Friday, July 30, 2010

Recent Goings-on

Up againnn. 119 this morning. FUCK.

I feel like a cow.

The hubby keeps wanting to have intimate little dinners loaded with calories, and I can't say no...

However, I am going to re-gain control. Yesterday's intake was low, low, low, and today's will be as well. Those intimate little dinners are going to become Cally-controlled dinners with healthy, minimal calories.

I need to lose 10 pounds in 7 days.

The Hubby's BFF is getting married, and I want to look thin at their wedding.

Warning, bitch story ahead:

Him and his wife-to-be started dating right around the time that me and the hubby started dating, and they have always been in our relationship's life.

When we first all got together, the girl was soooo pretty, and I was a fatty-mcfatterson. She used to have an ED (she didn't go to her senior prom because she was in the hospital) and now... This is the heaviest I've ever seen her. She's still beautiful, but bigger.

And I don't know why, but it is SO important that I look thin when I'm around her. Now that I am thinner, it's vital for me to look thin around her.

Bitchy, I know, but it's true. And I want to weigh what I weighed on wedding day when I see them... SO... 7 pounds to go, but I'm aiming for 9.

I can do it.

Today's Plan:
B: Coffee - 2
L: Fajita Salad - 200 - 5:00pm
D: Sugarfree Red Bull - 10
Snack at Work: Celery and Dip: 50 - 8:30pm
After Work: Alcohol - 200???
Total: 462

I'm trying to determine what to drink, and that will determine my calories... I'm limiting to 2 drinks, and since I'll basically have no food in my system, that should get me PLENTY drunk.

I have to go out for G's birthday tonight... And Chevy will be there, of COURSE... He's leaving "forever" (yeah, that's happened about 4 times already) on Monday, so only 2 more days of being around him and dealing with his shit... Chef said last night even if he wants to come back again in the future, he's not going to let him, so it should be the last I ever see of Chevy.

Last night he was SO.... Augh!

Frustrating.

He didn't talk to me at first... I thought maybe he wasn't going to, because with us saying our goodbyes before I left town, I thought that might be the end of it... BUT then he came over, looking down-trodden.

"Congrats, honey."

Blah, blah, fucking, blah.

"Don't be fake," I think, and he must have read my mind because the next thing I know he's telling me he's going to miss me SO much when he's gone and tells me to expect drunk calls. And tells me he's going to send me love poems and photos of himself in heart boxers.

Jesus.

I thought that after I was MARRIED and it was FINAL that he would cut the shit, but apparently not... And every time I looked up last night he was looking at me like a heart-broken puppy... And once he looked like he was going to cry.

I'm not even kidding.

I just don't GET IT.

Apparently while I was gone, Chevy texted G on my wedding day and was trying to hook up with her. She told me she texted him back, "What's wrong? Freaking out because Cally's getting married today?"

Thanks a lot, G.

But she hasn't told me yet what he replied... She will tho tonight and I want to hear the full story.

But I'm glad he's leaving because I need to get the FUCK away from him and this drama... I just hope he behaves well tonight.

Especially since I plan on looking fucking AMAZING in my leopard print dress that makes me look thin and like I have fab boobies!

Thin thin, ladies!

I'll update tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Trippin

My wedding was fabulous.

My honeymoon, equally so.

Wedding week, I love a fuck-ton of weight because I was SO BUSY and STRESSED. I ended the week at about 113 on my mom's scale...

Then the honeymoon week... Booze, sauces, battering, not knowing how my food was prepared and not being able to control my food as much... I gained.

When I got home, my mom's scale read 120.

Eeeek! I weighed when I got home, and it said 119.

I've been mia'ing and restricting the past few days, and I'm at 116 today... I want to lose about 6 more this week...

Yesterday's intake
Pizza - Mia'd
Chocolate cake - ???
Magical Mushrooms in OJ - 120

I tripped balls all night last night with the hubby and woke up feeling like SHIT this morning... Worse than the last couple times I tripped.

