Monday, September 28, 2009

Always a slacker with the posts

I know it's been AGES since I've written, and I am so sorry ladies.

I miss all of you and writing on here... And thinspo.

I have been so caught up with life and all that I haven't had the time/privacy to write.

BUT a few good things have happened...

I went home and visited all my friends whom I haven't seen in about 8 months, and all of them said I'd lost weight and that I looked good.

ALL of them.

I was so estatic, I can't even explain it to you.

AND, the Chevy situation has come to an end... I can't begin to explain how complicated things got right now because I don't have time, but I will on Thursday.

I have to run, ladies... I really didn't have time for an update, but I SWEAR I will on Thursday!

<3 you all!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Pink Bikinis

Haven't eaten yet today... The Fiance and I are going out to dinner here in a minute, so I'll be ordering a salad, hold the cheese/nuts/bready items, dressing on the side.

I'm honestly feeling pretty hungry, but I don't want to eat... My stomach has definitely shrunk.

But, anyway... I suddenly feel like I have WAY more readers lately, and that is frickin' awesome, except I haven't had a chance to check out anyone's blogs yet... I barely have time to post.

SO those who I follow and those who follow me, please forgive my absence! You're all in my thoughts.

Fast partner on Sunday??? Any takers??? I know it's only wed, but if you want to plan for it, DO IT WITH ME!!!

BUT, here's some thinspo... Lately I'm obsessed with pink bikinis.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Back from Dinner

Dinner went well.

We ordered a lot of little things for the 1st and 2nd courses and shared them, so I was able to pick and no one noticed that I barely ate anything off the plates.

And when it came time for dinner I ordered a side salad and barely picked at it.

So the food went good, especially since that as all I ate today, and the dinner itself was amazingly relaxing and nice.

I adore the girls I work with, and I'm really glad I went... We talked and talked for HOURS.

But, I have to run... There really wasn't a point opdating except it helps me... LOL!

OH, and last night I watched Disfigured. Watch it!

Revised yet again.

When the fiance came home yesterday, he forced me to eat. I picked and prodded, but still broke my fast... Which I was SO mad about, but what can I do? I told him about work and he started questioning my daily intake, and there you have it.

I haven't eaten yet today, but I'm contemplating if I should even plan on attending the B-day dinner... I feel like I need to go because all the girls I work with are going, but I don't want to EAT.

FUCK this.

I think after I drop the fiance off at work, I'll go to the gym and burn off as many cals as I'm going to eat tonight plus some and then not eat anything until I go to dinner and then nothing after...

And then I'll fast Sunday. Sunday I'm not working, and the fiance will be at work all day, so I can REALLY fast.

I've already dropped a bit of my re-gain weight, so if I stick to today and then plan Thurs-Sat and fast Sunday, I'll be better than I was.

I'm mad about the fast, but there's nothing I can do about it now, so Sunday it is! And today I'm only eating the salad.

Good plan? I think so.

The name of my blog should be "Constant Revision."

I'll post after dinner, loves!

Monday, September 7, 2009

Broken fast... Not a shock.

I broke my fast.

Because I'm a weak, fat individual.

My blood sugar got REALLY low at work, so I told myself I could eat ONE piece of chocolate.

BAD idea.

Fucking trigger food.

Then I ate some fucking pasta.

It wasn't really a binge, in the sense that I didn't go on a rampage eating everything in sight, but I planned on FASTING, so it was way more than I should have consumed... SO I threw it all up.

At first I tried to convince myself that it was okay... But I couldn't stop myself. When I kept thinking about the fact that I ate CHOCOLATE and PASTA, I got so panicked that I just had to.

Why can't I binge on lettuce or something?

And I felt SO terrible. I almost started crying. I felt like a complete failure and like I'm going to be fat fucking forever.

Everyone at work kept asking what was wrong with me, so I told them I didn't feel well. Which was TRUE because a.) I was mad at myself and b.) My stomach hurt from throwing up so hard.

SO I came home early, and now I feel like crap-ola.

I'm so mad I fucked up my fast... Just because I threw it up doesn't mean it didn't count.

Now I'm contemplating going to the B-day dinner or not... Since everyone saw me feeling sick, I could probably get away with just ordering a small salad and picking at it, and I guess it would be okay if I fasted all day until then.

It would be an official 24 hour fast, and it that's all I ate all day, maybe it would be okay?

I think so... I'll get a salad and a side of broccoli, and that's all.

And I'll attempt another fast some other time this or next week.

I need to re-gain self control!

Shit shit shit.

Only coffee this morning... I' shaky but don't feel too terribly hungry.

I just realized that I'm supposed to go to a birthday dinner with a girl I work tomorrow...

But I want to fast... And I want to fast with you girls!

What do I doooo!???

Maybe I skip it? Maybe mia? Maybe fast until that point?

Advice, please!

2 Day fast

2 day fast... Starting today.

Only allowing myself coffee with Splenda, Diet Coke, and water with lemon.

Anyone want to join me???

If not today, then tomorrow as well, ladies!

I need to play catch-up.

Love you aaaalll!

Especially Sarah and Flushed for your love and support. ♥

Sunday, September 6, 2009

I'm a total fat-ass.

Ladies, I have been doing SO BAD lately... I've totally gained.

I'm not going to make excuses... Sometimes I just don't have ANY self-control.

And the past 2 weeks have been like that... I keep telling myself I'll make it up... That I'll regain self control. That I'll get back on track. And then I lose self-control... Until I get so SICK of myself that I can't stand myself. And then I don't eat ANYTHING and I throw EVERYTHING up, and I lose again.

I feel so disgusted with myself.

But I can't go back... Only forward.

Today's intake:
B: Chicken, asparagus, rice, and a steamed egg roll at a noodle shop in town.
L: Nothing.
D: Mia.

And that's all. Time to get my ass back in gear so I don't have to hate myself so much anymore.

I love you ladies, don't be ashamed of me.