I want to die. I don't want to keep living in a disgusting body that I hate. I'm a giant piece of shit that likes to pretend like her life has value, but I don't feel that way. I don't fit in. I'm fat and ugly and awkward and stupid and no one really loves me. How could they love me when they don't even really know me? I hide so much trying to make people like me. I hide all my ugly, and still the little bits that aren't so bad aren't good enough for anyone to love. They only like the fake bits that I work so hard to create that I feel eternally exhausted. I have no friends, and my family doesn't really want me around. I'm living some lie that I'm some person I'm not. I'm so fucking depressed. I try lately to pretend I'm ok and be grateful and positive, but I don't feel that way. I fucking hate myself. I hate my life, and I wish it would end. I beg for it to end. Please. I just want to stop existing. I'm so tired that I can barely drag myself through another day. I want it all to end.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
When I weighed in this morning, the scale was incredibly nice to me. However, I felt reckless and edgy all day. There's a lot going on right now in life that I do not feel in control of.
My day ended with a binge and purge.. not the usual type of binge - actually just another meal (after I said I'd stop eating for the day) of not-Ana approved food... I thought about letting myself keep the meal down, but I couldn't. My anxiety was too high. I didn't want to wake up tomorrow to a higher weight, and the fear of that made me take the opportunity to purge when it arose.
I felt lighter the moment I was done purging. Nice purges are always bittersweet.
Tomorrow is another day at the new job. Plus drama with my dog. And drama with paying for the boys classes. I'm not looking forward to all of it.
But maybe the scale will be nice again. August was a bad month for weight loss for me. That can't continue... I need to get on track. This week was pretty good, aside from tonight- I just need to keep it up.
Let's do it.
Saturday, August 19, 2017
B: Egg whites, onion and pepper, FF cheese, one strip turkey bacon, tomato - 150 cals
L: Potato, green beans - 150 cals
D: Zucchini, squash, tomato sauce, little beef - 200 cals
S: Nuts - 100 cals
Total: 600 cals
I'm so hungry. I've been hungry for about 3 days. But, it's ok... I know my body will adjust soon. The cravings for sugar have diminished a little, though right now I'm fighting heading into the kitchen and wolfing down some cookies. I even looked at thinspo for the past hour and it's not enough to make me stop feeling so fucking hungry. Hopefully this just means my period is coming...
Tomorrow is a springs day. Not looking forward to the bikini or being around others wearing them all day. But there's quite a bit of walking involved at the park, so I'm hoping to get in a decent workout while I'm there.
I need to start working out this week. I need a gym. There's nowhere to do it here. There's no privacy. I feel stressed about the prospect. But Tuesday I'm getting myself to a gym. No questions.
And I need a waist trainer. And money. And my mom to back off. But most of all I need to be thin.
600 calories today. Tomorrow I weigh in. This morning my weight was ok, but the wedding is closer than I want it to be for where my weight is at.
I want to head into pregnancy thin. I plan to let myself recklessly lose weight until November when we get married and then start having unprotected sex and attempting pregnancy. Then, once the baby is out, I can recklessly lose weight again.
I started my new job. It's been a stressful transition, and sitting in trainings with other new people and a room full of HR is wildly unnerving. But, I really like it. I just hope I continue to for a long time. It's such satisfying work and the environment seems perfect. I can't wait to actually get to work and start getting paid.
I had a dream about Jay last night. It was unnerving. I don't want to remember him. But there he was in my dream - all mouthy and beautiful, just like always. Our goodbye felt so incredibly unfinished that it still haunts me a little bit. But what can I really do?
Just like Adam. We didn't get a goodbye. We both opted out. He knew it was too late. And I didn't want one last flight before I left town. His number is blocked, and while in thinking about it, I'm going to block a few others.
Tomorrow's goal is to keep the eating to a minimum. I just want to be thin so badly right now. Lately I feel so terribly fat. I can't stand it. I'm tired of hating myself.
Saturday, August 5, 2017
B - Yogurt and berries - 120 cals
L - Piece of rips - 20 cals
D - Sandwich thin with mustard, vegg, and a little meat, 4 chips - 200 cals
S - Fudge pop, popcorn, pasta bites - 190 max
Total: 530 cals
B: Grapes, half english muffin, ham, 1 egg white - 140 cals
L: Shrimp, veggies - 150 cals
D: Refried beans, lettuce, tomatoes, beef, FF sour cream, little cheese - 230 cals
Total: 520 cals
Lowest days in a long time. I've been taking supplements and doing every trick I remember. I've been working hard. My mom's scale had a good number, but the plan this weekend was to restrict as much as possible and see what I weigh Monday morning. I want to see a specific number... I hope it shows up.
I'm getting excited again. The feeling in the pit of my stomach of losing. The hunger that feels good. The feeling of being full after a couple bites. The drops in bloodsugar that I have to work around. How my pants fit. It's nice. I've needed it. I'll stop at nothing now.
Thursday, August 3, 2017
I had nightmares all night last night. I was hungry when I fell asleep, hungry when I woke up. I took a melatonin and smoked a bowl to get myself sleepy enough to pass out. It was decent, but I knew the fucked up dreams would be there waiting. I had a dream that the fiance found this blog. I was horrified. He was commenting on my posts while I was feverishly attempting to block and delete things.
