Friday, February 27, 2009

Tired

Today was a tad high in the calorie department... Apple juice for breakfast, (110) Little tuna on celery for lunch, (190 - shouldn't have had the mayo!!!) super-healthy wheat/fiber cereal for dinner (200 cereal, 100 milk) and some peaches (75). SO... 675. But the celery is neg cal, and breakfast was just liquid so at LEAST I did that... Eff this. I had plans to do well today, but I'm low on groceries... I mean, if I were a normal person this would be beyond good, but I'm not... And I feel like I had too much.

I think I need to incorporate some calcium somehow into my diet because right now I don't eat hardly any, and if I'm going to be just skin and bones one day, I need to have a strong support system. :-/ Maybe drink milk on occasion? Or Caltrate? I'll have to look into this...

Anyway, I'm going to bed here in a moment because I have a job interview tomorrow evening after I get out of my shit job, and I want to be well-rested because I NEEEEED this better job. Fuck, I hate my current one!

And just so you all know, knowing I can't afford tanning anymore is SERIOUSLY depressing me... I just want that golden glow that hides the flub a bit... I MISS IT!!!



Glow

Let me just first and foremost say that I am addicted to Pandora Radio lately! Effing amazing. I feel like I must have been out of the loop forever or something... I feel like everyone knows about it but me!

But that aside...

I have been doing really well lately. I had a little higher calorie intake yesterday than planned, but it's because I had BREAD for the first time in God knows how long! Augh, and it was AMAZING. I haven't had bread, pasta, any of that shit in SO long.

But I think I was still only around 675 which is not terrible... I just like to be a little lower. But GOD the bread was worth it! Plus net-wise I was only at about 575... And my scale says I'm still doing fab... It's like every few days I notice I've lost another lb or 2. So crazy... I feel absolutely amazing about it...

AND since I have the day off today, I'm going to do about an hour of workout which I haven't been able to do lately because of my fucking knee! I think it's well enough now to risk the workout, so I'm going to. Plus, today I'm going to do an all fruit/veggie/raw day. And drink loads of waterrr! But, I think for breakfast I'm going to have just apple juice because I have been having BM problems a bit, and I heard somewhere that apple juice is a good natural thing you can do to get back on track and not as harsh as lax's which we all despise/love so much... So I'll just do a juice breakfast today...

Oh my god... So I was just looking around online to find out tanning in this town, and fuck me, there is NOTHING. I mean it. There are two actual, legit, good tanning chains, and I did the math and to go as often as I want and do as much as I want, both of them are over $100 a month. FUCK me! What kind of hell hole have I moved to!? This is insane. I paid $45 in my last town and that was pricey and I had FULL access. FUUUCKKK! Augh this is pissing me off... I did find a dinky salon though that has a basic bed and standup for only $2.50 a tan... Shit. I can't afford to be tan here!?!? This is NOT acceptable.

Maybe if I get this schnazzy job and start raking in the bucks I can get the $99.95 a month tanning package at a good place... Until then I might go to the dinky place 2/3x a week and then maybe a good place for an individual, high-pressure tan like once every couple weeks... We'll see... This is the shittiest thing... I can't even believe it... I wish to GOD there was a Planet Beach here!

Listen to this post... I'm a tanning addict, ana... I'm a bad kid.

Well, until next time, ladies, remember to eat like birds.



Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Purging

Wow... The BF passes out on the couch like clockwork lately, and I get on here to blog.

