Sunday, February 12, 2017

Self-loathing, as usual

I feel lonely today... Very lonely... But at the same time, the thought of people gives me anxiety.

I ran away from work as soon as I could today, went off to buy myself too many birthday presents and spent too much money. I ate shitty food I shouldn't be eating.

I feel depressed, overwhelmed, and tired. I feel exhausted by life.

I've had anxiety for days, and I don't know how to shake it. I feel like everything I do is wrong, I'm ugly and stupid, and I don't know how to make decisions or take care of anything. I feel overwhelmed with the amount of things I need to do, and I can't find the motivation to do any of them. I feel frazzled, and I miss CS, and I want him back, but I don't know how to reformat my life to have him, or if I even should... I need the world to stop spinning for a moment and let me get off. I need to throw up. I need to cry. I need to laugh. I need to do drugs and drink...

I want people to like me, but I don't care if they really do...  I want to do well in school, but lately I don't care if I even do... I need to do things and get myself settled and straightened out, but I have no focus.

I miss him.

I don't want all these stupid ass fuckboys I've been hanging out with - fucking Adam again, making out with Brandon, and getting so caught up in their dumb shit that I miss deadlines...

I just want him. I want to have the life with him that we had planned. And I want the next chapter in my life to be here already. I want the settled down me. I want to be a grownup.

But since that's not happening quickly enough, I find myself being a complete fucking child. Partying and being a moron and making stupid fucking choices...

I hate myself.

When all other things change, that one fact remains the same. I hate myself.