He doesn't want to close the door. Ok, so I'll leave it cracked, but I'm not walking through it. I put the ball squarely in his court. He saw my crazy; now, we just wait and see what happens.
He apologized. And he didn't have to. And he listened to me. I know he will be around. I know he will miss us and that he doesn't want to let go. And if he did let go, I think I'd still be ok...
I want him in my life. Not to date or be with, but I want him there in some way; at least for a little while. I don't think it will work out, but he's given me the push I need to let go of this situation and know that it is possible to meet someone who is infatuated with me and who can physically satisfy my needs as well. Even at my current weight, someone likes me and wants me around. Even when I act like a crazy bitch and have drama, he wants me. He wants me once I'm done with my process.
And I want to begin that process. I want to start it and do it and end it and maintain my composure and keep my grades up and my bank account full and not get desperate. I want him to ask me when he can see me and to make an effort and create time, and I want to say no a couple times. I want to go slowly and see if it is something I actually want for once. I don't want to rush in and get over my head and lose my composure this time.
I want to be alone. Desperately and completely alone. I don't need attention anymore. I just need alone for a while. I don't want to date my boyfriend, I don't want to listen to my mom or Jenn, and I don't want anyone in my business. I want to be free. I want to live for me for a while. I want to withdraw and find music and peace and solitude and travel somewhere and do something amazing. I want to have goals and dreams for only me and live for only me for a while.
I just need it soon.