Tuesday, July 21, 2015


The past has been creeping in to haunt me lately. I think it's honestly because of the move. I've been cleaning things out and getting rid of things, and it's not easy or fun to dig up old stuff. Also, peeking in on the EX and the ex-hubby was not a good idea... I just see huge dysfunction and it makes me wonder why I chose such insane people, and if that's what's going on with my current relationship...

The boyfriend and I are good now, but I always worry it will go back to that shitty, toxic time in our relationship. I don't want that ever again.

I need to get into a pattern of taking care of myself, and it has been almost imposible this summer. Between school and money issues and work, I've had ZERO free time, and it's starting to take a toll on me. Even when I do have time for myself, all I end up doing is catching up on sleep. I smoke to decompress, but that's not helping me with any actual issues... It's just a bandaid. I need to get this move over with, get my semester over with, and focus on what I need to be healthy and happy.

I need to get my weight under control. I have managed to stop gaining, (kept off that extra extra 5) but the losing is the issue at the moment. Looking back through photos, I feel disgusting and huge. I don't know why it was so easy before, and why I've let myself go so much these days... I feel revolting and bloated and depressed and unmotivated to change myself because I don't know how to the healthy way, and I don't know where I should even be...

I need this move to be a turning point. I need to improve my diet, get back to the gym, lose about 20 pounds, and stop overworking myself in other areas of my life. I need balance, desperately.

I'm starting to hate myself, and that's not good. I don't want to be there again.