Monday, October 26, 2015

Adam vs. Beard

I need him out of my head...

I avoid work so that I can avoid him, because I like him and want to see him, but I don't want that...

It works for a while, and I start to feel stable, but then I'm so broke I have to go back. I work three days in a row which hasn't happened in a while and won't again for a while. He works all three of them with me.

He's all over me.

He lingers, waits outside for me, touches me, smacks my ass with a linen, talks about anal. I tease, make eye contact, stick my ass out, and let parts of me touch him when he's close. We're both enjoying the little moments of intimacy, and I know it. I find myself wishing they were more and thinking about the morning we spent in bed with his fingers running up and down my spine while he kissed the back of my neck over and over.

He hugs me for so long that I start to laugh. He wants to hang out, and I know it. I blow it off and text him later. He blows off my text.

Cat and mouse sucks. We're both fighting for the upper hand, and neither one of us wants to let the other one know we actually fucking like them or give one single fuck about them.

I get home all mentally fucked up and throw a tantrum over what I'm greeted with. Stop drinking, fighting with your ex, and buying me the wrong flowers. I'm tired of Adam looking like a good option because the idiot hanging around for almost 4 years can't get his shit together.

I chug some alcohol, skip dinner, and contemplate sending him half naked photos, but I don't have any that don't make me look like a whale, and I decide having the upper hand in this in the long run is better than immediate attention. 

I go to bed alone, and somehow that's ok... Actually, I wish I were more alone and that the boyfriend and the kids were not even in my little apartment. I wish no one had access to my life for just one single day. I wake up annoyed, and I know I'm mean this morning, but I can't find it within myself to care. I don't know what I want anymore, but I definitely don't want a noisy house and extra responsibility when I'm already stretched so very thin.

Right now, no one and nothing seems like a good option. I'm starting to feel smothered and like I just want to run very very far away from everyone who needs or wants something from me. Mexico cannot come soon enough, and even if Lolly never pays me back I still want to go with her and do whatever in the fuck I want to for a week and not even be able to be bothered by my normal life.

Monday, October 19, 2015


I'm annoyed.

My mother is so close-minded she doesn't understand life sometimes. It's hard for me to even talk to her, and when I ask her to drop things, she just DOESN'T. It makes me avoid her...

Lolly is avoiding me, and I don't know why... We're having some kind of an issue, and I think she's annoyed that I don't have time for her. But I just don't. I can't really do anything about it either. I know we will fix this, but something is up, and I don't like it...

And the boyfriend is making me feel superrrr lonely. I asked him to come to bed last night, and he wouldn't. Today he worked longer than he was supposed to, and I asked him if he was closing, assuming he'd know I wanted him home. However, he called me to say that even though he's not closing and that he's getting off, that he's going to hang out with a friend before he comes home. Ok cool, so I'm not a priority... Gotcha.

I spent the entire sex session last night feeling preoccupied and distracted. I don't get enough affection, and he doesn't seem to get it still. I feel myself diving back into unhappiness, and I don't like it.

I'm going to bed at midnight. Cinderella doesn't need this shit.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Boys on the brain

Heath emailed me.

I went back over my blog entries to see if I had ever written about him, but I discovered that the 6 months that I was single warranted zero blog entries... No wonder I was such a mess.

"I'm reaching out because oddly enough, I do think about you a lot. If I wasn't in the situation I was in, I would have pursued everything I could to have been with you. I hate that it happened like that. I'm really sorry."

Then last night, his pregnant fiance e-mailed me.

I hate men.

Especially Pauly, because I hate that I can't hate him.

He slinks up behind me and hugs me. It's such a good hug, with his arm over my chest and his whole body up against mine. It's not the usual back-slapping bro hug he gives people. He wasn't fucking around. He was being intimate. It's the kind of hug that make people ask what's going on with you two.

It was nice because we've been so strained lately. It was extremely comforting and somewhat of a relief. Reassuring. I have been feeling like the biggest idiot and so insecure around him concerning this whole situation... Like I didn't mean anything at all to him. Like he used me and didn't like me. But, you don't hug people like that that you don't like... It was a special moment, but I quickly retreated because I couldn't handle the intensity of emotions that suddenly welled up inside of me.

I just want more and more hugs like that... And then in my crazy quest for attention and hating that I want more hugs, I try to make him jealous.

I mention that a dude left his business card and room key on the table (not sure if it was intentional, but it was there...) just to see how he would react. I thought he might react like Ian did and joke with me about it, or possibly get annoyed... He got upset. He turned and walked away immediately with a minimal reaction. Then he sees Craig hug me while I'm laughing from across the room, and he looks annoyed.