SO, today I binged and purged, like I had been thinking about, and I can honestly say I will NEVER do it again. It sucked. First, I was walking around the grocery store (to buy apples, grapefruit, toilet paper, etc.) and next thing I knew I was in the fucking BAKERY. And everything just smelled so GOOD. Oh man, and I was hungry because at that point in the day I'd only had an apple. (70 neg cals!) and had run my ass around at work for a LONG day today. SO, I caved. I thought, "I'll just buy something small, eat it when I get home, wait about 10 mins and puke it up. Easy as pie." So I bought DONUTS. Fucking DONUTS. And I came home and had 3 donuts and 2 glasses of milk. Which btw, is like 1,050 calories. That's like 2 days for me!!! So I scarfed them down, and I immediately felt like shit. It was a LOT of food in my tummy, and a fuck-ton of sugar and way too much milk. So, I started to feel nauseous and then I started panicking about the calories. Like woah, super-bad panicking. And I didn't wait long enough to purge. But man, did I purge. I heaved over and over and over, and it HURT. Normally I have a system to my purging... I eat, drink a lot of liquid, wait 10-15 mins and then I purge and normally it all comes up in a couple times, but I was heaving like crazy and only getting a little each time. So the panic increased until I was practically crying while I heaved. Then when I felt satisfied that I had thrown it all up, I laid down on the couch and passed out from exhaustion and stress... It was awful. And one of the worst parts was that the whole time I was walking around the bakery, I felt GUILTY as FUCK. Like, I was looking around like I was stealing or something! I felt like shit...

SO never again. Purging is not a planned event any longer, just for emergencies. And only done properly. FUCK it. Ana is the way to go, fo sho.

On a side note... I bought some low-cal sauce stuff today for the chicken I made for me and the BF, and I think I'm allergic to something in it... I've never had any kind of food allergy, but after dinner, I was sitting on the couch, and my upper lip started burning. So, I put on some cooling lip gloss stuff I have, and it felt a little better, but it was tingling and burning, and my lips swelled. And my chin and nose were itchy and my cheeks and chin swelled... Ugh I still heel weird, but it's subsiding.

Augh so a shit day... I only had chicken and zucchini for dinner and an apple for breakfast, and I threw up the sugary shit. So consumption-wise I did good today... And I learned a lesson...

God, I feel like shit.

Some side views, because I'm obsessed with my side profile lately... The BF said my butt was shriking, and I hope it still looks okay... I've always liked my butt, and I don't want a flat one... Augh. I'm gonna go look at it. Ha ha!



Half Way to the First Stop

So I stepped onto the scale this morning, and I was SHOCKED. Absolutely, totally, completely, and utterly shocked... I've lots TEN pounds since the 16th... So in 9 days. That's like a pound a day... Except today hasn't completely gone, and I didn't weight myself until the 17th for the 1st time, so it's more like 7/8 days... Woooooah.

And it's kind of scary because I don't know why it's coming off so fast... (I mean, besides the obvious that I eat barely anything, take diet pills, drink tone of water, work out more, etc, etc...) But at the same time, it's so thrilling because I'm actually noticing a physical difference, and I know it's not just water weight. (Namely because I started this whole ana/mia thing before I bought the scale and I'm pretty sure the WW was all coming off that week.)

This means I'm 10lbs away from GW#1. I'm freaking HALF way there.

But I know I have soo much more to go...

But yesterday the BF started getting all frisky, and I kind of had a panic attack, and then I told myself, "He's been having sex with me for 2 years, and he's seen me at my heaviest, so just enjoy it, you lost weight." Which was hard because I am still really insecure...

I just want to feel sexy in my bra and panties...



Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Blahhh.

SO today was better than yesterday... I managed to stay under 500 cals, (including about 135 of neg cals) and I wasn't even hungry... And no purging today.

But god, I feel all alone with this sometimes... Especially because I have to hide it from my BF and since we moved, he's basically my only friend.

BUT...

I got a call about a jooob! Not a real, grown-up job like I was hoping for, but a better job than the one I have. My interview is Saturday, so wish me luck! I'm excited. I filled out an application for bartending or serving, so here's hoping it's bartending.

But honestly I'm not in the mood to blog right now... I'm kinda pissy.

And I'm contemplating if I'm going to let myself have a purge day tomorrow... We'll see how tomorrow goes, I guess...

To purge, or not to purge???

