Blah bleh blugh

Being sick the past week has helped me to regroup. Sick and my therapy session… 

I’m trying this week to eat reasonably. Reasonable meals around 300-500 calories each. A day of about 1,200 calories, I guess. I’m trying not to put a number to it, because I will panic and purge. I identified foods that feel both safe and that I like, so I’m sticking to those. Breakfast, lunch, snack, and light dinner so that when I drink my nightly Kombucha, mixed with my meds, it makes me feel drifty. 

It’s been so nice. 

The kombucha. Not the eating. The eating is fucking hard as shit. The kombucha feels like alcohol a bit with the whole experience of it, and it’s so fucking nice.

I don’t know what to do about losing weight, but I know restricting like I try to do ain’t gonna work. I just yo-yo. So we are attempting moderation. We’ll see. 

Todays goal - don’t binge and purge while home alone with babe. 

Meh

I don’t think throwing up dinner and drinking a kombucha instead is the best coping skill, but the past two nights it’s been the remedy. 

I’ve been working a million hours, and it’s good because I’m so broke but bad because I’m so tired. I’m also sick right now.

Throwing up one meal a day feels reasonable compared to what I was doing before, and that’s a crazy thought. 

Whenever I feel overly fully, even if it’s the only meal I ate all day, my body tells me to purge it. My body says it’s too much and I’m too fat and to get rid of it. 

I’m tired. 

Therapy on ED

 I was honest with my therapist. She was helpful. I think I really do want to try to be recovered from my relentless eating disorder. I'm so hesitant to even write that, but I'm so tired of it... I'm so tired of so many things, but especially of feeling badly. 

She says I need to be able to talk about it with people, but I have no idea who "people" could even be. She agreed hubby is not a safe person. She asked if there was anyone, and I told her honestly, no. For so many reasons, but the main one being I don't want to ever show people that side of me. I'm disgusted that that girl exists. I was more open and honest with my therapist this session than I have been in the past with any of them. I don't think she realizes this. I have never given someone the whole picture until her, therapist or otherwise, and my heart is racing right now just even realizing and typing that out... 

I don't think I really want to fully let go of the disorder, and that is hard. I think maybe I can't... I can't imagine not thinking about what I eat, or getting rid of my scale, or not trying to lose the extra weight I have on my body. I know til the day I die, the weight on the scale will matter, and that I will feel better when I see it drop. I just want to be able to shape it to fit my needs. I still want to lose weight, and I hate to admit that that is difficult for me to do that. I can't tell someone I'm bulimic - to be bulimic is to be fat and gross and smelly and disgusting and all the worst things someone can be. And yes, I do objectively think that about the other bulimics. I think Ana girls are fucked up too. I have a notion that you can look thin and beautiful and it be effortless, and THAT is what I want and aspire to. I aspire to moderation with food like it's easy and I've always existed there, and to admit I struggle with it would be a fucking deafening sound. 

She said I'm always the family hero - that I have not put that role down in life, and likely never will, basically can't now - so I'm used to being strong, but when I can't handle things, I get self-destructive. She's right. I want to find moderation with that, and hopefully in doing so can have a body I don't hate living in. I don't need to be skinny or thin - just not overweight. My metabolism is so fucked, and my eating is so weird and extreme... I don't know what to do about it...

I want moderation with all things. I want moderation with my spending, eating, emotions, work.. I don't do well. I told her I'm too extreme - I either work til I burn out or I slam on the breaks. She seems to think an outlet would help, but agreed the anon groups are nauseating. That helped... 

I have a book on eating disorders that I need to read. I'm going to make that a priority... I think a menu would help. Right now I'm just trying not to binge, because I don't want to binge and purge. I'm so fucking sick of being so disordered. I'm too old for this shit. 

I would just like to eat nutritious food. Not food that is junk and not food that is basically air - somewhere in the middle where it's simple and clean, but I actually like it. Does that exist?? I keep putting things in my walmart cart and then removing them, because I don't know what moderation with fucking anything looks like. My brain is so cemented on foods I eat for pleasure and foods I eat for weight loss. Are there other types of food?? 

We discussed alternatives to binging. I don't think her suggestions are within my means of ability, but I got the general vein, and I'm going to try to implement some things I wrote down. I'm not buying that I need to tell others. I can't. I don't want to. So maybe I get better so that I don't have to. I haven't tried to get better on my own like this. I have always just wanted to be disordered. So maybe we try that approach, and if I can't get better alone, then I will involve others. 

Too depressed and disordered

I hate my clients and job and body and relationship and life. I hate the nightmares I have all the time. I hate myself. I am completely not functioning lately.

Yesterday I didn't work. I didn't tell my husband, but I just canceled everyone. I couldn't do it. I laid in bed and binged and purged and binged and spent money I don't have on food.

My bulimia has been completely out of control for days now. 

This morning my tumblr was terminated. Which I'm fucking sad about. I was spiraling already, and now that sense of community, my progress, and the things I needed to safely keep there are all gone. IDK what I should do... make another one immediately and be more careful? Give it up? Try to be Ana without it? Let myself stop trying in the first place with my weight? Try to be normal a while and then get another one and back it up from now on? IDK... 

