Thursday, April 21, 2011

Nothing like a binge and purge to celebrate

I should not drink.

The hubby and I decided to go out for a drink to celebrate having a job. (And frankly, we both just wanted to get out of the house.) So, I thought, "Why not!? I can go to the gym later!"

Big. Mistake.

2 vodkas on an empty stomach, and I was DRUNK. Then I started eating. Fried food, wings, chips and spinach dip, whatever. I pigged out.

I asked the bartender where the restroom was, intent to purge it all up. She said, "It's out of order right now, and trust me, you do NOT want to go in there."

I was SO drunk I almost said, "All I want to do is throw up, it's not like I need it to be that clean."

But I managed to somehow get to the car without spilling my secrets.

We stopped for gas. Gas station bathroom = easy to purge. I locked myself in and got rid of the calories and alcohol.

Then I thought, "Well, I've already thrown up, might as well keep going." SO we stopped for ice cream. I ate THREE bowls with whipped cream and a snack cake and purged again at home.

Now my head is THROBBING. I drank 3 glasses of water and it didn't help.

BUT, the impulse is gone now... I ate everything I wanted to eat (a.k.a. everything in sight), had 2 easy purges, and I feel okay. I feel like I could go another week without any binge moments.

Weird how sometimes B&P's make me feel SO bad... Like a horrible person who is just disgusting and awful and depressed... And sometimes they make me feel BETTER... Not better as in well or healthy, but better as in, "I enjoyed that."

That's really sick, isn't it?

New job and calories

I have a job.

Finally.

They started me a bit higher than they originally said, AND I was told within 90 days, I'd get a significant pay raise.

I'm SO relieved, you wouldn't believe it.

The scale said I'm 119.5lbs this morning. Thank the baby Jesus, all the weight I gained last week is almost gone. It should all be by tomorrow, when we're supposed to hang out with Wes and Noel. Not a moment too soon!

Now to KEEP it off and lose a bit more...

Today's intake:
B: Nothing
L: 1/2 can tuna, 1TB FF Mayo, banana peppers, lettuce, 1/2 a small tortilla- 150 cals.
S: Yogurt cup - 80 cals
D: Cup of beef stew - 250 cals (planned)
Total: 480 cals

Planned output:
Cross trainer on lowest setting -300 cals
Weights @ 20-30 minutes - 50 cals
Total: 350 cals

Sounds lovely. I say lowest setting on the cross trainer because I was looking in the mirror the other day and I think my legs are bulking up a bit... And I DO NOT want that! Muscle knees? No thank you. Time to down the resistance and up the time.

I hope you ladies are having a wonderful day!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Possible job, gym, and low cals

I have an interview tomorrow!

I saw an ad online today for a bike shop (think Kawasaki/dirtbikes, not Harley's) that was hiring and said to apply in person. I went in, had an immediate interview, and have a follow up tomorrow.

The man that interviewed me today loved me, so I'm sure it will go well tomorrow. It's not a lot of money, but honestly I'm fucking desperate. I'm still going to apply for better jobs elsewhere once I start and if something better comes along, I'll take it, but for now... Anything is better than nothing.

After this morning's frustration, I've decided that I'm going to put aside a bit of money over the next few weeks and buy a new scale. This one to be exact. It has amazing reviews on multiple websites. I'm excited!

And then, as soon as I get to my goal weight, I'm planning something for the hubby and mine's one year anniversary. It's in 3 months, so I'll have time to save for it. And time to be super effin' bikini ready.

Hopefully we'll be able to afford to do something... If he finds something making at least as much as myself... We might get to do something nice.

I'll be tan and thin by then, regardless.

In other news...

I ate 485 calories today and burned 300 at the gym. I feel SO good about today. I wasn't even that hungry, and I didn't have any bingey moments at all today. It was a nice change.

I'm hoping by tomorrow morning when I weigh in I'll have lost another pound.

We shall see!

Sweet dreams, Ladies. I hope you're all shrinking by the moment. ♥

I need a new scale

SO, apparently the hubby kicked my scale last night on his way to the bathroom. (Normally he uses the master bathroom and I use the guest bathroom, but I was already asleep and he didn't want to wake me. He's not aware that I leave me scale in the middle of the floor.) Now this morning, I can't get an accurate number.

