Saturday, August 29, 2009

Sick and Fudgsicles

I've been gone for almost 10 days because I've been so SICK.

My body got completely worn down, and I ended up spending about 4 days in bed coughing, sneezing, feeling generally shitty. Augh. SO I had a gain of about 2.5lbs from no activity for about a week. It's amazing that number isn't higher.

But I'm FINALLY starting to feel better, so it's back to losing weight! And tanning, which I'm going to make myself do at least 3 times a week since I'm paying for it every month regardless.

Today's plan: (haven't eaten yet)

B: Cereal - 120
L: Frozen healthy dinner - 200ish (whichever one has the most protein)
D: Salad (that I already made and packed for work) - 100 (Mostly neg cal tho)
After work: Fudgesicle - 40

This should put my day right at around 500.

Oh, and BTW, the No Sugar Added Popsicle Fudgsicle Bars are AMAZING! They taste SO good, and they're only 40 cals a bar, and since they're fidgesicles, they melt slowly, so you can eat them for longer. I would advise though, that if icecream is a trigger food for you, I might avoid them because they taste JUST like icecream here.

Anyway, ladies, I have to run. I have to go to work soon... I may skip the cereal seeing as how I'm running out of time.

I'll catch up on all of you tomorrow!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Just weighing in

Poll: How often do you step on the scale to weight yourself, and what are your "rules" about it?

I weight myself probably like 3-5 times a day.

1- when I wake up in the morning after my pee. 2- after a BM. 3- before bed (but this is always expected to be about a lb higher, and is used as a motivator.) 4-5- various times during the day when I feel empty.

Is that a crazy amount? I wonder about all of you...

Had lunch today at some sandwich shop... No idea how many cals in the sandwich... I had no mayo, no cheese, just turkey, spinach, red onion, and cranberry pesto on thin french bread.

I'm estimating that plus breakfast is about 450 cals.

I'm really hungry right now, but I'm going to go work out, take a bath, and then smoke a ciggy to fight off the cravings because I can only afford a 50 cal dinner - aka salad!

Lately I do NOT let myself go over 500 cals... And once I plateau, I'll probably go down a hundred cals... We'll see. Lately I'm dropping pounds, so as long as I still continue to do that, I'll stay at around 500 cals.

The fiance has been complementing me like CRAZY lately. This morning we were sitting around in bed and he was just kind of inspecting my body and telling me my stomach is so much flatter, my legs are thinner, my arms and collarbones are more defined, etc.

He doesn't know how much this feeds into me!!!

BUT, in other news... I want to buy an elliptical. I think I can find one for around $200. I may talk to the fiance about it soon and see if we can afford it... I also want a new scale, though the one I have is like my baby. (No lie, which is actually quite pathetic. I get upset when the fiance touches the dial or gets on it. Ha!) I just know it's not super accurate, so I want a digital one.

But it's all about the monies. We're paying for a $4K honeymoon on top of the wedding all by our lonesomes, and I need to schedule a dentist appointment soon as well.

Which, btw, I'm honestly scared to do... I don't think I throw up that much, but I'm scared my teeth might be fucked up somehow from purging... Or that the dentist will look in my mouth and just know.

But we'll just see how it goes... I know the longer I put this off, the worse it will get, so I might as well just go.

Geez... I just spent like 2 hours looking at thinspo... Time to get some workouts accomplished.

Anyway... Here's some thinspo... I'm all about cute dresses lately!














Monday, August 17, 2009

Reached GW#1

No longer depressed today.

Over itttt. Like I said, fuck boys.

I just reached GW #1 today... The weight I said I wanted to be when I started all of this again back in February...

I'm still not completely satisfied though. (Shocking.) I want to lose 10-20 more pounds.

It's do-able... I want to be thin, thin, thin.

I got my wedding dress in the mail today, and it was too big. Like, a LOT too big. Like I have to budget in a tailor for the big day too big. I was ecstatic, but I wish I knew how it was going to look on me... It's absolutely beautiful.

I feel so happy to have noticed a change in my body lately... My self-esteem is through the roof, and I went through my clothes and threw out things that are too big that I never want to fit into again. I even need a new belt because the fiance had to poke another hole in the one I have now because it wouldn't hold up my pants.

I wish I could have taken it off quicker though... I tried so hard to be healthy about weight loss and I can't. I'm just an ED girl.

Survey time.

