Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Rough day

Today's eats:
B: cereal
L: binge and purge
D: binge and purge

Rough day... Feeling insecure and ugly as fuck due to a lack of Adam text backs and a boy who's 8 years younger than me who has a little crush on me not making a move... 

Plus the boyfriend not seeming all that fucking interested lately. 

I just hate myself. 

Hopefully tomorrow the damage isn't substantial... 

Monday, December 14, 2015

Body and boys... IS there anything else?

147lbs this morning, as anticipated. It felt good. Now I just need to keep momentum.

I had a crazy long day at work... I managed to keep my eating 100% under control all day too. And I just had a reasonable meal when I got home. It's been about 4-5 days of eating well, and no binging or purging... It feels fantastic, but it's also getting old quick. I told myself tonight that when I get down to 145lbs, I can have one cheat meal.

In other news, Adam was all over me tonight. Things with him have been sooo weird. After Ee's birthday when he didn't show up and we bickered, I didn't talk to him for a few days. He got super clingy when I stopped speaking to him... Like, hunting me down, following me, trying to force me to talk to him. I blew him off really hard until I was over being mad. Then, once I started speaking to him again, we just kind of worked different schedules and didn't really see each other.

Tonight I felt like he's suffered enough, though... I acted normal with him, and that's all the encouragement he needed to spark right back up. He was bent over getting something out of the cooler, and I smacked his butt a little when I walked by and laughed hysterically. A couple hours later, I was standing in the side station, and he smack-groped my ass. Then he got all close up behind me, with his dick against my ass and made a sexual joke. I forget what he said, but afterward, he said, "There was a little sexual innuendo in there, but I guess you missed that." I was like, "No, I got it." He blushed. I'm not gonna lie, I was turned on. My face got heated, and I wanted to jump him. I like the fucking attention way too goddamn much. He was squeezing and rubbing my shoulders too at one point tonight, and I wanted to just back up and rub my ass all over him SO badly. *sigh* Why am I such a terrible awful horrible flirty attention whore??

I told Ee, and he said, "I'm at a loss about that nonsense." It's so true... It is all nonsense. I told him I was going to go buck wild and sexually harass and push Adam until I literally made him uncomfortable... Ee said that might have the opposite effect.

I think that's actually what I want, if I'm honest with myself... I want to make him want me.

I texted him tonight. We flirted a bit. Anti-climactic and unsatisfying.

I just want HIM to text ME. I want HIM to try to hang out with ME. But to get that, I'm going to take advantage of the fact that he's paying me attention and play with him. I'm going to initiate games, demand shoulder rubs, rub my boobs and butt on him when he's close, and give him "fuck me" eyes constantly. I'm going to drive him nuts.

Because it means nothing. And he made that clear. He's an inconsiderate, selfish jerk who means nothing to me and drives me crazy. I'm the cat who caught a mouse and is going to play with it mercilessly until I decide I'm done having fun, and then I'll let it die.

But, I get to be the cat, not him. He thinks he can play these games, but I am going to show him that I'm better at them. 

I don't even want him... He is a horrible kisser with a small dick who acts like a fucking idiot. I mean, I'd love to get him to eat my pussy again, but... That's about the end of it. Let me ride your face and then fuck off and die... Beg me for things I'll say no to. Let me toy with you.

I sound like a horrible, slutty person, but I don't care.

I have the boyfriend, and I adore him and want only him... But this Adam shit is so annoying... I have to take it somewhere. I can't live my life letting him flirt with me when he feels like it and getting pissed at him. I want him to get pissed at me and feel like I've been feeling.

I'm going to lose weight and break a heart and ride off into the sunset with the man who actually loves me. That's my fucked up mental case plan...

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Sleepless and dangerous

Everyone is asleep, but I can't seem to accomplish that tonight. I should be sleepy. I had a long day on 6 hours of sleep, but here I am. Not sleeping. 

I hate when I can't sleep. It makes me feel crazy... I manage to get right to the very edge of slumber only to be ripped back by some nagging thought, a song that won't stop cycling through my brain, or a worry that pokes me until I literally open my eyes. 

Wtf. 

Then I cycle through stupid random worries, fears, guilts, negativity, and self loathing. 

My stomach is growling, and I feel hunger pangs. I'm pretty sure this insomnia is food related, but I don't know what to do about it. When I'm hungry, I have no patience with people. I get angry. When I'm alone and hungry and tired, I get horribly dark and depressed. I just get angry with myself. For every transgression I have ever committed. 

If I'm honest with myself, I want to go binge so fucking badly... If you're easily triggered, I would say skip the rest of this paragraph... I know right now in my kitchen there are oatmeal cream pies, caramel icecream, brownies, cheese slices, chocolate, taco leftovers from the kids, couscous, chips, and candied cashews. I want to literally rip open the fridge and dive into all of those items until this nagging in my stomach and head goes away...

But I would have to take drugs and purge to not hate myself for doing it... And I would still hate myself. 

