree... It's just the principle of the matter. And she broke major girl rules. Ha!

3.) The Fiance.
I am SO happy with him! We have worked out a lot of things that have been bothering/hindering our relationship. And we've been talking about moving back home after we get married, and the thought alone elates me. I've been so miserable since we moved here, and I honestly just want to go back HOME.

4.) Today
Went grocery shopping and I'm about to clean the house..
B: Salad - 210ish including dressing/chicken.
L: Fudgesicle -40
D: Jello - 10 Oatmeal - 130

SO, 390, and I still have some cals left for the day.

Gotta run! Probably some thinspo once I'm done cleaning if I have time before the fiance gets home.

Think thin, ladies! <3

Monday, September 28, 2009

Always a slacker with the posts

I know it's been AGES since I've written, and I am so sorry ladies.

I miss all of you and writing on here... And thinspo.

I have been so caught up with life and all that I haven't had the time/privacy to write.

BUT a few good things have happened...

I went home and visited all my friends whom I haven't seen in about 8 months, and all of them said I'd lost weight and that I looked good.

ALL of them.

I was so estatic, I can't even explain it to you.

AND, the Chevy situation has come to an end... I can't begin to explain how complicated things got right now because I don't have time, but I will on Thursday.

I have to run, ladies... I really didn't have time for an update, but I SWEAR I will on Thursday!

<3 you all!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Pink Bikinis

Haven't eaten yet today... The Fiance and I are going out to dinner here in a minute, so I'll be ordering a salad, hold the cheese/nuts/bready items, dressing on the side.

I'm honestly feeling pretty hungry, but I don't want to eat... My stomach has definitely shrunk.

But, anyway... I suddenly feel like I have WAY more readers lately, and that is frickin' awesome, except I haven't had a chance to check out anyone's blogs yet... I barely have time to post.

SO those who I follow and those who follow me, please forgive my absence! You're all in my thoughts.

Fast partner on Sunday??? Any takers??? I know it's only wed, but if you want to plan for it, DO IT WITH ME!!!

BUT, here's some thinspo... Lately I'm obsessed with pink bikinis.






Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Back from Dinner

Dinner went well.

We ordered a lot of little things for the 1st and 2nd courses and shared them, so I was able to pick and no one noticed that I barely ate anything off the plates.

And when it came time for dinner I ordered a side salad and barely picked at it.

So the food went good, especially since that as all I ate today, and the dinner itself was amazingly relaxing and nice.

I adore the girls I work with, and I'm really glad I went... We talked and talked for HOURS.

But, I have to run... There really wasn't a point opdating except it helps me... LOL!

OH, and last night I watched Disfigured. Watch it!

Revised yet again.

When the fiance came home yesterday, he forced me to eat. I picked and prodded, but still broke my fast... Which I was SO mad about, but what can I do? I told him about work and he started questioning my daily intake, and there you have it.

I haven't eaten yet today, but I'm contemplating if I should even plan on attending the B-day dinner... I feel like I need to go because all the girls I work with are going, but I don't want to EAT.

FUCK this.

I think after I drop the fiance off at work, I'll go to the gym and burn off as many cals as I'm going to eat tonight plus some and then not eat anything until I go to dinner and then nothing after...

And then I'll fast Sunday. Sunday I'm not working, and the fiance will be at work all day, so I can REALLY fast.

I've already dropped a bit of my re-gain weight, so if I stick to today and then plan Thurs-Sat and fast Sunday, I'll be better than I was.

I'm mad about the fast, but there's nothing I can do about it now, so Sunday it is! And today I'm only eating the salad.

Good plan? I think so.

The name of my blog should be "Constant Revision."

I'll post after dinner, loves!

Monday, September 7, 2009

Broken fast... Not a shock.

I broke my fast.

Because I'm a weak, fat individual.

My blood sugar got REALLY low at work, so I told myself I could eat ONE piece of chocolate.

BAD idea.

Fucking trigger food.

Then I ate some fucking pasta.

It wasn't really a binge, in the sense that I didn't go on a rampage eating everything in sight, but I planned on FASTING, so it was way more than I should have consumed... SO I threw it all up.

At first I tried to convince myself that it was okay... But I couldn't stop myself. When I kept thinking about the fact that I ate CHOCOLATE and PASTA, I got so panicked that I just had to.

Why can't I binge on lettuce or something?

And I felt SO terrible. I almost started crying. I felt like a complete failure and like I'm going to be fat fucking forever.

Everyone at work kept asking what was wrong with me, so I told them I didn't feel well. Which was TRUE because a.) I was mad at myself and b.) My stomach hurt from throwing up so hard.

SO I came home early, and now I feel like crap-ola.

I'm so mad I fucked up my fast... Just because I threw it up doesn't mean it didn't count.

Now I'm contemplating going to the B-day dinner or not... Since everyone saw me feeling sick, I could probably get away with just ordering a small salad and picking at it, and I guess it would be okay if I fasted all day until then.

It would be an official 24 hour fast, and it that's all I ate all day, maybe it would be okay?

