Saturday, August 8, 2009

Yet again, I find myself here

Today:
B: All-bran Bran Buds (41% of my daily fiber!) and skim milk - 110
L: Grapes (which took me like :45 to eat) - 90
D: We shall see... I'm going to bring cherries to work and a yogurt maybe.

All business aside...

It's beginning again... The obsession. The determination. The drive.

I know I'm about to dive full-force, head first into my ED.

Sometimes I struggle with it... Like lately... I go through a couple days where I don't eat a thing, followed by periods where I eat like a cow. Sometimes I try as hard as I can not to pig out when my body tells me it's starving. I struggle and cry and push, but I can't keep my eating under control.

I think one of the reasons I've been struggling so badly is that I just went back on BC and it's a new kind, so my hormone levels have been aaaall over the place...

But then sometimes... I go through periods when it all seems so easy.

I don't eat. I don't want to eat. Or I allow myself to eat, knowing I'll purge.

Last night I had a terrible moment.

I did okay all day... Bread was the only guilty food I'd eaten all day. And then my body was so HUNGRY I couldn't stand it. I ordered a steak and some pasta and pigged out.

And then I had another table, so I went over to greet them, and lo and behold, it was a guy I went to school with my freshman year of college, about 5 years ago. We chatted. What I've been up to, what I did in school, why I'm living here now, why I'm a server now...

And then I just felt lie I had to go purge. Like my life depended on it.

I went directly to the bathroom upstairs in the breakroom with every intention of throwing up until nothing was left.

But Kat and Paul were in there, and there's no WAY I could have gotten away with it.

So I peed, and took the guest elevator down to the guest bathroom (which is really where I prefer to throw up at work anyway, but we're not supposed to use them. Or the guest elevators for that matter) and did just that. By the time I got to the bathroom, I was so sick with myself that I didn't even have to try that hard to throw up.

I don't know what happened, but I just CRACKED.

I heaved and heaved until I was crying and then cleaned myself back up and went back to the floor.

And then last night, I had ED dreams all night. About scarfing down brownies and puking them back up, and trying to hide it, but not having an opportunity to throw up in peace and being panicked that my system was going to digest them before I could sneak away.

And today... Full returned resolve. I took back off those 2 pounds I gained, so I don't have to worry about them anymore, but it's not enough.. I'm not thin enough.

I have more to go.

This is probably the thinnest I've been in YEARS, but I just want to be a little thinner.

I want to be skinny.

Not chubby.

Not average.

I want to be thin.

And free.


The family is coming this week... Wish me luck with the eating, loves. I'll need it.

Will update ASAP!

5 comments:

  1. i always break and eat when its a family event, so good luck!! i know youre stronger than i am hun, so im sure youll get through it.

    and sometimes more than other i feel like im losing my mind, but things always look up sooner or later.

    good luck!!


    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

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  2. Eating with family is tough but you can do it!

    4 leaf clovers over to you!

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  3. Oh I'm sorry you're struggling so much and having a hard time.

    I do have to say though, that I'm glad to hear from you (I just wish it could be in better circumstances). I'll support you in whatever you choose to do and I'm with you all the way.

    You really don't know how good it was to see your update... everyone from the old brigade is practically disappeared :(

    All my affection!

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  4. Yeah agreed with Savory, post more! Our old community pretty much all left us :(
    Good luck with the family thing, eat minimal if you have to eat at all. I know you can do it :)
    xx

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  5. You have returned, like myself and another blogger (can't remember which one but I commented). Be strong. Use the blog as accountability. We can achieve our aims. Sarah is right, so many from the last time I blogged have vanished...

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