I took a Benadryl, and I think I'm going to go have a few sips of milk and hopefully that will knock me out. I read once that milk has naturally occurring morphine which is why it aides in sleep. Let's hope that's true... 

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Beach day and losing

Today's eats:
B: Addy and a lollipop - 40 cals 
L: Deli meat, grapes, and an orange - 200 cals
D: Ham and broccoli - 200 cals
S: Chocolate - 50 cals

I'm done eating today... Right at around 500 cals. I've been doing well, and this morning the scale said 148lbs. Tomorrow, if I know my body like I think I do, I'll weight 147. 

This, however, is always where I fuck up. 147lbs, and then something happens, I lose motivation, and I shoot back up to 150lbs and beyond... So the next couple days will be vital and key to losing. Like I said last night though, this time it's for real. Ana is whispering in my ear daily, and I know what to do. Now I just have to do it and get myself to a comfortable place. 

We went to the beach today with the whole family, and I did a really good job of resisting. Not easy with my family, because gatherings are an excuse to load up on food. I didn't pack myself a sandwich and avoided chips and pasta and all kinds of crap today. I did get a little angry though. When my blood sugar started really crashing, I got grouchy. My body isn't comfortable there yet. It's going to take like another week... But I'm on my period, so I just chalked it up to that and make a mental effort to chill out. I just had zero patience... I

I absolutely need to be thinner. 

I want to go to the beach and feel hot there again. Like I'm a cute girl in a bikini and not a gross one... My mom was taking pics of all of us and me in my bikini, and while I have looked worse in the past, I feel like I look so HUGE. Like a fucking whale. Then there's always some beautiful fit girl there that I envy in a swimsuit that the boyfriend sneaks peeks at. I know he thinks I'm beautiful, but I also know even he thinks I could afford to lose some weight right now. I think he feels safer when I'm a bit heavier, because he feels like I won't leave him. But that's not ok at the moment... I want him to REALLY think I'm hot and not just love me because he's partial to me as his woman... Does that make sense?? I want him to objectively think I'm hot. 

Lolly said the other day that I have a complex. She said I'm not as fat as I think I am. But I think she's wrong... So, Ana's voice wins over Lolly's... 

The current motto is "I'm not hungry." Or "I don't want any of that." Then once everyone leaves me alone, I eat my diet prepared foods, and then they see me eating something and don't question it. Then later I say, "I'm so full." It makes them all leave me alone. Excuses work well for me because I literally never make them. People just believe what I'm saying and don't question or doubt it . 

My dad did make a comment to me today about when I was super thin, though... I said something about needing to lose some weight and how I plan to over break, and he said "No more than ten though. I don't want to see you like you were before." He got emotional. I thought I had everyone fooled back then, but guess not... However, I feel like everyone is in agreement that I currently need a little weight loss, so time to cash in and lose whatever I want without getting nagged.

15 more pounds to go. Minimum. I can do this. 

Think thin. 


Friday, December 11, 2015

Obsessive

Today's eats:
B: Apple and Tea - 40 cals
L: Veggies - 120 cals
S: Egg whites and veggies - 65 cals
D: Salmon, veggies - 175 cals
S: Chocolate - 100 cals
Total: 500 cals

Currently drinking my detox hot tea and smoking so I can try to fall asleep... It's so hard to sleep when I don't eat much. I don't know why my body is like that... When I'm hungry, I cannot sleep, but the tea seems to help. I'm stifling yawns, so that seems promising.

I took my last final of the semester today, and it went well. It was my last final of my last year of graduate school. It's amazing to think I'm almost halfway done with my program... Only 4 more semesters, and hello, Master's Degree. Now I just have to wait for grades to come out to see what I got in my last class. All A's so far, so I'm reeeeeally hoping I managed to slide by with one in that class as well. I'm literally points from either getting an A or a B in the class, so I'll just have to wait and see once grades are posted.

I came home to flowers and chocolate from the boyfriend as a congrats on my accomplishments. He really is very sweet sometimes... It's funny, but every time he buys me candy I think to myself "I guess I'm still not so fat that he doesn't love me." I don't know why... It's kind of stupid, but I just think if he thought I was too fat, he probably wouldn't buy me candy, right?? It's so comforting, even if I have to end up eating some of it... I had planned a different end of the day snack, but chocolate it was...

I felt a little compulsive tonight. It's strange because I haven't felt that way in a while. I came home and cooked an amazing dinner that I didn't eat most of, and when the boyfriend fell asleep from a food coma with a belly full of bread and couscous that I did not partake in, I cleaned the house. The whole damn thing. Obsessively. It was strange, but I recalled how I used to do that in the 'Ville when I was at my lowest weight. When I'm really focused and triggered and on the Ana train, I clean late at night until my whole house is spotless. I can't stop myself. Especially if there's no pressing other things to do like study or go to bed early for an early morning. I get so crazy... Suddenly, everything has to be in it's perfect place. I think of too many things at once and work myself half to death every moment avoiding food, and I have to obsessively organize all elements of my life like I do my diet. Even now I'm contemplating finances, but I decided to put that off. If I start to crunch numbers at this hour, I'll never sleep tonight, and I have to get up early for work tomorrow.

