Worst year

This has legit been probably the worst year of my adult life. Maybe entire life. 

I had hoped this holiday weekend would be a respite from the shitty life that is mine. It wasn’t. I enjoyed finally seeing the big kids after months, but that was overshadowed by all the other shit. I didn’t get my Christmas tree. I cooked way too much. 

I had to take my dog to have her put down on thanksgiving day. And I can’t stop crying about her. I miss my baby. I hate that’s she’s gone, and I’m so sad about it. 

Friday and Saturday were a blur. And Sunday and Monday I spent binging and purging countless times with a mind full of suicidal thoughts and paranoia. My mental health has been in the toilet, and I had to drag myself to two baby appointments already this week which was a fucking circus. 

Now my body and mind are in shambles and I called out of work. I canceled 4 appointments. I don’t even care, even tho I need the money quite badly. I just don’t fucking care if I live or die at this moment. 

I miss my life with friends and drugs and boys and all that. I feel like I was sad then also, but at least I self-medicated with things I found fun. Now I am sad and sober. Sans the weed and the stash of xan that I have been eating off of a lot the past couple days.

I don’t even care. I don’t care what happens to me. 

Hate of course

Our vacation sucked. It was horrible. My husband was unable to let it be relaxing. I hated spending time with B… I hate my life. I feel like I wanted to rip my skin off the whole time. I felt embarrassed by my life. By my husband, self, kid… everything. I tried too hard and worried too much. I had too high of expectations to enjoy myself. I didn’t fit in there and realize all the things I would need to do to acquire that. I need to start doing them. I’m tucked away in this town with this life right now, but all of that is where I want to be and am headed, and I can’t go there being this person. I’ll be unhappy every second. 

I miss the world and also don’t feel like I know how to do it anymore. I don’t even have clothes. I don’t have friends or hobbies. I don’t have a life. I have goals and checklists to get a life eventually while my life is passing by. 

I need to lose weight. I need to get my money on track. I need to get my teeth fixed. I need a better wardrobe. 

I need a better me. I’m fucking over waiting for her. 

Hating life

I feel so fucking terrible. 

Idk why or what’s causing it, but I feel off kilter. I feel stressed. Money, parents, baby, family, work, wanting to enjoy my vacation and feeling worried I won’t… feeling fat. Feeling lonely. 

I feel really lonely. I feel like I have no one in the world I can trust with my emotions. I have a husband who’s mean, friends I struggle to be vulnerable with, a kid who can’t talk, step kids who are off living their own lives, parents I don’t speak to, extended family I can’t stand, a brother whose mental health is worse than mine… And that’s it. I need a person. I need my husband to step up and be that person, and I am just really not sure if he ever will be.  

Where is he in the intersect between ability and willingness?? 

I cried myself to sleep. I though of Marigold and how much I miss her. I thought of how lonely I feel. 

I’m trying not to be depressed right now. I’m definitely in an episode. Wellbutrin is still working and helpful, but my depression is just a monster… A terrible monster I don’t think I’ll ever rid myself of. I can make myself do the things now with meds, but I really wish I could stop feeling so fucking sad in my life.