Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Hating myself, as usual

I need to lose weight. And I need to find comfort in something other than food.

I need to get to the emotional reasons of why I binge. Because I do. And mia has been around way too much lately. I wish I could just be normal with food - eat when I'm hungry and make good food choices and not be a freak. But I don't know how...

I was never taught how. And when I learned about food, I learned from a horrible source in a dark time. All I know about eating is dysfunction. I know the over and the under, but not the middle.

I want to know moderation. With everything. I want to know how to handle not smoking, not binging, not looking to idiots for attention. I want to find comfort in something better than sex and drugs and food.

Is there? Where do I find it? How can I transform into the person who actually has her stuff together instead of the one who just pretends to? How do I like myself???

I need to get control of this, because I see it causing issues. I see where it's all headed if I don't figure it out now. I saw it for 19 years, and I don't want to do that to anyone.

I can't do what I want in life if I'm still this person.

I need to shed my demons. I need a different way.

1 comment:

  1. You know hey, Cally - it is so true what you say. I find myself completely incapable of not binging when the emotional rollercoaster is in gear. I think about my future sometimes and just completely fuck out, because I can't keep doing this. Good luck girl, always here for you. Xo