Shrooms is a bust. They died when we left for Indy. It was so rushed and panicked.
The only reason I'm making money lately is because I'm doing illegal shit. I'm risking a lot here, and I don't know what to do to make it better. I'm so tired of the bullshit that is my existence...
The ones from the past haunt me; I didn't want to see them grow into this... I don't like feeling like I'm the only one who cares, but I have to then keep them at a distance and be professional. I'm sick of being in charge of everything. I'm tired of being looked to for every answer and shred of support. I need a change.
I have an initial call with a recruiter on Thursday. I'm panicked. I feel like my career is either concerns I can't bring myself to take seriously, or concerns too large for me. And I WANT this. The last recruiter call didn't end up being an interview, and I am freaked out by that, but trying to just keep cool. I can't help it if no one wants me. I have to keep trying and just hope I'm able to fake things well enough with the next person, because I need more money than this. I have a good client base rn, but I need steady income. I need to work a lot of hours and keep myself very busy, and the universe has not allowed me to do that.
I owe an invoice that I sent an email about, and now I haven't heard anything back. I got a stumbling, fumbling voicemail that made me feel like shit, and now I just feel anxious the whole time I'm in the office - thinking he can probably see me on the cameras: the bitch who owes him money. I just keep taking out loans, and I never get financially caught up. I just keep wishing I could pay my car payment, wishing I could afford my business expenses, wishing I could pay back my friend who helped us move. I can't. There is no way to budget zero dollars. And I've tried and tried to find ways to increase income and work systems that are not giving me back what I put in.
I'm tired of trying so hard... Because, like, for what?? I can't do this responsibility and house and kids bullshit anymore, honestly.
I want my stepkids out of my house. They are worthless and needy and obnoxious and don't listen. They lack empathy, they are selfish, and they are the laziest people I have ever encountered, no cap. I have crippling depression, and I accomplish more than them on my most depressed days... They have eating disordered behavior that is SO fucking triggering - I don't even know how to cope with it; it makes me have a panic attack about once a week. And they exhaust my husband. They drain both of us, and I told him the other day, I just want to bide my time and then for them to leave. I promised until August 2026, and that's all I'm giving them. I'm counting down the months.
My eye twitches all the time lately, my digestion is shot, my skin is constantly breaking out, and I have nightmares all the time. I just want a little peace, and I'm not in full mental breakdown mode anymore, but I just feel an overall weight of stress that is too much. I'm behind on so many things; I can't do it anymore...
I need a good-ass full-time job, and then I'm going to cut most of my clients loose and still see some of them and shift things for myself. I'll make more money. I'm starting that already, but damn, it's shitty...
