Monday, November 30, 2015

Bye, Adam

Dreamed about Adam last night. Which is weird because, since Ee's birthday almost a week ago, I haven't seen or heard from him. He was supposed to work last night, but it was slow, so they called him off. I was relieved when I got to work and saw he wasn't there, because I'm honestly annoyed with him. I actually don't fucking like him anymore...

For some reason, when I dream of him, my head turns him into a nice person. But he's not... Not at all. In my dream he texts me and asks how I am, when in reality that never happens. In reality, he's insanely selfish.

And honestly, he's not a factor at this moment anyway, because the boyfriend and I are working hard to keep our love alive. It hasn't been easy lately. And it's me... I have been having crazy highs and lows... One moment I feel on top of things and like I could take on the world, and the next I drink a whole bottle of wine and purge. I feel overwhelmed, and I'm having SUCH a hard time losing weight. My body seems to be so stuck at this moment at this current horrid weight, I don't know what to do... I'm about to give in to Ana for real...

Thursday, November 26, 2015

4 days ok

I'm so hungry. I had to take an allergy pill again tonight to fight off insomnia. For some reason I can't sleep as easily when I restrict a lot. My body doesn't fall asleep easy with an empty stomach, but there's no way I'm going to fill it right now. Just waiting for the Benadryl to kick in...

Today's intake was actually ok, even with the holiday. The one single meal is all I ate and some wine. The boyfriend and I got back still part drunk and passed out, but I woke up a couple hours later and now I can't sleep... Meanwhile he's like a dead man. Which is kind of good because he has to work a crazy early long day tomorrow, so I just tucked him in at 9pm and left him. 

I've been doing really well with my eating the past four days. I haven't seen the number on the scale drop as much as I'd like, but my hormones are doing something crazy this week. My cycle was supposed to come last week and didn't, and then when I started my next pack of birth control it tried to come. Lovely. So major breakouts and sweating and breakthrough. Fucking awful. I've been super bloated and wanting to eat everything it sight. I haven't been eating, but I also haven't seen a dip, and I know it's because I'm like a whale even with no food... I wake up starving with a round belly, even after using the restroom. That's only hormones. Which means as soon as I get this crap back on track that I will see my true weight. 

The next few days might be tough. I have the kids tomorrow and we're going to do food at home, so that won't be anything awful, but Saturday is mom's house... My cousin is in town and we're doing a big family thing. Just need to get through the day without going nuts. 

I've only purged once these past few days, and I was drunk when it happened. I don't regret it... I went out for Ee's birthday and got super drunk, drove Lolly home and got fast food. I ate a bunch of shit, came home and drunkely ate a huge bowl of cereal and then purged. I wasn't feeling well, and with what my body has been doing I knew if I went to bed with that full stomach, I'd wake up with an awful number. 

Adam didn't come to Ee's party. He texted me bullshit, I got pissy, he got butt hurt, and the next night at work was intense. I tried hard to ignore him, but he got aggressive with trying to get my attention. I don't think I was 100% pleasant, and I think he realized that. 

I'm done with him. I deleted his number, (well texted it to my bff and told her to save it and not give it to me unless I asked for it sober) and I have zero intention of being his friend anymore. When I'm done with someone, they just don't exist, and that's where we stand. I'm over him being a mess and an awful friend to me. I rehearse in my head what I would say to him if he ever once even asked me if I was mad at him, but he doesn't even have the balls to do that, and I know it. I replay my pointless scenario that will never come to fruition just to get it out of my system, when in reality he's a completely unresponsive person who's so selfish he'd never ask how I felt. 

Whatever. Weight loss is my friend. 

Just gotta keep pushing. Benny's calling me to sleep tho. Think thin, Angels. 


Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Birthdays and Bikinis

Tonight is Ee's birthday. Everyone is supposed to be there... Like everyone. Lolly, MW, Adam... It is either going to be a great night or a fucking train wreck.

Adam has been weird lately, and though we've been talking, I've also avoided being anything but simply friendly. I don't want him. And I don't want to get to a point where I have to say it. I just want things to fizzle out, and I don't particularly want to get drunk tonight and act like an attention-seeking slut face. I have decided that if he doesn't come that I am no longer going to text him. And if he does come that I am going to behave myself. He's back to the IG life and selling himself, and I don't know what to make of him lately. I don't know how he feels about me, and I don't like how he's acted. I just want him gone. I don't want to care about him anymore.

