Rejected

I’m having a really hard time believing this will ever get better. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of feeling like a failure. I’m tired of never being seen or heard by anyone. I’m tired of broken promises. 

I’m so fucking tired.

I really wish I could just die.

My children are not what I wanted in life - it wasn’t supposed to be like this. They weren’t supposed to be stepkids with issues and an autistic kid. It was supposed to be a remake of what my parents tried to do, but I was going to do it right. I wanted my daughter so that I could teach her not to turn out like me. 

I wanted a family  

My husband is not what I wanted in life. I wanted a man who would baby me. I wanted a man who would take care of me and understand me and try to protect me. I wanted a man who would take every opportunity to show me he cared. 

I got none of this. 

And I look around and I see that other people that have it, and I don’t know what I did so wrong to not deserve those things. I’ve tried so hard my whole life to be a good person. To be a good girl. I have always really tried to do my best, and it was just never enough. No one ever told me I was enough. It never mattered. A’s for effort don’t exist. 

Why is it my destiny to suffer? Why can’t I ever have anyone who sees me and accepts me? 

My urge to run away from everything is growing stronger and stronger. My urge to self injure is strong as ever. Yesterday I almost did. I almost took a safety pin and ripped it under my skin. If I had the spiral notebook wire I used to use, I would be cutting myself right now with it. 

I just want to die, because there is no escape.

I want this suffering to end, and it never will. I’m in too deep. And it’s just getting deeper and deeper, and I cant back out now. It’s just going to get worse. I’ve never gotten a period of my life where I didn’t have to constantly work so hard. And it’s never enough for people. And I’m just getting older where things get harder and harder. It will never slow down. There is no light at the end of the tunnel or date I’ll get out of this prison. There is literally only suffering. 

I wish I knew what it was like to be happy. Moments may exist, but they’re always overshadowed by reality. I can try to ignore it, but it’s always just there under the surface - I hate myself.

I hate myself, because I have always been treated like people hate me. The only times in life I’m accepted are when I’m faking things. 

I really hoped my husband would be the one to change this for me, but he hasn’t.

A decade has passed, and he’s still not decided on staying with me, and I know it. Lately it’s much clearer that he’s hating me. He’s pulling away, and I can’t stop him from doing that. He wanted what I faked to be, and I can’t be her. My life has so much shit in it that she is buried. Sometimes I can spin the plates, but mostly I just drop them all the time.

Every time I look in the mirror I see my mom. I wish I didn’t look so much like her. I wish I didn’t hate my parents and I wish they would have accepted me for me. I wish they would have done more when I know they were actually capable of more. 

I’ve never felt truly loved by anyone - it always has conditions. And when I don’t follow the conditions, I get abused. And most of the time I don’t even know what the conditions are. I just know when I’m failing. 

All I wanted was to go on a date today. And he doesn’t. And that fucking hurts so deeply because I thought our distance was circumstance but it’s because he genuinely doesn’t like me. 

I don’t fit in. I never will. I don’t think anyone will ever love me the way other people are loved. 

Fatty fatty fat fat

Dumb shit keeps happening.

The past two weeks have been a nightmare, and I didn’t realize it all until I was texting it all to Meg. 

I need a break. 

My husband is so defensive I have to treat him with kid gloves, and I no longer have the patience for it. He knows I’m right, and it kills him. He makes me so angry, and the time I’m away from him is so relaxing. I wish he would leave sometimes. Often lately. I don’t think it would hurt me that much as this point. I really feel like I could take it or leave it. O

I wonder when he stopped liking me. 

He threw in my face what I ate last night. I warned him and he kept talking. I didn’t eat today. I didn’t get to close that. When you have an eating disorder this is what happens. He knows I do. He said things anyway. 

I need a new boyfriend. 

My boys

I love my middle child. He and I are a team lately. He’s always viewed me with such admiration (of which I am not deserving) and I want to fix this suffering for him. I feel like we have worked so hard and been so patient and gracious and diligent and wise in this situation, and now I’m watching a miracle occur. 

Regardless of any day that follows, we won the war. Every sandwich and football game and pair of shoes created this moment. 

I have no regrets. And I pray for the wisdom to know what to do next. 

I have never been so proud of my boys. 

Hating me.

I’m literally insane. I have mental illness that threatens to ruin my life. I want to fucking kill myself. My husband deserves better than me. In a lot of ways. 

I don’t want them here. 

Hate hate hate hate hate

I can’t fucking sleep. My brain won’t shut off. I’ve been feeling so manic with all of the things going on at my home since Thursday. I feel like a breakdown is just around the corner, and I’m not sure what that will look like. 

I feel like I’m cracking up. 

Yesterday I kept losing my train of thought. I’m distracted and anxious. I’m flaky and clumsy and can’t function like I need to. There is too much to do and there are too many people who need things from me right now. I don’t know what are the best decisions to make to help myself. 

I can’t fucking stand it when I don’t know what’s going to happen. When I care too much. When I get my hopes up. When I have to be neutral. When I start planning things and then have to slam on the brakes. 

So I try not to plan. I’m not managing that well.  

I just have to remember that other people are not my responsibility. The kids are not my kids. I have one child that I have to take care of and he needs more from me right now. 

Keeping myself in check every moment is exhausting right now. Not getting to clock out is draining me. Worrying about everyone’s fate is terrible. 

I fully anticipate that today is going to suck ass. And I know I should not do that but I can’t help it. I literally have slept 3 hours and my alarm is going to go off in 1.5 hours. Fuck meeeee.