I’m literally just so fucked up in the head

I thought it would be a good idea to make a list of the things that once I get shrooms or therapy or whatever, I need to resolve. Not the best idea, but I birthed it, so fucking here. Puked it up here; fuck me. 

Things I still have issues with: 

-Religion, fuck. Like I was trying to figure out what to title this like - is it “faith” or “Christianity?” But like nah bro, it’s religion, I think. I think I need to figure out what I’m doing with all that. Like it’s time to dig a little deeper again in some way. It’s been a long time, but fuck it’s so triggering. And idk why. Was it that bad? Is it that bad in other places? Some are so much worse tho… like what’s really right and wrong? I have more questions than answers. 

-Massive eating disorder. Generally hate every fiber of my physical being.

-Is my job just a crock of shit?? Like does it even fucking matter? Or do I just perpetuate the issues? Life fucking always sucks forever and ever like it never stops sucking. So what do I do with that?

-The Baby. His whole existence. 

-I wish I was a good daughter. I really tried to be. I will never know if I made the right choice, no matter what, because that’s not possible. Idk if I did, but here we are. It feels so exhausting - the prospect of going back. Can’t I just be lazy for once? Why do I condemn lazy so badly and secretly lust for her? 

-Why am I so unable to make myself function? How do I stop being so fucking depressed??? 

-We married the man that treated us badly. Are we still good with that? I know we complain about him a lot, but we do love him. 

-Who tf is “we?”

-I think I smoke too much weed. Like why??

-Siblings. 

-Former lovers. 

-Current friends. 

-My destiny to write is unresolved with no current plan or movement toward resolution. I cannot be silent forever. There is little need to be anymore. I can at least start it. I should at least write it. I have the entire thing in me.

- I have so very much to say that it spills over into places in life it does not belong. I walk about the earth sloshing my words on people clumsily and sheepishly, and because I’m so admired, for some odd reason, most people let a splash or two go. I’m witty and fun and lack judgement. You’ll overlook all of my flaws, because I’ll tell you I don’t have any. Those are all intentional things to add to me being interesting and relatable. It’s not trauma at all. Unless you’re into that. And then I’ll abruptly spill too much on too serious of a person, and they’ll question me. And my response is to twist and writhe and escape the clutches of anything that makes me feel like I need to change anything about myself. Even other people who resemble me don’t need to change. We are the “right” ones. 

-I can’t handle feeling like anyone leaves my fan club. I feel I need a fan club. I’ve taken all the feedback I can handle in life, and I’m at saturation. If you don’t worship me, stay out of my presence. Then some of them realize at some point that I’m just a sad ass fucking old white bitch with issues talking like I know what I’m talking about, when clearly, I don’t. Because, fucking look around, bitch. This ain’t it. But I’ll try to sell you that it’s better than yours. It probably actually is, is the sad part. I don’t think my life is objectively that bad. It just all feels so very vain. And a bitch will realize and dump me. And the short but impactful list of no answers is pathetic - Victoria, Mikayla, Mandi…  They will forget me and write me off as a well-intended know it all who was fucking clueless in reality. We all know the type. Like you know she is kind of smart, but not as smart as she thinks. They all were smarter than me. That’s why they left. That’s why they’ll never be back. Because they saw through me. They saw how fucking pathetic I really am. They saw my mental illness and realized it’s either hopeless, or there is better. And then; there is way better. I’m not as good as I tell people I am. Idk why anyone ever believes me. I’m fucking deceitful. I try not to be, but my default nature is to hide. Hiding is safe. Coming out of hiding hurts. 

-Living hurts. 

How many shroom trips would you average all of this to be?? What’s the math here, people? What are our thoughts?? 

Basic daily life shit

I don't want to change jobs. I keep going back and forth, but it doesn't feel like the right move at this time in my life. Changing jobs requires the following things I do not want: being more timely/organized, no flexibility in my schedule, no calling out anymore, no smoking weed, no deciding what days I goof off and don't, and everyone looking to me for answers. In order to make more money, I would need to take on more responsibility in the workplace. And I would also be on a real radar for the first time in life. I don't think I would be ok. 

If this week is any indication of my functioning, I can't handle a new job anyway... I have purged 3 times, twice at work, and ordered out and cried and cried and cried, spent money, chewed off all my nails, picked everything, and had about 4 panic attacks. I'm feeling it again like I did in 2012. Like I did last summer. Like I did in 2020. I get the urge to move, and I know I need to change something. Only in the past, it was clear what I needed to change, and right now it's not to me... Before it was so easy to point at my ex or a job or a circumstance and be like, "THAT is why I am unhappy, and I am going to get rid of it." 

But lately, the things that make me unhappy are also the things that make me happy, so it's not so simple. I get a photo of my kids at the beach, and I'm filled with both resentment and joy. How can you even feel those two emotions at the same time?

