Monday, April 4, 2011

Fuck

I ate a brownie. And half a cookie. Then chips and dip. Then chicken and rice.

Then I threw it up. A messy, messy purge.

Then I ate half a sandwich and a cookie.

And I'm starving.

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know where my calories are at all, and that makes me crazy. I have to make Tuesday and Wednesday good days because Thursday I have a dinner at a friend's house.

Today needed to be good, but it wasn't.

I don't know how to handle what I've done.

Everything I didn't purge = about 700 cals.
Everything I did purge = about 900 cals.

Let's say I purged two thirds of these calories, that equals 1,000 cals. = HORRIBLE!

This is 500 cals more than I've been eating... That means to compensate for the next 2 days in order to afford Thurs, I should only eat about 300 cals a day.

FML.

I can fuck with these numbers for hours, but they all lead to the same conclusion: I fucked up.

I'm not going to worry about it until tomorrow morning's weigh-in. I can't do anything about it now, and I won't know my real damage until then.

One thing's for sure though... No more eating today.

2 comments:

  1. I know exactly how you feel! Except I don't purge. But, I have been force feeding myself cake and feeling awful about it. Uggg! I'm just trying to keep a clear head and not freak out too much. I can battle back in the numbers. You can too!!

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  2. A story I know too well...
    Listen all you can do it put it out of your head, the longer you beat yourself up about it and think about it, the harder it is to get back on track.
    Forget about what the numbers on the scale might be, think about how you saw them falling earlier and how you want to see that again.

    Although the Dukan Diet isn't for everyone and it's an absolute bitch I would recommend doing that - or something similar - because it has really strict rules. Because my diet is so limited literally the only thing I ever crave now are fuit and vegetables (and that's no dreadful thing in reality). With strict rules and a plan sent to you everyday that you have to follow you feel really bad once you've broken it - so even just writing out every morning what you are going to eat and when and telling yourself you HAVE to do that will help with the cravings and binges I think.

    Keep faith :)
    love x x x

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