It's SO touchy. That damn thing. I think I reset it properly... I was in the bathroom for about 20 minutes fiddling with it. I think it's set like it was, but I don't even know.

I wish I could weigh in somewhere! My gym doesn't have a scale. It's against their policy. I know, ridiculous... It's because it's the gym in town where a lot of overweight people exercise. It's supposed to be a gym where everyone can be comfortable, blah, blah... It's the cheapest gym in town.

I need to buy a new one, but I can't afford it right now.

FML. This is annoying.

Well, if I DID set it back right, then I didn't gain over yesterday... In fact, I lost a pound. I don't know if I believe that, so I'm just going to leave it how it's set and weigh in again tomorrow after I have a good day today.

We shall see!

Too much day

I ate more than I intended to today. I let my emotions and hormones get the best of me. I ended my day at around a thousand cals... Too much.

All of today has been too much.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see how mean the scale is tommrrow.

I hope I didn't gain. All I want is 3 pounds off by friday. Now I don't know if I can even accomplish that...

FML.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Jobless, gym watching, and Crystal Renn

I'm feeling bad today.

I found out from my previous boss that I probably cannot ever get a job with my previous employer because after they transferred me and I quit with no notice, I'm not eligible for re-hire.

Lovely.

Not to mention that I have a grand total of $50 to my name. The hubby and I are broke. And I want a good job. A real job. I've been working really hard on my resume, and I think it's wonderful... I just need the right person to read it.

Oh, discouragement. I know you're trying to interfere with my weight loss. Namely in the form of a can of Light Whipped Cream in my fridge that I should just THROW AWAY. 2 TB a mere 15 cals? No big! But, alas. The number of TBs I've had today? Who knows.

And the hubs and I decided to take a gym day off today for the sake of our sore achy muscles, so no burn there. If I just manage to keep it in check today

B: Cereal and grapes - 140 cals
L: Turkey and Popcorn - 140 cals
S: Whipped Cream and Craisins- ??? Should have purged it; would have been easy.
D: Chicken soup and salad planned - 200ish.

Total: Over where it should be.

I'm struggling REALLY hard right now because of that 'ole "You already fucked it up so you may as well eat [insert non-ana-approved food here] as well!" But, I won't let it get to me.

I HAVE to be thinner by this weekend! I'm going to try and do around 300 jumping jacks today so I at least have some sort of exercise...

In other less saddening news...

I'm a huge people watcher. Aren't we all? Isn't that a huge part of an ED girl?

And lately going to the gym, I keep seeing people that I think, "Wow." I mean, there are many "Ew"s as well, that's a given, but 2 specific "Wow"s that have made me ponder things a LOT.

"Wow," number 1.) I saw this girl doing the thigh machine like her life depended on it, over and over, a ridiculous number of reps. (I was on the machine behind her so it didn't look super creepy or stalkerish that I was watching her.) And she was SO thin. I mean, skinny, skinny skinny. And the intensity of her face... I saw ana in her.

But then I stopped for a minute because if I had not seen her in THIS moment. With THIS feverish intensity and panic in her eyes, I would never have guessed it.

In fact, a few moments later, she was up and off the machine, drinking water with a half smile on her face, and she looked completely NORMAL. Extremely thin, granted, but normal nonetheless.

And while I was sweatily away, I was thinking, WHY? Why does she look normal when anyone else her size would look anorexic?

And then it dawned on me: It's because she was tan.

This was groundbreaking to me... Not that she was tan, our gym offers tanning, but that tan really does equate healthy in our society. She looked totally fine.

I can think of countless girls that I could apply this to. Weird, huh?

"Wow" number 2.) I saw a girl who HAD to have been about 8 months pregnant working out. It gave me SO much hope, you can't even imagine.

I'm honestly horrified of giving birth. I WILL do it one day because I want a child. If I were not married, I'll be honest, I would adopt, but the hubs is SET on having "our own kids." (Yeah, because it doesn't have to come out of HIS hoo-hah. And because HE doesn't have to stretch out his body to have it.)

