My attitude lately has been garbage. It's because literally everything in the world is garbage, and I can't even rant about it because my pussy ass husband can't handle anything...
It's because I'm so SICK of walking around on eggshells with him. Because it's pointless.
So, now I just say the things. I don't care. He is literally so difficult to live with... He says I have a tone all the time. It's because I know like every single conversation how he's going to be. I know how it's going to end, what he's going to say, how he's going to project stupid shit, and so now I just jump to the end of things, because I don't want the whole exchange, I just call out what I see the ending being, he feels called out, and he acts like shit. In the past two days he's called me "annoying," and "fucking disgusting," and I haven't done shit. So I don't put up with it.
Today I told him if he kept running his mouth, I was going to start recording it so I could play in in custody court and show the judge what kind of environment he's creating for our kid. I saw that one give his pathetic little pea brain a jolt.
Today didn't even have to be like this - we had discussed that everyone was going to be gone today so I could do some things alone at the house. He comes home, and I guess what he WANTS is some great standing ovation. But I recognize that what he's actually doing is giving into his OCD and fucking spying on me to make sure I'm not doing anything "wrong." And I fucking know it... And I don't give a fuck if you spy, because since I am so fucking STRAIGHT EDGE these days, I'll put all my own shit on blast, because it's literally fucking NOTHING, and if you find "something" there to be mad about, you were trying and deserve to feel the suffering you caused yourself while I'm off not giving a fuck...
So I'm not overly welcoming - sorry, you've been out of my sight like 1 hour - I don't even want you here. Then he starts telling me he wants to do specific things today, but he means ME. He kept asking me when I was going to eat, kept asking me for shit, talking to me about stressful dumb shit with his pathetic, useless, terrible job. Like bro, I expected this house to have like a sliver of silence today... So I stop walking on eggshells. I point out I don't give a fuck what he says about my eating, that he's not supposed to be home, that I don't care about his stories, etc. I straight up said, "I was not supposed to have to be interacting with you today, and you come home and try to shift my whole day, and I just wan to sit in my living room alone and eat alone and watch something without anyone." And he got offended. Like, go ahead... It's not that you're annoying (even tho he is); it's that I anticipated silence, so anything more than that is annoying af. I didn't text him once he left. He didn't text me for hours.
Not texting at all is my new approach. Because another method must be developed - he cannot be given the same grace anymore...
I thought he was cooler than this in the past. I never saw all THIS of a man coming...
I thought he was like outgoing, popular, social, funny, adventurous. He truly used to be. When he stopped drinking, I had to trade that outgoing boyfriend for one who's terrified of people. His drinking silenced his OCD. And for a while it was still ok. Like several years. He used to handle it better before COVID. Everything. Now, he's like a brain-fried mess, and he's asked so much of me the past several years that I don't have any patience left for his mental illness. I just see it for what it is and bluntly bash it, and his fragile ego can't handle it. He's tucked himself under a rock for like 5 years, and when I even try to talk about the outside world, he just acts like I need to stop talking, when in reality he's just totally out of touch, like an embarrassing amount.
He's just as exhausting to be with and needy as he ever was as an alcoholic - it's just different things now. And lately I just say no. Like I can't do it - my motivation is nothing. He keeps saying he's going to divorce me, and I feel no panic about that. Not even because I don't think he ever would (even tho that's true), but because I know I would be just fucking fine no matter what.
I feel like I'm not attracted to him like I used to be.
When we're out in public, he will start thinking something I'm doing is embarrassing and start to try to hush me. And trust me, I'm not the socially awkward one... I get paid to socially interact - I've always been good at it and good as smoothing it over if I'm not. He's not that person. It's becoming like ex husband where I'm laughing at a joke so that someone does, but I don't think it's funny. Because no one does.
He used to try a little harder... Now when I'm like "you smell terrible; go shower," or like, "your breath is bad," he just get pissy and defensive about it instead of just going and fixing it. I've said I don't like his beard very long, and he just keeps it long all the time now. It smells funky when it's long, he doesn't keep up with his neck and cheeks when it's long, and when he comes in to kiss me, it's like a fucking tumbleweed in the face, so it's not pleasant. At all. I don't even want to kiss that face with all that beard. If I tell him I dislike his outfit, he blows up. And the other day I was like, "You're dressed like a homeless person and leaving the house with me - like, I'm LITERALLY the person you're supposed to be trying to impress out of ALL the people in the world, and you're not."
I never want sex, and I don't know if that's just him or me. I think I'm honestly a person who only likes physical things if they're with a new person. Fraysexuality. Probably just disordered, but I don't really care.
In the end, we argued again in the evening. I was cooking. He said, "I don't even want to eat." And I was like, "Good. I won't cook." Like, I had barely started, bro... I can put this shit back away and not do all this shit. And he was like, "Well, the biggest kid is coming over..." And I was like, "So? I'm not cooking for one person, especially something I'm not even going to eat. And both of you are grown-ass men and can figure it out. And yesterday he cost me $80 and I'm sending him home with two new pairs of shoes, so fuck it." I put the food away and went to do laundry.
Like, I'm thin, and I really don't give a fuck now.