Monday, February 23, 2009

Nightmares of All Kinds

So today was not so fun... I fucked up my knee somehow (possibly related to my ankle injury earlier this week???) so I can't work out... I can barely walk. I have no idea how tomorrow at work is going to go. Fuck.

But anyway... I think I'm going to purge on Wednesday... And it's kind of sick that I'm planning this, but honestly I haven't eaten anything that I like in about a week except for the macaroni. Everything I eat is neg cal, low-fat, no toppings, barely any calories... Ugh. And I BARELY eat. And I'm so sick of not eating... But I cannot bring myself to eat because I am NOT going to be fat. So I'm going to. And I know this is totally the sucker's way out, but maybe if I just let myself purge once in a while, it'll be easier to restrict the other days because I can look forward to my purging meal.

But that aside...

I keep having the weirdest dreams lately... First the other night I had a dream that I was throwing up and that at first it was black and icky like tar, and then the more I threw up the better it got until it was water I was throwing up, and I got happier and happier as I puked. And then last night I dreamed the BF and I were staying with my mom (I always over-indulge at her house) and that I was just absolutely stuffing my face, and then I got scared and not just wanted, but NEEDED to purge and I could not get into the bathroom because everyone was in there. I was panicking thinking about any of those calories being absorbed... Needless to say the dreams are not enjoyable. And I keep having dreams about eating donuts of all things... So effing weird.

But anyway, today was VERY tough. I did okay, but not as good as I had planned. Which makes me feel shitttyyyy. I was just REALLY hungry all day... So hungry I took a nap to curb it. And then after dinner I purged. Ugh, I hate that I don't have enough self-control sometimes... I didn't even go over by that much. I was WELL under what an average "dieting" person eats in a day... But I felt like it was too much, and had that panic attack that only purging can fix.

I've noticed as long as I stay under 600 I'm EXTREMELY happy with my day. And if I go over that, it CANNOT be more than 1,000 with the difference being neg cal foods... Which was today, so it's ok, but not great.

Speaking of neg cal, I don't know if I'm actually supposed to even count them??? I do, but I was reading an article online that said that you don't have to? I keep it extremely low anyway...

But anyway, here's some thinspo. Bikini themes because I almost tried on my bikini today, but then I realized it wasn't going to improve my mood. Ha!

<3 you ladies!



Sunday, February 22, 2009

Go, Shawty. It's MY Birthday!

Hello loves!

So today is my birthday! (Thank you, Lolly for the wishes!!!)

I'm 22 years old. Fuck, I'm old now. Where the hell have the past 3 years gone??? Seems like just a month ago I was 19 and dating my ex and beginning my life away from my parents... My, how the past few years have played out SO much differently than I had envisioned...

I thought I'd be super skinny by now, for one thing...

I did good today though! And trust me, it was hard because I kept wanting to be like "Oh, it's my birthday; I can eat what I want..." But I resisted! Only about 15 cals at breakfast, 100 at lunch, and then 400ish at dinner (including a WONDERFUL glass of wine... Mmmm...) and I had 2 hershey kisses (cuz it's my b-day) at 44 cals.

So, 560ish. Not baaad!

But I feel like I'm losing weight kind of fast right now, and I'm scared it might be really bad??? I don't even know... I've lost 6lbs in 6 days. Is that too much? What's too much? What's not enough? I know according to my health class, you're not supposed to lose more than 2-3 lbs a week because "It's more easily re-gained." But what if you just never eat enough cals to regain? And how bad would it get for me to regain? I have no answers because I can't exactly talk to someone about this because I'm not exactly healthy about my weight loss...

But the loss is making me happy. :-)

The BF, ALL DAY today, kept saying stuff like, "You look thinner babe!" "You're lookin' good, babe! I mean, you've always been beautiful, and I've always loved how you look, but you're looking great." "You're doing so well!" "You have so much self-control lately." "I'm so proud of you." etc, etc! I don't know if he was showering me with these statements because its my birthday or because I'm actually starting to look better... He's always said that I don't have much self-control (I don't for the most part) and I know that's always kind of bothered him because he has a lot of control...