But you know, you always see celebrities and the like having babies and staying stick thin. Rachel Zoe, Heidi Klum, etc... But to see a REAL girl who was thin and working out with a huge bump made me realize I, Cally C, can do that TOO! I can go to the gym when I'm prego and make sure that once that baby is out of me, I lose the weight QUICK and keep it off.

It was a nice realization..

Okay, one more topic and I'm done for the day... I'm reading Crystal Renn's book, and honestly, I'm not impressed.

I thought it would be good, but I just don't love it.

So, you gave up your ED and you think that because you're such an amazing model you're going to change the fashion industry or the world's (or at least Europe and the US's) view of beauty? Not going to happen. And all her statements about how there's no PROOF that being fat is bad for you... It was all a bit much. I'm GOING to finish the book, but I disagree with a lot of what she has to say. Namely all of chapter 5, which for me is ruining the book overall.

It starts out good but gets a bit "wah-wah" as Tyra would say.

We'll see how it ends!

Well, off to apply for jobs. And try not to eat. Fucking stupid emotions flaring up during period week. Blarrrgh.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Woes and workouts

Sorry for my lack of posts lately.

The past week has been hectic, to say the least.

That weekend at my parent's house lead to a horrid downward spiral. I spent 2 nights at their house, and ALL. I. DID. WAS. EAT.

For 3 days, I binged and purged in the master bathroom where no one could hear me. With my hubby, parents, brother, grandmother, and great aunt all staying there with 2 dogs and a cat, sneaking off was too easy. And all my family members think I'm "too thin," so no one questioned the amount I was eating.

It was a hideous weekend.

When I got home, the scale was not nice to me. It said I was fat again, Back to 123/4/5/6/something pounds, and bloated as a motherfucker. I don't even remember the exact number, I just know it caused me to have a total fucking meltdown. I gained around 2 pounds A DAY while I was there. The day I wrote my last post, I had a major breakdown. Sobbing and crying and wanting to die. I don't normally want to DIE, but REALLY I did. And that hasn't happened in a long time.

So I did what I knew was best for me. I told myself that I had to put my ED [mostly] aside for a few days and just focus on finding a job. SO, I did that for 4 days. I ate what the hubs ate and didn't think about it.

But! We got to Friday of the week and Wes and Noel wanted to hang out, and I told the hubby NO. I gained weight and I didn't want to see ANYONE, much less Noel of all people. I realized that I had a week to lose the weight I put on in a matter of days and that I HAD to because this weekend I can't put them off again.

My emotions have calmed down significantly. I've had to just glaze over about certain things and not think about them too much or I'll have a panic attack. I'm starting to REALLY freak out about not having any income. I'm applying for a couple more days (one of the positions is for a company I previously worked for for 2 years, so I think I have a shot at that one) and then I'm going to the mall to get a job ANYWHERE.

The past 3 days have been REALLY good for me on the weight loss front. I've gone to the gym all 3 days and burned about 350 cals each day (In about 25 minutes on the cross trainer, so my heart rate is through the roof when I'm done!) and my intake has been LOW. I've basically been eating nothing all day and reserving my calories for dinner and then eating one larger meal.

I've lost a lot of the weight I had gained. It's hard to believe it was only 10 days ago I weighed 118.5lbs. This morning, the scale was not that nice. I don't even want to talk about it, honestly. I'm just hoping that I can keep my week workout central so that this weekend on double date night I look/feel thin.

I'll tell you when I'm back to 118lbs.

Then 110lbs is just around the corner.

A bit of Charlotte di Calypso thinspo. She is my FAVORITE model.



Lovely.

Think thin, ladies. ♥

Monday, April 11, 2011

Shittiest weekend ever

All I did this weekend was purge (4 times in 2 days, to be exact) nasty food I didn't really even want to eat.

I feel so disgusting.

Like I want to die.

I need something to get better and turn around fast for me.

I'm getting so fed up with my life and how everything is going wrong... I'm about to LOSE it.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Greek Antipasto Salad recipe and buffet ramblings

Today's intake:
B: Fruit cup and unsweet tea: 50 cals
L: Buffet meal: Wonton soup (minus half the wonton and none of the filling) green beans, mushrooms, broccoli, carrots, and about 3 bites of meat: 300-400 cals?I have NO idea.
D: About half a cup of the veg salad I made yesterday: 30cals

WHICH I realized I never posted! So, it is actually at the bottom of this post.

