Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Purging and Mexican

The scale told me I weight 114lbs this morning.

I don't know WHERE this drive in me has come from lately, but it's amazinggg.

Sunday, however was not so amazing..,

I am completely incapable of being home alone without binging and purging.

I don't know WHAT causes it, but I do EVERY TIME.

If I know the hubby is going to be gone for a significant period of time and I can eat whatever I want and throw up as loudly as I want, that's the first thing I do. Monday was no exception, though I really tried to fight it. I crammed down 2 bowls of cereal, a piece of garlic bread, a handful of cookies, three baggies of chips, some lunch meat, and an English muffin.

Luckily all of this of easily purge-able, so it didn't ruin my day completely.

I don't know WHY I do it, but I always do...

Then yesterday I had a rough day as well. I didn't eat anything except my lollipop at work and drink my caffeinated beverages, and when I got home the hubby wanted to go out for Mexican. I did as well, so I agreed to it. I was SO hungry that once we sat down with a pile of chips and our drinks, I dove in. I ate half the chips and slugged down a margarita which made me QUITE drunk considering I had no food in my system all day.

Then I slugged down another drink and got to work on my entree. I devoured that and then I KNEW that 1.) I had eaten too much and 2.) I had waaay too much to drink on so little food. These 2 little points allotted me permission to purge in my drunk mind.

Luckily doing so let me sober up a little bit. I was effing wasted.

But I honestly had a really good time. I laughed and ate and joked like a normal person and then got rid of the evidence that I had been acting normal. The hubby and I had a blast.

I just wish you didn't have to pay as much for food if you planned on throwing it up anyway.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Donuts and Daily

The scale said 115lbs this morning.

I was shocked.

But I got on and off about 5 times and THAT, ladies, is what is ACTUALLY said. I am only 5 pounds away from my [ultimate] goal weight. 5 measly little pounds.

My method is working... And I'm SO elated.

Lately, I feel ana taking over again...

A co-worker offered me a donut yesterday... I said, "No thanks. My stomach hurts a bit and I probably shouldn't have all that sugar."

What I was REALLY thinking was, "Oh man... Those are my favorite junk food on the planet, and just you offering me one is causing me to have a MASSIVE panic attack. It makes me want to grab that flimsy box out of your hands, polish off every last one and then run into the bathroom and throw up once I know they're good and soggy in my stomach. Just you offering me is making me freak the fuck out right now, and the smell of that sweet sugary glaze is making me want to punch you in the face, because I know I can't have one, and how DARE you offer me!? I know if I give in to that one little morning treat, I'll give in all day long."

Then lunch rolls around... They have all been ordering in from this pizza place in town that has SUCH good food... The smell fills the office SO frequently it drives me bonkers...

"Do you want anything?"

"No, I think I'm good."

"You didn't bring a lunch... And Pat's off so you can't go out... What are you going to eat?"

Cornered. Completely fucking cornered.

Cornered by one of the sweetest men on the planet, the donut guy, the jokester that I laugh with all day long, the 40-something-year-old bachelor that everyone loves because he's just so NICE to be around... I want to punch him for the second time in 4 hours. For a second, I feel guilty about this.

"Oh I forgot she's off! Yeah, I guess. Let me see the menu."

I browse. There's nothing. Not a damn thing that an ana girl should eat. Panic attack ensues once again. The longer I read the menu the more panic ensues.

"What are you gonna get?"

"I think I might get a veggie calzone."

"Ooh good choice. Will you order everything for us?"

Ding ding ding! Bingo! If I order myself, I can get whatever. I can special order things and not look like a weirdo. I can get a small Greek salad and an unsweet tea, and when it arrives, I can say, "Yeah I just decided to get a salad. I didn't realize it would be so small." Then when they have to run back out onto the sales floor, I can scrape off the cheese, use almost no dressing and only eat half.

And that's what I did.

And I wasn't even hungry.

Then dinner rolls around every night... I cook for the hubby and I. I make meals that seem like I eat plenty. We've had pulled pork, pot roast, stuffed pasta, and Pad Thai this week... I cook it myself so I KNOW it's as low calorie as possible, I veggie-load at every meal, I put small portions on small plates so it looks like more.. I try to keep it around 300 cals, but even if I don't... It's only one meal. The one I have all day, so even if it's 500, I'm still good.

