Sunday, November 27, 2016

Oh, Jay

Jay and I had a two week period where we barely spoke... I got upset and then did the girl thing where I told him I was upset and then refused to talk about it. He chased me.

Last night I went out with coworkers for a couple drinks. He followed me over and we ended up talking things through. I know he's messy, but I like him. I think he's smart and funny and nerdy and cute. I think he is interesting, and if I had my way, we'd spend more time together. He asked me about Wednesday, and I hope we end up doing something together...

I hoped last night he would kiss me. I wanted one. Badly. But it's too fragile right now, and I know that, so I let it go. I hope he was thinking about it also... I wish I would have cheek pecked him, but we started getting giggly and goofy right before I said goodnight to him.

I spent Thanksgiving away from the ex, drinking and being emotional but keeping myself under control. I hope I didn't make a fool out of myself, because I felt like maybe I was. I constantly feel that way lately...

Most days I don't know how to feel or what to feel, so I just wait. I don't make decisions, and I don't do things I don't want to do. I wanted to see the ex and the kids on Friday, so I took them all to lunch, but it wasn't what I wanted. It stresses me out to be with all of them. I end up throwing money at the situation and then running. I get uncomfortable. It's always stress with them. It's so dysfunctional in so many various respects that I feel myself wanting to run.

Last night he was texting me about other boys and being paranoid that they would get to touch me or what have you, and I ignored him. I was getting annoyed, and Ee told me, "Just don't respond then."  So, I didn't. And I didn't feel guilty. I felt free. And I enjoyed myself without checking my phone and without worrying about someone else for a single night. He wanted to come over tonight, and I said no. He asked me about Ee's birthday, and I said I wasn't going, but I didn't give him some big long reassuring story, and I told him from now on, I'm going to ignore the crazy texts.

I think that is part of the appeal of Jay... It's going slow, but it's genuine, and he doesn't seem to want to change who I am. He seems to like who I am, and every time I spend time with him, I feel genuinely bonded to him in a way that makes me scared to lose him. Sometimes I think the ex wants to change me as much as I want him to change his dysfunctional things. I want him to make healthy changes and he wants me to become something I'm not ever going to be... I think the physical violence came from somewhere that's not better, and I wonder it if ever will be. I don't think we truly love what the other person is. I think I've changed too much for the better and he hasn't changed enough. We fell in love with ideals that doen't exist. As for the future, who knows what people we will be... But right now it's not working. And I think it's more than just the drinking. I think he doesn't trust me and wants me to dress and act and talk a certain way that I'm not. I want to be faithful because I'm happy and not out of obligation or feeling like I should behave a certain way.

With Jay, I am honest, and he takes it. He's honest with me, and I can tell. He opens up to me... He tells me private things, and I find myself telling him private things in return. And before I can feel weird about it or like it makes me a worse person, he says something to make it feel ok. He told me last night I'm different from all of our coworkers. "All of them" he said and motioned into the building. He told me, "You're amazing."

I have such a nice time spending time with him. We nerd over science and our favorite TV shows and just talk about random shit, and it feels effortless. It feels like it did with Bogart, except with Bogart I wasn't attracted to him. That has been the case with all the fuck boys - I'm either attracted and it's hard af to have the relationship, or it's effortless, but I'm not attracted. With Jay it feels like both. I'm crazy attracted... I'm practically slapping myself in the face for not trying to kiss him last night. And I re-live that night in my car a LOT lately... And it's effortless. And he's told me when it's not to get mad at him and call him out. Who does that??

But still I don't know how to feel... Maybe I just never do...

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Blue Jay

I like Jay. I don't want to...

We've been talking almost daily, and we went out for drinks on Friday. I could tell at the bar that he wanted to kiss me, but I didn't expect anything to really happen. I was hoping for maybe a peck, or at the most a few minutes of kissing. The last time we went out for drinks, he didn't kiss me at all or even walk me to my car, so I wasn't holding my breath. I had been questioning if he was even interested until this week when he was drunk texting me telling me how gorgeous I am and how every time he sees me he fantasizes about going down on me, which blindsided me a little.

Friday he walked me to my car and pulled me in for a hug, standing next to my car with the driver's door open, and didn't let go. He made a little shaky breathing noise, and suddenly we were kissing. I have tried to figure out who kissed whom, but I think we both just kissed each other. Then he started making out with me. He was hungry and aggressive and passionate. I peeked at him, and he was enjoying himself, in the moment, and so hungry...

That went on for a few minutes, and then he pulled away. I expected him to say he had to go, because that's his style. He's been taking things with me much slower than other boys do. We've been talking for weeks, and that was only the first time he kissed me... I expected him to draw a line like he has been... But he didn't. He instead closed my driver's door and opened the door to my back seat and basically all but shoved me in there. I leaned into the front to slide the passenger seat out of the way because it was leaned back rather far, and when I turned back around he was pulling me in and kissing me with his hands all over my body. He was rubbing me and grabbing on my tits, and the next thing I knew he was practically ripping my pants off. He pushed me back into the corner of the back seat and started eating me out. He was SO aggressive, I could barely handle it. I was wasted and exhausted, and still it was amazing... He hugged me after. And I mean HUGGED me. And then he got weird and apologetic and I pulled him back in for another and took one. I needed it as much as he did. It was romantic and not just sexual, which was the nice part about it.

Now I don't know what to do... He's been texting me constantly lately. Every day we talk. Except today... Today I'm sad because we haven't... Today every time my phone goes off, it's the ex, and I'm annoyed.

I guess things got messy, and I think he has a girl that was around before I showed up. I think I word vomited a little last night out of fear. I think I'm the homewrecker. He's told me, "I don't know what we are. We've hung out a few times, and I don't think it's going anywhere. I feel guilty, even though I know I shouldn't." It's messy... Because I don't know whether to think he has a girlfriend or to believe him that there's no title and it's a complicated scenario. I don't know if he won't fuck me because he's fucking her... I tried to get him to let me fuck him or to come home with me and he said he can't. He wouldn't. It makes me feel shitty, but I guess I should just enjoy whatever I get from this, and maybe I'll win this one in the end... One thing's for sure tho, I won't win if I freak him out...

I told him I don't expect that to happen again. But that he better not cut me off. He promised he wouldn't and that he will take me to happy hour soon.

I guess all I can do is wait and see... I want to talk to him today, but I think he needs space... Maybe I need space.

Sunday, November 6, 2016


Sometimes people think because your a pretty girl that you must not have feelings. That because you're strong they don't have to watch out for them. It sucks to be a girl. It sucks to be rejected harshly and by someone who seems to enjoy the process of rejecting you so much. 

Daniel is insane. I know that. But it doesn't make it hurt less. I don't know why or how I even got attached, but the severe rejection hurts...

A house full of miserable people... I didn't belong there. Maybe I don't belong anywhere. The things I have to do to fit in with people like that are too much for me. I feel like a freak or a reject. Like the same old sad girl in high school that didn't know how to act. I guess I still don't... 

Do I think of the ex as a fallback or a real option?? What kind of life do I want?? 

I guess this is the process for figuring those things out. It's miserable. But I get one step closer each time. I know it's no Adam for me, and now no Daniel. 

If Jay doesn't hang out with me today, then he's off the list too, and if we hang out and nothing happens, same outcome.