Food and fucking annoyed

The number on the scale this morning was lower than I’ve seen since god knows when. Maybe years. 

I’ve been super restricting. The ville rules are back. I’ve been staying under 600 cals per day except one day like 9 days ago, and that was a “normal” day. The past two nights I exceeded my allotment at dinner time and purged dinner. I don’t even care. 

Tonight the urge to binge is so high. I had a fucking emotionally and mentally exhausting day. I didn’t get a break. I didn’t get to space my sparse food properly. I am in a bad fucking mood and just want to stuff my face. 

I had a jello cup and rice cake for 80 cals instead. 

Things I would eat right now if I could:

• McDonald’s cheeseburger
• Chicken nuggets with sweet and sour sauce 
• Donuts
• Loaded cheese fries 
• Nachos 
• Chips and dip
• Almond snickers  
• Fruit by the foot
• Orange soda
• Pop tarts 
• Sub sandwich 
• Deep dish pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms and onion 
• Garlic knots with marinara 
• Cinnamon rolls
• Soft pretzels and lemonade 
• Cheese sticks with ranch and pizza sauce 
• Fried calamari and peppers with marinara 
• Roast beef sandwich and jalapeño poppers
• Crunchwrap 
• All the beer  

I am so tired, and my body hurts. Baby has been sick and I didn’t get paid today. Tomorrow I order groceries that look nothing like this. 

In 8 more pounds I will weigh what I did when I got pregnant. In 3 more pounds I will have lost 30lbs. Albeit slowly. Better than never I guess. 

I hate myself.  

Excited for once. Nothing healthy.

My weight is dropping. I have been starving. I asked for zofran and got some. It helps when my blood sugar is low to stop the nausea. It helps to balance out all these medications. 

My body feels so much better when I’m medicated. When I’m numbed. When I’m hungry. 

Because it’s not hunger. It’s victory. 

Wednesday 6/7 - 800 cals
Thursday 6/8 - 250
Friday 6/9 - 250
Saturday 6/10 - around 1,400 (fuck me)
Sunday 6/11 - 500
Monday 6/12 - 600
Tuesday 6/13 - 450
Wednesday 6/14 - 525

This averages out to 600 cals a day. With that bad day factored in. 

Y’all, I am killing it. My weight is dropping. I’m popping pills like it’s my job. I’m chugging water like a motherfucking fish. Im weighing in daily, and the number is dropping. 

I can’t fucking wait. 

Here fishie fishie

I’m back at it again. It feels good. But I have a headache. 

Landlord and moving shit has been intense. I’ve pushed all that aside to focus on making money and starving. 

In other news. I present, for your horrific pleasure, my pill regimen:

Breakfast:

Wellbutrin 

Birth control

Allergy meds

Gerd meds

Beta blocker 

Lyrica

Caffeine pill or coffee

Lunch: 

Beta blocker 

Dinner:

Beta blocker

Xanax

Cbd gummy

Lyrica (prn)

Magnesium 

Often Tylenol 

I’m glued together by pharmaceuticals. Is it effective? Yes. This has been a long road to get to this place of having it all working in harmony and working well. It just feels like a lot sometimes. 

But I don’t really care. 

I just wasn’t supposed to live this long. That’s the real problem here. 

Again.

My hormones definitely affect my ability to manage food.

It’s like the day my period starts, I can ignore the entire existence of food. But the week before that, I can’t ignore the urge to binge. 

Idk wtf to do about that... it’s the most annoying and disheartening cycle to lose weight over the course of 3 weeks, and then in one, get this “fuck it” mentality and gain most of it back. 

Like FUCK me. 

Definitely feeling like it’s easy not to eat the past couple days... I have been having a strong ass coffee in the morning and working all day with maybe a snack or two. Some nights I have dinner, and some nights I just avoid it. 

I’m done with all the planning. I’m done with a higher allotment. I’m done with breaking my own rules. I’m done with doing this journey alone. 

I realize I might be the oldest, most disordered bitch on the planet. I don’t care. Give me all the tips, notes, hacks, and inspiration. I need it all. 

I NEED to be thin. 

What the fuck ever

My weight hasn't budged in days. Major setbacks. Fucked chemical trip. Exhausted. Nauseated. I hate my fucking landlord, and hope she dies in a car accident in her big ass stupid fucking truck. 

Robin sent me photos from the past. 17yo me. I wish I had more mementos of my life at that age. I wish I remembered more about it. I wish I could re-live those times sometimes. I was on the cusp of happiness. I was engaging in life and the world and having great experiences. I was blowing minds. I was blossoming. I was finding me. I had to hide the entire process, so it's not documented well. I hate my stupid fucking ex boyfriend that thought he knew things about computers. 

I miss my collar bones. Hip bones. Feeling pretty. I literally hate old photos of myself, because I was pretty. I didn't know how pretty. I had a general clue, but I didn't know how much power I had.

Now, I am powerless and fat.

Off to cook a dinner I'm not allowed to eat. 

Foods allowed this week:

Oatmeal
Fiber cereal
Turkey and pickles
Cabbage
Egg whites

Doable. Play on tumblr, no food after work, make yourself pretty again, you stupid bitch.