I want him to be jealous. I want him to feel rejected. I want him to feel all the things he made me feel.

But, more than anything, I want him to attempt again. The same way they all do eventually. The same way Heath just did and Bird and Gerard and Bogs and Scott and all the dudes that I have ever hooked up with... They all attempt again, at least once or until I say no.

Me, though. I want to say no. I want to point out his issues and how it wasn't handled properly and how he had a chance and blew it, and that I don't owe him anything.

And I want to stop feeling butterflies.

I'm very mad at myself for being in this position. For caring about him. For being proocupied by this and having an actual emotional response to him... I want to focus on the boyfriend. And I have been, but not 100%. It's just impossible right now, as much as I'd love him to give it all back over to him. I don't have a lot of faith in him, as much as I want to.

I know I care about Pauly because I get annoyed when he pays attention to Lolly. And that she seems to fucking revel in it. I mean, who doesn't enjoy attention? But, you just don't do that... I already fucked him; stay away. I would be so furious if they ever even touched, because it would ruin my friendship with her and also it would make what happened with me and him cheap.

And I don't think it was. I honestly think he likes me, but he doesn't know how to handle it. He doesn't know how to fight for it. He doesn't know how to handle anything in his life, honestly. The boy doesn't have a lot going for him...

But I meant what I said when I drunk texted him. I don't regret things. I like what happened. I wish it would have been different, but I also understand. But he does have a piece of my heart.

I just wish that piece would stop beating so quickly when he's around.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

The game

It's all just a big fat game now, isn't it? That's ok, though. I can play it better, guaranteed.

He wants attention on his terms only, and I find satisfaction in denying it to him. He makes a passive aggressive comment as he walks away as an attempt to make me feel stupid. It doesn't, and I know it was said because HE felt stupid. He wanted closeness and a hug, and I could feel it and instead didn't even make eye contact. 

Fuck you.

Thanks for wishing me a nice day. I would return the favor, but there have been so many times when I texted you nice shit and you didn't respond. I deleted your number, and I have no intention of ever texting you first again. I tried. And the fact that you texted me back today a million hours later doesn't fix anything.

But it definitely makes me feel better. I removed emotion, so now it's just all about the game.

And today, I won.

Emptying my head

It's bothering me, and I don't know why. I wish it wasn't.

I lie to Ee and tell him that it doesn't, but it does. I try to convince myself it doesn't bother me because I feel that's better somehow, but perhaps lying to myself is not the best way to handle this. And it's not like I don't really know anyway...

I just don't want to seem whiny or like a pathetic little fucking girl who's butt-heart over a guy of his caliber. I know I need to move on for my own sake and for the sake of not looking like a fucking idiot in regards to not only Pauly, but also the boyfriend. I know he's sketchy and we're not compatible, and he's a loser... But it still stings a bit to be rejected, no matter what the reason. Especially because he didn't even get to truly know me before he rejected me.

But, then, maybe that's why...

I just wish I could stop dreaming about him... I want him to disappear, but I know that won't happen. I mean, I don't KNOW... Actually all of them have in the past. They have all disappeared from my daily life.

Crazy, now that I stop to contemplate that.

Jay and D left and then Gerard and Bird were swept away when Timp closed. Bogs and I separated when I got fired, and then he moved away.

But, his departure is not likely. He's worked there forever, and I don't plan on leaving, so... The best I can hope for is to endure my mistake until I'm gone... 2.5 more semesters won't kill me, right? That's just most of a year.

The good news is I'm doing fantastic with my loverboy.

I needed a revitalization of our relationship. I got it. I'm praying Laura doesn't give me cruise money so that I can take him instead. I had a blast today, and he's being more appreciative, affectionate, loving... I hope this one sticks. The other night made me so hopeful that it will. Our fight just melted away, and we enjoyed each other.

We had stopped doing that for a while... Enjoying each other. Actually, I think the only thing I've been truly enjoying since January is school because I have been forced to spend so much mental energy there. I didn't have time to enjoy anything, and I was trying to balance everything.

Suddenly, I'm not trying to balance. Balance and order have formed on their own. We've all adjusted to my being in grad school - me, the bf, the kids, my parents, my co-workers, my friends... Feels like it took forever, but I think we have all finally adjusted.

I know I have, and it feels fantastic. I no longer stress endlessly about how much I have to do to the point where it's debilitating. I just do what I need to do, ignore things I cannot control, and truly process things that need to be processed.

I'm just living. Enjoying things, drinking, smoking, going out with friends, trusting, loving... Not worrying and stressing and being a bitch.

I love how it feels.

Now I just need my outsides to match my insides. 70 days until my cruise. I can lose a lot by then, but I absolutely have to get started... Think thin.