Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Pizza and competition.

Yesterday's cals were around 500. Today around 750.

They're a little higher today because I had to eat pizza.

The hubby wanted to get pizza from this place we used to go to all the time before we moved away. Now that were back, he was anxious for some.

I ate about 100 cals of salad (and lots of coffee/diet coke/tea and a ciggy) all day in preparation because I've been trying really hard not to mia lately. I wanted to really really badly after the pizza, even though I wasn't grossly full like I normally am after carbs, but I didn't let myself.

750 isn't too bad, so I decided to let it slide, even though I feel gross.

I feel like I've been doing really well lately, but with no scale around I honestly have no idea. It scares me a bit, so I'm trying to just do what I know has worked before.

In other news, I think we may have found a house to rent!

It's not in the best neighborhood, and it needs some paint and cleaning and work, but the price is hard to pass up, and I don't mind working a little on a place. Plus, we're getting my brothers dog, and the landlord didn't have an issue with us having 2 dogs.

We're going to call tomorrow and figure things out.

The only thing I'm apprehensive about is what Noel will think about it...

I know I've mentioned her before, but I couldn't find the entry...

To make a very long story short, she is my competition in life. Fucking lame, but true.

She and her now hubby (who is my hubby's bff) started dating about a month after me and the hubby did. The boys were roommates at the time, so we spent a lot of time around them then.

Back then, she was the cuter girl.

Now she has gained weight, and I have lost weight, gained a major sense of fashion and gotten a hair cut. My wedding was in July, I weighed 112lbs. Her wedding was in August, she weighed 150lbs+.

She used to have an ed. She told me before that she missed senior prom because she was in the hospital. When I look at her now, I don't know if I believe that. (We're staying at their place right now while they're out of town and we're looking for a place, and my nosey self looked all through her photo albums and couldn't find any thinny thin pics. I know, stalker, but I'm crazy when it comes to her!)

I compete with her, and I honestly do not know why. I feel like I need to be better than her, and I never feel that way about anyone.

Every change we make in life, they make immediately after us. We hooked up, they hooked up. We started dating, they started dating. We got engaged, they got engaged. We got a dog, they got a dog. We got married, they got married THREE WEEKS LATER.

It makes me compete with her. Especially in the thin department.

SO, now that we're all going to be living in the same town again, I want a place that is enviable. I don't expect anything insanely nice, because I know our budget, but I don't want to feel like a failure about my home.

Being the thinnest is most important, but it's not all that matters in this dynamic.

Anyway, I guess tomorrow is decision day, so we'll see!

Think thin, ladies!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Obligitory family holiday dinners

I really hate my dad's family.

Having dinner with them is honestly the last thing I want to do. Them and all their stupid small talk, getting annoyingly sobby and drunk because we have no relationship.

Yeah because I refuse to pretend to like you.

They can keep their fake emotions. I know they only feel sorry for themselves. And they can keep their shitty calorie-ridden fatty food too.

My grandma is basically dieing of cancer. I don't care. It doesnt hurt. It hurts more that I don't care, actually. She told me at 12 years old that she didnt love me so why should I care?

My aunt is a drunk pathetic annoying individual. And my uncle is a total loser who thinks he's hot shit. I'd probably like him more if he hadn't married my aunt. What a huge mistake he made.

Plus, my mom turns into a giant bitch when she's around them.

Method to the madness that is family dinner: take an ana-approved ammount of several items that are relatively harmless, eat half of the ammount on the plate, feign a migraine, play with the food on the plate until everyone else is done, gross myself out about how nasty the food really is.

Easier than anticipated.

Nothing like a dysfunctional family to add to a disordered eater.

About 800cals today and I'm not eating another bite. Meh by my standards.

I wish I had my scale. Its really bothering me not being able to know my weight.

Also not getting a christmas text back from Chevy is bothering me, but that is a completely nother matter.

Think thin, ladies.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Ereader for christmas. With wifi.

This thing is so badass. You can expect more updates from me for sure!

I just bough portia's book and can read it with no one knowing. I can't wait to start it.

Moving has been hard. We still haven't found a place and I honestly have no idea what my weight is at because my scale is packed away.

We're staying at my moms house over the holidays so my eating hasn't been so fast foodish, but I feel like a whale. Her scale says I'm at 120lbs, and normally hers is about 2lbs heavier than mine, but I feel like I cannot possibly weigh 118lbs.

I feel like a thousand.

I honestly don't want to see any of my friends until I feel like I'm significantly thinner, and that is why I wanted to move back here so badly. I've put off making plans with or calling any of them...

True ed girl behavior, I guess.

