Saturday, August 28, 2010

Need. To. Work. Harder.

I'm so dazed about what I've eaten today and what I've only contemplated eating, that I couldn't even tell you where I'm at exactly.

At some point today, I calculated a rough 700 (very rough... I'd already forgotten how many bites of what I'd eaten and how many bites of what I deemed too purge-worthy, so this could be too high or too low, for all reality says.)

I know at some point today I decided no more food (I think right after I calculated 700) and then a couple hours later, I ate and felt severe guilt - not my usual binge, per say, only a sandwich on very thick bread and some pasta, but a binge nonetheless, so I purged.

I need to regain control.

I guess that's where I'm going with this...

I'm falling back into my usual gaining cycle. Not that I've ACTUALLY gained, I just know where my behavior is headed... Trying to rationalize eating "normally," telling myself it will be okay when I KNOW it won't, telling myself that I can eat junk for one day and not gain, telling myself that I can stop being an ED girl and be a normal, healthy eater.

But the issue is I don't WANT to go through this cycle again... Because I don't know HOW to be a "normal" eater. I don't know how to sit down to a meal or rifle through my refrigerator or cabinets and choose food without analyzing, going through emotional turmoil, fretting, worrying...

And when I push all this from my mind, and tell myself it's okay to eat, I go crazy.

I lose control. I am weak and fat and disgusting and I let myself EAT for a change, and before I know it, I've consumed far more calories than a "normal" person, because the hunger just won't STOP. I plow through sugars and starches, carbohydrates, refined foods, I ignore calorie lables, fat content, and I think about nothing. I eat quick foods while I cook others, I grab bites of whatever touches my hands, I block everything out and order take-out, enough for 3 people and consume all of it alone.

Then, if I'm not drunk or ridiculously high, I panic. I start calculating once more, analyzing, googling my takeout. I realize I consumed masses of calories, more than allowed for a "normal" person, and many times more than what is allowed for me.

So I tunnel. I block out the thought process. I block out my thoughts and feelings and commit to purging it all up and starting over.

I use the release valve to get rid of the pressure, just as scientific as a machine.

Because nothing is more important in that moment than being thin.

When I look around in my life, thin is ALL I want.

I have everything else, or at least I'm heading toward everything else and feel capable of getting there.

I need inspiration.

And I need to practice being home alone and not purging. Today was a good run... Better than most by far, so I'm not mad.

I just need to work harder.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Hoooookah.

I'm planning on a 100 calorie breakfast, mostly vegetables, a 100 calorie snack at some point before going out (Lunch time-ish), and one vodka/club soda drink.

We're going to a Hookah lounge, so I don't have to drink a lot to feel is (especially with so little food in my system), and the smoking makes the hunger evaporate.

I have to go into fucking work for a few hours though, and I plan to hole up in the office and get my stuff done and not walk through the kitchen.

Think thin, ladies!

Model Mania

My new model obsession - Charlotte di Calypso.





She's FABULOUS... Known as the thinnest of the thin.

Envy.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Fiberrrr

Ate Fiber One for breakfast and had a crazy BM... Apparently I was lacking in the roughage department more than I was aware of.

The scale said 115lbs afterwhich.

I am so happy.

Today's planned intake:
B: Fiber One - 100 cals
L: Plum, Miso Soup, Sugar Free Red Bull - 75 cals
D: Salad or canned something @ 150 cals
Total: 325 cals.

Tomorrow's goal is to not eat anything until the hubby gets off of work because we're going out to drinkity-drink-drink, and I need the cals reserved. I'm planning on a piece of bread or something absorbing before we leave and then pure booze.

Fuck I just looked up tonic water and found that is has calories... I always though it didn't.

WTF, yo. I hate when that happens. It's Club Soda that doesn't have any calories...

Oh well, that mixes nicely with vodka toooooo!

Think thin, ladies!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Scale woes

300 cals so far today... I'm allowing myself 100 more to get me through the day.

