Monday, August 17, 2009

Reached GW#1

No longer depressed today.

Over itttt. Like I said, fuck boys.

I just reached GW #1 today... The weight I said I wanted to be when I started all of this again back in February...

I'm still not completely satisfied though. (Shocking.) I want to lose 10-20 more pounds.

It's do-able... I want to be thin, thin, thin.

I got my wedding dress in the mail today, and it was too big. Like, a LOT too big. Like I have to budget in a tailor for the big day too big. I was ecstatic, but I wish I knew how it was going to look on me... It's absolutely beautiful.

I feel so happy to have noticed a change in my body lately... My self-esteem is through the roof, and I went through my clothes and threw out things that are too big that I never want to fit into again. I even need a new belt because the fiance had to poke another hole in the one I have now because it wouldn't hold up my pants.

I wish I could have taken it off quicker though... I tried so hard to be healthy about weight loss and I can't. I'm just an ED girl.

Survey time.

I AM:
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[x] - obsessive exercise bulimic
[x] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast

PEOPLE...
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic/ednos


I WISH...
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE...
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic
[ ] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[x] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[ ] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses.
[ ] I wear contacts.
[x] I would get plastic surgery.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[ ] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[ ] I'm single
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[x] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date
[x] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[ ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[x] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I'm addicted/ have been addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[x] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[x] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged
[x] Bulimia
[ ] Orthorexia
[ ] Over-exercising
[x] Binge eating
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[ ] I've fainted from exhaustion

I'VE DONE:
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[x] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine

OTHER QUESTIONS
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have an ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food, it's a love/hate relationship
[x] I want to be this way
[ ] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[x] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself

Survey #2
General
Age? 22
Height? 5'4"
Weight? Refuse to comment.
Lowest Weight? 125
Highest Weight? 155
What weight do you want to weigh? 120-110
What eating disorder do you have? EDNOS.
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average? Under 500 most days
Do you throw up your food on occasion? Probably about 4 times a week.
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress? I just want ot look like a skinnier me.
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track? Nope.
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight? Not teased, but said things.
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long? Yes, only a few days here and there.
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories? Occasionally.
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses? Chyeah.
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED? No.
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting? Nope, but I've definitely thought about it.
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder? Yes.

Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not? Yes.
What part of your body would you change? Everything.
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body? No, but it's a lot of it.
Because of your body appearance/weight, have you become severely depressed? Just this week.
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses? Yes. And random people in public, friends, etc. Pretty much everyone.


Health/Food
Do you think you eat healthy enough? No.
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs? YES. I always feel EXTREME guilt and know there are like a million cals too.
Fat grams? Not as much.
Calories? Yes.
Are you often tired/fatigued? Yup.
Do you feel more energized after eating food? Sometimes. Sometimes the opposite because I get so DEPRESSED.
Do you eat meat? Yes.
Do you eat your food in a certain way? Really tiny bites.
Do people tell you you look sick or famished? Sometimes.
Have you ever thrown up blood? Nope.
Is your heart bpm above 49? I have no clue.
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating? Nope.

Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders? Psht.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana? No opinion.
Do you have any other mental disorders? I don't think so.
What's your favorite food to eat? Grapes at the moment.
Favorite drink? Diet Coke.
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED? No.
Do you want to recover? No.

3 comments:

  1. Kudos on losing all that weight, I bet you'll look glamourous on the big day.

    Stay strong hun!

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. So glad you're over the depression and you are on to GW#2!!! Yay! Congrats girlie!

    You are going to look absolutely gorgeous in your gown!

    XO

    ReplyDelete
  3. congrats on gw#1!

    love the survey:)

    ReplyDelete