Monday, July 20, 2009

Gave in, but not binged.

Ate some carrot cake.

It put my day at around 650.

Not wonderful.

Granted, not terrible.

But not what it could have been.

I was going to purge it, but the BF was at the fucking door as soon as I went into the bathroom when I finished eating it.

FUCK.

I'm off to do abs.

Tomorrow will be better, and I will NOT eat more cake, even if I have to throw it away or "accidentally" drop it on the floor.

FUCK ME.

Mirrors

I've been TOTALLY outta commission because the BF and I have had the same days off each week so far. BUT soon, very soon, we'll get things balanced again, and I can blog once again.

I have been doing pretty fucking well...I'm down a couple MORE pounds, and I haven't gained at all. We even went away for a weekend, and I ate more than I normally allow myself... And I maintained!

The mia hasn't been terrible... I did last night, but it was okay because I haven't in a long time. However... Tonight the BF wants me to bake for him... Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. Which is one of my FAVORITE desserts... So FUCK. We'll see how I do with that...

My food intake lately has been as follows:

B: 75 (no more)
L: 200-250ish
D: ???

I don't know exactly what my cut-off for cals per day is... I try to keep my calories as low as possible, which is HARD at work because of all the fucking food all around... But lately I get a side of grilled romaine with lemon vinaigrette on the side because it's only about 15 cals a serving without the cheese which I never get and bring some instant soup packets that are 35/45 cals. IF that was all I ate, I'd be good, but there are always bites of this and that and tasting the new menu items... And by the time I get home, I've eating something not ana-approved... I'm getting better tho.

BUT... I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I'm becoming even MORE neurotic (didn't know THAT was possible) about my weight. I weight myself like a million times a day, and I strip my clothes off every morning, look at myself in the mirror, scrutinize my body, weight myself, and that determines what kind of day I have.

The BF has noticed my mood changes... My sex drive is a big fat ZERO... I don't know... I just want to be smaller. I want to feel SEXY. And the more I try to feel that way, the less I do.

But he has no idea that I have an ED and that's my issue. He actually told me the other day, "You could never be anorexic. You like food too much."

I wanted to burst into tears, but I laughed instead.

He sees my binges. He sees me drink alcohol and smoke weed and loose inhibitions and eat whatever the fuck I want. And he doesn't notice when I don't eat... Only when I throw up. He still listens at the bathroom door, but I know this, so I don't at home unless I have a moment alone in the house.

He doesn't notice how much I hate the mirror.





Thursday, July 9, 2009

Thank God I'm loosing.

Down a whopping 4.5 pounds this morning when I stepped on the scale!!!

Yesterday's intake was 625 cals... Damn good for me lately.

So far today I've had some strawberries and lowfat yogurt, so that's about 65 cals.

I think the BF wants to cook chicken and some other stuff, so the goal is measure, count, pick.

But I have to run and take the dog out... Always the stupid dog when the BF isn't here and I can properly blog!!!

Real update on Sunday.

Possibly fake update later.

Love you ladies!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Fuck food.

I ate a taco, some tuna, and poptarts.

And then threw it aaalll up.

Fuck my body. It can't tell me it needs food. I'll tell it when it can get food.

So there you go... I tricked it.

My bloodsugar feels better, but I won't digest all too much...

Shower time.

Dizzy

I feel so sick.

I tried to make coffee, but the pot almost blew up or something and started spewing coffee everywhere. SO I gave up.

Now I feel light-headed and dizzy and like I am going to die.

I have to eat something...

Barely anything, but still... I obviously am not at a place where I can water fast all day yet.

FUCK.

I feel like I'm beginning to faint right now.

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

"Thin," coffee, ciggy, no food

SO.. No food today.

Not a bite.

Well, scratch that. I had 2 "bites" of fajita steak, but I spit it all out and rinsed my mouth out. So, no bites digested.

I have to fix yesterday.

Yesterday at work, I fucking ate, so I didn't get to do the detox juice. I started feeling REALLY shitty and so sick and dizzy. Hunger overtook me. There was a burger that the cooks made by accident, and I fucking binged like a mofo on it. Then threw it up. Started feeling sick again. Ate some Spaetzli with mushrooms and onions, some blueberry tart that Cook C wanted me to taste-drive... I didn't want to eat anything, but I just couldn't help it... My blood-sugar got so low, and then once I started with the fucking burger-trigger-food... I couldn't stop.