Changing jobs would be appealing in that I need coworkers. I'm tired of people I talk to not getting it. I need other professional development things where I don't feel so isolated. I need to network. All I do is talk to clients, and they're all my sole responsibility. It's feeling isolating. 

I also need more money. I think I'm headed toward this being more consistent and accessible, and honestly I think I've done better this summer than I thought I would, but I'm so tired of pinching every penny in life to the point where when I'm low and my depression kicks in and I spend $30 on bullshit, it's too much. I need to be able to afford therapy and life insurance myself. I know a job would give me benefits this one isn't. 

I just still feel like I'm a fucking server. Like I spent so much time and effort to get away from that life, and I'm in a similar one. Working day to day, not even paycheck to paycheck, to get as much out of a person as possible, and I can't even pay a bill without draining my account down to nothing. I need to see 40 clients a week, a fully packed schedule, to actually pay all of my bills alone and have any wiggle room. And I feel like a complete failure that I cannot do that and that I'm going to need more. I cannot get this to be more than about 30 clients a week, and I have never been able to achieve 40... It's not like the potential isn't there - it's just not happening without going to a big name, and thus the sacrifices.

I'm tired of what I'm doing having the potential to be easy but not being easy. I'm starting to feel it again, the restlessness, but I have no way out anymore. I can't just leave.

I need more money. The only way I get more money is by giving up time with my kids. I can't do that... I need husband to miraculously be able to bring home money while baby is in school for like 20 hours a week. It feels insurmountable, and I don't see the clearest path out of that.

I also have come to realize I need a place where I feel important. I need validation. I need positive input. I've been getting it from War, from friends here and there, from losing some weight, from buying clothes, manicures, pedicures, but I don't want to be valued for my aesthetic. I'm fucking over that in life. I'm tired of being reduced to a pretty girl and feeling the pressure to constantly be her. I would like to get objective input for hard work that I do - not starstruck clients or compliments based on a body I didn't even pick. This is the first time in my life where I didn't feel like I was working toward something that other people could see, and I think I need it.

I need competition. Even being a Lacrosse mom gave me a little of something. But I need a thing. And it's going to have to be something I can't put a ton of time or money into. It's going to have to be something accessible. It's going to have to be something that provides a challenge, and I want to crush it. I want to take a class and be at the top of the class. I want to rule something rather than run it. 

I need to write my book. 

Grief, as usual

Lately the only time that I ever have time to think or introspect is when I’m in the car, and it’s not the most conducive to journaling...

Visiting War was really extremely overstimulating and saddening. And I guess painful... I really didn’t realize how dysfunctional she truly was until I was on the way there. I don’t think I would even have gone. Her house was disgusting, she chugged caffeine all day long - cracking open energy drinks like they were beers, hitting dabs, and sneaking away to snort. She was fucked up the whole time, told me she's in love with her cousin's husband (like it was some kind of news, and it's not...) and tried to backhandedly hit on me like 3 or 4 distinctly specific times. And maybe I'm just being conceited thinking that she was, but then why was a "we could never sleep together, because you're straight..." comment ever made more than once? She made me literally uncomfortable to the point I didn't feel comfortable sleeping near her. So I tucked away in the back corner of her gross house, covered everything with blankets, and took anything I had with me to get my body to pass out. I did sleep well, and I had a slow relaxing morning, but that's because she must have been up all night snorting shit, so I knew she wouldn't wake up until afternoon. 

I was so sad... I still am.

This person that I love and care about feels gone to me. I didn't realize she was this person, and I could get over most of the issues here, but she made me feel unsafe enough by hitting on me that I felt the need to sleep elsewhere... Not even a man has done that to me before. I realize that face is due to being lucky with the men I have been around AND because with a man, I know Ima put out, or I'm not there. But I've never had someone in a 24 hour period drop so many "hints." I wanted to cry - not because I'm some homophobic stuck up bitch, but because sometimes a friendship dies and the other person just isn’t aware yet, and I think sadly something similar to that happened this weekend.

And I’ve been having a massive depressive spiral since I got back home. 

It’s not helping that my husband is processing things about his past and our lives in real time and leaning on me a lot for those conversations this week. He’s just now grasping things that I understood two years ago about our family, and it’s very draining to relive all of it with him. I wish he would’ve just kept up the first time around when all the crazy shit went down. IDK how he even avoids things for so long before he gets to them, but damn it's tiring to do a whole process with him later in my life that I already did... When we were sitting at dinner, I made a comment about the kids' relationships with each other, and it just about blew his mind... I felt badly that I said it, even tho I know it was true... 

