Saturday, November 27, 2010

Thin.

I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin.

I will be thin.

I will be thin.

I will be thin.

I will be thin.

I will be thin.

I will be thin.

I will be thin.

I will be thin.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Wasted time.

I burned a good 300 calories at the gym this morning, and my intake has been as follows:
Salad - 175
Peanuts - 25
Applesauce - 45
Sugarfree Fruit Cocktail - 100
Total: 345

Lovely.

I'm tired of being fat. Feeling gross. Looking blimpish.

I realized the other day that basically I have to increase my workouts if I want to lose the last bit of weight to be under-weight. Cutting calories to almost nothing is not working, and when I eat like a "normal" person, I gain and my body settles at around 120lbs.

This is not an acceptable weight, so it's time to start working out more.

I realized today when I saw Tanya back at work that I have basically accomplished nothing over the past 5 months. She's been away at school for a whole semester, and this morning when I weighed in, I weigh what I did the night before my party in June.

That is fucking pathetic.

I mean, 5 MONTHS!? I've yo-yo'd for 5 fucking months. What a WASTE of time!

And THEN I started thinking, I've lived in this town almost 2 years and I've lost a grand total of about 40 pounds.

That is also not impressive. I lost the bulk of it quickly and have maintained about 117 pounds for a good year... I want to LOSE IT!

It's time. It's time to accomplish the goal I set when I moved here - 107lbs.

I can do it too. If I really try, increase workouts and cut calories, I can be underweight, and I WILL BE.

I will be thin before I move back if I have to start throwing up every bite I eat.

Think thin, ladies.

Good luck with Thanksgiving tomorrow, my fellow American bloggers. I will be at work all day and plan on my trusty lunch box getting me through the shit fest around me.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Reward Program

I have decided to start a rewards program for myself, to motivate myself to lose weight.

I did the math and if I keep it low from now until when I move I can be at around 107, which is honestly my IDEAL goal, but the current goal is 111, because that's lower than my wedding day.

Either would honestly do at this point.

So, the rewards program is as follows:
Every day I will write 3 rules for myself, leading to under 500 calories a day.
If I follow all 3 rules, I get to put aside $4 for myself.
If I manage to follow the rules AND throw in a workout of at least 30 minutes, I get $8.
If I throw in a workout that burns 500 calories, I get $10.
If I break a rule, but still manage to have a low intake day (under 500) I get $2.
If I have a day where I eat over 1,000 calories, I have to give back $4.
AND, last but not least, if I manage to weigh 110 or less by my move, I get a $50 bonus.

THIS will be Christmas money for myself to buy whatever I want to celebrate my new body.

I think it's a freaking phenomenal idea, and I'm starting a little journal today to keep track!

Today's goals:
1.) NO BREAD!!!
2.) NO food after 10pm.
3.) Following meal schedule:
Now: Fruit gummies - 45 cals
4pm: Apple - 60 cals
6pm: Orange - 45 cals
8pm: Apple sauce- 45 cals
9:45pm: Popcorn or Oatmeal - 100 cals

Goals, set! Off to accomplish other things before work!

Think thin, ladies!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I'm too fat. Nobody will love me.

I know I've been MIA lately, and it's because I've been working SO much. I'm trying to save all the money I need to move, and it's been a struggle. My personal life has ALSO been rough.

I know I've gained. I KNOW. It's only a few pounds, but I'm not talking about it or focusing on it because then I go down the slippery slope of, "Well, what's the point?"

I've been in limbo, wanting to do better, feeling guilty, and not doing better because once I fuck up one thing, I get defeated or set unrealistic goals and break them and get MORE defeated...

SO, I'm going to take it one step at a time and get back in the ana game.

I've been mia'ing lately, but that is so bad for me, my heartbeat was irregular the other day. Lovey.

Plus it doesn't even help me lose if I don't do it consistently and methodically, and I haven't been.

SO, here I sit fat and unhappy and determined to change that.

Today's goals:
1.) Following eats ONLY: Apple, peaches, oatmeal, fiber pills, soup, green tea.
2.) NO FUCKING BREAD.
3.) NO food once I get off of work.

I'm a mouse trapped in the body of an elephant.

Time to change it.

I want to be thin and pretty before I move back home, and THAT is what I need to focus on. I need to be as thin as I was on my wedding the last time everyone saw me.

THAT is better than whatever shit I could ever eat.

