Monday, September 28, 2015

Random boy contemplations

I'm going on a cruise to Mexico in December. Maybe with Laura and maybe not... She tends to flake on things, and the boyfriend is dying to go... So we'll just see how it plays out. Suddenly she's annoyed with me, and I know it's because I'm not going to be single when we go if he and I stay toether...

And I want to stay together.

If there's another incident, I know that won't be the case, but I think he's had another relationship-altering realization. I just wish they didn't always come with such a fucking price tag and process.

And Paul... I feel like at this point, there's probably not anything to even really write about, but... My dream last night was weird. Honestly, it pissed me off, and I wish I could stop dreaming about him. But, I think it made me realize that I had different thoughts about him than what reality possibly is.

I thought he was nice.

He seems nice and acts nice, but I don't think he's really a nice guy... It's sad, but I think maybe he used to be. Maybe that fat kid in middle school was a nice guy, but college and restaurants changed him. And his issue with me, aside from the technicalities, is that I demand that he behave like that nice guy, and he doesn't want to.

He didn't let me in. He pretended to, but when it came down to it, he didn't. I always see the truth in people and their vulnerability, but I have an issue with people that won't let me share in their weak parts. I don't hurt people. And I allow myself to be vulnerable with people that I connect with. When they refuse to do it in return, I see it as almost an insult. He refused to let me in to his vulnerability point, and that is so rare that I didn't know how to handle it.
I want someone to be nice to me and put effort into me and not someone that I have to worry about their loyalty. I don't think he's right for me, aside from the Christopher thing... And that is exactly what I intend to tell him if he ever mentions any of this. I'm glad I just worked that out, actually because I was having a bit on anxiety about this situation when that's not really necessary...

We haven't spoken to each other directly since the night I told him I'd be leaving him alone and he apologized. I saw him a week later in passing, but he didn't even try to say hi to me... Just got super uncomfortable.

He can't even behave like my friend...

We shall see on Tuesday how he behaves, but I honestly don't think he is invested enough to even ask me how I am, and that's pretty sad, really. He guards himself so closely that he can't let me in. And I can't deal with people like that, except to let them go.

So, it will just be something that happened. Someone who touched my life and taught me a lesson but who won't mean anything more to me in the future. And that's sad, really, because I know if a few things were different that he could have won me over and I him, and we could have been something quite nice. He's now another Chevy. And Ryan. While Bogs and Bird and Gerard are in their own little category... Sad, really, how life can be. How people can be such a focus in your life until they disappoint you and you them. Then, suddenly you change direction and they mean nothing excepet memories and lessons.

But, alas, 300 cals for breakfast. Cruise is approaching, and this girl intends to be bikini ready. Grapes for a snack, and spaghetti squash for dinner possibly... Think thin, always.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015


 Erik sent me this song... It perfectly describes how Paul is making me feel...  It's good and it's bad... I just don't know where to go from here.

Baby, I don’t want to spend my life on trial
For something that I did not do
And maybe if you stopped and looked around some time
I wouldn’t pass right by you

Maybe it’s because you are so insecure
Maybe your plain don’t care
Maybe it’s the chase that really gets me off
I fall so when it’s just not there

Burn another bridge, break another heart
Try again, it will only fall apart

Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me
It’s such a shame that you shot me down
It would have been nice to be around
I’m touching your skin
If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?
I guess this must be infatuation (I want it…)

Try to put my finger on what burns me up
It always seems to escape me
And when you have decided that you’ve had enough
Just tell me where I need to be

Now her face is something that I never had
To ever deal with before
She left me with the feeling that she’d had enough
And I’m the one wanting more

Burn another bridge, break another heart
Try again, it will only fall apart

Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me
It’s such a shame that you shot me down
It would have been nice to be around
I’m touching your skin
If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?
And I guess this must be infatuation (I want it…)

I’m so attracted to you
The feeling’s mutual too
And I get scared the moment you leave
Get so hot I forget to breathe, yeah

Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me
It’s such a shame that you shot me down
It would have been nice to be around
I’m touching your skin
If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?
I guess this must be infatuation (I want it…)
Ooh (I want it…)
Ooh (I want it…)
Yeah… (I want it…)

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

My new life

He doesn't want to close the door. Ok, so I'll leave it cracked, but I'm not walking through it. I put the ball squarely in his court. He saw my crazy; now, we just wait and see what happens.

He apologized. And he didn't have to. And he listened to me. I know he will be around. I know he will miss us and that he doesn't want to let go. And if he did let go, I think I'd still be ok...

I want him in my life. Not to date or be with, but I want him there in some way; at least for a little while. I don't think it will work out, but he's given me the push I need to let go of this situation and know that it is possible to meet someone who is infatuated with me and who can physically satisfy my needs as well. Even at my current weight, someone likes me and wants me around. Even when I act like a crazy bitch and have drama, he wants me. He wants me once I'm done with my process.