It's been genius. Pure genius.

I have coffee or tea or diet soda at breakfast time to give me a caffeine metabolism boost. I do the same at lunch and I throw in a couple skittles or a lollipop. We have a candy machine at work that dispenses one little handful at a time... I get my handful, count out the ones I deem okay to eat and chuck the rest in the trash before I can contemplate it too much.

And I'm chained to that desk with no escape all day, so even if I WANTED to eat something, I have no opportunity until I get home and cook dinner.

And normally by then my stomach is so shrunken I can't eat as much as I'm allowed.

Today is the real test, however... Today I'm off and at home. I decided I'm going to paint my bedroom and bathroom (we still haven't since we moved in months ago) so that my house looks nice when Elise comes to visit me this weekend.... I'm psyched.

She's my cute body friend... We all have one. She doesn't make me feel SO bad because her body type is not what I like or want... But it's cute, and she doesn't have an ounce of fat on her.

So I need to get to that point as well.

Well, off to the store to buy paint, ladies! Think thin!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Amazing

I stepped on the scale this morning, and it was SO good to me!

117lbs. I'm actually down to where I was around Christmas. So nice to be back here. And soon, I'll blow you away and you'll never see me again.

I lost another THREE pounds since yesterday. I was honestly praying for ONE. I knew my calories were higher than usual yesterday and thought that would lead to some stagnant numbers, but nope!

That means NINE pounds lost in 4 days.

Wow, body. I didn't know we could do that.

Now I only have 7lbs to lose and a solid week to do it.

I woke up early to go to the gym this morning, but I injured my neck a couple days ago, and now I can't move it very well... I reached for the alarm clock, and it pinched a bit. SO, I decided in an effort to not let it get full-blown hurt, I should probably stay home.

Hopefully tomorrow I can get in a workout of SOME kind.

Well, ladies, I have to run. I'm planning on catching up on all of your blogs over lunch hopefully... Since I won't be eating.

Think thin!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Too much and not enough

Today was higher than I wanted it to be.

Intake today:
B: Coffee - 0 cals
L: Small salad and 7 skittles - 150 cals.
S: 1/2 slice pizza and small handful of nuts- 210 cals.
D: Pot Roast and Asparagus - 220 cals.
S: 2 Oreos and 1/4 cup cereal - 155 cals.

Total: 735 cals.

I could have done better today.

I could have eliminated a LOT of calories, but I'm still proud of today because I wanted to binge SO BADLY today, and I didn't.

I hope the scale is nice to me tomorrow.

I need to get back to the GYM! I have about 9lbs left to lose. And 8 days left to do it.

I can do it. I CAN if I try hard enough.

Tomorrow's goals:
1.) GYM!
2.) Coffee for breakfast and nothing for lunch/small dinner with mostly vegetables.

Off to burn some cals before bed. I figure if I burn about 300 cals via jumping jacks I can get rid of a lot of the damage I may/may not have done.

Oh scale, PLEASE be nice tomorrow!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Into the groove

I'm back on track, ladies.

You didn't know I was OFF track in the first place because I have not been posting as promised, but I am!

I have a deadline... I have ten days to lose ten pounds. Or at least 8. Is this possible? Yes, with a bit of work.

Two days ago, I weighed myself, and the number was disgusting... I've been maintaining around 120lbs, wishing it was 110lbs or, hell, even 115lbs, but nope...

And then I stepped on the scale for the first time in a few days, and WHAM.

Reality.

I was up SO high, higher than I've been in a year probably. And it clicked in my brain...

I. Need. Ana.

I've been all over the place lately... Binging and purging and binging and not purging and gorging myself and just having the most FUCKED UP food experiences ever lately.

This is ALWAYS what happens when I think, "I want to be normal and enjoy food again." I go overboard... I consume everything around me and it's not enough, so I blow all my money and then puke it away and it inevitably leads me to gain.

And I DID.

Then I start having nightmares and getting bloated and nauseous and I look at my body and my swollen breasts and I think how AWFUL I look, how fat and disgusting, and feel like I want to DIE. Because I know that it wouldn't take too long to go back to being 160lbs again... A couple months of behaving like that, and they weight would rush back on.

