Monday, October 31, 2011

The game plan

This week about killed me, but I got through it... Working crazy hours and schedules and partying and going to volunteer activities... My eating and sleep have been fuuuucked up.

Now time for damage control.

If I REALLY restrict and REALLY exercise, I can be much thinner by the time I go to Seattle.

And I need to be. Right now I'm a fat lard ass.

I think I can lose about ten pounds... And I have to be REALLY strict to get there, but I will get there!

Plan today:
B: Water.
L: Tea & Diet pill.
D: Salad at work: 250 cals max.

I'm for real this time, ladies.

Time to stop being a disgusting cow.

Off to work ouuuut!

Think thin.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Upcoming trip and the hubby

Nov 11th: Time to crash diet and work out and tan and all of those things.

I'm going to Seattle to see my 2 best friends!

The hubby is mad that I bought the ticket and didn't have a huge drawn out conversation first.

I'm not really understanding why, honestly, but last night he was half asleep and grumpy as fuck and then this morning I had to MAKE him kiss me before he went to work. AND then he didn't set the alarm for me to get up for work.

I think it's over the money, but I found SUCH a good deal I had to act fast.

I'm kind of pissed that he would act this way.

I don't understand what the big deal is.

I'm annoyed...

In other news, I want to lose as much weight as possible before then. I have a LOT going on the next few days so eating shouldn't be an issue Friday-Sunday.

Now if I can just manage to squeeze in a workout and tanning as I go this week and the ones coming, i should look fab by then time I get to Seattle!

It's crunch time, ladies!

Today's plan:
Work out.
Eat something small.
Finish up costumes for Halloweeeen!

Sounds like a good one.

Think thin, ladies!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Losing and praying for the end of the month

I'm getting thinner. It's noticeable in my stomach and thighs now. My work uniform fits a little looser.

I'm only ONE pound away from my first goal weight, and I should reach that by tomorrow morning if I stick to the plan today.

Now, ladies, I have to start toning up. Gym every day and tanning.

I'm supposed to go see my friends at the end of the month for a football game against on of our college team's big rivals... I want to be thin then. Super thin. Bikini and tan thin with abs, and I don't want to be the fat thin girl in the photos like I was in February when I went to see them.

I NEED this.

Planned eats today:

B: Coffee - 0 cals
L: Oatmeal - 130 cals
D: Lean meat and veggies - 200 cals
S: Fudge pop - 45 cals
Total: 375 cals

Think think, ladies!

Monday, October 10, 2011

A few more to go and intake

New scale... Oh, how I detest your brutal honesty.

I'm doing well again lately. I feel like my drive is back.

Yesterday's intake:
Popcorn - 100 cals
Fudge pop - 90 cals
Chicken and vegs with a few lomein noodles - 300 cals
Herbal tea - 0 cals.
Total: 490 cals.

Today's planned eats:
Coffee - 0 cals.
Salad at work - 150 cals
Steak and veggies - 250 cals
Fudge pop - 45 cals
Total: 445 cals

I want to reach my goal SOON. I've lost all the weight I gained since I was sick and then some, so I'm on track to my first goal of losing those "five" pounds. Which became more like 8 after I caught the flu (which is still holding on, btw).

In a couple days those pounds will be gone, and then on to losing my ten.

I can taste 110lbs. Just in time for Halloween if I do things right.

Well, off to a long ass work day. Think thin ladies.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Loss of weight and loved ones

Weight loss = happeningggg! Thank the baby Jesus.

I got super sick this week with the flu, but now that it's over, I can go back to losing. I feel like I'm in a pretty good spot right now mentally, and for once my body is cooperating.

In other news...

I'm a bit sad today... I had crazy dreams last night (attributing them to being sick) and dreamed about Chevy.

I was in a restaurant with a group of people... All of my friends, family, and they were celebrating something for me. Some accomplishment or a birthday... Not sure what. Everyone was laughing and talking and drinking and socializing, and then his face...

It's so weird how in my dreams it's so clear. His face, his voice, his hands, all just how I remember.

He bursts through the crowd, grabs me and hugs me so tight. He tells me he misses me.

Then I wake up... I lie in bed for a minute, and I think about all the SHIT he put me through, and I wonder why I always think about him and miss him.

I loved him.

I wouldn't say I was in love with him by any means, and I am SO thankful that nothing every happened with us, but it still hurts when you love someone and have to move on from them.

There have only been three people that I've had to do that with in life.

The first one was my ex boyfriend, the second one was my best friend Mark, and the third one was Chevy.

Every time it happened, it hurt me SO much...

My ex was the worst, because I was IN love with him... I think about him occasionally now, and I know it was for the best. He was insane, intense, and not able to be with me like I needed.

He's still single. I know because I look at his facebook on a pretty regular basis. His longest relationship since the girl he cheated on me with was 2 weeks. In 4 years.

Then Mark. God I still miss him. I look at his facebook occasionally, and I wish SO badly that I could be a part of his life again. I don't understand really why we're not friends anymore, why be ditched me from his life, but I suspect it's because he loved me even more than I loved him.

We were always so close... Best friends since the age of twelve. I honestly thought when I was younger that I would marry him. That he would be my great love in life. That we would grow up, get married, and have a family together.

But life doesn't work out that way. For YEARS, one or the other of us was in a relationship. We kept missing each other on the romantic front. But we were best friends. Even when my ex tried to make up stop talking, threatened me, and made me get rid of all of my guy friends, I refused to get rid of Mark. And when my ex dumped me, he was there with open arms, answering my phone calls at 2am and excusing himself from his cuddle session with his girlfriend to comfort and console me.

The last time I saw him, I was dating my hubby, but we were in a rough patch. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him long-term and we were at a make or break time in our relationship. I needed to clear things up with Mark before I made a flying leap into this new relationship.

So my parents coordinated a vacation, I spent days with him, and I finally asked him.

"Cally, you're not the one for me."

Those words hurt a lot more than I thought they would, but I had my answer. He didn't love me like I thought he did, and he told me to move on. So, I did.

Our friendship was still there. He had girlfriend after girlfriend, and I talked him through all of his drama. He was still my best friend, and my hubby accepted that.

When I moved closer to him, I was excited to have our close friendship again. But it didn't work out like that. He avoided me. He never came to visit me and always had a reason why I couldn't come visit him. He never wanted to meet my hubby.

I got engaged. We talked. Things were becoming so strained, and I didn't understand why.

Then those fateful months of wedding planning were the final nail in the coffin. I sent him a wedding invitation and never heard from him again. I called, texted, e-mailed, and never even heard from him if he was coming to my wedding or not.

Needless to say, he didn't. He got engaged less than a year later to a girl he has only known and been dating about 6 months. I don't judge him. I hope with all of my heart their relationship is perfect and everything he ever hoped for.

I just don't understand why he rejected me so suddenly. I gave him the opportunity. I tried to maintain our friendship, but I couldn't do it alone.

My friend Kristy says it's because he's always been in love with me. I believe that deep down. I know our friendship probably wouldn't have lasted forever. But why, when he should have been happy for me, did he reject me? Why couldn't he have been honest if he wanted something more?

Then I meet Chevy. Another wonderful guy friend. Only he's not interested in only being friends. The drama unfolds, and before I know it, I love him, but I can't.

Why does it hurt so much to move on? Why do I think of them on occasion, like a rainy afternoon when I'm home alone and listening to music?

Why do I feel the urge to call them but know that they won't want to talk to me?