Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Ana is back, and so am I

It's amazing how quickly it all comes back once you let it...

My lovely ED. I have missed you. I'm thrilled you have returned to me. 

The rules flood my brain, numbers, calculations, decisions... Slowly at first. A few impromptu things here and there that show me where I'm headed. A meal skipped, a denied treat offered by a coworker, a calculation of my daily intake, a food item with only "Ana approved" items. The rules start slowly implementing themselves while I simply sit back and watch. 

I struggle for a few days. Don't remember the rules or don't think of them at every moment. I'm weak. I hate that feeling, and my disgust for my weakness outweights even my disgust for my fatness. 

I take quick trips to the bathroom to purge when I've gone too far. This lasts a couple days, and then I give in to the rules so that I don't have to keep doing this. 

I don't like Mia. I do at first; there is a liberating feeling associated with purging the food that just held me captive, but I don't enjoy it anymore after a few times. Mia is not for daily life. Mia is for forced food gatherings, evenings out, and drunkenness. And I know deep down that Mia will get me caught. Especially with the boyfriend who is actually so much more observant of me than the hubby ever was.

So, I tuck Mia away for those special occasions, and Ana takes over. She does not like feeling bloated or vomiting. She is so effortless and lovely, and she knows what is and is not ok at all times. She is always in control and she is happy. She loves herself and shows me how to do the same. 

I'm patient with the scale for a few days while my body tries to figure out what to do with so much water and so little food. It jumps back and forth, high numbers and then low with no rhyme or reason. My stomach bloats and sinks in strangely, looking huge at times when it is empty and frustrating me. But I just keep doing what Ana says, and I wait. 

The scale gets it eventually. And so do I. The numbers slowly slip away, and I start to finally feel sane. 

I feel alive once more and like life is worth living. I set my goals, I buy my safe foods, and I plan out everything perfectly so that Ana and I can be happy together. 

I feel so much better when I'm with Ana. I feel so much better when I'm skinny. All the work in the world is worth it. 

Today's intake:
1 banana
3oz chicken
1cup spicy sautéed veggies

I'm down 3lbs since last week. Time to lose the rest. 

Time to think thin. 

Monday, March 3, 2014

Drugs and fat

Drugs I have done:
Weed
Shrooms
Coke
Ex
Molly
Adderal 
Bars
Vico

I'm so fat. Disgustingly so. I want to be thin, but my life keeps getting in the way of that. 

I need to get myself together. 

I need my body to do what I want it to do. 

I need to focus.