Friday, January 15, 2016

The boyfriend

I feel better today.

I was anxious this morning, but the boyfriend and I spent quite a bit of time together, and I think that helped, honestly... He always makes me feel better.

He's sleeping next to me on the couch right now, and I kissed his forehead, and he said, "I love you" half asleep. He means it. I can tell by the way he looks at me and the sound of his voice when he says it that he sincerely and deeply loves me.

It's such an honor. 

Sometimes he's not very good at being a boyfriend or even an adult, but I don't question that his love for me is definitely real... I think I'm finally starting to believe that and to see that all of our past actions and hurt have never been a factor in that area. I worry and stress, but deep down I know he's not going anywhere. I think this will always work... I think we're good together and everyone sees it. I think our bond is strong because we can rely on one another when things are hard - we have already done it so many times.

Every day with him, I love him more. And he loves me, and it shows. No matter how much I cannot fathom someone as amazing as him wanting someone like me, he still does. He could do better. He could have someone like Michelle. And sometimes when I look at him, I can't understand how we ended up together, against ALL odds.

I'll never forget the first night I met Tanya, and she told me, "No one wants him" when I scooped him up in a drunken stupor. She had misread our fight earlier, thinking I was jealous of their friendship. She was trying to reassure me that not only did she not want him, but no one else from their world did either. I think she was wrong though... He's so wonderfully contagious. Lots of people would want him.

And sometimes when we spend time together, and I see my reflection or just stop for a second and look at myself, I cannot believe that he wants me. I feel so incredibly ugly in comparison to him. I have to literally avoid looking at myself at times just so that I can stay focused on enjoying my time with him and not thinking about how disgusting I am...

We went grocery shopping this morning. It seems so insignificant, but it was much needed, in several respects. It was also so incredibly fucking pleasant. It's crazy how nice it can be to do something so lame...

It's amazing how much he builds me up and how easily he handles my crazy. He knows it's there. We both do. It's obvious. But it doesn't seem to bother him that much for some reason. He tries to pull me back and give me tough love, and he doesn't run from it. He puts up with it and rides it out and tells me I'm worth it. I don't know how that's possible... I've always tucked it away, and others have seen it and run.

When my crazy is out strong, I hide. I pull away from people and interaction and even leaving my house. That's what I've been doing for days now... I've avoided Donna and Lolly and even Ee a bit... I just withdraw when I feel overwhelmed. Today I almost did it with the boyfriend. I told him I would go shopping alone, but when I asked on a whim if he would join me, suddenly everything got better.

He makes my world a brighter place. And I am so grateful, because I know it would be a dark place without him.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Anxiety is me.

I skipped class today.

I had an anxiety attack yesterday, could barely function in class this morning, got phone calls to the effect of no clients next week, went home and freaked out at the boyfriend, got super high, binged, and passed out on the couch. I woke up at 9:30pm, which is ususally just when the boyfriend is passing out.

Now he's passed out, and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm a mess.

My depression is in full swing. I didn't even e-mail my professor yet, because I don't know what to say about missing the first damn day of class... "Hey, I know I'm trying to be a counselor by taking your class, but I should probably be a client instead." or "I missed class because I'm such a bundle of raw nerves that I couldn't imagine leaving my house without practically crying."

I think I'm actually getting extremely depressed with all this alone time lately. When the boy is awake with me, we talk and laugh and chit chat and all that shit until we both get sleepy. We pick activities and movies together and focus on each other. Now he falls asleep by 10pm on the couch, and I have this sleepless life where I smoke and eat until 3am and have to pick out my own activities, but can't really DO anything, because I'm not single and able to go out or socialize... I'm just alone with thoughts that I can't handle.

The thoughts go:

He's not loyal and he doesn't love me. How could he? I'm a miserable fat cow. How could anyone love me? Even Adam didn't love me once he saw my crazy. How could anyone? It's not their fault. I'm like G. She's pathetic, and I'm only about 50 pounds away from there. If I don't stop being like this, I'll be alone like she is. Why can't I just lose weight? Why can't I just do what I need to? Why do I always think putting it off will be ok? I put off the changes another day and another and another, thinking one more day of eating will make me happy. But it just makes me fat and sad. Eating hurts me. Binging hurts me, but I do not know how to stop... I've had an eating disorder for as long as I can remember, and I just want to shake it. I want to be healthy. I'm starting to get old, and I notice it. I have white hair, and wrinkles forming, and I look tired and it's not as easy for me to get weight off anymore. It's sad that I'm already getting old and my brain and body still haven't figured this out. This eating thing. I'm pathetic. I'm a loser.

I'm a loser. I might be smart, some might think I'm pretty, but I'm a loser.

I don't fit in in the world. I never have, and I don't think I ever will. I just can't handle the world. Maybe it's because my parents kept me so far away from it in life, or maybe that just protected me from having to deal with it when I wasn't older and a little more capable. But whatever the case, I don't fit in here.

And the ONE person who I fully fit in with has SO much of my heart and emotions right now, that I'm horrified that something will happen to take him from me. I'm so scared of losing him lately that there are tears streaming down my face while I write this. I know I have messed around on him, and I think it was because I was trying to convince myself that if we ended, I would be ok. But I would not be. I would not fucking be ok. I need him more than I have ever needed anyone, and that is a hard fact that scares the shit out of me, because I completely can't control that fact. Just seeing this period of opposite schedules and how that makes me so freaked out, I know I would be a mess without him. He accepts me and digs down deep to get me and is so patient and understanding. He cares about me SO much more than I ever thought he would.

Today standing with all those girls in the prac room felt like journalism school all over again. It felt so scary and familiar. Like the lab at CF and the lab at Uni. I felt like I was right back to 10/12 years ago, and it was horrifying. I felt like an outsider. Like I didn't belong. Like I couldn't talk. I was just standing there, wanting to jump into the conversation, but unable to do so. I was quiet and weird. I was standing there, wanting to run and laughing at their jokes like I did in high school. I was unable to get outside of my head. I kept telling myself to jump into the conversation and say something, but I literally had nothing to say. Then when I did open my mouth, I just felt like a moron. The wheels were turning so hard that I could barely pay attention to what they were saying. I know I seemed disinterested or snobby, but the reality is that I am so fucking shy to this day, I don't know how I manage to talk to a single person ever.

My self-esteem is so thin and brittle. The smallest little shock sends me reeling back to my home to wallow is self-hatred. I do things to try to make myself feel better, but they only make me feel worse, because I should be able to DO this. I should be able to function in the world without having a meltdown. I should be able to go on a date and not purge in the bathroom. But I can't. So instead I stay home and sabotage myself. Because if I'm doing it, then at least I have control over it.

I'm unhappy again. And this time it's not because I'm with the wrong person or doing the wrong thing with my life. This time, it's just me I'm unhappy with.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Fuck me.

I'm fat, fat, fat.

And unpleasant. And bitchy and controlling and a big fat fucking mess.

And I want to be better than this by February. By my birthday. But I'm just a fat pig cow instead who can't be nice to the one person who needs and deserves it for putting up with all my shit.

If he ever strayed, it would be my fault anyway, right?

69... Ok...

Skinny. And nice.

I think I need drugs.