And then when I got home, the BF had cooked, so I ate some bread with cheese and sauce.

I truly gave into the hunger yesterday. I tried not to, but I couldn't stop once that first bite happened.

SO, today I told myself no juice. If I can't do the juice for a fucking day, then today I can't eat anything.

I've had only water, and I'm going to try to just do juice tomorrow. Though the BF might make me eat solids, so we'll see... I don't know if I can do it.

I have to make up for things. I have to fix how shitty this has gotten. How bad I've let myself get. I mean, look what I ate yesterday... All carbs. Fucking kill me now.

I'm so TIRED of being fat. I'm so tired of seeing thin people around me and thinking, "I could look like them if I only tried hard enough." I'm so tired of wanting to wear a bikini in public, but being too fat to do it and having a breakdown before I go out every time. I'm so tired of crying in the shower because I absolutely hate my body. I'm so tired of worrying about every stitch of clothing I wear because I know it could make me look fatter than I am. I'm so tired of stepping on the scale absolutely dreading what it will say. I'm so tired of not being and feeling thin and sexy.

I'm just SO tired of it all, and it has GOT to stop. No more of this bullshit.

FUCK me.

BUT, that aside... If anyone is interrested, you can watch the HBO documentary "Thin" online here. That's the link to part one, and then you can just click the other parts in the window that comes up when a part is done.

It's a SUPER raw documentary. It's actually a little much to handle, but it's good. Those girls are SO fucking thin... I'm honestly jealous when I watch it, but I don't want to be that messed up in the head...

But I guess I am, aren't I?

I can totally identify with them in a lot of spots in the movie in the one-on-one scenes...

Anyway, as you can see, it's makeing me analyze myself a bit, so if you don't want that, I'd advise not to watch it.

Oh, and I'm surrently reading "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher, and it's excellent. I know this is going to sound messed up, but I've been using read it as an reward for good eating days... Before I go to bed, if I did well, I can read it, if not, I can't. It's a really sad/beautiful book. She's an amazing writer...

BUT, I have the day off today, and the BF is at work, and lemme tell you, it's amazing to have some time alone... I used it today to watch the movie, write in here, and start a thinspo scrapbook. I know the scrapbook sounds SO childish, but I need reminders.

And a bracelet... I also need a fucking bracelet.

And a ciggy. And a shower. And to go work out. And some fucking Splenda. And coffee.... Is that cheating on today? I've only had water. I'm crashing though with no caffeine... I may brew a pot and then see what happens.

First half a ciggy though, and clean up the mess I've made with the scrapbook.

I need some love, ladies... And I'm sending a TON your way. *MUAH!*

Monday, July 6, 2009

Detoxing

New resolve today.

I got so wasted at the party yesterday I can't even remember what I ate or how much.

Chevy was there, and that was rough and made me kind of emotional, so I just kept drinking and drinking. And then when I get drunk I let myself eat whatever the fuck I want.

Chevy kissed me on the cheek when he left.

Augh.

Emotional/drunk eating!!!

But I need to put the past behind me.

So I'm going to.

Today's a new day. Today is day one of my new diet to boost weight loss.

Detox juice for 2 days.
Fruits and veggies for 2 days.
Fruits, veggies, meat and dairy for 2 days.
Back to 500 cals a day. (barely any carbs)

I'm going to fucking stick to it.

No more shitty behavior. Being thin is worth every moment of being hungry.

Thinspo. Because I need it.




Sunday, July 5, 2009

Party Pooper

Today's plan???

No fucking idea.

I don't know how to come back after yesterday. I was planning a fast, but with the drinking I have to do today at Spike's party, I have no idea what to do...

I don't want to get super-wasted because there's no food in my system.

But I don't want to EAT.

I'm going to go do so many ab workouts that my muscles are super sore and tense all day so I'll have a little more definition.

I'm gonna go try on swimsuits and see if I'm too fat to wear one...

I think I'm going to try not to eat any solid food today.

