Wednesday, December 30, 2009

2 pounds in 2 days

Still 2 pounds away from my goal, and I only have 2 days.

Probably not going to make it, but I'm still hopeful.

Today's intake plan:
B: Oatmeal - 100
L: Salad w/chicken - 175
D: Apple, Popcorn, Fudgesicle - 170
Total: 490

I should be able to do this easily and maybe less than this.

I'm going to take a treadmill/elliptical workout break today because I spent all morning cleaning my apartment and I'm working tonight and we're supposed to be SUPER busy, so I'm sure I'll exert loads of energy, and at this point I don't have a ton of it left. My body is pretty run down, and my energy level is really low.

Helloooo diet pills.

But I'm still going to try to do my ab workout tonight if I can manage... We shall see.

Gotta run, ladies. Think thin!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Best friends and magazines

It's amazing how a night's sleep can change your perspective completely. I guess I just needed to set the reset button.

Today was good.

I worked out this morning, my calories were low, and I texted MK and worked that all out... And I'll get over Laura like I ALWAYS do... She's like my fucking sister. And sometimes that's not a good thing.

AND I had a chatty-chat-chat with my best friend, and GOD why don't I call her more? I fucking needed it, lemme tell you it improved my mood by like a thousand times.

OH, and ladies... I got an amazing deal today (thus the link).

A year's subscription to Cosmo, Marie Claire, and Bazaar... FORFUCKINGTWENTY-FIVEDOLLARS! I am SO stoked. Monthly delivered thinspo times THREE! I did the process, checked the box, and then it asked of I would like to add Bazaar and something else for $5 each for the year. Um...YES! K, thanks! I'll totally take the Bazaar.

I am SO excited for 4-6 weeks to pass to start receiving magazines!

I also got some amazing body scrub at the store today to try and rid myself of cellulite.

Because I am stiiiiill a fatty, no matter how much weight comes off.

Speaking of which I didn't weigh myself today... Tomorrow I will.

Gotta run, ladies.

Thinspo is in order soon. Yes?

Monday, December 28, 2009

Lonely

I'm so depressed.

The workout only proceeded to make me hungry which lead to a mini-binge, but not a purge.

I don't have it in me, so tomorrow will have to fix today.

At least it wasn't hideous like earlier.

I'm miserable.

I feel SO alone here... I hate this fucking place.

And I miss my friends back home, and I am SO pissed that they don't understand what I'm going through here.

I know they can't right now, but I'm still bitter.

But mostly bitter that MK didn't even bother to tell me she wasn't coming to visit and then proceeded to act like the victim and get Laura involved as well.

I was to say, "Fuck them." but they're two of my best friends, and the honest truth is that I'm just hurt.

But this is one of those things that you can't handle long-distance over facebook, so I just have to act like I was joking and let it go.

I need the fiance to get home so I can have a mental break from myself.

God, I'm in need of a real friend.

Purge, purge, purge.

Today's intake: Through the fucking roof.

I purged my brains out... For about 5 straight minutes, no exaggeration.

It felt like hours.

And it left me completely physically and emotionally drained.

WHY do I binge and purge? It's not like it makes me feel good. It DOESN'T.

It used to. I used to feel an amazing high after a binge and purge, but now I can never predict how I'll feel. Either that blissful high I so desire or the lowest of guilty lows...

I feel EXTREME guilt while I am binging, all the while the little voice in the back of my mind saying, "You can purge. Purge. Purge." While my poor belly gets more and more engorged. The bloat making me feel like I'm crushing my intestines.

Then instead of feeling freedom in the fact that I can actually eat what I want, my brain goes into methodical mode.

"Chew, chew chew. Make everything that goes down nice and tiny. Oh, don't eat that, eat the calories that are pleasant to throw up. The things that absorb liquid easily, the small bits, the soft bits. Isn't it weird that you categorize food like that? Oh well. Don't think of that now. We have work to do. Drink the glass of warm water, not too much, there we go. Feel the wave of nausea. Don't burp. Use that gas to help throw up. Grab the toothbrush, fill a glass with water, have a towel nearby. And up it comes. Oh, and don't forget to brush after."

It's so fine-tuned now that it's easy. It's down to a choreographed routine that I can perform at a moment's notice, whenever the longing to eat overtakes me.

And the pivotal moment. Do I feel high or low?

