Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Horrified and bored

I've been good lately. 

Not feeling good, but acting good. It's been a long time since I behaved myself. Over two years. It's boring and horrifying.

I'm scared that the past couple months will wear off. That his behavior will go back to what it was before. That he will become that old person he was before, but I will be reinvested and devastated worse than ever. 

When I think about the past I get angry. I don't know why he had to put me through that. Put us through that. I would have been good from day one if he had been. But he wasn't. And so I did what I wanted to do as well. He stepped on me so I dug a knife into his back. 

I don't know how to move on from the past, though. Any time I feel badly or suspect he's acting bad or think about how he acted in the past, I immediately want to rush to my backup person. I have always had one... 

Right now I don't because I basically cut all ties. But not really. I know he would still be available if I wanted. Even though I don't have his phone number, I have ways to get in touch with him. If I want another backup I know I can always find another one too... Not just Bogs. 

But I've been trying to just trust the man I love. Believe he loves me and only me.  Relieve he wants me and only me. It's difficult and makes me angry. I thought time would heal this, but it hasn't. 

It's difficult to restart a relationship that was once working so poorly. Even though he's finally doing everything he promised me, I just wonder how long it will last and if I made the right decision by letting him back into my life. 

I'm horrified. And slightly bored. 

Monday, April 7, 2014


I didn't eat yesterday. 

Not a bite. I came home after 11 hours at work with no break feeling like I wanted to die, drank a beer, threw it up and went to bed to have awful nightmares all night. My body was so resistant to the lack of food it made me realize it's been a long time since I had a day like that... I think it's time for them to be a lot more frequent. They make me feel insane and sane at the same time. 

I realized today that I'm crazy. It was surprising to realize, and I don't know why. 

It's a miracle my family and friends can put up with me. I'm sure they all see it. Everyone always sees that bright flame of insanity in a person. Some like to look away. Some like to draw closer like a moth to a flame. Some recognize their own brand of insanity in another and some recognize that while it's another brand, it's still insanity. Some don't see it for what it is and simply don't understand.

I don't know how I got this way is the thing... When did I go crazy? Was I born this way? Have I always been disordered and depressed? Is there help for me, or will I always burden those around me with this? The older I get the harder it is to hide, especially from myself.  

When I think back over my life, I feel like I've always been this way. I have always struggled. I am always sad and always think different things will make me happy, but they never truly do. I am never happy, and even in the happiest of times in my life, I am plagued by sadness, experiencing days where I pull away, lash out, feel horrible. I asked myself today what the happiest time in my life has been, and I cannot think of one. Every happy time has had some aspect that made me unhappy. I have always been lonely or plagued by my ed or struggled with work or school or had to deal with death or sickness or awful life situations or things that made me unhappy. I have struggled and pushed and tried to look on the bright side of so many different scenarios over the years. I cannot ever remember a time of blissful happiness when I felt like things were all in place and going well. Never. And it's truly all I want: to be content with my body, career, and home life. But now I question if I'm capable of being content. I don't know if it's possible; I've never felt that way. 

When I was a kid, I didn't understand my mother. How she was always so tired, struggling with daily tasks, social situations, and her weight. I remember her and my father having horrid arguments and how she would run to her bedroom and lock herself in to sob. She lived in her bed, overweight and unhappy, even though she truly had many things to be happy about. 

My father tried our whole lives to do anything he could to make her better... Avoided places and people and things that might upset her, worked an awful job and scraped every penny to buy her anything that might create some amazing change in her to suddenly make her happy, catered to her during her episodes, gave up a lot of himself to try to fix her, but it never worked. I remember as a kid wishing she would just stop. Wishing she would just calm down and be rational and cheer the fuck up. Stop being so hard on him. Stop ruining things for the rest of us. I never treated her this way though. I always snuggled in to her when she sobbed, told her how much we all loved her, that she was my best friend. It was true. I never resented her. I simply wanted her demons to go away. 

Now I worry I'm like that, or maybe slowly becoming that... I don't want to ruin anyone's life. And I worry that if I have children they'll have to grow up around the same crushing craziness I did. That monster living inside your mother that you wish would just go away. I worry that I'll ruin my boyfriends life with my depression just like my mom did my dad's. I want to tell him this - that I'm crazy, and I know how this will turn out. That while he is getting better and shedding his craziness, mine seems to be getting worse, or maybe just more apparent. I want to tell him he will be better off without me, just like I always thought my dad would be. But now I depend on him. He's the only thing that makes me feel a little happy, but I blame all of my sadness on him as well. How can he stand me? How can anyone? 

I'm crying while I write this. Apparently I have been the whole time and just realized... 

People like me and I don't know why. Even the ones that see the crazy. Why? How? Is it just because I'm pretty? Because they see my potential? How could they possibly want to spend time with me? 

I don't know what to do about all this... How do I fix me?? How do I get happy??