Sunday, March 15, 2015

Life is messy

I feel weird today.

The boyfriend and I had the spatty little moment I knew was coming... Glad it's over, so that the elephant in the room is gone, but still...

I took off spring break to focus on school, and he copped an attitude about me not going to work and about my scheduling lately, though we both know my finances are not the ones in question this month and he shouldn't even be saying anything... He's partly right, and I know where he's coming from, but neither one of us are used to me being the one who needs a kick in the right direction, and he gets a little on the attack side. And when I already feel insecure about what's going on with me, it doesn't go over well. He could never be as hard on me as I am on myself, so anything he says about my behavior just makes me want to scream and vomit simultaneously.

But I get what he was saying and the jealousy involved as well. I'll talk to him tonight, and we'll get everything straight, but I was spitting venom this morning...

My goal to lose weight this week was a disaster. I really don't want to discuss it, but instead of fulfilling my goals, I got depressed and had countless anxiety attacks and binged for two days and I got extremely backed up and had to take a laxi last night and today I feel like garbage.

I feel like garbage in a lot of respects... I have a lot of responsibility right now, and I;m not doing a great job at balancing everything at the moment. I know it will work out, but it's taking longer than I wanted, and it's frustrating.

I need to get serious about losing weight and about money and school and stop letting my depression hold me back. I need to stay on top of my goals and finances, or I won't survive this. I need to start rewarding myself for things instead of using comfort to cope when I just feel nasty - which is like all the time.

And I need a day with my boyfriend the kids. All 4 of us and no life distractions!!!


Saturday, March 14, 2015

My goal when I was young, wasn't to be a therapist. It was to be a patient.

When I was a child, I was afraid of monsters underneath my bed.

I would stand at the doorway to my room at bedtime, and stretch as far as I could and leap onto my bed, absolutely convinced that a bodiless monster would reach long arms out and grab my feet and pull me under the bed. I don't know where I got this scenario - there was never a movie or show or story that portrayed this that I specifically remember... I simply made it up.

I was afraid of something lurking in the shower behind the curtain or directly behind me. Even into my teenage years, I would check for a figure before I got comfortable in the bathroom.

I was afraid of the dark. I was so afraid of the dark, that to this very day, it it second nature to reach my arm into the room and flick on the lights before I step inside. Sometimes I catch myself doing it, and I giggle a little bit, but I know that deep down, I still feel that uneasiness.

The unknown scares me.

Now that I'm older, my fears are different, but still fundamentally the same.

I'm scared of becoming my mother.

She's a woman so strong and yet so weak at the same time. I've come to wonder lately if she was always emotionally unstable. The way that no one confronts her and how everyone is scared to upset her - her siblings and parents and all of us. We all know she's such a good person and her heart is so big.

Her heart is too big. It's walls are so thin that the littlest prick can make it burst with sadness. I remember as a child when she would cry and say that her heart was broken. She made me feel like I wanted to die. Her sadness was so overwhelming, and I wonder if she was like this just when I came along, or if it was something that always existed. You get scared to hurt her, and it stifles who you are around her...

I get so scared so often that I am like her. That my sadness will overtake me and make those around me scared to be themselves with me. I don't want to be fragile like her. I don't want to impose on those I love with my craziness, and the days that I feel like I'm doing this - like yesterday - make me want to curl up into a ball and die.

I'm scared to have a child.

It makes me scared to have a child when I think about her... I know all the text books and studies show that certain genes, even if they are present, don't make anything specifically go wrong. I know that development in the womb and during the first 6 years are the most vital things... But I worry, because I know I'm crazy.

And I know my boyfriend is crazy, and I know I'll never leave him.

And what happens when two crazy people have a baby? Is that baby crazy too?

When I watch things about mental disorders, and read my textbooks, and go to class and learn about mental health, I don't evaluate it as an outsider. I feel the familiarity. I feel the deeply horrifying and yet comfortable familiarity and dull ache of being bat-shit crazy.

I am Alice. I am Lisa, bright and dark. I am my mother.

I'm scared I can't become a therapist.

I know I have health mental issues, but will it hold me back? Doesn't everybody? Is there anyone who is "normal" and "healthy?" Even Freud was fucked up... But, do I have the right to go about in this field and pretend like I have answers? Is it better that I fundamentally understand, or does it make me blind to reality? Will I get better in time to go out into the world and help people? Am I too sensitive for this? How do I get better, and is my crazy really all that bad?

Right now I feel like I'm investing a lot of time and money into something that has a big chance of working out and a big chance of failing.

"Can you do it?" my dad asked me.

"Yes."

I have the ability to juggle schedules and fight off depression and pretend like everything is ok, but am I the only one doing it like that? Maybe everyone else gets up and does the things they're supposed to accomplish in the day and doesn't cry and have to smoke pot and binge eat and take naps and find distractions just to get themselves through a day. Maybe everyone else who signed up for the convention went to every session and learned things and didn't have an anxiety attack and have to leave. Does it matter if my methods are different, if I eventually get there? Does that make them wrong?