Sometimes it's SO high. I feel on top of the world and like everything bad I have inside has just been flushed away. Like I can BREATHE again. Like everything makes sense and I'm in control. Like everything is righted and I'm right where I'm supposed to be doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

And then other times, I feel the opposite. I feel like crawling into a hole and withering away into nothing. I feel disappointed at myself and SO mad. I've fucked everything up. I was doing well. I know I'll gain if I don't stop the b&ping. My self-esteem plummets and I wish I could be someone else. ANYONE else besides the fat mess that I am. I wish I could be the thin, successful, desirable girl that I long to be. Why can't I be her?

And I never know which feeling will overtake me until I pull my head from the toilet bowl.

I'm mad at myself... I need to gain some fucking control. That's my problem.

I'm down a pound this morning... 2lbs away from my goal.

I need to not eat anything else today.

Today is definitely a low day.

I'm going to go work out. Namely because I need some endorphins.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Countdown

No food yet today, and I squeezed in an hour workout this morning.

I guess I did better than I thought yesterday because when I stepped on the scale this morning, my weight was 2 pounds less than 2 days ago.

I'm THREE pounds away from GW#2. Yesss!

I am hoping to get the last 3 off by the 1st... I know that's only 5 days away, but I can do it if I try hard enough... And the fact that I've been at the weight I'm at now for a while and kind of plateaued here while eating more than usual means that if I go back to SERIOUS restricting and working out, it will come off easily.

So that is my goal... My countdown to the new year. And regardless of what I am at, I'm going to tell you all my weight on the 1st... This seems trivial, but it's actually kind of terrifying. I still have a ways to go, but my resolution is to be more open, no matter how embarrassed I am. Or how paranoid I am that you all will go back to previous entries and start adding up the numbers and determine how fucking FAT I was...

I think I'll also do some pictures... On the 1st. It will motivate me more, I know for sure. Yes, temporary pictures after the first as well.

But all that aside, while I was at the gym this morning, I was reading People magazine's December 2009 issue, and ladies you have GOT to get it. We're talking some major thinspo. It has Halle Berry and Jennifer Aniston on the cove and a couple more women... It's their issue with the hottest women. SO inspiring.

But, I gotta run, ladies. I have to leave for work in an hour, and I need to swing by somewhere and get a salad... Hm, maybe Subway. That's a good idea...

Think thin, ladies!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Happy Holidays

Well, I haven't blogged in FOREVER.

The holidays have been insane, and I gained. Of course. I'm a fat cow.

However, it was not as much as I had been expecting with family there (and my mom monitoring every bite I took for a week) and all the activities that revolved around food.

It was stressful and hectic, but my gain was only around 3 pounds since my last posts whih puts me at 5lbs away from GW #2.

Measley 5 pounds... I should be able to do that SO easily... I need to focus.

Tomorrow begins my strict regimine again. I didn't do too terrible today, but I could have done better, and I WILL reach my goal.

I'll blog for real on Monday and get all caught up with all of you, ladies.

And thinspo.

I'm in need of some major thinspo.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Forgive me, bloggers, for I have sinned.

One hell of a bender weekend. Suffice to say, I hate the holidays. I am currently terrified of my scale, and will not be going near it for a few days, minimum.

But, in other news, I went to a J. Crew sale yesterday and a skirt I tired on was a 2.

A fucking TWO.

Amazing.

I felt so good, but at the same time bad because it's still not where I COULD be... I've been eating too much... Well not necessarily portions, but what I'm choosing to eat has too many calories.

And I have not been gyming like I need to.

Tomorrow starts back my gym routine (no time today... I have just about enough time to rush to work right now) and today, NO EATING AT WORK unless it's ana-approved food.

I've had some oatmeal this morning, and I'm going to bring an apple to work, but attempt not to eat any more today... I need to jump-start this loss again.

I have a holiday party in 8 days... I need to be thin by then.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Cheesy bread.

I binged. I purged.

I'm 2lbs away from GW#2.

Tomorrow I have an obligatory Christmas dinner at Kat's house.

No more food until then.

Calories for today: 155 for cereal, 45 for Popsicle and about a million for cheesy bread.

Oh, mia. Thanks again for saving me.

Maybe whatever I digested won't be over 300 cals... I worked hard to get it all out.

Friday, December 4, 2009

An actual update.

FINALLY a real update...

I have been doing SO well until Friday night. Oh, the dreaded weekend.

I got off work with a sore body and a longing to get wasted, and I made a HUGE error. I got stoned out of my MIND and ate and ate and ate for HOURS.

Literally hours, ladies.