The holidays haven't been super bad, (today's cals were under 500) but tomorrow is our big meal day.

Wish me luck ladies! I'm going to go confer with my mom about our menu so I can attempt to plan my calories.

Hope you all have a happy holidays and stay thin and fabulous!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Moving is almost here

I'm gaining.

It's hideous, and I'm about to go full blown crazy ana and starve myself to the point of tears if I don't stop.

I basically have NO control over what I'm eating lately, and even though I'm trying to be good with the choices I can make, the actual number of choices I get to make are SO low lately. There is absolutely no food left in the house that is ana-approved and the amount of fast food we've been consuming over the past couple days while we're in moving limbo is disgusting.

It's been SO stressful getting ready to move, I'm emotional, I'm not sleeping at ALL lately. My stomach has been hurting SO badly lately that I actually went to the emergency room today and they made me get a CT scan because they thought I might have an appendicitis.

Nope, just so fucking stressed out I can't function and my muscles/organs/digestion/sleeping patterns are fucking protesting.

I'm putting all of it behind me though. I'm embracing the scale and I WILL start to lose IMMEDIATELY or I will throw up every ana-approved bite... I will stop eating crap or I just won't eat.

I'm letting myself stress now and tomorrow, no more.

Tomorrow my daddy and brother arrive with the moving trailer to pack me and the hubby up and take us home.

Glorious home.

Where I will be finding a happy little home with my hubby and doggy and possibly my brothers doggy as well.

Then I will lose the fucking weight I'm putting on before I let ANYONE see me!!! Seriously, I have about 6 days to really get as much off as possible before I see the family for X-mas and then another 5 days before New Year to get some more off.

The plan for tomorrow-Wednedsay:
B: Fiber cereal
L: Can of fruit
D: ???

I'm going to keep Dinner to around 200 cals and as much fruit/veg as possible... Tomorrow = frozen dinner. After that I don't fucking know, but if I have to resort to good 'ole mia, I swear I will.

My fucking face even looks fat. And my stomach... Bloat city.

Fuck me I'm disgusting.

I'm going to pop some pills and try to get some fucking sleep tonight.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Back and looking ahead

Sorry for my absence, ladies.

Getting ready to move has been a LOT of work, and there's not much more time... One week! Even now I have other things that I'm supposed to be doing, but I thought I'd take a break from all of it and blog while I have the opportunity.

AND, to top it all off I was sick with ah horrid flu for a WEEK. I was dieing and of course gained weight. When you can't work out or go to work or even MOVE and your hubby is pumping you full of gingerale and crackers and soup and God only remembers what else, it's hard to maintain and I have gained.

Nothing terrible by the world's standards, but horrific by my own.

The past 2 days have been fabulous though. I'm feeling better and am back on track.

My goal is to lose 5lbs by Wednesday for my going away party (where if I do so, I'm allowed to drink whatever I like and eat a meal out) and another 1 or 2 before moving day on Saturday.

This would put me at around 113lbs when I move. And then ideally, I'll be 107lbs by New Year.

It's been easier lately... Except that I worked out SO hard before work the other day that both of my legs hurt QUITE a bit... If I stretch and take it easy I should be able to do another workout by tomorrow.

I'm feeling good about my current routines, but I'm kind of concerned about the holidays.

I know Christmas Day is steak and salad night and then the following day is when we're having our big holiday meal. And seeing as how I know what my mom is preparing, I can stick to a smaller meal.

However, with the hectic schedule of moving and holiday traveling, I'm concerned about controlling my meals.

I'm sure I'll work it out though.

But that aside...

Do you ever have a situation where you wonder how the HELL someone could be physically attracted to you?

I honestly feel that way about my husband every day, but then the other night at work I was thinking about it as well because basically the management team at my job consists of 3 men and they ALL want to sleep with me.

One never would because his girlfriend is already young enough to be his daughter, but the other 2 have SAID things along the lines of, "I want to have sex with you."

They're not really adamant about it, and it never even borders on making me uncomfortable because I know none of them would ever even try something unless I initiated it, but the other night they all started drinking toward the end of their shifts and I have never felt more sneakily ogled in my life. Only they weren't that sneaky about it.

And I don't understand because 1.) I'm FAT and ugly and 2.) This is what I wear to work:


Oh yeah, so sexy. I mean, I know black is slimming and everything, but I seriously look like a man in my work clothes.

I think a lot of the intensity lately is because they know I'm leaving this week and they've been trying for 2 years essentially to fuck me, and they think time is running out.

Guess what, boys. You never had time to begin with. And I don't fucking understand you.