Should be plenty.

The scale has been ALL over the place lately...

Yesterday it read 115.5lbs.

I ate 300 calories all day.

This morning, 117lbs.

WTF?

How is that POSSIBLE!? I'm just going to continue to barely eat and then see what it says in a couple days.

I mean, GEEZ.

Think thin, ladies.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Every day, harder.

Yesterday was hard.

Today total = 300 cals.

And I'm done eating for the day.

K couldn't have us over because he woke up sick today.

That worked out better for me anyway... I have another week until a forced dinner.

Tomorrow is grocery day, and the days that follow will be difficult, but I know I will survive.

I just need to try harder. Every day, harder.

Think thin, ladies.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Fail

Fail, fail, fail.

Why when I get confident that I can stop eating, do I EAT and EAT!?!?

B&P twice today.

My throat is swollen on the inside.

I may have to purge tomorrow's dinner at K's house if the scale deems it necessary tomorrow morning.

Fuck me, I hate myself.

The routine of not tasting

Eating (or rather, NOT eating) has become a routine that I don't think about as much as just do it.

I start off my every morning with a step onto the scale (This morning, 115lbs was my weight. It's okay, considering I had a couple rough days lately, and gained INSTANTLY. It's all gone now though.)

Then I wait for the hunger to become blinding. To the point where I want to run into the kitchen and binge, binge, binge.

BUT instead of doing that, I eat oatmeal or fiber cereal. (100 cals.)

This leads to a BM pretty immediately, after-which I weigh myself again (I don't know WHY, exactly... I have that cereal in my stomach, and the number is usually the same.)

I then flip through fashion magazines and look at the fabulous models and tell myself that I have the ability to do this if I don't fuck up TODAY. That is the vital part. Every day counts.

Then I go about my day until I have to go to work.

At work, I wait again until the hunger is overtaking me and I find myself picking up things (like bread, nuts, etc.) and putting them back down. Mentally slapping myself on the top of the hand.

"Bad Cally! Don't eat that!"

I then have a plum, brought from home or half an apple. (30 cals)

When that's all gone, I pour myself a Sugarfree Red Bull (10 cals) into a cup with ice, and then every time I feel like I want to nibble, I sip it.

One sip, two sips, set back down.

I do this until I've had the entire thing, and then usually by this time, the dinner rush is upon us, and I don't have time to eat a bite.

If it's slow, I wait again for sickening hunger pains and I eat a Cup-o-soup packet (45 cals) but usually this is skipped, for lack of time.

Then, if I get through my entire shift without eating anything more, I allow myself food at home. (No more than 200 cals) but only if I think I can stop after the 200 cals. If I feel insanely hungry to the point of fatigue and deprivation, and I'm scared to eat, sometimes I just don't eat.

This is my ideal routine, and sometimes I don't exactly hit it... Sometimes the soup is traded for another item or the bread wins and I skip the soup AND my meal at home (which was the case last night) or something along those lines.

Last night was not ideal, but I am SO proud of myself.

The hubby and I got into a terrible fight before work (nothing to worry about, he's just insecure sometimes) and then when I got to work there was SO much drama. Gossiping, managers not handling things properly, BULLSHIT. And we were slammed.

All I wanted to do was order pasta with cheese and a sandwich and pig OUT. I was sooo close to a binge, I literally had to take myself into the back hallway and give myself a pep-talk.

"Cally, no. This will only make you unhappier. If you eat it and let it digest, you will be mad when the scale tomorrow reflects it. And if you eat it and purge, you will only be mad that you did it and your mood the rest of the night will be worse either way!"

I breathed in and out and then I was fine. I went back to my Sugarfree Red Bull.

I feel like I'm on the track to thinness.

I feel like one of the major points to all of this is honestly not to think about what something will taste like, but just to eat it.

I can't really ask myself what I'm "in the mood for" because if I do, I think about all the shitty food I want to eat, and I fuck up.