If he knew what was in the pages of this blog, he would probably leave me. Or at least be devastated. Sometimes I wonder why I risk having it - going online and writing in here, etc. But, I need it. I need this outlet to work through things and become a better person. The worst of me is on these pages, and that's where I like to leave it.
And it's comforting when the little number of views shows a couple. I feel less alone. I pray for comments, and even when there aren't any (as I've had this account so long most of my fellow blogger ladies have come and gone) I still feel like maybe someone connected with something I said. I should probably find other blogs to read and comment on also, but I struggle with the time and privacy to do so.
Anyway, I need to go be productive.
I got up early, made a coffee and went to work on wedding invitations. It took longer than expected, so I had to rush to get ready for work on time. I was flying through the house, washing laundry and gathering my things when I looked over the contents of the fridge and pantry. I settled on some oatmeal and set the package on the table to make after my shower. Then in the shower, I decided not to make it. I decided not to eat at all... the day was already half over. I could do it.
It was not the easiest fast day I've ever had. For some reason the hungry feeling didn't stop like it usually does. I yet felt fucking hungry all damn day.
I might let myself have like two bites now that the full 24 hours have passed. But I made it.
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
1.) I'm a disgusting, fat, ugly cow.
2.) I'll be a fat bride if I don't cut the shit.
3.) I know where the edge is, and I'm not even close.
4.) Lily. Collins.
5.) If I put off eating now, when I finally eat tonight with the hubby, I'll be able to relax more and food always tastes better when you're extremely hungry.
6.) No one likes a chubby stoner.
7.) You think food will make you feel better. Less uncomfortable right now. But, it won't. You'll just be fat sad instead of skinny sad.
8.) The bites you put into your mouth will not quiet the voices inside your head. In fact, other voices will just start screaming if you do eat, and that's even worse.
I hate food.
I was horrified yesterday. I was horrified today. Food horrifies me. Not in like a scared-of-it way (though that's also somewhat true), but in a disgusted way. When people discuss eating some giant meal (like "we shared a pie and Chinese food") or what some "delicious" dish has in it - fat and sugar and disgusting calorie counts... I cringe. When some obese person gushes over the description of a dish, or calories are discussed in an "I didn't even look" capacity, or someone jokes about "getting their vegetables" in the 2 spears of asparagus on their plate, my stomach lurches. I squeeze out a "heh heh," and wonder if my face reflects any part of what I'm actually feeling inside. I laugh along with everyone else, but inside I want to vomit.
I hate that I have to eat. That food exists. I hate that it hurts so many people but without it, you die. I think food is a terrible thing to have to endure our entire lives. Endlessly, day in and day out, planning it and buying it and preparing it and consuming it. For decades of our lives. Thousands and thousands of meals. Thousands of decisions I don't ever want to have to make, but I do. I'm forced to whether I eat well or badly or indifferently. It's the worst chore in life to have to eat. I don't love food. I hate it.
And sometimes, I hate people who love it. I think because I don't fucking understand how you could openly say some things and not hate yourself. How can you love food so much you would talk about it?? And how do you not hate yourself for, first of all, the fact being true, and second of all, saying it out loud to other people, like that's acceptable behavior? Even if I did love food, I would not speak a word of it to anyone ever. I would bury that fact so deeply inside that no one would ever guess. Because they can already look at my body and see my relationship with food. Some things are better left a mystery; not everything needs confirmation.
Every time someone talks about food, I feel a little panicked and nauseated. And I have to shake it off to have a socially acceptable conversation and response, but I think it's bullshit. Don't discuss food with me. I hate it.
I didn't eat in front of people until I was in college. I never went on dates, and my family never went out. In high school, every meal eaten in public was gathered lightly, tasted, and discarded. I didn't eat in front of people; I picked. And only when necessary. Week-long trips for school or competitions would result in 12lb weight losses because I was too anxious to actually eat meals all week. I wasn't even trying to lose weight at that point in my life. I just always hated the necessity of food... I wanted to be thin, but I was not devoted to the reality of the notion. I would enjoy those weeks and then go back to eating "normally."
I just always felt like people were looking at me and judging me - that's why I couldn't eat in public. I thought they must see my food choices and think to themselves, "Oh that's why she's fat. If she's eating this in public, I'm sure she eats WAY worse food in private! That explains why she's such a gross cow." I would try incredibly hard to be the one at the table eating the healthiest. It was out of fear. I remember once going to dinner with two other girls. I made the mistake of ordering first - the fish special with some carb as a side. The other girls ordered salads. I was horrified. I couldn't even think straight the whole meal, thinking of how I must look to them. I picked at my food and hated myself.
I've hidden food wrappers for indulgent things I've eaten my whole life. Shoved to the bottom of the trash can. Receipts destroyed. Hiding around corners or in other rooms to eat junk food. Junk food should only be eaten in the strictest of privacy. Not only for fear of judgement, but also in case a purge is necessary and all the details that process entails.
I think I have that fear of judgement because I pass it on myself. And if I'm honest with myself, I pass it onto others too. I try to stop myself, but I can't help it. It's my first thoughts. I know where these things come from. I know the messages I received about shame and food - from every woman in my household, but that doesn't change the message. It's still there, playing inside my head, and I don't foresee that changing.