Thursday, November 26, 2015

4 days ok

I'm so hungry. I had to take an allergy pill again tonight to fight off insomnia. For some reason I can't sleep as easily when I restrict a lot. My body doesn't fall asleep easy with an empty stomach, but there's no way I'm going to fill it right now. Just waiting for the Benadryl to kick in...

Today's intake was actually ok, even with the holiday. The one single meal is all I ate and some wine. The boyfriend and I got back still part drunk and passed out, but I woke up a couple hours later and now I can't sleep... Meanwhile he's like a dead man. Which is kind of good because he has to work a crazy early long day tomorrow, so I just tucked him in at 9pm and left him. 

I've been doing really well with my eating the past four days. I haven't seen the number on the scale drop as much as I'd like, but my hormones are doing something crazy this week. My cycle was supposed to come last week and didn't, and then when I started my next pack of birth control it tried to come. Lovely. So major breakouts and sweating and breakthrough. Fucking awful. I've been super bloated and wanting to eat everything it sight. I haven't been eating, but I also haven't seen a dip, and I know it's because I'm like a whale even with no food... I wake up starving with a round belly, even after using the restroom. That's only hormones. Which means as soon as I get this crap back on track that I will see my true weight. 

The next few days might be tough. I have the kids tomorrow and we're going to do food at home, so that won't be anything awful, but Saturday is mom's house... My cousin is in town and we're doing a big family thing. Just need to get through the day without going nuts. 

I've only purged once these past few days, and I was drunk when it happened. I don't regret it... I went out for Ee's birthday and got super drunk, drove Lolly home and got fast food. I ate a bunch of shit, came home and drunkely ate a huge bowl of cereal and then purged. I wasn't feeling well, and with what my body has been doing I knew if I went to bed with that full stomach, I'd wake up with an awful number. 

Adam didn't come to Ee's party. He texted me bullshit, I got pissy, he got butt hurt, and the next night at work was intense. I tried hard to ignore him, but he got aggressive with trying to get my attention. I don't think I was 100% pleasant, and I think he realized that. 

I'm done with him. I deleted his number, (well texted it to my bff and told her to save it and not give it to me unless I asked for it sober) and I have zero intention of being his friend anymore. When I'm done with someone, they just don't exist, and that's where we stand. I'm over him being a mess and an awful friend to me. I rehearse in my head what I would say to him if he ever once even asked me if I was mad at him, but he doesn't even have the balls to do that, and I know it. I replay my pointless scenario that will never come to fruition just to get it out of my system, when in reality he's a completely unresponsive person who's so selfish he'd never ask how I felt. 

Whatever. Weight loss is my friend. 

Just gotta keep pushing. Benny's calling me to sleep tho. Think thin, Angels. 

1 comment:

  1. *snapsies* I also have been taking anti-histamines lately to help with the sleeping... Because, I also can't sleep while I'm hungry and when I do finally get into a restless horrible sleep, I dream about food. Brownies, mostly. >.<

    Love Xo