I have to decide some things and stop worrying about the other possible reality, but can I?

Are these fears always going to hang over my head torturing me and keeping me awake at night?

Am I able to help myself be well?



Lost

I binged all day long.

And slept.

I don't know what I'm doing, and I feel disgusting.

Thank God for the boyfriend, or I'd probably kill myself.

I'm going to get high and drunk and just pray that tomorrow is a better day.

PS. Thanks to the 3 people that read this garbage. 

Friday, March 13, 2015

I feel jumbled

I'm stressed and anxious and not myself.

My life is changing SO much lately, I'm starting to get overwhelmed. New goals and ambitions and directions and whatthefuckamidoing...

And then, suddenly, at the same time, I'm reliving huge portions of my past as well. Lying in bed at night, wide awake, digging up things that were buried deeper than I realized and evaluating everything so much... Since January, I've spent hours on end re-living things with the boyfriend and the hubby and where it all went wrong, things with Chevy, things with Bogs and Danny and Bird and Gerard... Why??

I think it's because of school and being forced to look inward a lot since I started... I've come to realize that I don't do that that much. There's a big section of my life for about 3 years where I was on autopilot, and I barely felt anything. When I read back through my blog entries from that period, it feels as if someone else wrote them. Nothing really mattered. All the relationships I formed were superficial, and the one that I formed that wasn't that way was so young and naive and crazy-emotional... Too much for me to handle, and I pulled away. I was so shut-off from my feelings and my goals and ambitions. I simply existed.

I pulled away today too. I feel so weird about what happened, but I can't even justify it... I don't know what happened or why, and I feel too close to that incident to process is properly at this moment.

I had my convention this weekend... I got up, got ready, got myself to the keynote speaker, got overwhelmed, got out of my seat, got into my car, and left.

I was there for about an hour.

I only needed to go to get credit for my degree program, which my conference fees alone provided, but I didn't actually go to anything. I was sitting there trying to absorb, tired because I couldn't sleep at all last night, and worrying about my exam on Monday and the homework I have to do that piled up a bit since I actually took a couple days off to myself over Spring Break.

This huge convention with a million people that I don't know who are actually professionals and have actually proven themselves was simply too much for my tiny brain to handle. I'm trying to remember the differences in historical theory while they're commenting on how their keynote speaker hasn't been a new theorist in a while. I didn't even think about it or even make a decision. There was no conscious thought process involved. All of a sudden, I was putting my phone in my purse and standing up... I just let my feet take over while my mind wandered, and then suddenly I was home.

I crawled into bed and went to sleep for a few hours. I had feverish dreams about being at the convention with one of my classmates, and then I woke up wondering what the dream part actually was and feeling like I hadn't slept at all.

I'm not ready for something like that. New experiences are very difficult for me in general, and then big overwhelming experiences where I'm all alone are worse. I should have made plans to meet up with a classmate, and I guess I still could if I wanted to, but that makes me feel even warier if I think about it...

Now I'm home, and I decided to get some studying done and focus on my homework today only.

The only problem is should I try again tomorrow??

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Resist

Resisted beer. Resisted pita. Resisted French fries. Resisted bacon cheeseburger. Resisted bread and pasta and sweet tea. Resisted chocolate and gummy bears and chips. 

Today was a good day. 

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Yesterday was messy, today is motivational

I didn't gain yesterday, but I didn't lose either. My current weight is 149lbs, and that number disgusts me sooo deeply.

I know my body, and I know it's resisting now. I just have to keep up the low numbers of cals for a couple days and it will start losing again, probably another 5 until another plateau. My goal is to be 145 by Monday, and if I really stick with it, I know I can do it.

I thought I had it all in the bag yesterday until I got home and high. I woke up feeling thin, went to the pool and the dog park without eating, but then I binged and purged twice, and this morning I was bloaty. I can always tell because my ring will feel SO tight on my finger... I'm dehydrated and it takes about a day of clean eating to get rid of the bloat and toxins.

So far all I've eaten today is some tilapia and green beans, totaling about 200 cals. My weight still said 149 when I weighed in this morning, so if I don't fuck up today, it should be 148 tomorrow, or even lower. The boyrfriend wants to go do a water activity tomorrow since the weather is warm, and the impending swimsuit season has made me realize I'm behind on the loss.

Very very behind.

It sucks that I'm so bad off right now. I don't want to have to watch every bite that goes into my mouth, but I do... If I ever want to be happy with my body again, I have to make some serious changes immediately.

I want to be 127lbs again, that's the UGW right now, but that number is over 20 pounds away... And that is daunting! Last time I was this heavy and had this much to lose, it took me a few months, and then my ED took over, and all I did was teeter back and forth for a couple years in about a 10lb range.

Now, I don't know what my body is capable of or going to do. I'm older, and I don't want to be as thin as I once wanted. I don't want to look sick anymore, just thinner.