And no, I will not come into work early today. It's fucking snowing and I have 3 shifts before I never see you all again.

In honor of the hideous weather outside my door, snowy thinspo.

Think thin, ladies!






















Saturday, November 27, 2010

Thin.

I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin.

I will be thin.

I will be thin.

I will be thin.

I will be thin.

I will be thin.

I will be thin.

I will be thin.

I will be thin.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Wasted time.

I burned a good 300 calories at the gym this morning, and my intake has been as follows:
Salad - 175
Peanuts - 25
Applesauce - 45
Sugarfree Fruit Cocktail - 100
Total: 345

Lovely.

I'm tired of being fat. Feeling gross. Looking blimpish.

I realized the other day that basically I have to increase my workouts if I want to lose the last bit of weight to be under-weight. Cutting calories to almost nothing is not working, and when I eat like a "normal" person, I gain and my body settles at around 120lbs.

This is not an acceptable weight, so it's time to start working out more.

I realized today when I saw Tanya back at work that I have basically accomplished nothing over the past 5 months. She's been away at school for a whole semester, and this morning when I weighed in, I weigh what I did the night before my party in June.

That is fucking pathetic.

I mean, 5 MONTHS!? I've yo-yo'd for 5 fucking months. What a WASTE of time!

And THEN I started thinking, I've lived in this town almost 2 years and I've lost a grand total of about 40 pounds.

That is also not impressive. I lost the bulk of it quickly and have maintained about 117 pounds for a good year... I want to LOSE IT!

It's time. It's time to accomplish the goal I set when I moved here - 107lbs.

I can do it too. If I really try, increase workouts and cut calories, I can be underweight, and I WILL BE.

I will be thin before I move back if I have to start throwing up every bite I eat.

Think thin, ladies.

Good luck with Thanksgiving tomorrow, my fellow American bloggers. I will be at work all day and plan on my trusty lunch box getting me through the shit fest around me.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Reward Program

I have decided to start a rewards program for myself, to motivate myself to lose weight.

I did the math and if I keep it low from now until when I move I can be at around 107, which is honestly my IDEAL goal, but the current goal is 111, because that's lower than my wedding day.

Either would honestly do at this point.

So, the rewards program is as follows:
Every day I will write 3 rules for myself, leading to under 500 calories a day.
If I follow all 3 rules, I get to put aside $4 for myself.
If I manage to follow the rules AND throw in a workout of at least 30 minutes, I get $8.
If I throw in a workout that burns 500 calories, I get $10.
If I break a rule, but still manage to have a low intake day (under 500) I get $2.
If I have a day where I eat over 1,000 calories, I have to give back $4.
AND, last but not least, if I manage to weigh 110 or less by my move, I get a $50 bonus.

THIS will be Christmas money for myself to buy whatever I want to celebrate my new body.

I think it's a freaking phenomenal idea, and I'm starting a little journal today to keep track!

Today's goals:
1.) NO BREAD!!!
2.) NO food after 10pm.
3.) Following meal schedule:
Now: Fruit gummies - 45 cals
4pm: Apple - 60 cals
6pm: Orange - 45 cals
8pm: Apple sauce- 45 cals
9:45pm: Popcorn or Oatmeal - 100 cals

Goals, set! Off to accomplish other things before work!

Think thin, ladies!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I'm too fat. Nobody will love me.

I know I've been MIA lately, and it's because I've been working SO much. I'm trying to save all the money I need to move, and it's been a struggle. My personal life has ALSO been rough.

I know I've gained. I KNOW. It's only a few pounds, but I'm not talking about it or focusing on it because then I go down the slippery slope of, "Well, what's the point?"

I've been in limbo, wanting to do better, feeling guilty, and not doing better because once I fuck up one thing, I get defeated or set unrealistic goals and break them and get MORE defeated...

SO, I'm going to take it one step at a time and get back in the ana game.

I've been mia'ing lately, but that is so bad for me, my heartbeat was irregular the other day. Lovey.

Plus it doesn't even help me lose if I don't do it consistently and methodically, and I haven't been.

SO, here I sit fat and unhappy and determined to change that.

Today's goals:
1.) Following eats ONLY: Apple, peaches, oatmeal, fiber pills, soup, green tea.
2.) NO FUCKING BREAD.
3.) NO food once I get off of work.

I'm a mouse trapped in the body of an elephant.

Time to change it.

I want to be thin and pretty before I move back home, and THAT is what I need to focus on. I need to be as thin as I was on my wedding the last time everyone saw me.

THAT is better than whatever shit I could ever eat.

