Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Low cals and lower morale

I refused to face the scale this morning... I'm sure I've gained about 2 pounds after the tragedy that was my intake over the past 2 days.

But I'll make my comeback.

300 cals so far today... Probably 100 more, but it's actually hard to eat today... I feel like shit... I overdid the laxs yesterday, but they didn't have any effect on the actual BM's. They just made me nauseous as fuck.

Does that ever happen to you ladies?

Plus I'm depressed as fuck today, and that either takes my appetite away or makes me ravenous.

Luckily today I achieved not interested in food.

I've been applying for jobs like nobody's business, and I'm SO SICK OF IT. Am I completely un-hire-able? I've had ONE call back from maybe 50 job applications, and the position sucked, so I said no.

I applied for a position today that would be insanely amazing if I actually managed to get it, but I don't know if I'm what they're looking for... I worry.

I'm embarrassed about what my life has become.

I had all the potential in the world. I did so well in school. So well in college the first 2 years. And then I BLEW it. Because of my fucking ex and because I had absolutely no direction. I was applying for a tutoring program the other day and I didn't qualify because my uni GPA was so low.

How pathetic is that?

At the time, I told myself I should just finish and not worry, but now I wish I had taken time off and gone back... I could have done anything. Anything beside what I chose, which I now hate.

I was a genius. Who got distracted by a boy.

And now I'm a loser.

A fat, pathetic loser.

With no job.

1 comment:

  1. #1 you are NOT a loser. we all make mistakes growing up & in uni, and it sucks (trust me I made some BAD choices too) i guess the only thing we can do is try something different now?

    I checked out the links on crystal and i think she looks so much smaller than a size 8!! I wonder if being the size she is now is her natural size? i've read many accounts when people recover from anorexia sometimes it takes a few years for their body to even out and go back to normal. personally i don't care what size her body is she seems like a really nice, down to earth person. DO you watch how I met your mother? in the video link crystal kinda looks like robin off that show.

    I hope you get the amazing position, my fingers are crossed.

    ~ Harlow

    ps, did I tell you how glad I am that you're back in the blogging world????? I think I did but it needs to be said again!