Thursday, March 31, 2011

Scattered brains and apple crisp

I got into bed to sleep last night.

I couldn't.

I'm becoming immune to sleepy allergy pills. And I just could NOT empty my head. 2 days ago I was so clear. Even my B&P was calculated, clear, concise. Every thought was ordered. And now yesterday and today I'm a clutter-head.

It's because I'm WORRIED.

About money and finding a job and being an adult and forcing myself to be who I want to be and not who I am... The scale read 2lbs lighter today than yesterday. It felt good but not good enough. I've been here too many times before.

My intake today has been as follows:
Cream of wheat - 100 cals
"Apple crisp" bake - 130 cals (recipe below)
Stuffing (I know... Bad.) - 110 cals
Orange - 40 cals
Total - 380cals

I may allow another orange later or maybe some celery or popcorn for about 50 cals. We shall see.

It's 7pm, and I am not very hungry right now. Lately I don't get hungry until late at night. And then I watch episodes of "Intervention" on Youtube about girls with EDs and it makes me not even THINK of food.

I need a job... Someone hire me so I don't have to worry about employment or money... Just fat and calories and binging and purging and weight... You know, business as usual.

Recipe as promised:

In case I've never posted this recipe before (and I believe I haven't) here is my amazing "apple crisp" recipe. Nice in cold months or when you're desperately craving a dessert. It actually tastes really GOOD.

Ingredients:
One apple diced - 60 cals
1TB raisins - 30 cals
2TB dry oatmeal - @40 cals depending on what you buy
Generous sprinkle of your favorite no-cal sweetener - 0 cals
Generous sprinkle of cinnamon - 0 cals
1 TB butter spray - 0 cals
2 TB of water - 0 cals
Total: 130 cals

Spray a small casserole dish with 0cal non-stick spray.
Mix the above ingredients in the dish and press them down to a uniform height, making sure everything is moist.
Cover and bake about 15 minutes, until the apples are done when you poke with a fork and it's all slightly bubbly.
Uncover and continue to bake until the top is slightly crispy, about an additional 5 minutes.

It's good. And hot as fuck when it comes out of the oven, so you eat it slowly.

Plus, apples are pretty harmless, right?

Revelation

2 diet pills, an allergy pill and a cup of coffee all consumed within 20 minutes will get you high.

"Take with a meal."

Add 6 fiber pills, and you won't feel hungry for a mere 10 calories.

That's a meal, right?

I've consumed approximately 450 cals today.

I went through most of my day feeling weak, frail, fragile. But the mirror says I'm huge.

I don't know if my crash from my high is what was so monumentally devastating today or if it was just the fact that I'm still sick.

"Where does it hurt you, baby?"
"Mm... My guts and my brain."

I can live with crashing.

Blurry snapshot

Rediscovering myself, my dreams, my goals.

Soul searching has never been this successful.

Not distracted or jaded or preoccupied with minor distractions.

Knowing.

Knowing is a nice state to be in.

Breakfast of coffee and pills.

Lack of guilt or sinning.

Free from my earthly confides, my terrestrial body.

My inner being feels light and free.

Swirls of smoke and a slight shake.

Hot water and pattering rain.

It's amazing what the right music will do for your soul.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Update on my life

I know I said I would blog soon in my last entry... That OBVIOUSLY didn't happen.

Life has been... Scattered. Hectic. Busy. Unorganized. I can't believe 3 months have passed since I was regularly blogging. I moved back to my home state, a new town. It's amazing. I've seen my friends and family way more, and I already have new friends I adore.

But other aspects are messy... Like employment.

My job transferred me to their location here, and it was awful. I won't delve into it, but it's like I didn't even work for the same company. THEN, then I went elsewhere. To the place where the hubby was working. Big mistake. Even more awful, but the money was okay. I stayed a month and couldn't take it. We both quit.

And now we're both jobless. Unemployed and hoping to find something soon so we don't completely drain our bank account. I know things will work themselves out. They always do. But the waiting is awful. We start to pick at each other when we have time off due to unemployment. 2 days into this and we're bickering. And to top it off, I'm fucking sick as a dog. Sore throat, headaches like you wouldn't believe, etc.

I turned down one job this week because it was NOT what I thought when I applied. I've applied for about 40 jobs. I applied for one yesterday that I am super excited about, and I hope they are interested enough in my application to call me for an interview.

Fingers crossed.

In other news, I've been "maintaining" my weight. My last job was extremely physically demanding and FUCKED with my eating schedule. I weighed in at 120 yesterday morning.

120 is my cliff.

If I top this number, panic ensues. I feel hopeless, depressed, like I'm going to DIE. Like I need to get it off as quickly as I can. But the flipside of this is that I don't want to weigh this MUCH. I have basically weighed this much since December. Unacceptable. I DO accept it, but I shouldn't.

My move, having different jobs, etc. of course has played a role in this, but I should still be weighing less than this. I always seem to teeter on this cliff, and it's HARD for me to get lower than this.

It's time though.

I had planned on starving the past 2 days, but waking up fucking sick put a huge damper on this plan because I have to eat with my pills or I get the worst migraines and stomach aches. You think this would help, but it makes it impossible to DO absolutely anything.

But, tomorrow is a new day.

It's time to achieve 110lbs. I'm diving in full force ahead. Time to be lean and mean and sexy this summer.

Plus I have motivation because a.) My lovely darling friend Elizabeth is coming to visit me, and she is a twiggy little thing, and we WILL be going to the beach, I can't avoid that and b.) I'm going back to the city I was living in for the past 2 years for a visit in about 2 months, and I want to be thin and ready.

I'm tired of this earthly body. This heavy sack of debris that I carry around everywhere.

I want to look like I should. I want to be and thin and free and not care about other people's opinion. I want to earn the right not to care.

Time to earn it. Tomorrow's plan is to earn it one day at a time.

B: Coffee
L: Tuna and Peas with lettuce
D: Cereal

This IS possible.