Think thin, ladies.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Fresh start

Planning to move, finances, my job, EVERYTHING is stressful lately...

The hubby told me I was eating my emotions last night.

I haven't gained, but obviously my bingey behavior looks suspicious.

I wanted to cry.

Lately I basically do not eat all day and then when I get home from work I consume about 500-800 calories in one sitting.

Talk about repulsive.

My weight hasn't budged from 119lbs, and that is completely unacceptable.

But today is a fresh start and I'm going to drop this weight before I move.

Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Don't bring me down.

Today's resolve is clear, unlike the fog of the past 2 days.

I'm sure in my depressed, anxious, stressed-the-fuck-out state I have gained, but I'm not going to check.

I am going to have low, low days from today until my next day off, and then I will grace the scale.

I say grace because I know I will have lost and be satisfied with my progress.

I am going to say, "Fuck you." to food, my job, the people that piss me off, and life's shitty mess in general.

I will not be brought down by anything any longer.

I will be thin.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Numbers.

I live my life in numbers.

48 stressful hours.

6 hours of conversation about the same fucking thing.

5 text messages to the skinny friend.

180 calories.

1 day of "normal" eating.

13 hours of work.

26,000 steps.

500 guilty panic attacks.

2 urges to B&P.

1 cigarette.

8 diet cokes.

7 pills.

3 hours of denial that the pills will eventually put me to sleep.

120 minutes of ED-TV.

2 trips to the scale.

12 minutes of "rational" thinking.

3 bouts of tears.

0 answers.

100,000 wishes.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Disgusting

Last night was a travesty.

An absolute horror.

I didn't eat all day. Then at dinner, I had a normal size meal. I thought, "It can't hurt. If anything, I'll purge." So there I was, eating Tapas. Eating less than the other girls, drinking less, but my body is not used to a "normal" amount of food:
1 cup of rice
3 shrimp
1/3 of a salad
2 inch cube of cheese
2 slices bread
Olive Oil
1 bite beef
2 bites gnocchi
3 bites of sausage
2 bites of chicken
1/2 a spring roll

It's not a ton, but it felt like bricks in my stomach.

I wanted to purge. I felt like I needed to. But there was NO opportunity. And trust me, I tried and tried until my behavior looked really suspicious.

I felt DISGUSTING. So full of SHIT and calories that I didn't want in there. I felt SICK all night long. Dinner, drinks, smokes, party, more drunk food (crackers and some dip stuff) SICK.

And this morning I feel STILL feel sick.

The scale scorned me, as is my digestion.

I feel on the verge of throwing up but I know there's nothing but bile left.

SO, thus we come to the plan today:

Planned eats, NO CARBS, NO SUGAR, NO PROTEIN.
Fiber pills and Diet Coke - 10 cals
Apple - 60 cals
Peaches - 100 cals
Sugarfree Red Bull - 10 cals
Apple - 60 cals
Fiber cereal - 100 cals
Total: 340 cals

I may go without the peaches.

Right now I don't want ANYTHING, and I hope that feeling stays a while.

Think thin, ladies.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Dream Eat

I've been posting a LOT lately, and I think it's helping my motivation.

I woke up feeling guilty as FUCK this morning, and then realized it's because I ate in my dreams ALL NIGHT LONG. My brain hadn't switched over from dream to reality yet, and the feelings of guilt were horrendous. I must have consumed 3,000 calories in dreamland last night.

Sometimes that's nice because I almost trick myself into thinking I ate a lot of food.

Psycho? Probably.

Today is going to be tricky, I can tell. My body is teetering on that line of not eating too much for 3 days straight and wants to cave. I was looking up recipes a moment ago, and I wanted to tear through my kitchen like a tornado.

I did not, however. Fortunately for me, none of my trigger foods are even in the house right now.

I will not cave.

I know tonight's intake will probably be more than I want, but I'm not giving in to the longing to eat before then. I will have my tea or coffee from Starbucks with sugarfree everything and no dairy or soy and then bide my time until dinner.

Well, have to run, ladies. I have to go buy real butter because I'm making a cake for Ashley's birthday dinner. Oh, the irony.

Think thin.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

On track for the 3rd day

I got a little off track today, but didn't blow it.

Today's calories are estimated as follows:
Peaches - 50 cals
Chai Tea - 10 cals
Sugarfree Red Bull - 10 cals
1.5 brussel sprouts - 12 cals
1 Walnut - 25 cals
Bite of cookie dough - 15 cals
5 french fries - 45 cals
Sip of fruit punch - 3 cals
Piece of bread with butter - 150 cals
Total: 317

I wracked my brain, but I'm pretty sure this is every bite that touched my lips today.

