I'm feeling bad today.
I found out from my previous boss that I probably cannot ever get a job with my previous employer because after they transferred me and I quit with no notice, I'm not eligible for re-hire.
Not to mention that I have a grand total of $50 to my name. The hubby and I are broke. And I want a good job. A real job. I've been working really hard on my resume, and I think it's wonderful... I just need the right person to read it.
Oh, discouragement. I know you're trying to interfere with my weight loss. Namely in the form of a can of Light Whipped Cream in my fridge that I should just THROW AWAY. 2 TB a mere 15 cals? No big! But, alas. The number of TBs I've had today? Who knows.
And the hubs and I decided to take a gym day off today for the sake of our sore achy muscles, so no burn there. If I just manage to keep it in check today
B: Cereal and grapes - 140 cals
L: Turkey and Popcorn - 140 cals
S: Whipped Cream and Craisins- ??? Should have purged it; would have been easy.
D: Chicken soup and salad planned - 200ish.
Total: Over where it should be.
I'm struggling REALLY hard right now because of that 'ole "You already fucked it up so you may as well eat [insert non-ana-approved food here] as well!" But, I won't let it get to me.
I HAVE to be thinner by this weekend! I'm going to try and do around 300 jumping jacks today so I at least have some sort of exercise...
In other less saddening news...
I'm a huge people watcher. Aren't we all? Isn't that a huge part of an ED girl?
And lately going to the gym, I keep seeing people that I think, "Wow." I mean, there are many "Ew"s as well, that's a given, but 2 specific "Wow"s that have made me ponder things a LOT.
"Wow," number 1.) I saw this girl doing the thigh machine like her life depended on it, over and over, a ridiculous number of reps. (I was on the machine behind her so it didn't look super creepy or stalkerish that I was watching her.) And she was SO thin. I mean, skinny, skinny skinny. And the intensity of her face... I saw ana in her.
But then I stopped for a minute because if I had not seen her in THIS moment. With THIS feverish intensity and panic in her eyes, I would never have guessed it.
In fact, a few moments later, she was up and off the machine, drinking water with a half smile on her face, and she looked completely NORMAL. Extremely thin, granted, but normal nonetheless.
And while I was sweatily away, I was thinking, WHY? Why does she look normal when anyone else her size would look anorexic?
And then it dawned on me: It's because she was tan.
This was groundbreaking to me... Not that she was tan, our gym offers tanning, but that tan really does equate healthy in our society. She looked totally fine.
I can think of countless girls that I could apply this to. Weird, huh?
"Wow" number 2.) I saw a girl who HAD to have been about 8 months pregnant working out. It gave me SO much hope, you can't even imagine.
I'm honestly horrified of giving birth. I WILL do it one day because I want a child. If I were not married, I'll be honest, I would adopt, but the hubs is SET on having "our own kids." (Yeah, because it doesn't have to come out of HIS hoo-hah. And because HE doesn't have to stretch out his body to have it.)
But you know, you always see celebrities and the like having babies and staying stick thin. Rachel Zoe, Heidi Klum, etc... But to see a REAL girl who was thin and working out with a huge bump made me realize I, Cally C, can do that TOO! I can go to the gym when I'm prego and make sure that once that baby is out of me, I lose the weight QUICK and keep it off.
It was a nice realization..
Okay, one more topic and I'm done for the day... I'm reading Crystal Renn's book, and honestly, I'm not impressed.
I thought it would be good, but I just don't love it.
So, you gave up your ED and you think that because you're such an amazing model you're going to change the fashion industry or the world's (or at least Europe and the US's) view of beauty? Not going to happen. And all her statements about how there's no PROOF that being fat is bad for you... It was all a bit much. I'm GOING to finish the book, but I disagree with a lot of what she has to say. Namely all of chapter 5, which for me is ruining the book overall.
It starts out good but gets a bit "wah-wah" as Tyra would say.
We'll see how it ends!
Well, off to apply for jobs. And try not to eat. Fucking stupid emotions flaring up during period week. Blarrrgh.