I think so... I'll get a salad and a side of broccoli, and that's all.

And I'll attempt another fast some other time this or next week.

I need to re-gain self control!

Shit shit shit.

Only coffee this morning... I' shaky but don't feel too terribly hungry.

I just realized that I'm supposed to go to a birthday dinner with a girl I work tomorrow...

But I want to fast... And I want to fast with you girls!

What do I doooo!???

Maybe I skip it? Maybe mia? Maybe fast until that point?

Advice, please!

2 Day fast

2 day fast... Starting today.

Only allowing myself coffee with Splenda, Diet Coke, and water with lemon.

Anyone want to join me???

If not today, then tomorrow as well, ladies!

I need to play catch-up.

Love you aaaalll!

Especially Sarah and Flushed for your love and support. ♥

Sunday, September 6, 2009

I'm a total fat-ass.

Ladies, I have been doing SO BAD lately... I've totally gained.

I'm not going to make excuses... Sometimes I just don't have ANY self-control.

And the past 2 weeks have been like that... I keep telling myself I'll make it up... That I'll regain self control. That I'll get back on track. And then I lose self-control... Until I get so SICK of myself that I can't stand myself. And then I don't eat ANYTHING and I throw EVERYTHING up, and I lose again.

I feel so disgusted with myself.

But I can't go back... Only forward.

Today's intake:
B: Chicken, asparagus, rice, and a steamed egg roll at a noodle shop in town.
L: Nothing.
D: Mia.

And that's all. Time to get my ass back in gear so I don't have to hate myself so much anymore.

I love you ladies, don't be ashamed of me.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Sick and Fudgsicles

I've been gone for almost 10 days because I've been so SICK.

My body got completely worn down, and I ended up spending about 4 days in bed coughing, sneezing, feeling generally shitty. Augh. SO I had a gain of about 2.5lbs from no activity for about a week. It's amazing that number isn't higher.

But I'm FINALLY starting to feel better, so it's back to losing weight! And tanning, which I'm going to make myself do at least 3 times a week since I'm paying for it every month regardless.

Today's plan: (haven't eaten yet)

B: Cereal - 120
L: Frozen healthy dinner - 200ish (whichever one has the most protein)
D: Salad (that I already made and packed for work) - 100 (Mostly neg cal tho)
After work: Fudgesicle - 40

This should put my day right at around 500.

Oh, and BTW, the No Sugar Added Popsicle Fudgsicle Bars are AMAZING! They taste SO good, and they're only 40 cals a bar, and since they're fidgesicles, they melt slowly, so you can eat them for longer. I would advise though, that if icecream is a trigger food for you, I might avoid them because they taste JUST like icecream here.

Anyway, ladies, I have to run. I have to go to work soon... I may skip the cereal seeing as how I'm running out of time.

I'll catch up on all of you tomorrow!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Just weighing in

Poll: How often do you step on the scale to weight yourself, and what are your "rules" about it?

I weight myself probably like 3-5 times a day.

1- when I wake up in the morning after my pee. 2- after a BM. 3- before bed (but this is always expected to be about a lb higher, and is used as a motivator.) 4-5- various times during the day when I feel empty.

Is that a crazy amount? I wonder about all of you...

Had lunch today at some sandwich shop... No idea how many cals in the sandwich... I had no mayo, no cheese, just turkey, spinach, red onion, and cranberry pesto on thin french bread.

I'm estimating that plus breakfast is about 450 cals.

I'm really hungry right now, but I'm going to go work out, take a bath, and then smoke a ciggy to fight off the cravings because I can only afford a 50 cal dinner - aka salad!

Lately I do NOT let myself go over 500 cals... And once I plateau, I'll probably go down a hundred cals... We'll see. Lately I'm dropping pounds, so as long as I still continue to do that, I'll stay at around 500 cals.

The fiance has been complementing me like CRAZY lately. This morning we were sitting around in bed and he was just kind of inspecting my body and telling me my stomach is so much flatter, my legs are thinner, my arms and collarbones are more defined, etc.

He doesn't know how much this feeds into me!!!

BUT, in other news... I want to buy an elliptical. I think I can find one for around $200. I may talk to the fiance about it soon and see if we can afford it... I also want a new scale, though the one I have is like my baby. (No lie, which is actually quite pathetic. I get upset when the fiance touches the dial or gets on it. Ha!) I just know it's not super accurate, so I want a digital one.

But it's all about the monies. We're paying for a $4K honeymoon on top of the wedding all by our lonesomes, and I need to schedule a dentist appointment soon as well.

Which, btw, I'm honestly scared to do... I don't think I throw up that much, but I'm scared my teeth might be fucked up somehow from purging... Or that the dentist will look in my mouth and just know.

But we'll just see how it goes... I know the longer I put this off, the worse it will get, so I might as well just go.

Geez... I just spent like 2 hours looking at thinspo... Time to get some workouts accomplished.

Anyway... Here's some thinspo... I'm all about cute dresses lately!