I feel empty and happy.

Tomorrow's goal, one meal: Salad & Champagne.

I have dinner with my co-workers for Ashley's birthday.

I want to look fabulous and be thin, thin, thin.

Just keep saying the word:

Thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin.

117lbs.

This morning's scale read 117lbs. HOW am I losing a pound and a half a day!?

Not that I'm complaining.

Yesterday's intake = about 400 cals.

Today's goal is LOW!:
Oatmeal - 100
Fiber Pills - 10
Sugarfree Red Bull - 10
Apple - 60
Tuna Salad - 100
Total: 280

Totally do-able.

In other news:

This article is totally worth reading. I'm marking the page that I found the most interesting, but you can scroll through all the tips and read about metabolism if you so desire. On one of the pages, you can calculate your BMR, so that was pretty interesting as well.

I have to run now! Work is soon and I want to watch America's Next top Model on my DRV for some thinspo before I go.

Think thin, ladies.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

280 cals.

Yesterday's intake was 280 cals:

Carrots - 60 cals
Salad with Turkey - 60 cals
Popcorn - 100 cals
Celery - 60 cals

This morning's weight was 118.5lbs.

Amazing. I feel good about it but not like I should celebrate because I still have a ways to go.

Goal today:
Salad w/Cheese - 160 cals
Apple - 60 cals
Sugarfree Red Bull - 10 cals
Peaches - 100 cals
Total: 330

I may try to leave off the peaches if possible... Or only eat half. Or maybe have celery instead.

Yesterday I did SO well, I don't want to fuck it up.

My goal is to have Wednesday-Sunday be good days (Under 450 cals) so that way on Monday when I'm off work with the hubby I don't have to sweat it if we eat something naughty that I can't get away from. Then mia is not a factor. However, I plan to NEVER exceed 1,000 cals a day, PERIOD.

Think thin, ladies.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Limbo

I haven't posted in a while because I've been in emotional limbo... Things have been shitty, shitty, shitty.

My emotions have been SO out of whack and basically I put ana in the back of the closet so I wouldn't have a meltdown and go into a complete state of depression. A LOT of stuff has happened. Things so horrid I don't want to talk about them. I'm still recovering, but I feel I'm coping well, so I pulled ana out of the back of the closet, brushed her off, and evaluated.

The weight this morning was 120lbs.

Back to this fucking spot again.

I'm okay with it because when I look at what I endured over the past week alone, I feel like I was emotionally strong and that I didn't do that terribly. However, I ate my sorrows to a certain degree, and if I don't get things back in check I will be at 125 lbs before I know it. Then the depression spiral will suck me in, and I can't have that. Not now in life. I just have to be strong.

So to summarize, I basically have a new mental plan.

1.) Get thin.
2.) Block out everything else.

I'm going to bide my time in this fucking town until I leave in 6 weeks, and I'm not going to freak out about everything that's going on. I'm going to ride out the lows and highs and let things work themselves out. I want to be back home SO badly, and I know I'm needed, but I just don't have the money yet.

Time. I just have to take my time. I have to remember that I can't change my circumstances, but I can change my weight.

In other less dramatic news:

I had a moment today while I was sitting on the couch where I realized something: I'm not going to be cute forever.

I know, shocking.

But when you think about it, it's like this: One day, you're going to be ugly, and you can't help it. No matter how good you take care of yourself or how much work you have done, you will look old and gross one day. So WHY would you waste your youth looking gross as well? WHY would you go through life unhappy with your body or whatever when you're in your 20's and can change it, when in about 40 years you won't be able to change it.

I mean, your weight of course, but the overall package... Not so much.

This is why I am going to be thinner than thin ASAP. Because I am wasting my youthful good looks. And I don't want to waste anything.

Today's planned eats:
Only Fruits and Vegetables and a small amount of protein. Gotta make up for the horrid weekend.
Carrots and diet coke - 60 cals
Celery and water - 40 cals
Salad with Turkey and Sugar free drink - 70 cals
Pickles - 0 cals
One baked potato chip - 7 cals
Microwave something - 150cals or less
Total: 327 cals

Goal set! Now let's achieve.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

No blowing today.

I didn't get in my workout yesterday.

My fucking gym was closed. CLOSED! I was so pissed off. Apparently the card reader was not working so for security purposes no one could enter until it was fixed.

SO I went to work and had a SHITTY night. I fucking HATE my job and am sooo ready to leave in a month. There is so much drama.

Then I got home and blew it. I was emotional and blew it.