I AM:
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[x] - obsessive exercise bulimic
[x] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast

PEOPLE...
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic/ednos


I WISH...
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE...
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic
[ ] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[x] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[ ] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses.
[ ] I wear contacts.
[x] I would get plastic surgery.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[ ] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[ ] I'm single
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[x] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date
[x] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[ ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[x] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I'm addicted/ have been addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[x] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[x] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged
[x] Bulimia
[ ] Orthorexia
[ ] Over-exercising
[x] Binge eating
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[ ] I've fainted from exhaustion

I'VE DONE:
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[x] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine

OTHER QUESTIONS
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have an ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food, it's a love/hate relationship
[x] I want to be this way
[ ] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[x] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself

Survey #2
General
Age? 22
Height? 5'4"
Weight? Refuse to comment.
Lowest Weight? 125
Highest Weight? 155
What weight do you want to weigh? 120-110
What eating disorder do you have? EDNOS.
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average? Under 500 most days
Do you throw up your food on occasion? Probably about 4 times a week.
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress? I just want ot look like a skinnier me.
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track? Nope.
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight? Not teased, but said things.
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long? Yes, only a few days here and there.
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories? Occasionally.
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses? Chyeah.
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED? No.
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting? Nope, but I've definitely thought about it.
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder? Yes.

Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not? Yes.
What part of your body would you change? Everything.
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body? No, but it's a lot of it.
Because of your body appearance/weight, have you become severely depressed? Just this week.
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses? Yes. And random people in public, friends, etc. Pretty much everyone.


Health/Food
Do you think you eat healthy enough? No.
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs? YES. I always feel EXTREME guilt and know there are like a million cals too.
Fat grams? Not as much.
Calories? Yes.
Are you often tired/fatigued? Yup.
Do you feel more energized after eating food? Sometimes. Sometimes the opposite because I get so DEPRESSED.
Do you eat meat? Yes.
Do you eat your food in a certain way? Really tiny bites.
Do people tell you you look sick or famished? Sometimes.
Have you ever thrown up blood? Nope.
Is your heart bpm above 49? I have no clue.
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating? Nope.

Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders? Psht.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana? No opinion.
Do you have any other mental disorders? I don't think so.
What's your favorite food to eat? Grapes at the moment.
Favorite drink? Diet Coke.
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED? No.
Do you want to recover? No.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Depressed

I'm depressed.




I don't know what is fucking wrong with me.

I ate too much (emotional eating) and then I mia'd (emotional puking).

Fuuuuucccckkkk.

I need to get myself back on track and get over the drama with my Ex and Chevy.

I need my head back on straight!

And I need a fucking day off from work.

And I need my fiance to have a fucking day off work so we can spend some fucking time together.

I feel like shit, and I know it's aaallll emotions.

Dammit.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Blargggh.

The past few days I have been so fucking emotional... I realize I'm on my period and that probably has something to do with it, but I'm just so ANNOYED with some things.

I think I'm exhausted. My parents being here and driving all over the fucking state to spend time with them and trying to balance out meals has been rough and tiring. But, I've been doing well with the eating. Not so much the exercising, but definitely the eating. Only mia'd once in the past few days - last night at work post-burger... I was starving from not eating all day because of the driving around, so I ate one.

Whatev.

AND I think my fucking ex bf is making me depressed... I don't know why though... I won't let myself think about it long enough to determine the issue...

I think it's because he didn't respond to my text, but he'll fucking run all around the city he lives in with his ex... Me, he won't even talk to, and I never hurt him like she did... HE hurt ME.

That just shows how crazy he really is tho, doesn't it?

No more of this shit. No more thinking about it.

And NO more talkign to him in ANY form. ESPECIALLY texting!

But in other news... Chevy.

He is NOT moving away like he originally intended, because our company promoted him. But, he's not working in our kitchen as much, so I don't see him much, but things have been so WEIRD.

Basically when the fiance and I were having issues, I was all over Chevy like white on rice. Then, things started getting better, and Chevy was in and out of work with this whole promotion going on, and we didn't see each other for a good 2 weeks because I was working opposite shifts. Then when we did see each other, I didn't have as much of an interest in hitting on him because things were going really well with my man. And Chevy started being downright MEAN to me. Saying rotten things being rude all the time...Whatever.

And NOW... Fucking NOW he's crawling back to me.

And I don't need the drama.

Last night, he came into the back room where I was doing stuff, and he said, "I think we're missing each other." I asked him what that means, and he said, "Nothing," and starts to walk off (Total game playing, btw.) And I called him back over and he says we're not "connecting" anymore, we're "missing eachother" we're "not on the same page," blah, blah, blah...

Basically what he's saying is he still wants to bang me, and he's upset I'm not flirting with him like I was before.

