B: All-bran Bran Buds (41% of my daily fiber!) and skim milk - 110
L: Grapes (which took me like :45 to eat) - 90
D: We shall see... I'm going to bring cherries to work and a yogurt maybe.
All business aside...
It's beginning again... The obsession. The determination. The drive.
I know I'm about to dive full-force, head first into my ED.
Sometimes I struggle with it... Like lately... I go through a couple days where I don't eat a thing, followed by periods where I eat like a cow. Sometimes I try as hard as I can not to pig out when my body tells me it's starving. I struggle and cry and push, but I can't keep my eating under control.
I think one of the reasons I've been struggling so badly is that I just went back on BC and it's a new kind, so my hormone levels have been aaaall over the place...
But then sometimes... I go through periods when it all seems so easy.
I don't eat. I don't want to eat. Or I allow myself to eat, knowing I'll purge.
Last night I had a terrible moment.
I did okay all day... Bread was the only guilty food I'd eaten all day. And then my body was so HUNGRY I couldn't stand it. I ordered a steak and some pasta and pigged out.
And then I had another table, so I went over to greet them, and lo and behold, it was a guy I went to school with my freshman year of college, about 5 years ago. We chatted. What I've been up to, what I did in school, why I'm living here now, why I'm a server now...
And then I just felt lie I had to go purge. Like my life depended on it.
I went directly to the bathroom upstairs in the breakroom with every intention of throwing up until nothing was left.
But Kat and Paul were in there, and there's no WAY I could have gotten away with it.
So I peed, and took the guest elevator down to the guest bathroom (which is really where I prefer to throw up at work anyway, but we're not supposed to use them. Or the guest elevators for that matter) and did just that. By the time I got to the bathroom, I was so sick with myself that I didn't even have to try that hard to throw up.
I don't know what happened, but I just CRACKED.
I heaved and heaved until I was crying and then cleaned myself back up and went back to the floor.
And then last night, I had ED dreams all night. About scarfing down brownies and puking them back up, and trying to hide it, but not having an opportunity to throw up in peace and being panicked that my system was going to digest them before I could sneak away.
And today... Full returned resolve. I took back off those 2 pounds I gained, so I don't have to worry about them anymore, but it's not enough.. I'm not thin enough.
I have more to go.
This is probably the thinnest I've been in YEARS, but I just want to be a little thinner.
I want to be skinny.
I want to be thin.
The family is coming this week... Wish me luck with the eating, loves. I'll need it.
Will update ASAP!