I'm not trying to justify my blowing it. I'm just a fatty mc-fatterson, and I DEFINITELY BLEW it.

Not today though. I will not blow it today.

I'm trying not to get discouraged, because that is exactly what happens.

If I fuck up one day and then get right back on track, I'm fine.

If I fuck up TWO days, I get totally discouraged and I think, "What's the point??? I can't regain control and I'm going to be fat anyway, I might as well eat."

And then I eat and eat and eat.

I have no normal eating patterns anymore in life. I either eat like an ana girl or I binge. There is no longer ANY middle ground.

Kind of scary, if you're thinking from a normal person's perspective.

But all I can think is life can be perfect soon. I just need to eliminate binge girl.

I'm tipping the scales toward ana.

I think one of my biggest issues when I binge is that it's late at night... I go through the ENTIRE day doing well, and then lo and behold, I lose control and I binge.

Last night I began my binge at MIDNIGHT. Disgusting.

I remember back when I used to have control over things in life, I used to stop eating every night at 10pm. I get up later in the day, so this is not an unrealistic time of day.

Starting today, I'm putting that back into effect.

No food after 10pm.

No more binging at night, getting a crazy burst of energy and binging more.

From now on, if it's not consumed by 10pm, I don't get to eat it.

Period.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Looooose it.

The goal:

TO lose the rest of this pesky weight by Thursday the 28th.

How I plan to do so:

500 calories max per day (goal = 400 calories).
At least 30 minutes of exercise or 300 calories burned, whichever I prefer.

Yesterday was kind of bad food-wise, around 1,000 calories for the day.

I know for some people that's good, but I consider that failure.

Today's eats:
Carrots and Dip - 50 cals
Tuna Salad - 120 cals
Apple - 60 cals
Sugarfree Redbull - 10 cals
Popcorn - 100 cals
Total: 340 cals.

Headed to the gym nooow!

Think thin, ladies!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Anxiety

I'm avoiding the scale for a few more days... Not because I've been doing badly, but because I want to see an actual significant loss when I step on it. My intake has been spiffy, except for Tuesday of course. Today I also plan on an amazingly low day.

I basically had a panic attack last night... An anxiety attack for sure. I was laying on the couch and suddenly felt like absolute shit. I was SO worried about EVERYTHING, I couldn't handle it. My head was throbbing, I could barely breathe, my ears were ringing... I had to go under the covers in the bedroom and hide away until I could calm down enough to fall alseep. I couldn't even vocalize my issues to the hubby.

There's just a LOT I've been needing to do lately that's not getting done. We're moving soon, money, travel plans, etc!

I basically have been putting things to the back of my mind that I NEED to get done because I simply do not have the mental energy to handle more than the things I have to handle in the moment.

My thank you letters from my WEDDING, 3 MONTHS AGO... Yeah, there's still a few for our bridal party hanging around.

I haven't spoken to my best friend in weeks.

I need to get my ass in gear. And the hubby is wonderful, but our wedded bliss is becoming a bit of a distraction, basically all I do when he's around is cuddle... I need day off without him to get everything accomplished.

Argh... Soon enough, I guess. I just have to focus.

On life and my body.

And stay motivated with both.

Think thin, ladies.



Oh, and PS Victoria Crimson your layout is preventing me from leaving you comments... I don't know if it's just me, but I have not been able to, and I deduce from your lack of comments on your blog posts as of late that it's not just me. I want to leave some looove!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Mia is not scared

Breakfast: Coffee with Splenda, Fiber Pills, and Allergy pill.
Lunch: Salad
Dinner: 100 cals if actual food OR a beer. Allergy pill.

I'm on the right track. Yesterday was a bit of a set-back because I was with the hubby all day, so I couldn't hide how little I was eating.

I mia'd as much as possible... Even in the public restroom at the restaurant when someone may or may not have been in the stall next to me.

I was drunk and did not care if someone heard me purging. Being thin mattered more in that moment.

I scurried out, plastered a smile on my face, calmed myself, and went back to dinner.

No time to post lately... I'll try to more though, hopefully tonight.

Think thin, ladies.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Time to get skinny.

It's time.

Breakfast: A workout, fiber pills, an allergy pill, and coffee with Splenda.
Lunch: A salad with spritzer dressing and a diet pill.
Dinner: A shot of liquor and a sleep-aid.



