Moderation

 I think moderation can be achieved by simply cycling through your extremes in behavior more quickly. 

Is that wisdom, or am I just missing the point?

Status

I have Covid, a bruised finger, $50 in my checking account, a full lucrative day of meetings scheduled for tomorrow that I really need to attend, and I miss my dad.

I basically told my husband I’m trapped in my life. He hasn’t addressed it. 

I really do wish I had permission to die now.  

I want to run away

I’m so fucking over it. 

By “it,” I mean “life.” Like completely. All of it. I work so hard to be intentional with managing my mental health the best that I can, and it doesn’t matter, because I married an asshole, and was born into a family of fucking losers, and gave birth to a burden. 

I can’t do anything to make my own life better without ruining someone else’s. That’s really not fair. It’s not fixable, and it’s not fair. 

My fate was set in stone in 2017, back when I thought I had a family and was creating a larger one. Turns out, that family really didn’t like me, as I had suspected since childhood, and the one I created is a terrible one. I chose a man less functional than myself, and we birthed a child less functional than that, with two kids tagging along as baggage. Baggage that blew up once the plane was in the air.

I did this all wrong. I picked wrong. And there’s no way to go back and pick differently. This just is my life now - doomed to never be nurtured, but expected to nurture everyone around me every moment of my life. I chose all this. But I didn’t realize what I was picking.

I get the women who run away. I understand Amber’s mom. I would run away to New Mexico. It seems like a lovely place to run away to. I get Victoria. As dumb as she is, I get it. I get the moms who kill their own child and then themselves. I don’t get it, but I get how someone’s headspace could go that way. The world is a horrible place, and everything is just pain. So if I prevent their inevitable suffering and also end my own, what wrong could that do? They seem like good solutions at the time, I guess. 

I can’t imagine how trapped a bitch must feel… I feel badly for them that they must have felt even worse than this… 

And the saddest part is that I complain to my husband that I feel like I lack nurturing, and I don’t think he really wants to fix that. He’s the only one who can. But I don’t think he cares. I think he thinks I won’t leave over it, so why fix it? He knows it’s not a dealbreaker for me. I think he feels he has made enough changes for me, himself, whatever, and this one is not going to get better. Because he won’t try. I can see that he doesn’t want to.

I’m really struggling to accept that it’s not going to get better. Why is it taking me ten years to accept this?? I feel like such a fool. 

Horrible husband happenings

I need to fix things.

The other night, Hubby called out my 3 week depressive episode. It was bad; I lost most of July. I thought prior to our conversation that he understood more than he does about how I operate and how my depression gets. I also thought he didn't take it personally, but apparently, he does for himself and the kids. 

He associated my behavior with smoking and said I have a problem. He's not 100% right, but he's also not 100% wrong. I need to moderate more. I've been in a back and forth with Mary Jane for months, and I really need to get that bitch in line. When I Was in undergrad and lived in the 'Ville and for years and years, MJ was just something I used in the evenings. I didn't use it for panic attacks. I didn't realize they were panic attacks until 2019, for fuck's sake - I just thought that was how everyone lived. Now my want to escape anxiety has created a behavior to reach for a pen, and that's not helping. It's not functional enough. I need to stop trying to escape the feeling of adrenaline when it hits. I need to do more cognitive things and stop grabbing chemical immediately. 

He didn't realize when I sneak off that I'm not getting high during an episode - I'm just sitting disassociated waiting for it to be over, hoping the end of it comes soon.

I'm just sitting there wishing I could die... And sometimes getting high, but not nearly as much as he thought or thinks...

I don't know how to communicate with him when I'm depressed. Half the time I don't even realize I'm in an episode until it's full-blown or ending. This time, it took a week to realize and two more to get out of it. Then the panic of everything I missed while I was "away" hits, and I am a mess for several more days trying to compensate for all of it and play catch up.

I don't know if he cares when I have episodes. I don't know if he realizes what it's like. I don't think he has any grace for them - he just wants me to pull myself together and function at the level he's used to. Which as much as I sound like a giant piece of work to those who may read this, is usually how I function - extremely well... 

OI'm burned out, bro. Our talk was helpful for us, but also for me... Because I can see that. But I also know what I'm supposed to do to handle that, and I think it might be too much for me to actually do. I don’t know if I can fake it as well as this will require.