So, I'm once again deciding to give in. With Ana, I feel safe. I feel like I'm in control. I count and measure and I KNOW that if I adjust the numbers low enough, I can obtain whatever I want.

And I want to be THIN. I want to go out this summer to the beach with my friends and wear a bikini and not have to un-tag every photo on facebook because I don't look good in any of them.

Another struggle lately has been figuring out my physical activity. At my previous job, I walked all night long. Now, I sit for 8 hours a day. And my gym is too far away to go on my lunch break, so it's either wake up early or go after work. And honestly, going after work is out because I don't get home until 6:30pm and the hubby is normally starving by then! So, I've been trying to go before work, but some nights I don't get to bed on time for WHATEVER reason, and I don't make it happen.

It's just an adjustment. I'm going to get there. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to try to go Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday of every week and then Sunday or Wednesday if possible, depending on what I have to do. Those are my days off, and sometimes it's impossible for me to get there.

I'll manage a routine soon, but over the past 2 days I've been focusing on getting my eating under control... Basically here is what I have been eating:

B: Coffee & Splenda - 0 cals
L: Iced Tea or diet pill and @ 8 Skittles - 30 cals
D: A "Normal" Meal - 300 cals max.

I don't eat anything all day until around 3pm when I have the Skittles to boost my blood sugar so I can drive home. Then I cook a meal in an ana-approved way and make sure I don't go overboard... And my stomach is so shrunken by not eating all day that usually I don't WANT to eat that much and I get full very quickly.

My only issue is that most days I have to take an HOUR for lunch, which means I need to find something I can do that's not eating during that period... I realize that I should probably spread out my calories more throughout the day so I'll probably by incorporating a small lunch (ie an apple or something) here soon. Don't want my metabolism to slow down! But eating that is not going to take me an HOUR, and in order to avoid my coworkers and their plethora of junk food (19 men, 2 women... That is our staff. Needless to say there's a lot of junk.) I need to find a way to occupy myself, preferably away from the break room which smells like food all day long and the vending machine which is FULL of my favorite junk foods.

Avoiding is working, though.

I've lost SIX pounds in two days. I don't even know HOW that is possible, but it is. I really have. I haven't been that bloated or constipated or anything either... Fairly normal and gaining at a slow but steady pace, and then WHAM. SIX of the pounds gone.

It's amazing.

I think I'm going to attempt the library tomorrow during my break. Then at least I can use their internet and possibly read a bit.

In other news...

Things are a LOT better now at my job. I STILL don't like the girl I work with, but I talked to my boss a bit about everything, and they're trying REALLY hard to work with me and have basically told her that she's to stay in her area and leave me to mine. They want me to stay really badly.

But, I'm not. In fact, I begin classes soon to get my certification to work at a Pre-K. I'm soo excited. Not only will it be WAY more fun and exciting, but it will be more active too, which I NEED.

Other than that, my weight's coming off, and I'm excited. I want to be the same size this year on my anniversary as I was last year, I want to be thin for Memorial Day weekend and they friend activities that are supposed to take place, and I want to wear a bikini and not feel gross for the first time ever.

Diet Coke cheers to that!

Think thin, ladies!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Work and working out

I came here with the intent to write a long updating blog, but now I don't any longing or inspiration to do so...

I'm going to force myself though...

I'm...okay.

I started my new job, and it's awful. There's a bitch that works there that DOES NOT like me, and the feeling is mutual.

She's a gross skanky-ass cunt, and I do not mean that lightly... I'll write more about her some other time, I'm sure.

In other news, I've been adjusting to work and having a new schedule. It's been difficult to figure out how to balance my meals so that I can get through the day and not be so ravenous when I come home that I want to inhale everything...

AND it's been difficult to squeeze in working out. I've managed to go in the mornings before work quite a number of times over the past week, and once I get a solid schedule, I'm sure it will be easier... The other morning I awoke at 5am to get in a workout. I was proud.

Okay this is all I have to offer tonight.

Sorry this post sucks. Tomorrow when I'm not so tired, I promise I'll write a real entry.