I read an article in Marie Claire yesterday about diet myths. Exerpt:
"Myth #5 OLD RULE: RETURN TO PROHIBITION

Why you should break it: Alcohol is calorie-packed, but a study from the Archives of Internal Medicine found that women who drank moderately gained less weight than women who never drank. Alcohol slows digestive enzymes and inhibits the breakdown of nutrients, so your body doesn't absorb as much food as it would otherwise, says Dr. Lu Wang, instructor in medicine at Harvard Medical School and the study's lead author.
New rule: Like alcohol? Have either two 5-ounce glasses of red or white wine, two bottles of beer, or 3 ounces of hard liquor daily, Wang says. "Alcohol can help you maintain a normal weight. Cheers!"



Thus, I will be having alcohol for dinner (Either a shot or 2 light beers... Either one have about 195 cals.) when I get home for work, as long as the fiance doesn't start freaking out about it... Then a sleep aid to knock me out before I can start drunk-eating.

Is this slippery slope?

Hope not, because it's where I'm going.

I need to feel it again...

I need to feel the rush. The light-headed, frail, weak, but strong internally feeling. The feeling I had last year, when I had social activities. The feeling of not eating all day so I could go out with my then boyfriend/fiance and eat a small meal and a glass of wine and feel fabulous.

The feeling where I'm running on adrenaline and caffeine.

The feeling of a shrunken stomach and a strong will.

The feeling of a stomach full of only water.

The feeling of satisfaction knowing I had the equivalent of one meal all day and worked it off in the gym before it was consumed.

The feeling of loose clothes and tight muscles.

I want to be a wisp. A faerie. A puff of air. Slender. Thin.

I can do it again.

I need to prove to myself that I'm not so fucking weak-willed.

Today's goals will be met.

Tomorrow's set.

And everything achieved so I can like myself again.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Pffft.

STOP fucking UP, CALLIE.

Jesus.

I am so over myself.

And everything I do to me.

Fuuuuuck meeeee.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Mantra

I am in control of my day.

I am in control of my destiny.

Of my diet.

My decisions.

My dilemmas.

My deficiencies.

My deliberations.

My duties.


I am in control.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Personas

I am caught between two worlds, two desires.

I am a rebel. Artistic, and free, I smoke and swear like a sailor laugh and tell amazing jokes. I inspire. I create. I am dressed in the brightest colors, with the tallest shoes and my blonde hair flowing behind me, a smile vibrantly shining from my face, laughing much too loudly, but those around enjoy it. I am a creature of the night. My knowledge of food and drink is like that of the gods. I perform like a monkey for your coin, but I don't seem to mind. In fact, I enjoy performing because I know I am good at it. I collect things, I am eccentric. I have ideas that should work, but I never act on them. I have had my heart broken, but I turned it to stone. Everyone wants to bed me.

But then, I am sweet and innocent. My blue eyes are much too honest. I wear khakis and cardigans so soft those around want to touch me. I smell of citrus and sunshine. I am reserved and gentle. People tell me their problems because they know I will have the answers. They all confide in me. I know how to fix things, how to cook things, how to think about things in the right way as to not get yourself down and depressed. I am a mother, a nurturer. I am analytical, a scientist who knows a lot about trees and flowers and songbirds for some reason. I am wise beyond my years, and impress those around me with my wit and smarts. Everyone wants to marry me.

I am on a quest to find myself. Merging my personas.

The only thing is that they both want to be successful, beautiful, and thin.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Today is a new day

Slight failure last night... Put yesterday at right around 1,000 cals.

Not horrible, I know, but not up to my standards.

Today's planned eats:
B: Egg white bake - 100 cals
L: Tuna Salad - 100 cals
D: Fruit - 100 cals

LOTS of water... Time to flush what I had yesterday and get my body back on track!

Think thin, ladies!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

No Cal Honey Mustard

0 Calorie "Honey Mustard" sauce
2TB "I can't Believe it's Not Butter" butter spray - 0cals
2TB dijon mustard - 0cals
2TB truvia or splenda - 0cals
Dash of cinnamon

Heat all the ingredients together in a saucepan until warm and blended and sweetener has melted - leave on very low about 4 minutes so the flavors can integrate, stirring occassionally. Voila! I was looking the other day for something to put on carrots, and this was WONDERFUL. Even the hubby liked it, and it's NO CALORIES! I would even let it cool and use it as dressing on a salad, etc. Try it out!

In other skinny news...

My weight read 117lbs this morning... Only 7lbs left until GW #3.

I am so elated.

My eating is SO under control right now... I don't even get hungry.

It may seem like it's all in my head, but when I dip below 120lbs, I feel like I REALLY LOOK thinner...

It seems like my stomach looks flatter and my hip bones show more... With only 3 pounds less.

Alas, though, I'm at work and have to get back to it.

Think thin, ladies.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

FMLeg

I injured my leg, and have been barely able to move...

