Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Fuck

I want to die...

In actuality... I really think I do.

I cut tonight... I picked up a knife off the table and ran it over the skin on my thigh over and over and over and made lots of little scabby bloody scratches.

I contemplated what the world would be like if I were no longer here... I laid on the couch and cried and wanted truly to die.

Such a dark turn, Cally... What's wrong with you lately?

I would never kill myself.

Or maybe I slowly am.

I just want my life to get better or end.

WHY am I so depressed all the time? Why do I go through these cycles?

I just need to be thinner.

I'm going to go get my dress altered tomorrow, and I am going to suck my shit in so much he'll make my dress small enough that I can stop eating and it still fit in 11 days.

Because I am going to stop eating.

I ate today more than I should ever have... I took two laxatives. My intestines are screaming, but I don't care. I want the disgusting amount of food and calories I ate out of me, and I didn't have the chance to throw it up, because the fiance has been listening at the door to make sure I don't lately.

He is the only good thing in my life.

And I don't deserve him. He's too beautiful for me. He's too perfect.

And I'm a fucking train wreck.

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