Monday, November 16, 2015

Eject thoughts

I've dropped a couple pounds and maintained the loss, but I want MORE and soon.

I just don't want to get too crazy. But I am unhappy with my current weight. Balance and I have never really been friends... I need to figure out how to do this in life.

I ordered the cutest skimpy bikini for motivation. I cant wait for it to come, but I also am really scared of that happening, because I know I will look massive in it... I just want to look like I did in my dream last night... I want to like my body and myself.

All my dreams were super symbolic last night, actually. It's weird. I wish I knew how to handle certain things better and that I could have everything I want to not be afraid. I wish I knew what to do with my feelings about Adam and the boyfriend. I wish I knew how to trust that the boyfriend is actually changing and has real potential. I'm so scared to rely on him or trust him to take care of me because he hasn't ever... 4 years, and I have so many things I've put up with and been put through. But there have also been a lot of positives and SO much growth... Right now I'm just scared to let myself be happy because then, if I do and he disappoints again, I get so devastated... Sometimes I don't know if I should continue trying to allow him to stay in my life or if I should start over with someone else.

I worry a lot. I have a lot of guilt. I hate myself and put myself in situations that make me hate myself more. I need attention. From anyone. All the time. I have issues.

But I know he loves me. I know someone else could too, but he really truly does, and he relies on me. I just wish I had the confidence to rely on him. I'm tired of certain things happening, and I want to honestly get enough money put aside so that if they happen again I can just leave. Forever. Just pack my stuff and bounce. But I also cannot imagine a life where I didn't have him loving me.

The small weak girl inside me wants to cling to him, the whore inside wants to fuck around with everyone and not think about him, the strong independent side wants to run away from every person I currently know, and the rational side doesn't know what the fuck to do.

If I'm honest with myself, I want to get engaged and married and have a baby with HIM. I want to have my career and a family with him by my side, and I want to look back on the difficult parts and feel like they were worth it. But I am scared that won't ever actually be able to happen, because a large part of all this relies on him. I'm scared he doesn't want the same things.

It's hard for me to fully commit to things because I've done that in the past and it did not work out. Now, I always feel like I have to have a backup plan. A perfectly laid one. And currently, I don't... It's so hard to mentally work around.

I feel lost, so I just take things one moment and day at a time and focus on school and try not to engage Adam too much and try to believe in the boyfriend like he needs me to. Basically, I don't think I actually have to decide on or commit to anything at the moment, so I'm not... But a little lost is hard to be... 

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