It's strange, but I feel like this time it might be easier to go back to Ana. I don't think I have felt like I needed to lose weight as much as I currently do in a very long time. I just want to give myself this school break to get thin and then figure things out from there. Well, off to finish this bowl, and then bed time.

Think thin.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Goal Weights

This morning's weight: 150lbs

Ew.

And the worst part is about a week ago, I was MORE.

It's so disgusting when just a few short years ago, I was about to hit my UGW of 110lbs. How crazy is the human body?? I've weighed everything from 114lbs to 165lbs.

Honestly right now I don't even know what weight I want to be... Very low, if I'm honest with myself, but I know the boyfriend would be annoyed. When we started dating,  I was around 120, and he thought I was too thin. He seemed to be the most interested when I weighed around 130-135...

SO, CGW = 133lbs. Then maybe onto 130lbs just to make myself feel good... But I'll reevaluate.

At 133, I feel like I honestly have nothing to worry about. I'll still have boobs and a butt to pacify everyone else, but I'll be thin enough to feel good again. Like I don't want to die... Because right now I do.

So, 17lbs... Not an easy task, but much less than some people have to lose.

Time to make it happen.

Today's planned eats:
B: Apple and tea - 40 cals
L: Chicken and salad - 200 cals
S: Grapes before my final - 50 cals
D: Salmon and veggies - 200 cals
S: Fudge pop - 40 cals
Total: 530 cals

Think thin.

Time for change

Today's eats:
B: Diet Coke - 0 cals
L: Veggies and Pork - 200 cals
D: Bananas and chocolate - 190 cals
S: About 7 chips - 80 cals
Total: 470

Finally, a day on point. I am going to have some herbal tea in a little bit and then turn in for the night... No more food this evening.

This week has been stressful. I have one final left, and my semester and first year of graduate school will be over. It FLEW by... I feel accomplished, but fat. I've definitely gained weight in the process of starting school. I haven't been consistent with exercise or making myself eat well at all... And today as everyone was giving presentations, I noticed a LOT of us have gained weight in the program. Like, most of us... But, that doesn't make it any better. I feel proud of what I've accomplished, and mentally more stable than I ever have, but physically I'm a mess. I need to make my outsides match my insides, because right now they don't at all.

The photos from my dinner out this week were a nightmare. My look was a mess. I looked SO fat... Fatter than Brit, and I've always thought she was too fat... It's so fucking upsetting. Nothing looks good on me, and I don't want to feel that way.

I read recently that people with bulimia have issues coping with stress and use food to do so. We do not know how to relax, cope, or de-stress through other means. It's so true... I never really thought about the process or what it means to me until recently, but when I read that single sentence in the book, it all clicked so much... It's not about eating for hunger or nourishment. It's about eating for emotions. Eating to stop thinking, or numb things, or feel like I'm getting satisfaction or pleasure from something. But it doesn't actually fix any of that shit. It just makes me feel worse... And then when I purge it's so freeing... Until I binge again or feel desperately hungry with a crashed blood-sugar, a bloated stomach, and a scratchy throat.

I don't want to feel ashamed of how I handle stress anymore. I feel ashamed of my drinking, drug use, and B&P. I feel ashamed of my body and how it's showing how I've treated it. I look sloppy, and I feel disgusting. I need to use this month to get myself back on track. I need a routine that I can stick with that I use for the next year... I need to get myself together so badly.

Tomorrow's planned eats:
B: Apple and coffee - 50 cals
L: Chicken and salad - 200 cals
S: Grapes before my final - 50 cals
D: Chicken and veggies - 200 cals
S: Fudge pop - 40 cals
Total: 540 cals

Friday's planned eats:
B: Apple, grapes, orange, coffee (at work) - 180 cals
L: Side salad and Diet Coke at Wendy's - 100 cals
D: Meat and veggies with the kiddos - 200 cals
S: Fudge pop - 40 cals
Total: 520 cals


Thursday, December 3, 2015

I hate him

Every fucking time something goes wrong, this bitch makes life harder.

I'm over it. I'm over the pity-parties and benders and financial fucking spending issues. I am getting to the point where I don't care about the mental issues behind it. I don't care about the "brain pathways" or how hard it is to figure out a different way. I want him to get his fucking shit together. Immediately. I want to stop getting this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach every time he gets like this.

I'm starting to be out of compassion and energy with him. I'm starting to resent him and feel like he's a burden. I'm sick and fucking tired of taking care of anything and everything he needs.

I want him to disappear. I want him to leave me alone so I can find happiness. I still don't think I'll find it, but I'm definitely not finding it with him around... 

At least I don't have to eat tonight... Bottle of wine time.