In other news, Chinese buffets are awful places.

Duh, I guess. But really...

I haven't actually been to one since college, when I was FAT fat, and I forgot how AWFUL they are. It's a buffet of despair. Cheap, sub-par food, an outdated visage, hefty customers, and guilt on every person's face.

My own included. And the bulimic inside of me was longing so desperately to go back for plate after plate after plate and then go throw it all up in the bathroom. If I had been alone, I would have done just that.

I hate buffets in a group environment. I love them when it's just myself and the hubby because he doesn't care what I eat, and I can pick at anything that looks healthy. But in a group, everyone always examines your choices, talks about trying everything, and looks at what you eat.

And the looks at my plate were questioning tonight.

What-ever.

Noel can keep her issues to herself. When it came time for dessert, she had to be talked into it, and it was OBVIOUS she wanted it. I don't even WANT these things anymore. The stress is too much for me and it becomes not worth it.

Speaking of stress, this weekend we're going to my mom and dad's house. It will be a nice getaway, and I'm excited because I'm getting some plants from my grandmother for our yard AND a birdbath!

My only concern is that sometimes it's hard to control the eating that much at the rent's house... My mom and dad thing food equals love and that I'm too thin so food gets pushed on me a LOT. And I probably won't get to blog that much.

However, I'm trying to use this weekend as a motivation. I plan on weighing myself tomorrow morning and then when I get back. It would be awesome to see a scale dip, so we'll see!

Anyway, here's the recipe (also added to the link on the right navigation, as usual), and I hope you all have a fantastic weekend!

Greek Antipasto Salad
Ingredients:
3-4 medium sized zucchini
Garlic salt
1/2 red bell pepper
4-5 medium sized tomatoes
1 12 oz jar marinated artichoke heart quarters
1/4 cup fat free Italian dressing
About 6oz reduced fat Feta cheese

Dice the zucchini by cutting it into quarters lengthwise and then cutting into about 1 inch thick pieces. Toss them with some garlic salt and then sautee covered on medium heat in a non-stick pan about 15 minutes or until the zucchini is soft on the outside but still a little crisp inside.
Cool completely.
Finely dice the red pepper and cut the tomatoes into large chunks and add to the zucchini. Cut the stems off of the artichoke heart quarters and add them to the vegetables along with the salad dressing and feta cheese.
For best results, let marinate at least an hour before eating.
This recipe makes a huge amount though, so you may want to cut back the portions a bit.
This recipe yields approximately 60 calories per cup, depending on product selection.

It's absolutely delicious.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Pollo-pescatarian & buffet night

The scale said I lost half a pound this morning, pre-BM.

Acceptable.

I realized this morning that my loss will probably slow because I came from 123lbs and now I'm at 118.5lbs. The first 5 or 6 pounds always seem to come off within a week and then I slow a bit to 3 or 4 pounds a week.

SO, I just want to maintain this rate!

I feel good about the past few days, and I even told the hubby today that I feel well enough to go back to the gym tomorrow. I KNOW it will be difficult because I haven't exerted a significant amount of energy in a while, but I think my sickness is basically over.

I'm excited o get back to my workouts.

I'm NOT excited, however, about this evening and whatever the fuck I'll have to consume... The boys want to go to a freaking Chinese buffet in town that's supposed to be really amazing. Not really excited

Only coffee so far this morning, and I feel pretty good. I'll probably throw in some egg whites in an hour and some fruit or something a couple hours after that.

Then, the strategy is just like last night... Stick to the rules:
1.) NO alcohol.
2.) NO fried foods.
3.) NO sweets.
4.) NO bread.
5.) NO rice or noodles.

Shouldn't be a problem.

So, in other news, I have a huge aversion to meat lately.

I've never been a vegetarian (though I contemplated it seriously in high school) but I have had certain meats that I didn't eat for years. I was a pollo-pescatarian for several years of my life (someone who only eats poultry and seafood, no red meat or pork, etc.) and I've recently felt like I didn't want to eat certain meats again. I've been avoiding pork like nobody's business for the past couple months, and the other day I had chicken and it honestly grossed me out. Like, I could not force myself to eat it.

CHICKEN... What?