I have to eat by the numbers, and just mindlessly prepare and start eating an item whether the first bite tastes good or not.

Then once I've begun eating the item, I savor its taste. I try to think about all the good elements of its flavor and how when I'm done I won't feel hungry and how it's satisfying me SO much.

It's working.

I just hope I can stick with this routine for as long as possible!

Not Monday thought. Monday a friend of mine is having the hubby and I over for dinner, and I will have to eat a meal.

I plan to NOT eat a bite before said meal and then pick, pick, pick while I'm there...

Wish me luck!

And think thin, ladies.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Catty Bitch

This is a pissy, bitchy post, so if you're not in the mood, don't read on:

Things that piss me off: (Alternate title: "Girls that piss me off")

Girls who are fat and don't realize.

Girls who are fat and don't care. I care. The sight of you offends me.

Girls that are fat, realize it, and don't do anything about it because they have no will power, but constantly WHINE about it. Shut UP. If you want to change yourself, just fucking DO it and stop complaining!

Girls that tell me I'm getting too thin because they want me to be as fat as then and stop making them feel bad about themselves.

Girls who are naturally sticks and can eat anything they want and still be extremely tiny.

Girls whose profile pictures are intended to be sexy but instead are just gross because their bodies are not cute.

Girls who get in relationships and blow up like blimps and don't even attempt to lose it before their wedding, forever immortalizing their fat asses in their wedding photos.

Girls who blow up like blimps for no apparent reason, other then they think they can eat like they're 12 years old still.

Girls who think they're getting older, and that's why they're going up in sizes every time they go to the store to shop. News flash, whatever size you were at 15-18ish is what size you can maintain for YEARS. You're not growing anywhere except out.

Girls who have, or are someone's, "fat buddy." (You know, like you go to eat somewhere and you see two chicks gorging themselves on pizza and giggling, when BOTH of them should be at the GYM instead of a pizza place because they are BOTH really fat.)

Girls who complain about being hungry all the time. Either eat or shut the fuck up about it. I'm hungry too, but I don't complain.

Girls who say, "Oh, I shouldn't be eating this!" while they're eating junk food. Then don't fucking eat it, bitch, and if you're going to, shut UP about it and go throw it up after quietly too.

Girls who are really fucking rude to their nice guy who is OBVIOUSLY cuter than them and deserves someone not so fucking fat and nice. (Especially when said girl is pigging out on fucking PASTA at a fucking TGI Friday's.)

Girls who order pasta at restaurants in the first place.

Girls that think ordering a salad is the end-all of dieting. Um, your "Salad" with fried chicken and ranch and cheese and bacon has more calories than a fucking Big Mac. Educate yourself and don't think that you can eat whatever you want on a "salad" and somehow it's better for you.

Girls who are fat and their profile picture is of them EATING something bad for them. Um, hello! WTF are you DOING!? I mean, besides ruining any respect people have for you.

Girls who think a week of slimfast is going to make them look better. 1.) IT's not, and even if it does, you'll look like shit a week after. 2.) You're a cranky-ass bitch that entire week, and I'm sick of putting up with you. 3.) You can eat actual food for fewer calories. Weightloss is not supposed to be easy, bitch. Man up and make some actual fucking food and take a moment to count it's calories.

Girls who think a "diet" is something you do for a couple weeks so you can look good for a couple days and then go back to all the shit they were eating before and turn back into a fat cow. Newsflash, just stop eating shit altogether, and you will actually be thin!

Girls who think that hair, makeup, and clothes offset how fat you look. They don't.

Girls who make jokes about how fat they are. A little heads up for you, everyone else is too.

Girls who look ashamed when they're eating shit because they ARE fat. If it makes you feel ashamed, AND you still look bad, maybe you should consider bulimia, because at least then the shame is worth it and you aren't a whale.

Girls who are fat and think their boyfriends shouldn't cheat on them. Honestly, why is he dating you in the first place? You should be happy he's having sex with you at all, because I'm sure the sight of waves of fat jiggling is not exactly a turn-on.

