First call out one month in

Why do I always feel like I could just run away from my entire life?? Like I want to escape everything. 

I love being alone. I love when no one wants anything from me. 

So much of my childhood was spent like that. Endless hours of no expectations of me, to the point where I set some expectations myself - I think out of boredom and longing for praise. 

Then there were high expectations in times of pressure. Competitions, adults having issues, solving problems for others I should not have known existed. There was no middle. I was neglected or in the spotlight. 

God, that’s really horrible…!!

It was bad for me. It trained me that you just switch it on and off. I’m either on or off all the time - it set a standard for on that is VERY on. And normally I can do it. Decades of practice… Normally I am so on that I’m blowing others out of the water. My baseline is damn near perfect, regardless of how much of a piece of crap I appear to be in my blog… Despite the things I cope with. I’m shockingly strong and resilient when I’m on. I can be on for long stretches and barely disappoint a soul, and then manipulate my off to look like it’s something completely outside of my control. 

Not today. Today I am just OFF. 

And I will say, lately the things making me have any off days ARE very valid things. My off days have not been self-inflicted in months. I have come a very long way, and my burnout is decreasing.

But, I think the danger days are a big thing. I think I need to start taking this day off work in advance monthly. I have a huge ass hormonal problem every month, regardless of how good I treat my body. So yeah, I’ve eliminated off days due to my own behavior, but genetics are giving me one day a month or so that I cannot fucking control myself. I’m sore, angry, flaring, having migraines, having nightmares and panic attacks, hating everything, and wanting to literally run away. I cry non-stop over dumb shit for like 2 days.  

The husband was annoyed with me this morning. I can tell. I told him when I started this job he can hold me accountable. That if I was just malingering, he could push me. I was malingering in March at BC. I was malingering the day I got terminated. I told him to gently push. He did this morning. But when he could see I was just not even trying to talk to him about it and not getting out of bed and just completely not giving a fuck about life, he just left it. That’s how I know I’m not malingering - when I don’t try to suck up to him, it’s because I’m valid not doing it mentally today for anyone. Like ima tell my baby I’m here if needed and attend to any request he comes and makes of me, but that’s it. I’m not even gonna feed myself today aside from pills. 

I played up everything a bit to stay home, but for real I needed to stay home today. I disassociated when I clicked send on the email... 

Because like bro, I’m not fucking up behavioral at all lately - I’m very much staying in my diet to the point it should not be an issue. I’m staying physically active and taking care of my body. So today is definitely hormones. Friday was. All weekend was. But I know yesterday and today are the worst of it, and it’s probably better for everyone if I don’t show up and ruin everything for myself. Because I know today I would. Friday I could not keep my fat mouth shut. I was annoying. I was mean. Yesterday I was both as well, without cause. 

And today I just literally can’t fight it anymore. I need to be depressed today. I haven’t done this in months. Like 3 months I have had to work my ass off. So today I’m allowed. Then no more call outs. And I know I say that every time, but I think I’m truly at that place now in my life. Feels weird. 

There are plenty of built in days off. I’m still doing well. I’m allowed a day. It’s my life. And all the things I deal with… I think I deserve a day. Where I don’t even break any of the rules… I just sleep? Interact with my baby? Like fuck it bro. 

I took anything sedating I could find in my house just now. I didn’t help with getting ready this morning. I plan to be in this bed as much as I can until tomorrow morning. 

Sleep time, love you all. 

Bro

Am I going to be ambivalent about every human I know til I die? I think I’m fucked up. I don’t have anyone I couldn’t replace. 

I love my husband truly, but I could also leave him. I bitch about him a lot in here. It’s the worst of it in my head - this is where I come to dump it. But realistically those perspectives also exist. And sometimes he’s so fucking grating to be with. He’s whiney and throws tantrums, and I know different exists in the world. 

I feel lonely lately. We’re supposed to have a date day today and if he ruins it I will never forgive him. 

New beginnings and beggings

I'm starting a new job. At my son's school. I have no idea what I'm getting myself into in some ways, and in some way I think it will be perfect, and I'm prepared. I don't think it's going to feel daunting. My responsibility is low, the job is more fun, creative and active, and it's so close to my house, logistics will be easy. But attendance... 