I'm all over the goddam place. I'm not giving a fuck about work, except I need money. I wish I could make it more easily. I skipped breakfast, purged lunch, ate candy. 

I should probably talk to my therapist about my eating, but I'm honestly scared to. What do I say?? I'm bad at eating disorders, but it's back? I'm so depressed I can barely get out of bed? I feel like she will judge me or I won't be able to express how bad I have actually been lately, and that's stressful in this. I'll schedule an appointment, but then by the time it comes around, I always seem to be doing better magically. I sent her a message, so I'm going to wait for a reply, but fuck...

I'm just at a loss lately... Why am I so fucking depressed? I moved. Into a nice house. I've lost a lot of weight - not as much as I need or want to, but I'm not a fucking whale anymore. I have my kids doing well.

I think it's money stress... I want to be able to shop, plan a trip, splurge on stuff... I can't. I'm barely scraping by with my income. I accidentally spend $100 on a subscription that I need for work, and I panic for hours. Then can't use the money for things my house needs. Then I have to calculate when and where that money will come from. It's exhausting. 

Why is everything in my life taking so fucking long? That's what I really want to know. The past 3 years have been an endless fat, poor, stunted boring mess. No vacations, no progress with my son, no newness... Three YEARS. I'm so fucking over it, and I keep being told by everyone to wait.

I think that's why I don't really think scheduling with my therapist will help. Last time she said wait. She knows I'm not stupid. She knows I've done therapy a lot. She said wait. She pep-talked me, which you wouldn't be able to tell by my blog, but I'm actually quite good at doing for myself. Like it rarely ever even helps. I leave feeling mildly better, but not enough to warrant squeezing it in. I get super low, schedule something, by the time it rolls around, I'm ok... Whatever I complain about, they don't actually know what to tell me to do.

I'm over all this shit. 

Skin

158 this morning. Not a horrendous number, but a horrendous number.

I need it to be 157. I need it to be 155. I need it to be 150. I need it to be 140. I need it to be 130.

I'm tired of this body and life. I wish I could stop existing. Existing is just so hard... 

I'm going to try to eat healthy, moderately, and just enough for the next 5 days and see what my body does. I'm going to try to get some exercise. I'm going to try not to throw my whole ass ED away, but also not give in to it so much. Almost did well yesterday... Did ok in the end, but I could have done better. 

I'm trying to lifestyle shift. I'm trying to just do differently so I don't binge. If I binge, I have to purge. Or I have to be fat. I don't want either.

I just want to feel ok in my own skin for once in my fucking life. 

Not fitting anything

I don’t think I fit in. I don’t think I know how to make friends. I don’t know what’s socially acceptable or not. I don’t know if my life choices have been good. I don’t know how much I really need or want to fit in. I just know it hurts a lot when the bleak reality that I am awkward and unlikable in many ways sets in. 

Somehow I ended up with a spouse. Two actually. And I have dragged friends with me who also over share and embody flakiness. 

I think when you’re young, some behaviors are appealing that when you’re very young are not, and when you’re older are not. These behaviors I embody. So when I was very young, I didn’t fit in. When I was a young woman, I suddenly appealed to people. I knew how to seduce a specific segment of the population. Now as an older person, I am yet again unappealing. 

I never knew how to seduce the rich ones. I don’t fit in in higher society. I didn’t even at my prime. I was awkward and had to fling my body and sexuality so hard into the wind to find a place to fit in that I compromised my sense of self, I think. Maybe I enjoyed it. In a way it was manipulation. I made a significant power move, and I won. But ultimately I was rejected. Sexuality only takes you so far. And now that aspect is gone - I am old and fat and not single. How would I find footing now? Does an education take you that far? Does a job with prestige? Does being a know it all help? I’ve had very few moments of being able to test if I would fit again, and I know they were failed moments. 

I would not be able to find someone who liked me outside of a certain type of person. I can’t imagine friends I go on vacation or trips with. Even when someone likes me, their counterparts don’t. Or my husband doesn’t fit. Or my child doesn’t.  

I see it with Dave and Mike and people online. Meg accepts me because she loves me for some insane reason. Mary accepts me for the same and her husband because he grew up in similar places. They are anomalies. The general consensus is that I am awkward and unlikeable and unattractive. I am annoying. I am bad at the games they play because I have never had the resources to play them. You can look at me and know I don’t belong. 

I only connect with those in the gutter who haven’t left the mentality of the gutter. I don’t connect with those who have never been there. I don’t connect with those who have forgotten they came from there. I connect with those who are still there or who remember very intimately what it is like. 

I look poor. I look dumb. I am those things… and I get to hide behind an absolute sham of a job pretending I have answers and feeding my ego. It must look so prestigious from the outside. I understand politics to a certain level, but then I am lost. 

And I need to understand it better. Because I need money to fit in. I need money to get clients with money. I need to project wealth to get it, but it takes a little of it to get there. 

I wish this migraine would go away. I wish I was thin. How do I lose weight more easily? I’m so stuck and I hate it.