My weight said 120 all week... I gained and I can't get it down... All I do it sit on the couch.

But I'm shrinking my stomach, I'm training myself to not binge at night again, to restrict, and to be ready once my leg IS healed to get back on the weightloss track.

Physically I'm a wreck, but mentally I can taste the loss... I feel SO inspired... SO ready to drop the weight.

Today's planned eats:
B: Cream of Wheat - 100cals
L: ??? Under 200 cals, probably closer to 100, and mostly meat/veg.
D: Tuna Salad - 100cals

Real life Thinspo, thank you facebook. And thanks for helping me realize today, as I was collecting these, that I used to be the fat friend.























Sunday, September 26, 2010

120!?

I've been doing well lately, and then... Weighed in this morning...

120lbs.

WTF? HOW is that possible???

Mere days ago I was at 116.

And I have been doing fairly well... Not the best, too much mia, but still! NOT 120 bad.

Re-doubling my efforts starting tomorrow.

110 will not elude me.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Sighing

116lbs this morning... Pre-BM.

So far to go, I feel.

250 cals so far today.

150 more planned.

I want it off now... All the weight... I want to feel good about myself.

Monday, September 20, 2010

F-bomb.

Under 500 cals today.

I feel alone.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Regaining Control

100 calorie breakfast - Oatmeal.

100 calorie lunch - Tuna Salad.

100 calorie dinner - half portion of Fajita Salad.

Plenty of room for error, if a stray bite happens to cross my lips.

Sundays are ESPECIALLY tough for me because I work a 12+ hour shift at my job, so I kind of end up picking at whatever I can find when we're busy and eating out of boredom when we're slow.

But, today I've done well, and I know it's because last night I did SO horrible.

Food-wise, I was good until the evening... This is always when my demons arrive.

It doesn't happen every night, but when it does, it's horrible. I get so insanely hungry... I can't get my blood sugar high enough to stop my stomach from aching or my hands from trembling or my mind from jumping to thoughts of food... Horrible.

I end up eating lots of calories before I physically feel better, and then mentally I am a wreck.

This is what happened last night. I mindlessly and blindly ordered pizza. The hubby and I both ate it, and then I went into the bathroom and purged while he was watching TV.

I told myself, "If you eat you have to purge and then you'll have failed. You'll feel bad and icky and depressed."

But I ate anyway. And purged anyway. And felt the exact opposite of bad.

My head was in the toilet, and all way right with the world.

And weirdly, I always think the same thing when I purge... The same line cycles through my head over and over.

"And then... Very neatly... I threw up."

I believe it's a line from a book... One I must have read at a very young age, because this line has been a part of my throwing up (for purging purposes or not) pretty much as long as I can remember.

Weird, no?

It just repeats itself in my head the whole time.

I've been really spacey lately, so it went on for like an hour last night.

Spacey and tired... This is who I've become. So tired. But I can't rest until I'm thin.

I'm starting to feel like I did last year, when the weight started really dropping... Like there's fluff in my brain... Hazy. Tired. Confused.

I'm ready for the weight to start dropping again, no matter how weak I feel.

In other news, I am SO fucking bored in the office right now... And fucking everything is blocked on this damn computer... Only 4 more hours until I can go hoooome.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Blaaah.

I'm doing better lately.

Though I'm fighting the urge to binge and purge right now...

Home alone. Figures.

And, just for the record, America's Next Top Model is reeeeally good this season.

Anna Maria Mirdita.

Online stalk her like I did.

She's so fucking fabulous.

Friday, September 10, 2010

A Touch of Red

I go through phases on here where I have no longing whatsoever to blog.

Does that ever happen to you, ladies?

Lately I just feel like life is SO overwhelming, and when I look at my To-Do list that gets longer and longer every day, I can barely force myself out of bed, much less to blog.

And then the eating... It's so all over the place. Lately good, but what's good anymore? 300 calories? 1,000 calories? I have no structure any longer. I just try not to eat, panic when I do, and pray the scale drops.

The scale reads 117lbs this morning, pre-BM, but I feel like it MUST be lying.

I need to get back on track. I did well yesterday - I planned my day and stuck to it.

However, "plan"ing anything lately seems pointless because I feel defeated.

BUT I WILL NOT GIVE UP.

I will lose this pesky last 10 pounds and then feel fabulous about myself. I don't want to hover around 117 any longer; I'm sick of maintaining it.

I know this post barely makes sense, so I'll leave you with lots of thinspo...

I go through phases where I collect and collect thinspo with a theme or category. I call this collection "A Touch of Red."

Enjoy.