My number of binge-free days is one. I am going to do well again today. I have to. I can't live in this body any longer.

Apple and coffee or tea every morning, chicken or fish and veggies for lunch and dinner, popcorn and either a fudgesicle or tootsie pop for my midnight snack.

Roughly 600 cals a day until I'm back down to a decent weight.

I know if I just stick to it that the weight will come off. And it has to. I spent hours last night flipping through thinspo so I wouldn't go to the kitchen and eat anything. I desperately want to get back to a body I like...

My thinspo bikini got here. It's sooo beautiful...
http://www.thewildflowershop.com/21856-pos_thickbox/ada-tequila-bikini-set.jpg
It is also extremely revealing and you can see every flaw my body has... My goal is to get into wearing it by the time it's bikini season again.  I also need to start working out, but this ankle injury is hindering that a lot...

Anyway, have to go do homework. Let's just cross our fingers today goes well!

Today's eats:
Apple and coffee - 60 cals
Chicken and veggies - 150
Packaged spinach salad - 220
Drinks out - ??? Not counting!

Monday, November 16, 2015

Eject thoughts

I've dropped a couple pounds and maintained the loss, but I want MORE and soon.

I just don't want to get too crazy. But I am unhappy with my current weight. Balance and I have never really been friends... I need to figure out how to do this in life.

I ordered the cutest skimpy bikini for motivation. I cant wait for it to come, but I also am really scared of that happening, because I know I will look massive in it... I just want to look like I did in my dream last night... I want to like my body and myself.

All my dreams were super symbolic last night, actually. It's weird. I wish I knew how to handle certain things better and that I could have everything I want to not be afraid. I wish I knew what to do with my feelings about Adam and the boyfriend. I wish I knew how to trust that the boyfriend is actually changing and has real potential. I'm so scared to rely on him or trust him to take care of me because he hasn't ever... 4 years, and I have so many things I've put up with and been put through. But there have also been a lot of positives and SO much growth... Right now I'm just scared to let myself be happy because then, if I do and he disappoints again, I get so devastated... Sometimes I don't know if I should continue trying to allow him to stay in my life or if I should start over with someone else.

I worry a lot. I have a lot of guilt. I hate myself and put myself in situations that make me hate myself more. I need attention. From anyone. All the time. I have issues.

But I know he loves me. I know someone else could too, but he really truly does, and he relies on me. I just wish I had the confidence to rely on him. I'm tired of certain things happening, and I want to honestly get enough money put aside so that if they happen again I can just leave. Forever. Just pack my stuff and bounce. But I also cannot imagine a life where I didn't have him loving me.

The small weak girl inside me wants to cling to him, the whore inside wants to fuck around with everyone and not think about him, the strong independent side wants to run away from every person I currently know, and the rational side doesn't know what the fuck to do.

If I'm honest with myself, I want to get engaged and married and have a baby with HIM. I want to have my career and a family with him by my side, and I want to look back on the difficult parts and feel like they were worth it. But I am scared that won't ever actually be able to happen, because a large part of all this relies on him. I'm scared he doesn't want the same things.

It's hard for me to fully commit to things because I've done that in the past and it did not work out. Now, I always feel like I have to have a backup plan. A perfectly laid one. And currently, I don't... It's so hard to mentally work around.

I feel lost, so I just take things one moment and day at a time and focus on school and try not to engage Adam too much and try to believe in the boyfriend like he needs me to. Basically, I don't think I actually have to decide on or commit to anything at the moment, so I'm not... But a little lost is hard to be... 

Sunday, November 15, 2015

FML. SMH.

Weight loss... Thumbs down.

But, in other news, Lolly hooked up with MW, and I'm honestly jealous. Strangely. I know I could have had that at one point, and I decided not to... I chose Adam instead, and look how that turned out...

Though today he asked me what my schedule is like lately... I didn't think too much of it, but it felt like there was a hint of "I miss hanging out."