Fail.

I totally binged today.

God I hate myself. I'm about to cry typing this...

It's like once I eat one bad thing in my day, I keep eating complete shit because I think, "Well, I already blew today."

I'm such a fucking failure, and I'm never going to be thin if I keep it up.

Intake today??? Probably like 1700 cals.

FUCK me, that's awful... I ate complete shit.

I'm such a fat cow...

I truly hate myself.

I've been doing so well too... What the fuck came over me???

I need a new bracelet to remind me.

Now I'm going to look like shit tomorrow in my clothes.

I'm going to go take a lax and cry because there's no way in hell I can wear a bikini tomorrow now.

Nope.

Fuck you, Cally.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Bound

It's been a looong past 2 months, ladies.

Very fucking long.

I've had the worst emotionally heart-wrenching experiences of my life, but things are looking up now... Hopefully...

The BF is back to being just the BF... No longer the Fiance.

It's a very long story, and I'm not even going to pretend to blame it all on him, because a LOT of it is me. BUT, basically I'm tired of him being 25 and not doing anything with his life. I'm tired of taking so much care of him. I'm tired of NO privacy because he didn't work for TWO AND A HALF MONTHS. I'm tired of him saying he'll go back to school, pay off his loans, all kinds of crap and not doing it.

SO, I started giving up.

Slowly, one day at a time, I began giving up. And then I let myself get WAY too close to Chevy. He's an AMAZING guy, and SO fucking hot, and with things going bad between the BF and I, it was sooo tempting. Especially since he likes me so much and pays a lot of attention to me and we honestly have a wonderful connection on a LOT of different levels...

He still likes me. Even last night he asked me about the BF and what's going on. And I asked him if he's moving away like he's talked about. And anyone could tell we were asking more than those questions. His answer was "I have a lot to sort out." And my answer was "Things are okay. A little better."

It's terrible, but I am pushing Chevy away slowly but surely... And I honestly hope he moves. There for a while, I was honestly trying to get with him. I know he's not the kind of person I would date, but he's just so... Charming and appealing. And believe me, I drank a lot and there were a couple nights where something might have happened if it weren't for a couple random factors...

But I don't want to be with Chevy. I want to be with my BF, as long as things change like he's promised. And I've told him that if they don't change, I'm leaving him. I cannot take things like they've been for the past few months.

And, am I content with that? Yes. I know my BF is SUCH a perfect match for me, and while I might be attracted to Chevy, I know he's not the person for me. I know anything that happened between him and myself would be overly dramatic and short-lived.

I love my boyfriend. He's an amazing person, and I know that no one will ever love me as deeply as he does, and I'm not going to just throw that away.

So, I'm listening to my heart AND my head.

My only dilema with all of this now is that I've been shit-talking the BF for about a month while all of this was going on, so everyone thinks things are a little worse than they are right now... But after a few more days of singing his praises and telling everyone who knew things were bad that they've changed, it should be okay... And my amazing new manager at work is having a party tomorrow, and I invited the BF so everyone could see us together and see how we're okay now.

Speaking of party, I'd hoped to loose some fucking weight by tomorrow, but no. Over the past 2 months, I've only maintained, which makes me feel disgusted with myself, but I'm not going to give up...

I have the will-power to lose weight. To be thin. The be beautiful. And I'm going to make it happen.

Now that all this shit with the boys is worked out, and the BF has a new job, I can focus on myself... And stop fucking emotional eating!!! AND I should have a little more privacy now since he'll be working, and I can update on here more which honestly helps me to focus a LOT.

SO, this is a new chapter. A new day. Life is getting better, and all that's left to work on is myself. My weight. My body.

Starting fucking TODAY!

I'm going to bring some food to work so I don't eat fucking bread while I'm there like last night. Augh.

SO food today:

B: Cereal - 70
L: Sauteed Mushrooms and onions - 110
D: Crackers/Fruits/Veggies, something... 300ish

No more than 500 cals!!! FUCK no!

I'm about to go do my ab workout and take my doggie out before I have to go to work.

I plan on updating myself on all of your lives tomorrow, unless the BF has the day off.

Love you ladies!

Think Thin!