I don't think he realizes how ana I am lately. As long as he sees me consume something he's okay, but I don't think he realizes how little I'm actually consuming... I basically only eat dinner.

But GOD do I want to purge soon... I may need to allow myself to do that every once in a while... Maybe like once a week...

We went to the grocery store to see what I could maybe eat for dessert, (I ended up not buying anything and eating the kisses that the BF had) and while we were walking around I was like FUCK. I want to eat so much food that I just can't... I was contemplating just going in on Wed when the BF's at work and buying whatever I want and then purging.

And now that I'm thinking about it, I know I'm more likely to actually do it... The last time I did this, I thought about it for like 3 days and then ordered Chinese (spent like $20) and then threw it aaall up. It was glorious in the moment though...

Fuck.

I really don't want to be mia. I've been good lately, and I'm scared the BF will find me out... I'm honestly terrified he'll find my blog... We share a computer, and I clear the history and everything, but today when I was in the shower, he said something about looking up where the restaurant was, and I had this seizing panic attack that I might not have cleared everything (I knew I had though) and that he would find it. I called his name to tell me what time it was and everything. It's hard to hide writing in here too because we're always together. Lately I have to wait until he falls asleep on the couch and I make SURE he's passed out so I can actually write. And I do it before he gets home. (We live together, if you haven't pieced this together by now.)

But anyway, my birthday was lovely. We cuddled all morning (we both had off work and do tomorrow as well!) and then sat around and watched TV and just acted lazy and in love. It was lovely. And a million people called me to wish me happy birthday! And then a delicious dinner out... It was so nice.

Buuut anyway, some thinspo of the opposite nature today (birthday themed of course). SUPER gross.


Ew, huh?




Just keep chanting it... No, no, no, no, no!

PS. I just realized when I went back to see when I bought my scale (because that's when I began weighing and noticing I've lost 6lbs in 6 days) that I did not do my hollywood flush yet... Maybe I'll hold onto it and wait until I need a weight-loss boost. (Like maybe once I flatline or something... Or before D&R come to visit in April.)

Saturday, February 21, 2009

"Yeah, Pudgy!"

WOW.

When I said the ballet would be thinspo, I had NO IDEA how much. The lead was Marianna Chemalina, and she was the thinnest girl I think I've ever seen in person who wasn't dying. She was absolutely gorgeous and so light and tiny and graceful. *sigh* She was a beauty. Here she is!


Look at those arms! Augh, so jealous.

BUT there was also this ballerina who was kind of hefty, and the BF was making fun of her the whole time. I mean, she was pudgy. You could see a muffin top over the top of her tutu. But he was kind of mean... Like at the end when they came out to take their bows, he actually said, "Yay, pudgy!" while he was clapping.

So TALK about thinspo...

And then when I came home, I wanted a cookie SO bad. Like fuck. So I chewed on one and spit it out so I could just get the texture/taste for a sec. Worked to curb the craving. I was talking to the BF before I did it, and he was all, "Yeah go ahead whatever. Maybe it'll help."

And yeah, it helped. But if he knew how many calories I'm ACTUALLY consuming he'd probably be shoving them down my throat... Because he said something about how I'm eating 1200 cals a day.

HA! Maybe half that.

Tomorrow is my birthday though, and I have to pick out a restaurant that we can go to so that I can actually eat something, so I'm going to go find somewhere in our new town.

Augh I want to get DRUNK, but I don't know what I can have for few cals... Research time, ladies!

Much love to all of you! Thanks for the comments/follows lately!

Ballet

SO last night was rough.

I consumed waaay more calories than I intended. I almost purged, but the BF has been watching me like a hawk lately since he knows about my past purging history and that I'm "dieting" again and he's noticed I'm starting to lose weight.

