Monday, September 28, 2015

Random boy contemplations

I'm going on a cruise to Mexico in December. Maybe with Laura and maybe not... She tends to flake on things, and the boyfriend is dying to go... So we'll just see how it plays out. Suddenly she's annoyed with me, and I know it's because I'm not going to be single when we go if he and I stay toether...

And I want to stay together.

If there's another incident, I know that won't be the case, but I think he's had another relationship-altering realization. I just wish they didn't always come with such a fucking price tag and process.

And Paul... I feel like at this point, there's probably not anything to even really write about, but... My dream last night was weird. Honestly, it pissed me off, and I wish I could stop dreaming about him. But, I think it made me realize that I had different thoughts about him than what reality possibly is.

I thought he was nice.

He seems nice and acts nice, but I don't think he's really a nice guy... It's sad, but I think maybe he used to be. Maybe that fat kid in middle school was a nice guy, but college and restaurants changed him. And his issue with me, aside from the technicalities, is that I demand that he behave like that nice guy, and he doesn't want to.

He didn't let me in. He pretended to, but when it came down to it, he didn't. I always see the truth in people and their vulnerability, but I have an issue with people that won't let me share in their weak parts. I don't hurt people. And I allow myself to be vulnerable with people that I connect with. When they refuse to do it in return, I see it as almost an insult. He refused to let me in to his vulnerability point, and that is so rare that I didn't know how to handle it.
I want someone to be nice to me and put effort into me and not someone that I have to worry about their loyalty. I don't think he's right for me, aside from the Christopher thing... And that is exactly what I intend to tell him if he ever mentions any of this. I'm glad I just worked that out, actually because I was having a bit on anxiety about this situation when that's not really necessary...

We haven't spoken to each other directly since the night I told him I'd be leaving him alone and he apologized. I saw him a week later in passing, but he didn't even try to say hi to me... Just got super uncomfortable.

He can't even behave like my friend...

We shall see on Tuesday how he behaves, but I honestly don't think he is invested enough to even ask me how I am, and that's pretty sad, really. He guards himself so closely that he can't let me in. And I can't deal with people like that, except to let them go.

So, it will just be something that happened. Someone who touched my life and taught me a lesson but who won't mean anything more to me in the future. And that's sad, really, because I know if a few things were different that he could have won me over and I him, and we could have been something quite nice. He's now another Chevy. And Ryan. While Bogs and Bird and Gerard are in their own little category... Sad, really, how life can be. How people can be such a focus in your life until they disappoint you and you them. Then, suddenly you change direction and they mean nothing excepet memories and lessons.

But, alas, 300 cals for breakfast. Cruise is approaching, and this girl intends to be bikini ready. Grapes for a snack, and spaghetti squash for dinner possibly... Think thin, always.

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