And I want to begin that process. I want to start it and do it and end it and maintain my composure and keep my grades up and my bank account full and not get desperate. I want him to ask me when he can see me and to make an effort and create time, and I want to say no a couple times. I want to go slowly and see if it is something I actually want for once. I don't want to rush in and get over my head and lose my composure this time.

I want to be alone. Desperately and completely alone. I don't need attention anymore. I just need alone for a while. I don't want to date my boyfriend, I don't want to listen to my mom or Jenn, and I don't want anyone in my business. I want to be free. I want to live for me for a while. I want to withdraw and find music and peace and solitude and travel somewhere and do something amazing. I want to have goals and dreams for only me and live for only me for a while.

I just need it soon.

Sunday, September 13, 2015


Excerpt from a paper...

The word “empathy”has always had a strong meaning to me in my life. When I was a child, probably around the age of 10, I had a rough relationship with my younger brother. We fought and argued, as many 10 and 7 year old siblings do. But my mother, unlike most, did not tolerate such behavior. We would be questioned, scolded and punished for arguments that took on anything less than a civilized tone. As I got older, I found it infuriating that children I came into contact with were allowed to display emotion in a way that I was not. They were allowed to tell their sibling they hated them, forbid them to touch their things or to hang out with their friends, and even possibly get in a good hit now and then. My life was not like this.

I remember being in the car alone with my mother one day after school, and she suddenly started addressing my attitude toward my brother. She accused me of being resentful and spiteful and rude to someone who idealized me more than any other person. She got emotional. She told me I would ruin our relationship for the rest of my life if I did not learn to truly appreciate it then. She told me I should put myself in his shoes and learn to be thoughtful. She told me not to be so selfish.   

I think that many people do not realize that in order to be empathetic and sincere, we have to shed as much selfishness as we humanly can. We have to shun the idea that our own lot in life matters most, that we are just as, if not more, important than others, and that we have it all figured out. We have to truly and fully put ourselves secondary in our own minds. The reason that many people do not choose empathy and sincerity is because to practice these things opens us up to a true possibility of emotional pain. When we empathize and someone does not return the favor, it feels like rejection; when we are sincere and met with insincerity, it feels like rejection. True empathy and sincerity is allowing ourselves possible rejection with the sincere hope that, instead, that person will allow us to connect with them fully and understand their plight.

The most emotionally stable people are the ones who realize that emotional stability is a myth. We all experience the same human emotions that sometimes consume our thoughts and make us feel them on a much deeper level than what we are comfortable with. A truly emotionally stable person is not one who fights these things, but learns to interpret what they mean when they arise. Instead of suppressing secondary human emotions on one end of the spectrum, or wallowing in them at the other end, emotionally stable people learn to fall somewhere in the middle. They allow themselves to feel raw and powerful emotion, but they do not allow that emotion to take them over. They analyze where it is coming from, why it is there, and what they can do with that information.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

What is love?

People have the wrong idea about love. 

The misconception is that you'll find someone who is perfect to you. That you'll have attraction and passion and be compatible in every way. And you'll be head over heels in love with each other and best friends and never dream of leaving each other or ever even want to. 

The reality is not this. The reality is you'll find someone you love, but sometimes you may not like them. You'll argue and fight and have a lot of differences that sometimes cause problems. 

The key is to make the choice. Being with someone you love isn't about some fairy tale romance where nothing goes wrong. It's about deciding that the person you're with is worth every negative thing they have to offer and committing to make it work forever.

You don't just happen upon an amazing relationship if you wait long enough. You create one once you find someone you feel is worth the effort and once you choose that no matter what, you love the other person enough to make it work and they love you just the same. 

Thursday, September 3, 2015

17 days

It's been 17 days since I began to hate my boyfriend, and it's not getting any better. In fact, I think it's worse...

I don't want him anymore. I want him to leave, and I don't think I even care what happens to him. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish he could have made this work, but I don't think he can and I can't compensate anymore. I won't.

So he's on the air mattress, and I'm in the bedroom. Night after night lately. We're only roommates, and I'm ok with that. And if I had anywhere else to go, I would.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Physically a wreck

My body is a wreck...

First, I got a disgusting sinus infection that would not effing go away... It weakened my immune system and hung on so badly that I ended up getting a yeast infection. Lovely. Then I started antibiotics to treat both infections and while it's working, it's too strong and fucked up my birth control so I'm having breakthrough bleeding mid-pack (Since I barley ever have a full on period these days because of my stress level.) I could not figure out why I had cramps all fucking day long. Then it all fit together. To top it off, my shoulder is sooo fucked up that I can barely even take a full breath in without wincing... I'm fucking miserable. 

So currently rocking the end of a sinus infection, the middle of a yeast infection, and beginning period symptoms with a busted ass shoulder. 

All because of stress. Motherfucking stress. Brought on by the ninny I live with. Who I'm not taking it easy on. 

Probably a good thing this all came about tho or I would be at Paul's house tonight... 

Not helping me to figure my life out, to be quite honest.