The only reason I have not become a vegetarian in life is because a.) I think it limits food groups too much and b.) I think leads people to eat worse foods like cheese or LOADS of carbs.

Of course I've read "Skinny Bitch," but those women are ridiculously healthy, and I cannot give up certain things... Like Diet Coke. AND to be honest I skipped some of the chapters on meat because I could sense what was coming.

Anyway, I'm rambling... My point is, I don't want to eat meat lately, but I don't know WHY. Why does it suddenly taste disgusting to me? So weird.

Anyway, I need to go drink loads of water in preparation for this evening and the amount of sodium I may consume.

...Freaking buffets...

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Dinner party

I was pleasantly surprised that there were multiple salads this evening, so I got to eat quite a number of things without looking like I was.

I had my own antipasto salad, a very lightly dressed light Caesar (I saw the package!) and Caprese salad that was so big and chunky I could avoid the mozzarella. I picked at a piece of pizza too.

Unfortunately when dessert came around, I could not avoid it because we ate FAMILY style. Blow me. I had a small amount, and it was only Italian ice, which is not that bad for you actually.

I would estimate my calories to be about 600 total for the evening, considering that I was pushed a glass of wine and a Bellini that I sipped on until I could chuck somewhere.

SO, 660 today. But, as we learned before, alcohol stops fat from metabolizing a bit, and I had a lot of vegetables today, so maybe tomorrow's scale will be nice to me?

We'll see.

Beside the food, the dinner party itself was... awkward. I don't love Taylor's friends, except a couple of them. Most of them are just REALLY socially awkward or still in college or completely single (probably since birth if I would wager a guess) and have almost nothing in common with myself and the hubby.

I was ready to get out of there when it was over.

Looks like tomorrow is also going to be a day of no food until dinner because Noel and Wes want to hang out again and we're either supposed to go over to their house for dinner or out.

I kind of hope we go out, but I know the boys are voting for a buffet, of all things.

Everyone's extremely indecisive right now, so if I wake up in the morning and haven't lost again, I'm pushing for them coming over here so I can control the eating.

We shall see!

Time to do a job search...

I long to be a thin, fashionable career woman.

Sour puss dinner party

Back down a pound this morning... To 119. I'm determined to lose the rest.

I woke up in a horrid mood today. I slept fine last night, but I had stress-filled dreams ALL evening. The hubby tried to wake me and get me out of bed, but I physically couldn't. This is the first time in my life that I was so overwhelmed by my current life situation that I couldn't make myself get out of bed.

But, I did eventually... I'm TRYING to stay positive, even as my bank account gets lower and lower.

We're going to a dinner party tonight at a friend's house. Lucky me, the theme is Italian. He sent out an e-vite asking everyone to specify what they are going to bring and here is the menu:
Homemade Pizza
Baked Ziti
Garlic Bread
Cupcakes

What. The. Fuck.

I decided to bring an antipasto salad so there would be a fucking VEGETABLE present! I never understood how people can eat garlic bread WITH pasta. Would you like some carbs with your carbs?

I'm honestly not looking forward to it too much... My friend Taylor is a GREAT guy and has been in my life since middle school. Now that we live in the same town, we've become pretty good friends, but I've never met any of HIS friends, just been around our mutual college friends.

SO I have a bit of anxiety.

Not only about meeting his friends (who obviously don't have any issues with eating!) but also about the sheer number of carbs and calories there will be present tonight.

To combat the amount of food I'll be ingesting later, I've only eaten 60 calories today:
B: 2 egg whites with hot sauce - 32 cals
L: Cup sugarfree peaches and a stick of gum - 28 cals

This way, even if I consume a large meal today, I have 440 cals to play around with to stay under 500.

Goals/Rules for this evening:
1.) NO alcohol.
2.) NO sweets.
3.) NO munching on pre-meal snacks.
4.) NO garlic bread.
5.) I must stick to: Antipasto salad, a SMALL piece of pizza without any meat, and a couple bites of this and that.

I have a feeling rule number one may be amended to read: [NO cocktails/beer] IF there is any wine present, as how could I resist?

Wish me luck, ladies!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Low cals and lower morale

I refused to face the scale this morning... I'm sure I've gained about 2 pounds after the tragedy that was my intake over the past 2 days.