But anyway... I like MW. He's been a good buddy to me, and even though we've had some issues, I think he's a good guy... Do I want him? No. Do I think that would be any kind of a good option for my life? No. Do I think he respects Lolly at all or even wants a girl like her? No. Do I think he's mentally stable in the least? No.

But does it annoy me? Yes... Partly because he has talked so much SHIT about her in the past, and I literally defended her, and now he fucks her? Oooookay... And partly because he's told me and even HER how much he likes me. But I'm not available so you fuck one of my best friends? Like, what is that?

I need to talk to Ee about it...

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Body and Boys and Lifestyle Changes

I've been eating pretty "normally" the past few days... I have also lost a couple pounds, which seems like a win-win. However, it has not been easy at all... I made a comment to the boyfriend recently that even when I don't engage in eating disordered behavior, I still have an eating disorder. It's something I carry with me that colors the way I view everything. I don't think I'll ever not have it. Which is sad, but just makes me realize that I have to figure out how to live with it.

It's still agony making the decision of what to eat, though. Daily. Every meal.

It's a dull agonizing kind of panic to start off. I'm hungry, and it's so hungry that I have to eat something. I know that if I let myself get too hungry and my blood sugar crashes, that I will eat garbage, so I have to make a decision while I still have some logic intact.

I stand there, peering into the fridge with my head spinning and the numbers crunching - all the while hearing Ana and Mia make comments like an angel and devil on my shoulders. "You shouldn't even eat anything, you fat pig." "Or, you could eat all the bad stuff and just throw it up after." "No, if you're going to eat, then just have that apple and some green tea." "Oh, but that pasta looks so much better..."

It takes me whole minutes to fight them off long enough to make a decision on what to actually eat. It's always a struggle as I calculate calories and freak out for whole minutes, taking out food items and putting them back. Reading labels. Fighting off practically crying.

Then, I decide, I prepare, and I eat. After, if it was a good choice, I feel a surge of relief. If it was a bad choice, I beat myself up in more ways than I could ever document, and it's downhill from there.

Lately, I have been focused on finding something reasonable and preparing and eating it and not questioning things. I decide to make a "good" choice before I look into the fridge, and then I don't allow myself to think too much. I just make it and eat, and afterward, I'm ok.

I have decided that around 1,000 calories a day is manageable and enough food for my body, and also not over doing it. That gives me around 250-300cals a meal and a little wiggle room for bites/snacks. I still have a million rules about food I'm not supposed to eat and portions of food and numbers that are too high, but I'm allowing myself to have things like cheese and milk and bread in moderation as long as they're not horrible types. Ana's rules are bent a little...

I'm going to give it some time and see how things go. I need to lose weight, and I just pray this method works (though I know it will be slower) and that I'm able to get my life together.

When I look back to photos of myself when I was a bit thinner, I seem so much happier... Some of them don't even feel like they're photos of me. It's so weird... But I want to be that girl again. That pretty girl who isn't dragging around extra weight and still trying to be pretty, but who's just actually pretty. I've gotten to a point where so many other things are happy. I need my body to be one as well.

I've made a few other changes lately as well...

I got rid of my Instagram... I don't know why, but it was giving me anxiety, and I felt it was a good choice. My friends are not happy, but honestly, I am. 

I decided to stop smoking weed too, at least the daily consumption. There are many reasons, but I think mainly, I want to stop because it will help with my eating. I also I think I need to develop other methods of stress-relief if I want to be successful in life. I'm not really going to tell the boyfriend about it; I'm just going to do it.

Last night was rough though... I could not fall asleep, and I almost took a antihistamine in order to accomplish falling asleep, but I think I need to stop using chemicals to accomplish things I should be able to do on my own. Humans should be able to sleep and eat and be happy without putting substances into them that change their brains. If I cannot do these things, I need to figure out why.

Part of the issue with sleep last night was Adam. I had a long think, and I honestly just hope that today he doesn't text me. The past two days have been nuts, and I know he needed support and a friend, and I am happy that I could be that for him, but I don't want to assume that he wants anything more from me. I honestly hope he gets his life all worked out and finds an amazing girl and leaves me alone. Because somehow, he has the power to pull me in, and I don't want that.

