Friday, August 31, 2012

Sorting

Drove bird home from work the other day. He was nervous. He likes me, and I don't want that... They all do that.

We had a couple drinks, talked about work, kissed.

I left and went home to get really drunk and proceeded to tell the bf we may never be able to fix all the issues we have.

Yesterday we had a really rough morning. But it was good... We both expressed a lot of things we had been thinking but not saying. We went to lunch and got drunk.

I texted Bird and told him good luck with his impending convo with his ex, that I just want him to be happy. I meant it. But it was also to push him away. I don't want him. He's great but not for me. I want what I have.

The bf and I came home and got messed up-shrooms, ex, pot and continued drinking of course...

Then we were really talking. We both rambled on and on about what we had been thinking and feeling lately.

Nothing better than fucked up and venting.

It sounds ridiculous but it was healing. He really is a good guy. And really does love me.

I'm still giving myself time and space, but to be honest, right now I'm happy with him.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Still torn

Spent time with bird the other night... It was nice. Easy. Not amazing but I wasn't looking for amazing. Just comfortable. And it was.

He told me he wants to date me. That I have an amazing personality. That I'm gorgeous.

I got wasted and messed around with him a little but nothing really happened. We were both too drunk.

I don't want him. It was nice but I only did it out of boredom. Experimentation. Whatever.

I want my boyfriend. I just want him to be a better boyfriend and not have so much shit in his life I have to deal with.

He says in a few months things will be better. He's made changes. Tried. Made strides.

I'm just not sure.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Maintaining me

Vibrant me is becoming stifled again... How do I maintain her? Where is she?

I'm getting lost in fat and sorrow and poverty. So scared to lose the one thing in my life that makes daily life easier but also contemplating if maybe losing is is what would make my life as a whole better... I need some direction.

I'm starting to feel like I just want to be alone.

There for a while I felt amazing. Attractive and on top of things and like I had made the right decisions.

Now I question those decisions, feel grotesque in my own skin, and feel like I need that old feeling.

There's a certain sense of accomplishment you feel when you are dancing with the feeling of dying. When your stomach is only full of alcohol and your brain only full of drugs and ideals.

I need to take some steps to feel alive again... Regardless of where he goes or what he does.

Plan:
Work more
Save money
Get thin (always)
Study

I'm giving it about another month... Then we'll see... I might just need to be alone.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Ugh

I've taken a lot of liberties lately... Deleting anything I don't like... Pictures off his phone and lap top... Phone numbers, Facebook friends. I need to stop. But I feel justified...

The past needs to stay in the past. And honestly I feel like he's so desperate to move on and keep me he wont say anything.

I'm trying not to have double standards, but it's difficult... I know I need to let go of Bird... He's only going to cause problems... But the attention is so nice, and it makes me feel like I have a cure for my boredom and awful moods. Like I'm sexy and likable and worth paying attention to.

Plus now were friends, and that complicates it even more.

I hope when I get home I'm in a better mood today.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

We'll see

I understand so much more today, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I fucked up last night. He fucked up more.

Does everyone deserve a chance? Do people ever change?

Why can't I let GO of certain things? Why do I think I have the right to act crazy and nothing bad will happen?

I hit him first. Body slammed him onto the floor. I was angry. He wouldn't stop being fucked up, but how could he?

I should have walked away. I should have let it go til morning. I should have handled things differently so many times last night...

I'm not trying to justify his actions. I'm not saying we're staying together or that everything is fixable... I'm just saying I made mistakes. Mistakes that I won't make again.

Fucked

He beat me up.

What the fuck is my life now?

And what do I do?

He says he doesn't remember. He was too fucked up. He wasn't even supposed to be fucked up. He was supposed to love me as much as he says he does. He was supposed to keep his promises.

Instead he threw me against the coffee table. Threw me against the wall. Smashed my face into the couch and ground my body into the carpet.

Then he looks at my face like "what the fuck happened to you?" and cries and says it doesn't make sense... He would never do that.

But he did.

And I have to decide what to do now.

Where do I go from here??

Day 2 white week

We decide on a white week.

I spend the day eating because I don't know how to be sober anymore.

He leaves me at home and goes to play pool with his friends because he doesn't know how to be around me if we're not fucked up or fucking.

I text other people and cry to my mom.

Everyone says leave him. I know I probably should.

We fight via text, and I wish I had enough money to drive to my parents house overnight. I contemplate going to my guy BFFs house. I contemplate sleeping in my car somewhere. I contemplate doing a lot of things but instead just lie in bed and cry.

He texts me. He calls me. I ignore all of it. The last thing I say to him is "fuck it." I feel like I mean it way more than I have in the past... That feeling scares me.

I want to make myself throw up but it's been too long since I've eaten anything.

Will this ever be worth it? Or will he always continue to just not fucking get it?

Monday, August 13, 2012

My new life

It's been a long time since I darkened the halls of my blog...

My life is so different than it was a year ago, two years ago, a few months ago...My affair is my boyfriend. And my husband is my past. I'm filing papers this week to make my divorce official. And my lover has moved in to fill that spot.

I love him, but I think maybe that's a bad idea. I think we're bad for each other, and we've fucked things up too much between us in the not-so-distant past, but I don't know how to be alone.

If it's not him, it will be someone just like him because I'm not capable of being alone.

I drink a lot now. And do more drugs than ever before. Anything I can get my hands on.

And I have too many boys in my life.

My best guy friend attempts to booty call me, asks me for pictures... I say no that evening, but kiss him back on a drunken evening when no one else is around. I lay in his bed and let my thong show just a tad in the hopes that maybe he'll want to touch me so badly it'll make me feel alive. He doesn't. I feel relieved and realize I have an issue saying no to someone when they want me.

So many boys want me, and I don't understand why.

Then I push him away because he likes me too much. They all start doing that after a while. And I don't understand why. Can't they see I'm fucked up and that's a horrible idea?

I somehow became involved with my co-worker. He was supposed to be a fling. A one night stand like the couple others I had in the past few months when my boyfriend wasn't my boyfriend. But somehow we didn't hook up, and it all dragged on. He has a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend. We have an understanding and rules to the game we play. I send him photos of myself, we talk about fucking, but it never actually happens. I know I should let go of this, move on, be devoted to my boyfriend who professes his love for me daily, but I can't....

He's lied to be so much about so many things, so many girls, I don't even feel bad about my actions. I feel justified, and that's an awful way to feel in a relationship.

My soon-to-be-ex-husband still loves me, and that makes me feel the worst. I text him about small details on matters when I absolutely have to, but I tell him there's no chance of a relationship. He tells me he almost killed himself over me. My boyfriend laughs, I cry when he's not around. How could I do this to someone who loves me? How could I toss him away and pick up someone whom I may never trust?

I contemplate breaking it off, moving away, pursuing something I've always wanted... But I don't know what will make me happy. Or if anything will.

I feel stuck again. Maybe I always will. I want to feel something good for once, but I don't know if I can.

I feel like my relationship is built on a foundation of lies and mistrust. I don't believe most of what he tells me. And I'm not used to that. I'm used to the unending loyalty of a man I don't want. I think long and hard in the shower and when I'm sober, and I feel like it's inevitable that this will end.

I tell myself I will never marry again. Never have kids. That one day I will make something of my life, but I don't know if I'm capable of that. I will probably give in to whatever the other person wants like I always do.

I don't know how to make a good decision in life. I only make bad ones.

And I'm getting tired of the feelings of jealousy and mistrust. I'm getting tired of feeling like I'm fighting for something sometimes and wanting something else the rest of the time.