MRO call. Fuck. I called the recruiter. Pretty sure it was a mistake. Pretty sure I’m making them over and over because my anxiety is killing me.
I should google more. I hate myself right now. I think no news is good news, but I’m not sure how this will go. I hate myself.
The job still had not called as of this afternoon. I was freaking out. Ham said call them. I did. Waiting on labs. Idk if that’s normal, but the recruiter made it sound like standard things. I keep having a thought my pee wasn’t clean, but I tested it, so I keep talking myself down from that ledge.
I am so excited for this change, but trying to be cautious about it. I can’t wait to get my car and new work clothes and to start making consistent money. I know the job might be challenging, but I also feel capable. It’s weird, but I do feel like a capable person in that domain. I feel like I learn well and stay organized, and I can honestly learn anything if I try to.
My weight is dropping steadily. I've lost a good amount - 25lbs since my surgery when I weighed in today. The last 9 days I only had one bad one. That’s insanely impressive. Right now I’m a little hungry, but it’s easy to go to sleep for dinner, right?
Quitting weed was the secret. I let my card lapse. I haven’t asked for one exception. The job is part of it, but I think it was more just the catalyst for what needed to happen all along. My meds now get to work like they are supposed to. Throw a little caffeine on top, and it’s golden. I feel so much better, just like I thought I would.
I would really like to get to go on a vacation for Christmas. I would really like to be in a body I like at that point.
Working out is the next challenge to tackle. But first we start this new job.
Someone else will get to say those words to me
It should be you, but I guess you couldn’t see
That I waited practically forever, but
Someone else will get to say those words to me
The compliments and flattery are lovely
Sometimes they really do feel so sincere
But then the things I know you’ll take back later
The broken stinging bringing me to tears
Behavior is the thing I can’t stop seeing
My eyes and my ears just somehow don’t agree
I’m never sure where we are in this journey
I’m never sure if you truly long for me
The pushing and the grasping state intention
You want me to pull the trigger in the end
I didn’t want this to be our story
I know that you could never be my friend
This love is meant to be all or nothing
Well burn bright and burst right into flames
I should not have hoped for happy ever after
My life and yours will never be the same
I wonder if all love will hurt this badly
Sometimes it’s what keeps me up at night
I think when this is over I’ll be lonely
But this pain is too deep to unsee the sight
The goal lately has been under 1,000 calories per day. It’s been 5 solid days. I am actually feeling good.
The biggest part is planning. I need things available. I need to like the things. It’s ok if they are ridiculous and random meals - I need them. I need to be ok with them and go to whatever lengths to get them - even if that’s a random grocery order at 8am that’s all yogurts and vegetables and chicken. I need to make a list of things that are ok with me to eat. I need to allow myself whatever makes me feel fueled and good.
I need to keep up not smoking. It’s made a huuuuge difference with my eating. I can tell my meds are working properly now that I’m not.
Idk I hope all this lasts. I hope I get my new job start date soon. I’m scared about it and trying not to be.
I bought a car. I hope I get to keep it.