My only real fear is that I have a reputation there. A good one. And I really don't want to fuck it up. My husband even said as much. I had a conscious thought last night that I need to not talk to my coworkers about my personal life or him. I need to leave a layer of huge mystery. I will discuss everyone else, but not my life unless I'm telling someone how much I'm killin' it. 

I want to be seen as perfect. And I think right now a lot of them view me as that. 

At his school, I'm friendly. I'm outgoing and engaging and smile and joke and laugh and have the aesthetic down. I show up in my cool sneakers and perfect jeans and fun top with my short hair mop swinging, and a huge smile on my face. My face painted, smelling of expensive perfume, nails done. I swoop in acting nice, and never once show anger. I've been very logical there, very communicative, and very friendly. For 2 years. I grab the attention of everyone in the room, because regardless of what's happening, I appear... confident. 

Even tho I'm definitely not. And I do this everywhere... But the reality is that to me, it never feels as vital as it does in that building...

So regardless of what is going on with me, for 40 hours a week, I need to hardcore mask. This is my most important role in life. If people think I'm a bad employee or coworker, they will think I'm a bad mom or wife also. They will start to think that I don't have my shit together, and it will all crumble. My reputation will be shattered. 

I'm just like Ivy in a lot of ways. I think that's why I was struggling with how I was feeling about her the other week - it was straight up projection. I like to tell myself I'm better than her in that I'm not so materialistic, but I think she and I are cut from the same cloth, in reality. I just didn't marry for money.

But the nagging question of who is it all even for?? Just anyone that may happen upon me in life. I think that's me on some level. It's a performance for anyone who's eyes may grace my presence in the world. 

And I was not able to acquire perfection in the house or kids or car or money or lots of other areas. So I do it where I can. I was the pretty one before, the smart one, the one with drugs, the artistic one, the capable one. Because I could never be the rich one. 

So I just made do. I mastered being poor and still somehow appealing and cool a long time ago in life, and I tried for a long time to think the poor part would go away, but it's not... I'm just destined to a life of being smoke and mirrors. 

I'm not like Ivy in that I DO have friends... 

I have some people I let see behind the curtain, but they are few. And most of them just get a flash. I think since E and I are not friends anymore, my safest place is gone. I was extremely real with him without hesitation, and he was good with it. The rest I have hesitation over.

Emma is very straight edge and judgey about things she doesn't agree with. Renee has been my friend forever, but she has always been competitive with me. The M's are perfect and innocent. Robin I am probably the realest with (I am, actually...), but she is low-key in love with me. So none of my closest confidants in life even get to see what's in the inner sanctums of my mind. Fuck, like even only Robin knows I smoke weed ffs. 

So let's see if I can keep up the image at his school with so many people watching. Losing weight has made me have a way easier time with this thought - like I know I'm pretty rn, so as least I have that in the bag going into this... 

My weight IS actually at a good place. And my eating feels under control lately. 

The shots took about 25lbs off my body since June. I'm sitting in my healthy weight range. I've stayed here a month. The fluctuation has only been 3lbs, and I have been counting calories casually, but not religiously. I'm looking for 1,400 as opposed to 500. I'm still avoiding binge foods and ones that I know are bad for me, and I'm portion controlling well. And I'm tapering off the shots, which you don't need to, but I'm trying to be very analytical about my mood, thoughts, and patterns and not just stop it when I still may need a small amount of support. 

I'm worried about rebound hunger. 

The first month of this medication, my appetite was nothing. No food cravings - it just makes food not exist to you. So the weight pours off. Then once you stop it, some of the thoughts come back. So I'm trying to follow through with what I have noticed before. I'm trying to still follow the guidelines of eating, not because if I don't the medication will literally make me sick, but because clearly it has worked well. 

I only had a very small dose this week, and it's PMS week, and I've still managed to do ok with my eating, but it's scary feeling inside. There has been more back in forth in my mind and craving or portion thoughts... But I have done well. 

It's so fucking hard not to be disordered about food and weight.