Or at least it felt like that. Carbs and sugar and bread and cheese and fatty meat and all kinds of shit I should NOT be eating. I mean, I ate a freaking tuna melt. Are you KIDDING me!?

The next morning I was mortified. I couldn't even remember all I had eaten, nor did I want to. I did not want to calculate.

My waking thoughts were, "Scale! Now!" and then after that horrifying number, "Gym! Now!"

I worked out for a hour solid, non-stop until I was about to collapse and had to get ready for work.

Then I did not eat my entire shift at work.

And I ended my day with some cereal, brussel sprouts, and a rice cake at around 300 cals. (Which I burned more than that at the gym)

This morning, the scale says I've redeemed myself. Thank God.

I do not care to re-live that EVER again. No more weed for this girl.

In other news, in my quest for thinness, I have discovered a couple wonderful food options...

I was reading online the other day and it suggested turkey wrapped around pickles, SO I did some research and if you buy fat free turkey and dill pickles, you can eat a shit-ton for under 100 cals. The other day I ate 4 slices of turkey breast wrapped around 4 pickle spears for 100 cals. And you cal buy pickles that have ZERO calories! Isn't the crazy!? I guess the vinegar in them makes them have literally no calories when I looked into this.

So, ladies, buy pickles. Vinegar helps burn fat and they have flavor which is a nice change.

AND I did a little more research/experimenting, and I found a DIP/DRESSING that I deem ana approved. If you mix ranch dip mix (there are ones with ZERO cals) with fat free plain yogurt instead of sour cream, you get a mix that is only about 12 calories a TB. TWELVE. That's lower than most dressings.

And it's DELICIOUS and a little goes a long way!

So nice. Now you can have your deli trays.

BUT, in other news, this documentary is AMAZING if you are in need of a little tinspo. It's called "Ballerina" and it's amazingly beautiful... those girls are PERFECT.



It took me FOREVER to find it in English, but here you have it! (This is the first of 8 parts.)

I didn't eat for about 12 hours after watching it, so I hope it inspires all of you as well! I also added it to my links on the side there so you can all have the link available whenever.

But, alas, I must go ladies. I need to squeeze in a workout before work today and I need to start getting ready soon.

Think thin, girls!

So close to GW#2!

I've lost 2 more lbs... I want to talk about EVERYTHING right now, but I don't have time.
I'll update on Tuesday hopefully.

There is SO much I want to write about!

I've been doing well. :-D

Think thin, ladies!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Lack of Intake

I lost my gain weight. And I'm down an extra lb. Only 4 pounds away from GW#2.

I haven't eaten yet today.

And yesterday was essentially a fast day... I only had a little to eat late in the evening, but managed to go 24 hours without eating, so I consider that a decent fast for me.

Today I didn't have a plan... I just haven't eaten. I've been completely ignoring my body, knowing that if I can just push past the initial intense hunger that I can fast properly for a day.

I'm starting to get rrreally sluggish though...

I may need to throw in some food... The problem is what do I eat??? Could I B&P? Would that be terrible of me? It's been a really long time since I did... I could order some Chinese and eat until I'm popping and purge it all up. ...It's really grotesque but that actually sounds amazing to me...

I don't want to do that though... I need to stop purging. No, whatever I eat today I have to keep down... If I eat.

I'm going to bundle up and smoke a ciggy and decide on this...

Okay done.

I didn't decide. But alas...

Sometimes I feel like the biggest hypocrite sometimes. Or maybe that's not the right word... Sometimes I just feel like I struggle so hard to be the person I want to be. And I NEVER achieve it.

I want to be thin and beautiful and well put-together and organized and perfectly accessorized and I want to be organized and on top of everything and have everything under control at all times and have a clean house all the time and cook amazing meals for people around me and not eat a bite and have a job where I excel and people look up to me and want my position and where I can feel like I accomplished something by going to college.

But I feel like I'm NONE of these things.

I'm okay. I'm average. I'm not put together most of the time because I have no MONEY because I don't have a CAREER because I'm STUCK here! And the things I CAN change, like my weight, I struggle SO hard with. And I let things pile up around me and on top of me because I just get so OVERWHELMED with wanting more out of my life.

I want to be successful.

I want to achieve something with my life and body and be more than I am now.

Because right now I hate myself.

And I hate that I waste my potential.

235 cal meal just now... While writing this.

Glad I didn't binge at least.

I'm still so hungry...


EDIT:
2 hours later.
A binge, a purge, and everything is right in the world.