Whateverrrr.

Save the drama fo yo mama.

I create enough of my own fucking boy drama, I don't need yours... Though I kind of created that too.

FUCK boys.

I told him we were fine, whatever. I paid him a little more attention so he would calm the fuck down. I do NOT need work drama.

*sigh*

Haven't eaten anything yet today, and I'm contemplating things.

I think this is the plan:

B: Bran cereal
L: Fruit
D: Tofu and the place we're going out to tonight, and possibly some alcohol!

I have to go to a wine tasting for work, which SUX because I don't want the calories, and I don't want to get drunk before work because my stomach is empty either.

Pretty sure I'll be spitting.

BUT, off to work out ladies!

I'll be catching up on all of your blogs tomorrow, and posting thinspo I've been savin' up!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I hate my Ex

What the fuck is wrong with me???

I texted my ex last night, and then immediately regretted it...

He didn't respond. I stalked his facebook on my brother's account. I waited. He's been hanging out with his ex girlfriend (the one he had before me that devastated him). She took her vacation to hang out with him, and judging by his pictures they did the same fucking things we did together. All the same places, even same photos.

And then I realized something, in the reading his posts, wall comments, etc, that I had forgotten.

He's.

Fucking.

CRAZY.

Then I texted him again and said, "I regret sending you that last text. I always think people will change, but I know they don't. Please forget this happened."

I can't talk to him!!!

What the FUCK was I even THINKING!?

This is what happens when I'm not in control... When I get that mia-high, I feel like I can do anything without consequences.

This is why ana is for me.

B: Grapes - 90
L: Salad and chicken - 150
D: ???

And I may drink some wine...OR at least loads of diet coke. :-)

Good luck today, loves!

Thinspo post soon!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Asian if my favorite cuisine to throw up

Today = major FUCK UP.

Went to work and had chicken salad... God only fucking knows what's in it... And some bread. Left work and went to McDonalds. Had chicken nuggets, fries, a fucking McFlurry and a sweet tea.

Came home, puked it alll up.

Probably one of the most unpleasant throw-ups I've ever had... Throwing up icecream is SO gross to me... Worse than any other food. Probably because it's sweet and biley at the same time and always still cold when I throw it up. EW.

Then swore off all food and that I would eat light at the Japanese place tonight with the brother. Did NOT eat light... Had a roll of sushi, half a tempura veggie app, and about a third of my rice, veggies, and meat from the hibatchi plate.

Came home and threw it allll up.

I've officially decided that Asian food is the easiest for me to mia. Something about little cut-up bits of food, rice, and the fact that I drink tons of water when I eat it that makes it simple for me to regurgitate easily, and I never really mind the taste.

But anyway... Calories today?

Who.

Fucking

Knows.

Dammit, Cally. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Know what it is? Mia is addicting, and I'm hooked.

There is no better feeling to me than eating what I want, stuffing my face, enjoying every bite, fully knowing that I'll be throwing it up. Nothing better than waiting a few minutes while I drink so much water, I think I'll pop. And then going into the bathroom, jiggling my insides, leaning over the toilet, and purging.

Even the word is amazing to me.

"Purge."

Love, love, love.

The feeling after, when I feel an amazing high, like I'm in control, like everything in the world is as it should be, is amazing to me.

But I need to stop.

I know it.

In other news...

I want to message my ex boyfriend... But I don't know why. It's probably been like a year since we've talked... I miss him.

I have more to say, but I don't want to say it now.

I suddenly feel very drained.

Later, my loves.

Saving for dinner

Work this morning... No food 'til dinner is the goal!

I'll post tonight and tell you how that went.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Family, wedding, ana, Tori

Today's family time: Not toooo terrible (as in, not like usual!) but still pretty bad.

Tomorrow I'm taking my brother out for dinner for his birthday.

I'm going to attempt not to eat anything until dinner time, but I have to wake up early because I work daytime tomorrow instead of night... And I know I'll be fucking ravenous... We'll see though.

My determination is really strong.

I was thinking about what I've eaten today, and normally with my family here I'd have eaten like twice as much... It's pretty nuts.

My mom was even, "We're going to pick something up at such-and-such a place, do you want anything? Why not? All you've had are bites of things today! You need to eat something! We'll buy you something, what do you want? Do you want something from somewhere else?"

I finally convinced here I just wanted to eat what I had here, and she laid off.

I've eaten too much as it is... I don't need more crap.

I'm on my way... Slowly but surely... Headed back to ana.

BUT, in other news... I made a wedding website, and I wish I could show you girls, but it's chock full of personal info, and I am so deathly terrified of someone I know being on here, being one of my followers or someone I comment regularly, that I cannot! Fear paralyzes me.