But I'll make my comeback.

300 cals so far today... Probably 100 more, but it's actually hard to eat today... I feel like shit... I overdid the laxs yesterday, but they didn't have any effect on the actual BM's. They just made me nauseous as fuck.

Does that ever happen to you ladies?

Plus I'm depressed as fuck today, and that either takes my appetite away or makes me ravenous.

Luckily today I achieved not interested in food.

I've been applying for jobs like nobody's business, and I'm SO SICK OF IT. Am I completely un-hire-able? I've had ONE call back from maybe 50 job applications, and the position sucked, so I said no.

I applied for a position today that would be insanely amazing if I actually managed to get it, but I don't know if I'm what they're looking for... I worry.

I'm embarrassed about what my life has become.

I had all the potential in the world. I did so well in school. So well in college the first 2 years. And then I BLEW it. Because of my fucking ex and because I had absolutely no direction. I was applying for a tutoring program the other day and I didn't qualify because my uni GPA was so low.

How pathetic is that?

At the time, I told myself I should just finish and not worry, but now I wish I had taken time off and gone back... I could have done anything. Anything beside what I chose, which I now hate.

I was a genius. Who got distracted by a boy.

And now I'm a loser.

A fat, pathetic loser.

With no job.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Shit day.

Shit shit shit shit shit day.

FML.

I'll be fat forever if I keep it up.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Fuck

I ate a brownie. And half a cookie. Then chips and dip. Then chicken and rice.

Then I threw it up. A messy, messy purge.

Then I ate half a sandwich and a cookie.

And I'm starving.

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know where my calories are at all, and that makes me crazy. I have to make Tuesday and Wednesday good days because Thursday I have a dinner at a friend's house.

Today needed to be good, but it wasn't.

I don't know how to handle what I've done.

Everything I didn't purge = about 700 cals.
Everything I did purge = about 900 cals.

Let's say I purged two thirds of these calories, that equals 1,000 cals. = HORRIBLE!

This is 500 cals more than I've been eating... That means to compensate for the next 2 days in order to afford Thurs, I should only eat about 300 cals a day.

FML.

I can fuck with these numbers for hours, but they all lead to the same conclusion: I fucked up.

I'm not going to worry about it until tomorrow morning's weigh-in. I can't do anything about it now, and I won't know my real damage until then.

One thing's for sure though... No more eating today.

Body fights and cookies

118lbs this morning.

I didn't believe I could lose a pound and a half since yesterday, so I stepped on and off the scale over and over.

I have.

I would celebrate, but I'm in a weird mood today... Not BAD, necessarily, but not good. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed I guess.

Today's planned intake:
Cottage cheese & Pineapple - 100cals
Cereal - 100cals
Meal with hubby - 150cals
Snack - 100cals
Total: 450 cals and a bit if wiggle room.

For the past few days, my body has been FIGHTING the whole barely eating thing.

Sometimes when I restrict, my body gives in immediately. It doesn't feel as hungry, I don't get weak or fatigued or anything, and if I do, it only lasts about 2 days, and then I feel relatively normal on about 500 calories.

By last night, I was getting VERY annoyed because I was STILL ravenous and it had been 4 days of restricting - plenty of time for my body to give in and accept that I was going to eat less. Plenty of time for my stomach to shrink and be happy with it's small little meals.

I guess that's a good thing, because I'm guessing my metabolism is still working well at this point.

I feel for the past 3 days like I'm SO close to B&Ping that I can almost reach out and grasp it. I guarantee that if I had been home alone at any point over the past few 2 days, I would have. Even now I can think of a LIST of things I would love to scarf down and not worry about and then reject just as quickly. However, not being at home alone kind of paralyzes me in this department and makes me extremely scared that if I attempt it, I'll be caught.

Fear of being caught is the ONLY reason I didn't binge & purge last night.

Fear of being fat is the only reason I'm not binging right now, knowing I won't be able to purge.

I want a cookie so bad... I may chew & spit it.

I'm almost to the point where I'm about to go out and binge and then go find a public restroom to throw up. And that is LOW.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

New links and musings

I updated my links on the right to include my apple crisp recipe in my recipe post AND some episodes of "Intervention" about EDs and a couple documentaries.