Speaking of which, two more pounds gone! Hoorah!

But anyway, I ate some macaroni and cheese. Fuckkk. It was so good and before I knew it I was in cheeseville and leaving Ana far behind. Fuck. It makes me mad to think about it...

I wanted to purge SO bad, but he keeps asking and asking and checking lately. I don't think he's really on to me, per say, I just think he knows how I am and doen't want me to mia here... And he told me he's been standing at the bathroom door and listening lately. To which I thought, "Thanks for the heads up."

But anyway, I have to do better today...

So far I'm doing okay, only about 100 cals so far, and I'm about to eat lunch of about 250 (maybe less if I control portion like woah, which Ima try to do.) And then dinner should be about 200 if I manage to make the BF let me eat what I need to and not more. So a 550 day. NOT bad. Hopefully this will be stuck to.

And, I don't have to work tomorrow, bitchesss! I managed to get my birthday off after all AND Monday, so I can enjoy a couple days off with the BF. Soo nice.

I think we may go out to dinner, which would not bother me because I only have shit to eat in this house, and I could use a nice salad or something.

AND tonight we're going to the ballet as my birthday present! He got me tickets to see "Cinderella" and I am soo excited!

Talk about thinspo, too. Ha ha! Skinny bodies throwing themselves around on stage all night? What could be more inspirational!?

So I'm going to go eat and take a nap maybe cuz I'm really cold.

Good luck, ladies!




Friday, February 20, 2009

Sacrifice for Sarah

No cookies. I did good, and now I'm gonna clean the house, work out, and shower. I was looking at myself in the mirror earlier, and I'm starting to notice a small difference.

I need to work out more, though because it hasn't been enough lately.

Some thinspo. My BF has a slight crush on Sarah Chalke. I wish I looked like her...



I'm a Hustla, Baby

Time to bake cookies, folks. Wish me luck. I kept the car this morning so I could drive them to the BF's office and not eat any myself. And I told him I'd keep some here for just him.

I have the will-power not to eat them. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!!! Plus this video...
Ewww.

Cookies!?

I did good today... I'm still working, but it's a process. No mia today which was a nice change. Though the BF randomly was all, "Were you just throwing up in the bathroom!?" When I actually wasn't. Ironyyy.

So I have tomorrow off. And the BF wants me to make him cookies. To which I say FUCK. Because I LOOOVE to bake, especially for him, but if I do that there will be SO much left over sitting around tempting me... Maybe I can bring them into his work and make him leave them there... Then he and the chub girl he works with can eat them.

Know what, I can resist them, dammit! I can do this too, dammit! I've been doing good lately.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Life's Too Short to be Trapped in a Body You Hate

I want to be free.

3 Down 17 to Go

I lost 3 pounds! How wonderful is that!? Only 17 more to go to GW #1!
Lately my meals have been:
B: Apple or grapefruit because they're neg cal.
L: Little soup or some veggies (smallll portion)
D: Mia whetever me and the BF eat.
I just want to work on dinner so I don't have to do this anymore...

So Sunday is my 22nd birthday, and I have to work. I requested off and got Friday off instead, which is a WASTE of my time. But in all honesty, Sunday's our busiest day because we do brunch, and I desperately need the money. I hate that the BF supports both of us these days...

But GOD, I hate my job. Yesterday it was reeeally slow and I was just kind of sitting around all day. Oh and these two girls came in and one was a BIG girl. I mean, I don't have anything against fat people (my mom is overweight) but she was YOUNG and big. And there are a lot of people like that here... It's honestly depressing because she could easily lose weight if she tried, you know? At that age, nothing's stopping you except yourself... But anyway, the big girl ordered a Triple-Decked Club and fries. Now, if I were her size, I would not have ordered ANYTHING with the word "triple" in it. Fuck no. And fries!? What a waste of energy/time/calories/life. Just ew. So, she ate half her sandwich and half her fries and got a box. So I took care of them, did my server thing, and then after they left I was sitting there doing some math... Our triple decker has over 1,000 calories. And our fries??? Like 650. So if you ate half of each, that's still 825 calories. For ONE meal. That is grotesque.

