Why do I always feel like I could just run away from my entire life?? Like I want to escape everything.
I love being alone. I love when no one wants anything from me.
So much of my childhood was spent like that. Endless hours of no expectations of me, to the point where I set some expectations myself - I think out of boredom and longing for praise.
Then there were high expectations in times of pressure. Competitions, adults having issues, solving problems for others I should not have known existed. There was no middle. I was neglected or in the spotlight.
God, that’s really horrible…!!
It was bad for me. It trained me that you just switch it on and off. I’m either on or off all the time - it set a standard for on that is VERY on. And normally I can do it. Decades of practice… Normally I am so on that I’m blowing others out of the water. My baseline is damn near perfect, regardless of how much of a piece of crap I appear to be in my blog… Despite the things I cope with. I’m shockingly strong and resilient when I’m on. I can be on for long stretches and barely disappoint a soul, and then manipulate my off to look like it’s something completely outside of my control.
Not today. Today I am just OFF.
And I will say, lately the things making me have any off days ARE very valid things. My off days have not been self-inflicted in months. I have come a very long way, and my burnout is decreasing.
But, I think the danger days are a big thing. I think I need to start taking this day off work in advance monthly. I have a huge ass hormonal problem every month, regardless of how good I treat my body. So yeah, I’ve eliminated off days due to my own behavior, but genetics are giving me one day a month or so that I cannot fucking control myself. I’m sore, angry, flaring, having migraines, having nightmares and panic attacks, hating everything, and wanting to literally run away. I cry non-stop over dumb shit for like 2 days.
The husband was annoyed with me this morning. I can tell. I told him when I started this job he can hold me accountable. That if I was just malingering, he could push me. I was malingering in March at BC. I was malingering the day I got terminated. I told him to gently push. He did this morning. But when he could see I was just not even trying to talk to him about it and not getting out of bed and just completely not giving a fuck about life, he just left it. That’s how I know I’m not malingering - when I don’t try to suck up to him, it’s because I’m valid not doing it mentally today for anyone. Like ima tell my baby I’m here if needed and attend to any request he comes and makes of me, but that’s it. I’m not even gonna feed myself today aside from pills.
I played up everything a bit to stay home, but for real I needed to stay home today. I disassociated when I clicked send on the email...
Because like bro, I’m not fucking up behavioral at all lately - I’m very much staying in my diet to the point it should not be an issue. I’m staying physically active and taking care of my body. So today is definitely hormones. Friday was. All weekend was. But I know yesterday and today are the worst of it, and it’s probably better for everyone if I don’t show up and ruin everything for myself. Because I know today I would. Friday I could not keep my fat mouth shut. I was annoying. I was mean. Yesterday I was both as well, without cause.
And today I just literally can’t fight it anymore. I need to be depressed today. I haven’t done this in months. Like 3 months I have had to work my ass off. So today I’m allowed. Then no more call outs. And I know I say that every time, but I think I’m truly at that place now in my life. Feels weird.
There are plenty of built in days off. I’m still doing well. I’m allowed a day. It’s my life. And all the things I deal with… I think I deserve a day. Where I don’t even break any of the rules… I just sleep? Interact with my baby? Like fuck it bro.
I took anything sedating I could find in my house just now. I didn’t help with getting ready this morning. I plan to be in this bed as much as I can until tomorrow morning.
Sleep time, love you all.
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