Just normal and not super fucking fat.

I don't care of my bones poke out, I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin. 

My goal right now is as follows:
Monday March 16: 145lbs
March 23rd: 140lbs.
April 1st: 136lbs.
April 15th: 131lbs.
April 30th: 127lbs.

I KNOW I can do this if I just stay focused! Then my summer can begin and I can feel happy in my body again and re-evaluate and start gymming hardcore.

First we get off the fat though...

Monday, March 9, 2015

Jumbled

I've lost the few pounds I put on since school started. I feel good, but it needs to be more...

This week was crazy and emotional, and it's a miracle I didn't fuck up something terribly.

The boyfriend confuses me and scares me. I don't know sometimes why he's with me or if he even likes me... I think maybe because I don't understand why anyone would like me... But he seems to want me and be invested, and I just hope that lasts...

I saw Bogs this weekend, and it was awful. I don't want him, but I don't want to hurt him. That's a horrible place to be in, and I think I need to stop being selfish and just leave him alone. I need to find comfort elsewhere because using another guy for that is just going to lead to horrible things.

I felt good downtown, but I wished I was with other people. I liked the feeling of how he wanted me so badly, but I also wanted to stay away from it... There's only ever been one man that I felt comfortable and happy with from the very beginning, and I have him waiting at home while I do exactly what he fears I'm doing.

I told him last night: I'm a bitch.

I can't even explain how the boyfriend makes me feel... Like he's just an extension of myself. I don't ever feel grossed out or turned off or annoyed or pity with him... Like I have for all the others. I like how he feels and how he smells and how he touches me. I like how he looks and I have respect for him. And when he's being good and lovely, he makes me feel amazing. He makes me feel like he truly loves me and respects me and wants me. On days when I think I look disgusting and when I feel like the most awful human being on the planet, one smile and one comment can make me feel 100% better in every way... The only bad part is when he takes that away from me it hurts deeper than anything else ever has.

I just get so anxious that he might not have that with me. Those same thoughts and feelings of absolute compatibility and wanting... What if he doesn't, and I'm just getting my hopes up for nothing and one day he wakes up and thinks about someone else when he first opens his eyes? What if he actually does think I'm too harsh and what if he truly does make up his mind to leave one day?

Would I ever be ok again? Is it worth the risk now?

Today's eats:
B: Nothing
L: Salad - 250 cals
D: Tacos made by moi - 250 cals

I want to lose about 5 pounds this week over spring break...  No actual break for me because I have a ton of homework, but I just want a freaking couple days off from responsibility. And I want to go back on Monday with a tan glow and looking leaner.

I couldn't believe Bogs had gained weight. It made me so grossed out; it's kind of shallow and awful... But I'm glad I have my answer... Now if he could just find someone he wants more than me and push me away.

I want him to get mad at me and cut me off like the other ones have. But I also can't find it in my heart to push him to that like I did with all the others because I don't think he deserves it like they did. He's never been a bad person. He's never toyed with me or made me feel shamed or hid me or made me out to be the bad guy. And even when he's been angry with me and done hurtful things, when I went off about it, he didn't react like the others and defend himself and try to point out my flaws. He just genuinely apologized.

So I have to hurt him. I have to hurt him a little now so that I don't hurt him more later.

I'm not a good person sometimes... I wish I could actually show that to people or maybe just stop being that way.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Binging

I've been binging.

A lot.

To the point where those late-night commercials about BED that feature that washed up gymnast make me light-headed because she's describing me.

I've been binging so much I make myself sick. So much my hands and feet swell, and I can't stand the thought of one more bite.

I purge, and I go back for more.

I'm so sick lately... Scary sick.

Going back to school has triggered me very badly, and I'm gaining because I'm not consistently purging because I don't WANT to anymore. I want to be all Ana again like I was before. I want to lose a pound a day like I used to be able to and not have to throw up. I'm also scared of the boyfriend finding out in our fucking 600 square foot apartment. It's not like he can't hear me puking or won't ask...

I need to stop eating at night, but I don't know how to... I control and restrict all day, and then I spiral out of control and can't contain myself in the evenings.

I am so FAT right now I want to die. I just want to melt away into a big oily puddle of lard and not be in this body anymore.

I need new rules, new structure, and a new game plan so I can have a new body for goddsake...

Daily eats:
B: 1pm: Apple, pill, detox tea:                                                            50 cals
L: 4pm: Veggies OR salad and baked chicken:                                  150-200 cals.
S: 9pm: Hot tea and (cheese stick & fudge pop) OR (granola bar):   100 cals.
D:11pm: Anything that's low in cals:                                                  250 cals.
Total: 550-600

This is the current goal, to adhere to this schedule. I am not going to weigh myself for one week, starting today and see how this goes.

I also need to get my fat ass back in the gym, but I think that food is a more pressing issue at the moment... And getting it under fuckinggg control.


Time to think thin again.