Anyway, here's a list of foods that are neg calories that I'm stickin' to lately!

Fruits:
Apple
Grapefruit
Mango
Orange
Pineapple
Strawberries

Vegetables:
Broccoli
Cabbage (raw)
Carrot
Cauliflower
Celery
Cucumber
Lettuce
Radishes
Spinach

Well I have to go to my dreadful job.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Eyeliner

So I have to go to work soon here, but I thought I'd post a quickie.

I've been doing waaay better the past couple days. However, yesterday I had a break down (I think it's because my period came this morning and I am always SO hungry the day before... No excuses though. I'm also a pig.) but I managed to handle it. Soaking in the bathtub has become a nightly ritual for some mia time.

The hydroxycut is fab too. It boosts my energy, for sure, so I can still function properly and think rationally. And I've been weighing myself ridiculously. I am flat-lining which is pissing me off, but I have a feeling it's because of my period... I always put on like 5lbs of water weight right before it starts and look like shit for a couple days. Augh. Getting dressed yesterday was a nightmare because I haven't done laundry in what seems like years, and I didn't have any clean winter clothes... So I looked terrible.

The BF said the other day that I looked "thinner." Which was faaab. Because I think I am too... And I mean it's not cutting it still because I'm still fat... GW is a long way off, and the next day he said something about how I'm still a "little bit chubby" but I've been doing well lately. Which is totally fucking true right now. Both parts. He thinks I've been working out more, which I have, but not as much as I pretend. And then last night he was saying something when he was drunk (I didn't drink with him... too many empty calories. Fuck that.) about how he doesn't want me to throw up what I eat. Blah, blah blah. And I hate having to tell him I'm not... I hate lying to him, but he wouldn't understand. He's a fucking toothpick no matter what he eats. And when I'm skinnier and sexier he'll be happier and so will I. But I need to stop the mia every night. My throat is scratchy lately and I don't want to have problems here. Purging sucks anyway. I need more ana, less mia.

And now I gotta go to my stupid fucking job with disgusting food all around... Here's some Avril because I just love her. And because this morning I realized how much my life depends on eyeliner, and she pulls it off so well.




PS. FUCK my internet. It never fucking works lately!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Skinny Jeans on the Horizon

Auuugh. I haaaate my job. A lot. Why the fuck do I have a job where all I do is stare at food all day??? And not even good food. SHIT food. It's disgusting, and I hate it so much. Especially when it's constantly being offered to me.

Today I went to McDonalds to get the BF breakfast, and I got a coffee, but it was DISGUSTING. Not recommended, and I wasted $3 and time... Not to mention I had to find a backup breakfast.
Not that I should drink coffee anyway because when I do and don't eat (ahem) then it makes my stomach bleed...

So after work today I went to Wal-mart and bought a scale, some hydroxycut, and the hollywood miracle diet, which I will be starting tomorrow... We'll see how it all goes.

Whoop!

I also bought an on-clearance valentines robe and nightgown which are SO freakin cute... Gotta love Wal-mart. But GOD am I a fat cow right now... I tried on some clothes because everything was on clearance, and I am not the size I used to be, that's for sure.

My GW is to lose 20lbs right now. (We won't discus the actual number because it's hideous, even with the 20lbs gone.) Today has been one of the easiest days so far... I've managed to consume only half a bagel (I know... I should have had fruit or something, but I was in a hurry to get to work after the damn coffee, and I didn't know what to do) and some veggies at work.

However, dinner with the BF might be tricky... Might mia that one... We'll see.