Think thin, ladies.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Fresh start

Planning to move, finances, my job, EVERYTHING is stressful lately...

The hubby told me I was eating my emotions last night.

I haven't gained, but obviously my bingey behavior looks suspicious.

I wanted to cry.

Lately I basically do not eat all day and then when I get home from work I consume about 500-800 calories in one sitting.

Talk about repulsive.

My weight hasn't budged from 119lbs, and that is completely unacceptable.

But today is a fresh start and I'm going to drop this weight before I move.

Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.Think thin.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Don't bring me down.

Today's resolve is clear, unlike the fog of the past 2 days.

I'm sure in my depressed, anxious, stressed-the-fuck-out state I have gained, but I'm not going to check.

I am going to have low, low days from today until my next day off, and then I will grace the scale.

I say grace because I know I will have lost and be satisfied with my progress.

I am going to say, "Fuck you." to food, my job, the people that piss me off, and life's shitty mess in general.

I will not be brought down by anything any longer.

I will be thin.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Numbers.

I live my life in numbers.

48 stressful hours.

6 hours of conversation about the same fucking thing.

5 text messages to the skinny friend.

180 calories.

1 day of "normal" eating.

13 hours of work.

26,000 steps.

500 guilty panic attacks.

2 urges to B&P.

1 cigarette.

8 diet cokes.

7 pills.

3 hours of denial that the pills will eventually put me to sleep.

120 minutes of ED-TV.

2 trips to the scale.

12 minutes of "rational" thinking.

3 bouts of tears.

0 answers.

100,000 wishes.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Disgusting

Last night was a travesty.

An absolute horror.

I didn't eat all day. Then at dinner, I had a normal size meal. I thought, "It can't hurt. If anything, I'll purge." So there I was, eating Tapas. Eating less than the other girls, drinking less, but my body is not used to a "normal" amount of food:
1 cup of rice
3 shrimp
1/3 of a salad
2 inch cube of cheese
2 slices bread
Olive Oil
1 bite beef
2 bites gnocchi
3 bites of sausage
2 bites of chicken
1/2 a spring roll

It's not a ton, but it felt like bricks in my stomach.

I wanted to purge. I felt like I needed to. But there was NO opportunity. And trust me, I tried and tried until my behavior looked really suspicious.

I felt DISGUSTING. So full of SHIT and calories that I didn't want in there. I felt SICK all night long. Dinner, drinks, smokes, party, more drunk food (crackers and some dip stuff) SICK.

And this morning I feel STILL feel sick.

The scale scorned me, as is my digestion.

I feel on the verge of throwing up but I know there's nothing but bile left.

SO, thus we come to the plan today:

Planned eats, NO CARBS, NO SUGAR, NO PROTEIN.
Fiber pills and Diet Coke - 10 cals
Apple - 60 cals
Peaches - 100 cals
Sugarfree Red Bull - 10 cals
Apple - 60 cals
Fiber cereal - 100 cals
Total: 340 cals

I may go without the peaches.

Right now I don't want ANYTHING, and I hope that feeling stays a while.

Think thin, ladies.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Dream Eat

I've been posting a LOT lately, and I think it's helping my motivation.

I woke up feeling guilty as FUCK this morning, and then realized it's because I ate in my dreams ALL NIGHT LONG. My brain hadn't switched over from dream to reality yet, and the feelings of guilt were horrendous. I must have consumed 3,000 calories in dreamland last night.

Sometimes that's nice because I almost trick myself into thinking I ate a lot of food.

Psycho? Probably.

Today is going to be tricky, I can tell. My body is teetering on that line of not eating too much for 3 days straight and wants to cave. I was looking up recipes a moment ago, and I wanted to tear through my kitchen like a tornado.

I did not, however. Fortunately for me, none of my trigger foods are even in the house right now.

I will not cave.

I know tonight's intake will probably be more than I want, but I'm not giving in to the longing to eat before then. I will have my tea or coffee from Starbucks with sugarfree everything and no dairy or soy and then bide my time until dinner.

Well, have to run, ladies. I have to go buy real butter because I'm making a cake for Ashley's birthday dinner. Oh, the irony.

Think thin.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

On track for the 3rd day

I got a little off track today, but didn't blow it.