We then ordered Chinese Food. WHICH I mia'd as well... Which was fine because it make me feel sicker anyway.

I'm supposed to go over to Andy's house today and she wants to smoke, but I'm outta green... Which is probably a good thing.

No more food today for me

I have weight to lose... I want to be thinner than I was wedding day.

I'll catch up ASAP, ladies. Think thin.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

So close to the wedding

I'm getting married on Saturday, going to Jamaica on Sunday...

I'm freaking out, barely eating... Definitely under 500 cals a day.

My mom's scale says 115, which is typically 2 pounds higher than my scale at home which I guess would read 113.

However, BMs are a little fritzy.

I'm totally frazzled.

I'll post asap, ladies. Hope you're all well.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Chevy for the last time

I knew every minute I was out last night was hurting my relationship.

I knew it, but I needed to be out. I needed my surprise "congrats on getting married, all your co-workers love you" party, and I needed to be at it by myself.

And I knew forgiveness is easier to get than permission.

I didn't know I would be out SO long or that the fiance was freaking out at home or that there was an Oreo ice cream waiting for me in the freezer as a small token of love.

All I knew was that the 300 calories in my system were allowing me to very easily get drunk and that Chevy's arm and leg against mine felt really nice as I bummed half his cigarette.

All I knew was that Sara was wasted and trying so hard to get with Chevy, chasing him around all night as he chased me around. I didn't think it would turn out that way when she first got there, already sloppy with her hipbones exposed and her ribs showing through her shirt. I thought he would chase back, or at least allow himself to be chased.

But, no. He was ignoring her, moving away from her, and setting his drink in front of me, hugging me, telling me goodbye the only way he knows how.

All I knew was that the look in her eyes when he slid my barstool over and squeezed in next to me was saddening, especially when I turned to him.

"Are you saying I have a fat ass?"
"No, are you KIDDING me?"
"Oh, so you're saying YOU have a fat ass."

Everyone laughed except for her. Because in that moment she knew no matter how drunk she got, he was not going to take advantage of her. He didn't want her. He wanted me. And she realized what half the people we work with already know, but she has never seen: That we have a history.

He ignored her until she gave up and he stole a private moment with me.

"I really am happy for you. I hope you enjoy your day and make the most of it. I wish things were different, but they're not and I'm happy for you."

"I wish we could have a normal friendship."

"Yeah, that would make things a whole lot easier."

"But that's really, really not possible."

I laugh, he smiles. He's so sincere.

"We've had a lot of ups and downs over the past year... You know, our timing was just off."

He's so right. Our timing was off. Because we're not meant to be together.

I'm meant to go home to a fiance who's so hurt he doesn't tell me about the icecream in the freezer (which I discover this morning when he's already at work).

Who loves me so much he doesn't blame a moment of the night on me.

Even though I am slightly to be blamed.

However, last night gave me something he can't give me. It gave me closure I sincerely needed before I get married. It gave me my goodbye with Chevy.

And even though when I get back from my wedding and honeymoon, Chevy may still be around for a couple days, I've already said goodbye to him.

And I'm glad.

Now I just need to look toward the future and my fiance and how very soon he will be my husband and how, somehow, I need to make up to him for last night.

Because while I needed it, he does not understand and I cannot explain.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Still

I'm still alive.

But barely.

Losing weight is easy when you're hideously depressed.

Especially when you should be happy.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Fuck

I want to die...

In actuality... I really think I do.

I cut tonight... I picked up a knife off the table and ran it over the skin on my thigh over and over and over and made lots of little scabby bloody scratches.

I contemplated what the world would be like if I were no longer here... I laid on the couch and cried and wanted truly to die.

Such a dark turn, Cally... What's wrong with you lately?

I would never kill myself.

Or maybe I slowly am.

I just want my life to get better or end.

WHY am I so depressed all the time? Why do I go through these cycles?