I don't want him getting suspicious, and the other day to hide it all, I turned on the bathtub to run hot water and the shower radio, but I still wretched so hard, it was like someone clapped... And I had to flush the toilet like 3 times... I was sure he was going to say something, but he didn't... Hopefully he won't.

I need to down my calories even more and start working out more time a day... I need soups for lunch... I bought some lettuce today, but I hate it plain and dressing has so many calories, fuck that... I need some fruit too for breakfasts. I'm down to hardly anything...

Shopping soon, for sure! After my Hollywood detox tomorrow and Wed.

I gotta go though... Shower time before I go get him from work.

Skinny jeans! Because I saw a girl in Wal-mart who should NOT have been wearing them.... They're called skinny because you should only wear them when you're skinny, bitch.

No one can pull them off like this fabulous lady! She's inspiration... Remember when she was fat?

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Oh, Audrey.

I'll make this quick.

I made a bracelet... Rusty red with a red and brown bead. Very inconspicuous but still pretty.

The past two days at work have been brutal. But I'm rakin' in the cash... Over 100 each day. But I fucked up my ankle somehow... So no cardio for a few days...

I'm working on techniques for not feeling hungry and for ignoring it, but it's tough some days. And yestersay I ate a lot for dinner... Ugh. I mean, it was Valentines Day... WTF was I supposed to do?

Today was reeeally rough especially since Aaron wanted to go buy discounted valentines Chocolate.
Not my idea of fun or smart.

So I had like 4 strawberries for breakfast, a muffin at work and some food when I came home (and chocolate) that I threw up.

And I'm avoiding dinner. I don't want any and I'm not feeling hungry today as bad as yesterday, thank God. Yesterday SUCKED.

BUT, some old-school thinspiration today... I was watching "Two for the Road" with Audrey Hepburn while rolling silverware at work today. She is so thin and fabulous.



Friday, February 13, 2009

Day One

Day one... WELLL... This is going to be a skill to master. I'm not talking the blog... That's pie. I'm talking CONTROL. I have so very little self-control. I've always been this way too... But alas! This attempt shall not fail, dammit!

SO today I skipped out on work. I hate that shit job anyway. I was a REAL grownup job. What's the point of going to college if I can't get a job I like anyway? I mean, FUCK.
But anyway, last night I just could NOT sleep. My stomach was hurting and I just felt like shit, and I was so fucking AWAKE. My brain just would not shut off. So I didn't sleep well at ALL. I only got like 3 hours when the alarm went off for Aaron to get up. I called the boss-man at around 8:15 and asked it they could manage without me. Which won't be hard. It doesn't take anyone to manage NOTHING. And I'm pretty sure there were 3 of us working today which is a total waste of my time and parking money. SO a nice little day off to laze around the house.

Which is EXACTLY what I did. But I ordered Chinese food which was bad... A waste of money first of all because I knew what I was going to do with it... Yep. Oh, mia...

I'm trying to make a weightloss picture to put on the fridge... on mvm.com IT's taking fucking forever though.
I need a goal of what I can look like. I mean, I know what I looked like years ago, but that was before the boobs arrived.

I am also going to make a bracelettt! Probably a white or black one... We'll see. Somethign with a charm or bead. Not red though because I don't want to be one of those obvious freaks who do it for attention and not because they actually want results.

I'm achey right now, like woah damn. I found a couple free online workout videos, and I did the cardio one today:

Windsor Pilates
Cardio

The Cardio one will kick your ass and make you sweat and breathe super-heavy. That girl is freakin full of energy. And the windsor one made my muscles so sore last time... I think I'm going to rotate them every day along with my Crunchles Abs video, because that's my most problem area.

Fuck this internet! It keeps fucking up!

Augh I need a shower... I read somewhere that showering suppresses appetite because the hot water or something... And it makes you aware of your naked body. Ha!

Anyway, I'm gonna work on the tummy, tummy, tummy! I want tone and thinness and sexiness. I want to look good naked and not worry about not looking good.

Some thinspo... I want a flat tummy!