Plus I'm so obese right now, I would hate for you all to see my grotesque figure.

I do wish I could share it all with you ladies though, because planning my wedding makes me so incredibly happy.

Which is yet another reason why I need to hurry up and lose a shit ton of weight.

Jamaica + bikini's + fat body = SO bad.

But that aside... Celia, SavorySweet, and Sarah, you girls are all right in your comments on my last post about our old group of bloggers... I miss our original group, and it is always terrible to me when they disappear.

Where is Lolly? Where is Jenna? Where is Shimmery Slippers? I hate that they are all gone, no more posts or no more blog period. It's so sad to me, and I worry about them.

Don't leave me girls! Our original clan needs to stick together!

I adore you ladies.

Anyway, here is some thinspo... Tori Spelling because for some reason lately I'm obsessed with her and how she's always kept her little body so thin!






Those arms!!! Augh... Time to work out...

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Yet again, I find myself here

Today:
B: All-bran Bran Buds (41% of my daily fiber!) and skim milk - 110
L: Grapes (which took me like :45 to eat) - 90
D: We shall see... I'm going to bring cherries to work and a yogurt maybe.

All business aside...

It's beginning again... The obsession. The determination. The drive.

I know I'm about to dive full-force, head first into my ED.

Sometimes I struggle with it... Like lately... I go through a couple days where I don't eat a thing, followed by periods where I eat like a cow. Sometimes I try as hard as I can not to pig out when my body tells me it's starving. I struggle and cry and push, but I can't keep my eating under control.

I think one of the reasons I've been struggling so badly is that I just went back on BC and it's a new kind, so my hormone levels have been aaaall over the place...

But then sometimes... I go through periods when it all seems so easy.

I don't eat. I don't want to eat. Or I allow myself to eat, knowing I'll purge.

Last night I had a terrible moment.

I did okay all day... Bread was the only guilty food I'd eaten all day. And then my body was so HUNGRY I couldn't stand it. I ordered a steak and some pasta and pigged out.

And then I had another table, so I went over to greet them, and lo and behold, it was a guy I went to school with my freshman year of college, about 5 years ago. We chatted. What I've been up to, what I did in school, why I'm living here now, why I'm a server now...

And then I just felt lie I had to go purge. Like my life depended on it.

I went directly to the bathroom upstairs in the breakroom with every intention of throwing up until nothing was left.

But Kat and Paul were in there, and there's no WAY I could have gotten away with it.

So I peed, and took the guest elevator down to the guest bathroom (which is really where I prefer to throw up at work anyway, but we're not supposed to use them. Or the guest elevators for that matter) and did just that. By the time I got to the bathroom, I was so sick with myself that I didn't even have to try that hard to throw up.

I don't know what happened, but I just CRACKED.

I heaved and heaved until I was crying and then cleaned myself back up and went back to the floor.

And then last night, I had ED dreams all night. About scarfing down brownies and puking them back up, and trying to hide it, but not having an opportunity to throw up in peace and being panicked that my system was going to digest them before I could sneak away.

And today... Full returned resolve. I took back off those 2 pounds I gained, so I don't have to worry about them anymore, but it's not enough.. I'm not thin enough.

I have more to go.

This is probably the thinnest I've been in YEARS, but I just want to be a little thinner.

I want to be skinny.

Not chubby.

Not average.

I want to be thin.

And free.


The family is coming this week... Wish me luck with the eating, loves. I'll need it.

Will update ASAP!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Always posting how "I'm Back!"

I have not had a free moment to update in faaar too long... I HATE this.

My weight is up 2 pounds. I wanted to shoot myself for all the social eating I've been doing lately... I tried to purge as much as possible, but sometimes you just can't, ya know? It's amazing I've only gained 2 pounds, honestly. I need to stay HOME and not eat out so much! And I need to buy groceries for the fiance so he doesn't suggest we get fast food so often...

PHEW almost got caught...

Anyway... The fiance and I are planning a mega-expensive honeymoon, so the going out with friends and eating is going down in occurrence because we have to save every cent to afford what we want to do...

BUT anyway...

Today's eating plan:
B: 1 cup strawberries/half yogurt = 75
L: 1 cup cucumber with 2 tbsp balsamic = 26
D: Grilled romaine, and chicken at work = 145

And possibly some miso soup for 35.

I'm gonna fucking stick to this.

And NOW I'm going to go read your blogs, ladies!!! Woo hoo!

Oh, and PS I'll post all about the wedding soon!