I just need to be thinner.

I'm going to go get my dress altered tomorrow, and I am going to suck my shit in so much he'll make my dress small enough that I can stop eating and it still fit in 11 days.

Because I am going to stop eating.

I ate today more than I should ever have... I took two laxatives. My intestines are screaming, but I don't care. I want the disgusting amount of food and calories I ate out of me, and I didn't have the chance to throw it up, because the fiance has been listening at the door to make sure I don't lately.

He is the only good thing in my life.

And I don't deserve him. He's too beautiful for me. He's too perfect.

And I'm a fucking train wreck.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Not enough

Lost HALF a pound yesterday... HALF.

And tomorrow is D-Day.

Today I have the day off with the fiance which means I WILL have to eat.

FML.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

The new game plan

I feel like fucking shit this morning...

Why, you ask?

Last night the fiance brought me home food and made me eat it. He is getting so picky and watchful, it's pissing me off... I think it made my day end at around 1,000 cals, so of COURSE I didn't lose a pound like I needed to... And my stomach fucking HURTS from digesting actual food.

SO NOW, I'm contemplating my next step, because I want to drop a few more pounds before I get measured!!! And I have TWO days.

I'm at 115lbs, and that's fine and dandy and everything (only not really) and I'd like to be around 112 at LEAST. Closer to 110 would be fab, but I don't think I have enough time at this point...

SO, the plan. Duh-duh-duh!

1.) Take a laxative this morning to fluuush my system.
2.) After accomplishing errands this morning, (whilst drinking loads of water the whole time) get in a workout for a solid hour.
3.) Only consume lemon juice/water today and at 5pm I can have a Sugarfree red Bull to get the metabolism going.

Okay!? BREAK!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

B&P's only happen when I'm alone

Yesterday did NOT go according to plan... I went to work, we were SO SLOW that the boss man sent me home.

I went to the store, went by my apartment, and then off to my friend's house whom I'm house sitting for. I was there alone. Me and the dog.

I had a horrid binge and purge.

The shrimp and zucchini I ordered at work, a hot dog, cheese sticks with ranch, apple pie, ice cream, crackers, cheese, and God only remembers what else.

I ALWAYS do this when I'm alone.

I went into the bathroom, hurled, and drank a huge glass of water. My teeth were SO sensitive from whitening them lately and then the purge... I haven't done it in so long it was painful.

I didn't eat the rest of the night, putting my day at who knows where.

This morning I've had some egg beaters, with FF cheese and salsa - 150 cals.
I'm planning on Fiber cereal - 100
An apple - 70
And a Sugarfree Red Bull - 10
Total: 330

AND a workout when I get off work... Must burn at least 250 cals.

I'm mad about yesterday... I don't think it will set back my weight loss, but it's SO BAD FOR ME... I just can't help it.

However, in other news... Read this book.

It's fabulous, and SO well written. "Wasted" will always be my favorite ED book but this one is a close second.

Think thin, ladies.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Planning my every day to lose one more pound at a time.

Down yet ANOTHER pound this morning...

I consumed around 500 cals yesterday and felt guilty about having eaten more than planned... SO I went to the gym after work and burned about 250 cals.

I haven't eaten yet today, and the fiance wants to have a cookout. :-/ I'm worried.

Maybe a veggie burger no bun with mustard and about 2oz of potato salad... That's about 160.

Then at work I can have some zucchini and shrimp... About 150.

And a sugafreeeeee Red Bull! For 10.

That's a good goal.... NO BREAD TODAYYY!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Three!?

When I weighed myself this morning, I had lost THREE pounds since yesterday morning...

Um... What? Is that possible?

I guess because it happened. Maybe I flushed my system, because I drank a fuck ton of water yesterday...

Only 7 pounds to go and 5 days to do it! Totally do-able. I had about 300 cals yesterday... AND got stoned and managed not to eat anything.

I feel good. Let's keep it this way.