I don't want to be called "Beautiful Cally" and told how much he appreciates and loves me. I don't want actual temptation or to miss him and want to talk to him as much as I do. I just want us to be friends who once hooked up.

I need to remember that he had an option, and he made a choice. And I need to remember that I made a choice for specific reasons and that it would really suck to look like a fool if I played both sides right now and then have to choose once there's a ring involved.

I've been there before. I need to stop making the same mistakes. I need to think about what's best for my life and stop chasing around temporary highs.

I need moderation. In lots of areas...

My current goals:
1.) Lose 20 pounds a healthier way no matter how long it takes me.
2.) Get good grades this semester.
3.) Figure out how to handle my emotional issues.
4.) Develop a better relationship with the boyfriend and distance from Adam.

Number 4 depends on the other person, obviously. But I need to give the boyfriend the chance I'm telling him that I'm giving him. I need to distance myself from Adam and focus on what I have to work out with the boyfriend first. There is time. I have time in life to get things figured out. I just need to take it one day at a time and learn in all these areas how to resist temptation.

And if there comes a day when the boyfriend falls into old habits and patterns, then I will leave. And I will know that even if Adam does not come around, that someone else will. I learned many lessons this time around, but they will become mistakes if I don't handle them properly.


Thursday, November 5, 2015

Torn

The past couple days have been rough. I'm so torn. There is no other word to describe it...

I want to lose weight, but I honestly do not know how to. I mean, I know how to... I know how to restrict to 500 calories a day, and I know how to eat in preparation for throwing up my binges, and I know what to say to look normal and how to fight off stabbing hunger pains.

I know how to starve. And I know how to binge and maintain a high weight. But I want to know how to be healthy and maintain a low weight. I'm sick of the two options I currently have.

But at the same time, this little thought in the back of my head keeps telling me, "Just lose it. Lose it however you want so that you can feel good about your body again, and then we'll figure out how to do it. Let's just lose it and then figure out things once we're thinner."

I think about J. Leady and the time she told me "I just need like two weeks of bulimia. Just two weeks, and I can go back to normal." I feel like that right now. Just a couple months of flirting with Ana, and then I can go back to a more normal eating pattern.

It's been a long time since Ana was around, and Mia is more emotional release than weight loss, if I'm honest with myself. But what else is there??

If I lose the weight quickly and drastically and weigh twenty pounds less in two months, then what do I do?? In the past, I would cycle... Then I would binge for a couple days/weeks with alternating days of binging and starving. I would gain about 7-10 pounds back and then maintain a while. Then slowly the number would creep up and I got less serious about starving and less serious about binging. Then I go through a period where I just mimic whatever others around me are eating and don't actually plan or think about anything. Then once I'm fat again, I crash and let Ana take over.

I need a life change. I need to break this cycle and not go crazy. I need to restrict, but not to 500, or my metabolism will die. I need to stop binging completely and stop getting satisfaction from purging.

So, today... There is the matter of today and how much I will eat and what... I think I have some kind of flu currently. Food makes me feel nauseated, and I threw up dinner last night, not on purpose for once. I had a salad earlier, but I couldn't finish it.

I'm going to chill out right now, and eat whatever, considering binging makes me feel physically ill. I guess we will figure this out soon enough...

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Hating myself, as usual

I need to lose weight. And I need to find comfort in something other than food.

I need to get to the emotional reasons of why I binge. Because I do. And mia has been around way too much lately. I wish I could just be normal with food - eat when I'm hungry and make good food choices and not be a freak. But I don't know how...

I was never taught how. And when I learned about food, I learned from a horrible source in a dark time. All I know about eating is dysfunction. I know the over and the under, but not the middle.

I want to know moderation. With everything. I want to know how to handle not smoking, not binging, not looking to idiots for attention. I want to find comfort in something better than sex and drugs and food.

Is there? Where do I find it? How can I transform into the person who actually has her stuff together instead of the one who just pretends to? How do I like myself???

I need to get control of this, because I see it causing issues. I see where it's all headed if I don't figure it out now. I saw it for 19 years, and I don't want to do that to anyone.

I can't do what I want in life if I'm still this person.

I need to shed my demons. I need a different way.