Girls who run around in bikinis, who should be fully clothed. Just because they're "in" doesn't mean they're meant for you. I don't even know why they make them in your size. And the same goes for skinny jeans.

Girls who talk about how much they love to "work out" who look like they've never set foot in a gym. I don't care if you used to be heavier, you're still heavy. So keep your gym talk to a minimum until you look like Jillian Michaels.

Fat girls who work at gyms or teach fitness classes. That's not exactly my goal, so why would I do what this person is doing?

Girls who get really fat when they get pregnant. You're only eating for yourself and a fucking unborn baby, not an army. You should only up your calories by 300 a DAY, not 3,000 a sitting. Heidi Klum? That's your pregnancy goal. Stick thin with a baby bump. No man wants you to pop out a baby and look like a fat cow for a year afterward.

Girls who don't lose the pregnancy fat very quickly or at all. Tori Spelling popped out 2 kids and looked ana within months. Anyone can.

That's all for now... I could probably do this all night, but I better not.

If you fall into any of these categories, please don't be offended... But wake the fuck up.

On the right track

The scale read 115.5lbs this morning, pre-BM.

Yessss.

I went shopping to celebrate... Wonderful way to celebrate weight loss, btw because it also makes you aware of how much more you have to do.

I would like to drop these last 5lbs and then evaluate, and possibly sent another GW.

The hubby and I worked out this morning together... It was SO nice. I burned about 200 cals on the eliptical and then we went to Subway for lunch (my breakfast).

Calories today:
B: Subway 6in Sub on Wheat, Metromint Water - 180 (I only ate half the bread)
L: Ricecake, Plum, Diet Coke - 75
D: ??? Who knows yet...

My total for today so far is 255.. I'm thinking I can get by with another plum and popcorn and a crystal light pop, making my total 400 today.

Plan set.

Friday, August 13, 2010

On second thought

Rough night at work tonight... Calories all over the place, mia, BLAHHHH...

The scale said 117 when I weighed this morning... I wish this would DROP more/faster.

I need to re-double my efforts tomorrow... I work from noon until close, so I plan on a LIGHT day.

I'm just so fucking HUNGRY lately, and all I want is junk, junk, junk.

I had planned a mini binge tonight... Bought a sandwich from work and a candy bar, but then when I got home, I went to check the mail and found a picture on the ground of a girl in a Camaro in a bikini...

Thin as FUCK.

I realized how fucking TERRIBLE of an idea eating was.

Diet Coke it is.

Think thin, ladies.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Making it happen

300 cals so far today, and I'm going to only eat 100 more. About to throw in a workout as well, even though I feel sick as shit... I think my body is not used to such little food... But I'm going to make it happen.

I need to get it back... I'm tired of being a whale, feeling guilty, wanting to look better but not making myself do it.

It's time to just DO it. What's stopping me? NOTHING...

MYself.

And that's pathetic.

I'm no longer going to stand in the way of myself and what I want.

I'm going to be thin. Thin, thin, thin.

Just keep chanting it until it comes true.

10 pound goal starting today.

Resolution

Okay... I've got to get serious.

FUCK this weight.

Days of eating high cal food = gone. Days of avoiding workouts = gone.

Back to the 500 cals a day. Once that's strongly established, I'll lower it.

My resolution is once again strengthening, sharpening.

I WILL fucking do this.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Whale on the scale

Today's goals:
Only eat celery all day long.
Drag my flabby ass through some semblance of a workout.

My scale still fucking says 119... I need to change that... Last night is NOT the way to change that.

I feel like my stomach is shrinking back down to my pre-honeymoon size, but I'm still a fucking whale on the scale.

Tonight is Chevy's last night at work... Thank God.

Explitives

I.

Am.

Such.

A.

Fuck-up.

I didn't go to G's birthday... I should have... I just didn't want to be around Chevy.

And then I got emotional.

Fuck me.

I'm huge.