Today's calories are estimated as follows:
Peaches - 50 cals
Chai Tea - 10 cals
Sugarfree Red Bull - 10 cals
1.5 brussel sprouts - 12 cals
1 Walnut - 25 cals
Bite of cookie dough - 15 cals
5 french fries - 45 cals
Sip of fruit punch - 3 cals
Piece of bread with butter - 150 cals
Total: 317

I wracked my brain, but I'm pretty sure this is every bite that touched my lips today.

I feel empty and happy.

Tomorrow's goal, one meal: Salad & Champagne.

I have dinner with my co-workers for Ashley's birthday.

I want to look fabulous and be thin, thin, thin.

Just keep saying the word:

Thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin.

117lbs.

This morning's scale read 117lbs. HOW am I losing a pound and a half a day!?

Not that I'm complaining.

Yesterday's intake = about 400 cals.

Today's goal is LOW!:
Oatmeal - 100
Fiber Pills - 10
Sugarfree Red Bull - 10
Apple - 60
Tuna Salad - 100
Total: 280

Totally do-able.

In other news:

This article is totally worth reading. I'm marking the page that I found the most interesting, but you can scroll through all the tips and read about metabolism if you so desire. On one of the pages, you can calculate your BMR, so that was pretty interesting as well.

I have to run now! Work is soon and I want to watch America's Next top Model on my DRV for some thinspo before I go.

Think thin, ladies.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

280 cals.

Yesterday's intake was 280 cals:

Carrots - 60 cals
Salad with Turkey - 60 cals
Popcorn - 100 cals
Celery - 60 cals

This morning's weight was 118.5lbs.

Amazing. I feel good about it but not like I should celebrate because I still have a ways to go.

Goal today:
Salad w/Cheese - 160 cals
Apple - 60 cals
Sugarfree Red Bull - 10 cals
Peaches - 100 cals
Total: 330

I may try to leave off the peaches if possible... Or only eat half. Or maybe have celery instead.

Yesterday I did SO well, I don't want to fuck it up.

My goal is to have Wednesday-Sunday be good days (Under 450 cals) so that way on Monday when I'm off work with the hubby I don't have to sweat it if we eat something naughty that I can't get away from. Then mia is not a factor. However, I plan to NEVER exceed 1,000 cals a day, PERIOD.

Think thin, ladies.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Limbo

I haven't posted in a while because I've been in emotional limbo... Things have been shitty, shitty, shitty.

My emotions have been SO out of whack and basically I put ana in the back of the closet so I wouldn't have a meltdown and go into a complete state of depression. A LOT of stuff has happened. Things so horrid I don't want to talk about them. I'm still recovering, but I feel I'm coping well, so I pulled ana out of the back of the closet, brushed her off, and evaluated.

The weight this morning was 120lbs.

Back to this fucking spot again.

I'm okay with it because when I look at what I endured over the past week alone, I feel like I was emotionally strong and that I didn't do that terribly. However, I ate my sorrows to a certain degree, and if I don't get things back in check I will be at 125 lbs before I know it. Then the depression spiral will suck me in, and I can't have that. Not now in life. I just have to be strong.

So to summarize, I basically have a new mental plan.

1.) Get thin.
2.) Block out everything else.

I'm going to bide my time in this fucking town until I leave in 6 weeks, and I'm not going to freak out about everything that's going on. I'm going to ride out the lows and highs and let things work themselves out. I want to be back home SO badly, and I know I'm needed, but I just don't have the money yet.

Time. I just have to take my time. I have to remember that I can't change my circumstances, but I can change my weight.

In other less dramatic news:

I had a moment today while I was sitting on the couch where I realized something: I'm not going to be cute forever.

I know, shocking.

But when you think about it, it's like this: One day, you're going to be ugly, and you can't help it. No matter how good you take care of yourself or how much work you have done, you will look old and gross one day. So WHY would you waste your youth looking gross as well? WHY would you go through life unhappy with your body or whatever when you're in your 20's and can change it, when in about 40 years you won't be able to change it.

I mean, your weight of course, but the overall package... Not so much.

This is why I am going to be thinner than thin ASAP. Because I am wasting my youthful good looks. And I don't want to waste anything.

Today's planned eats:
Only Fruits and Vegetables and a small amount of protein. Gotta make up for the horrid weekend.
Carrots and diet coke - 60 cals
Celery and water - 40 cals
Salad with Turkey and Sugar free drink - 70 cals
Pickles - 0 cals
One baked potato chip - 7 cals
Microwave something - 150cals or less
Total: 327 cals

Goal set! Now let's achieve.