Monday, August 13, 2012

My new life

It's been a long time since I darkened the halls of my blog...

My life is so different than it was a year ago, two years ago, a few months ago...My affair is my boyfriend. And my husband is my past. I'm filing papers this week to make my divorce official. And my lover has moved in to fill that spot.

I love him, but I think maybe that's a bad idea. I think we're bad for each other, and we've fucked things up too much between us in the not-so-distant past, but I don't know how to be alone.

If it's not him, it will be someone just like him because I'm not capable of being alone.

I drink a lot now. And do more drugs than ever before. Anything I can get my hands on.

And I have too many boys in my life.

My best guy friend attempts to booty call me, asks me for pictures... I say no that evening, but kiss him back on a drunken evening when no one else is around. I lay in his bed and let my thong show just a tad in the hopes that maybe he'll want to touch me so badly it'll make me feel alive. He doesn't. I feel relieved and realize I have an issue saying no to someone when they want me.

So many boys want me, and I don't understand why.

Then I push him away because he likes me too much. They all start doing that after a while. And I don't understand why. Can't they see I'm fucked up and that's a horrible idea?

I somehow became involved with my co-worker. He was supposed to be a fling. A one night stand like the couple others I had in the past few months when my boyfriend wasn't my boyfriend. But somehow we didn't hook up, and it all dragged on. He has a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend. We have an understanding and rules to the game we play. I send him photos of myself, we talk about fucking, but it never actually happens. I know I should let go of this, move on, be devoted to my boyfriend who professes his love for me daily, but I can't....

He's lied to be so much about so many things, so many girls, I don't even feel bad about my actions. I feel justified, and that's an awful way to feel in a relationship.

My soon-to-be-ex-husband still loves me, and that makes me feel the worst. I text him about small details on matters when I absolutely have to, but I tell him there's no chance of a relationship. He tells me he almost killed himself over me. My boyfriend laughs, I cry when he's not around. How could I do this to someone who loves me? How could I toss him away and pick up someone whom I may never trust?

I contemplate breaking it off, moving away, pursuing something I've always wanted... But I don't know what will make me happy. Or if anything will.

I feel stuck again. Maybe I always will. I want to feel something good for once, but I don't know if I can.

I feel like my relationship is built on a foundation of lies and mistrust. I don't believe most of what he tells me. And I'm not used to that. I'm used to the unending loyalty of a man I don't want. I think long and hard in the shower and when I'm sober, and I feel like it's inevitable that this will end.

I tell myself I will never marry again. Never have kids. That one day I will make something of my life, but I don't know if I'm capable of that. I will probably give in to whatever the other person wants like I always do.

I don't know how to make a good decision in life. I only make bad ones.

And I'm getting tired of the feelings of jealousy and mistrust. I'm getting tired of feeling like I'm fighting for something sometimes and wanting something else the rest of the time.


3 comments:

  1. Wow. Lots of changes. I'm sorry :-( this is a lot of tough stuff. I'm glad you checked in with an update. I was JUST thinking about you. Wondering. You sound like me a few years ago. Chaos, drugs, drinking, chaos, affair, freedom, still feel stuck..... ugh. I'm SO sorry you're going thru that! I've been there and it's just, restless. You can never just exhale. Be careful and keep in touch

    xo

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  2. I was wondering how you are doing. Your life does sound totally different. A complete 180. If your relationship is built on lies it will end-it's just a matter of time. Sorry that life feels so chaotic and confusing for you. Hopefully at some point you'll figure out what you want and then go after it.

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  3. It's been a while, I'm glad to have you back.

    "Then I push him away because he likes me too much. They all start doing that after a while. And I don't understand why. Can't they see I'm fucked up and that's a horrible idea?"

    I always do that to the nice boys too. I watched a guy do it to me in return.

    I don't know what the answer is, but I maintain hopeful that we will find the right one xx

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