Also, in true summer fashion, my job lately is quite soul-sucking. Nothing new and exciting happens, and it's less hours of work and money, but somehow more *actual* work. It’s just the same old bullshit all summer long until August, and the season picks back up. It’s very draining to interact with and deal with my current clients, because they’re more work, higher demands, higher needs from me, lower ability to do things for themselves, and like fuck, gimme a break. 

I canceled half of my meetings today last minute, and I keep trying to rationalize with myself that at least I didn’t call out completely today, but it’s still not good that I did that. It’s like hundreds of dollars, which I wouldn’t even feel bad about if it wasn’t that I needed that money to support my whole ass family right now... But...

I don’t even care today; I'm so fucking depressed. 

Work lately is so stressful... I just worked so hard to make this transition a year ago, and I’m still honestly learning the reality of all of this, but I don’t know what my plan is for the future of my career. I feel like this ain't it forever, but it's good for now and probably like the next two years and I'll be revisiting this. I need flexibility above all else right now, and this is that. So, we stay. I guess... 

I didn't think I'd ever have to really think about this, honestly. IDK what I ever imagined for a career as an adult, but it was always basic af. And, like I've mentioned prior, I didn't anticipate living past 30-ish for some reason. I always imagined my life to that point - go to school, get basic white girl job, marry average white guy, have a baby, die when baby is young... I don't know when or why I thought that up - I think it was because of seeing the aftermath of and hearing about that car accident when I was a kid, but it fucked me up in that it made me stop planning after "baby turns 4-ish." 

Yet, here we still are.

I know I can’t do this job forever. But for now, I think I need to make it work. The next two years I’m willing to give to this household, but then Ima need to regain 2/3 of my life back. Because it being split into five right now is not okay, and I never actually agreed to that. 

I think another piece about staying at War's house that really bothered me was that it’s such an echo of all of my past.

Being out there in the country in the middle of nowhere just reminds me of my entire upbringing. Being around her specifically reminds me of specific years of my life when I met her between the ages of 17 and 21. And her self-destructive behavior starts to trigger my own self-destructive behavior.

When I see mental instability taking place right in front of me, it makes me want to drink and starve myself and cut. But because I don’t do those things anymore, I just binge and smoke too much pot, and watch TV. 

I think I romanticize drinking a little bit in life at this point tho... I think I remember it as more fun than it actually was. DGMW, there’s a part that really misses drinking and resents the fact that I had to give it up because of my relationship, and not because of my own issue with it, but whenever I hang out with people that have severe addiction, I realize that it’s probably not that great. I'ts likely that drinking was never as shiny as I think it was. 

I really like the life that I have with my husband now, and I’m so pissed and my depression and anxiety step in and ruin it so easy with me sometimes. I think this depressive episode specifically wasn’t even triggered by anything initially... I think before I even went to War‘s house, I was starting to feel depressed, and then being at her house and coming home and being overstimulated and all of the drama with my husband this week - it’s just created an episode that was way worse than it needed to be, and I’ve been really pulling through as much as I can this week, but I’m ready for a day when I open my eyes in the morning and don’t immediately wish I was gonna die...

Intrusive thoughts of death kicked super hard after lunch today. Not because of lunch, shockingly, but just because of no specific reason whatsoever. I really don’t like when that happens...

Fucking emotions and chemicals, and everything is a stupid response to another stupid thing. It’s like it like a row of dominoes, and one will topple over the next, but I’m not sure which one to remove, or if I have to remove two consecutive ones, or what the hell I’m supposed to do when they all top all over... 

I think another piece of this that really bothers me is that I was utilizing War as a type of social support, almost to replace therapy since I’ve not had good luck in the past couple years finding a good therapist... And I’m not saying I would go to her for therapy type advice or knowledge. I don’t need that from her. I would just go to her with my own mental illness complaints not realizing the severity of her's, and thinking that we were connecting a little bit more than we were. I thought she was a healthier human than she is, so realizing that she’s not is part of this sadness for myself. I don’t have the level of social support there that I actually thought that I did. And I can’t maintain contact the way that I originally did, because she’s ruined something nice that we had. I hadn't even been journaling as much, because I just voice memo and talk to her about things, but now I don’t even wanna do that anymore... But I can’t just abruptly stop, because she’s going to notice and know that it’s something she did, and I’m not saying that would be a bad thing, but I don’t really wanna have that dynamic. I like our friendship, and I want to salvage what I can here, but the reality is it’s never gonna be able to be the same thing again, and that really sucks. I was lying to myself before a little, clearly, so I’m grieving it.

Always lots of fucking grief. 

The Boys: Completed

“Where Are You Now,” Mumford and Sons - Chevy
“Circles,” Post Malone - Adam
“Dead Boy in My Room,” Carolesdaughter- Bogs 
“Delicate,” Taylor Swift - Bird
“Breathing,” Yellowcard - Ex Hubs
“Soft Spot,” Claud - Ry