I've been watching them like craaazy lately.

The scale read 119.5 pre-bm today. I'm pleased, but last night's over-indulgences made me lose less than I had hoped. Especially with my lack of activity lately due to the fact that I'm STILL SICK.

SO sick... Sneezing and wheezing and coughing and the like. I can barely breathe, much less exert myself enough to work out. It's actually amazing that I've lost 3.5lbs in about 4 days with how little I've been moving.

But I WANT 110lbs! 50kg! 7.5 stone! I want to be thin and sleek and fabulous.

Bikini ready.

Intake today:
Yogurt - 110cals
Carrots and Hummus - 120 cals
Salad & Steak - 130cals
Total: 360 cals

I may eat a banana...

I MUST stick to this! No cookies or brownies and no pizza... The hubby is making quick work of all of those, so I know it's manageable.

I told myself on Thursday that if I stick to under 500 calories each day and IF I weigh 116lbs or less by Thursday the 7th, that I can allow myself an "easy on myself" day. Well, last night's intake ruined that, so I'm going to allow myself an "easier on myself" day IF I still weigh 116lbs this Thursday and stick to under 500 calories the REST of the days! (And by "easy," I meant I wasn't going to count calories at all... Not go crazy or anything... Just not keep track or set a specific limit. Now, by "easier" I mean I'll allow myself an upped day, probably around 1100 cals.)

I'm 9.5lbs away from my goal, and 4 days away from my "easier" day.

I KNOW I can do this.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Cookies and Adjustments

I baked brownies.

That I will not eat.

There are cookies from Noel.

That I will not eat.

About 675 cals today... More than I wanted, but I couldn't help some of it today without looking like I was absolutely panicking over a few bites of junk food.

Don't you hate that? When you're in social situations and everyone is indulging and enjoying and scarfing stuff down and they know you haven't eaten, so they're all trying to get you to partake? My whole day was like this. I'm surprised I got away with so little, actually.

Luckily, I shopped for low cal food and tomorrow I should have no problem eating minimally.

We had my parents over today which for some fucking reason always leads to pizza. I ordered a salad, but they are so pushy I had to have a few bites of this and that... Then the hubby and I went to a bar with some friends. I ordered a beer and drank about 5 sips and left it to the side so I wouldn't have to finish it... Then we went to a burger place and I ate about 3/4 of a hot dog. I figured it was healthier than fries, and there was NOTHING healthy on the menu... Then we went to Wes and Noel's house and she baked cookies, and at that point I was so SICK of pretending to eat little bits of stuff and be normal that I refused a cookie 100%.

Being around Noel is hard for me sometimes. I don't love her. I've mentioned her before, here. Now that we live in the same town, they want to hang out whenever they have a free second, and in a way I guess they're our "couple friends." They're basically the only friends we have that are married like us, and the boys are best friends.

But GOD it's fucking annoying how she watches me looking for my ED. She's not the kind of person who can hide emotion, and when I say I don't want a cookie, first she looks concerned and like she's trying to read my mind and THEN she guilty eats one and watches me the whole time.

I know you're a "recovered" bulimic, but I'm not. Please stop. You're annoying the shit out of me and making my ED go nuts.

I felt like going into the bathroom and purging the hotdog, but I didn't think it was enough food to get out easily and I was pretty sure it had moved on at that point.

She's so triggering.

And I swear to GOD if she ever weighs less than me I won't eat a bite until I'm back on the bottom of the numbers where I belong.

Stupid, huh?

Night

Sorrow rears its ugly head closest to dawn.
The demons sneak in
to wake me
just as I start to physically waste away
each night.
Eager to chase me
until the first rays of sunlight pierce their skin.
They snatch at my thick ankles
with their gnarled claws.
They scratch up my body
until they reach my brain.
They sink their teeth into my skull
to inject their poison.
Tainted memories
of loss.
People and places
and
emotions.
Skewed and altered to make me feel guilty,
ashamed,
worthless.
Like I've missed something along the way.
They rap their tails around
my stomach.
Telling me that's where my emptiness is.
"Fill it."
they seductively whisper.
The void.
I lie immobile.
I let them torment me,
but I will not listen.
I know they lie to me.
If I fill that void,
I will only have to empty it.